15 Embarrassingly Bad Valentine’s Day Presents

Valentine’s Day is right around the corner and you’re probably scrambling right now, trying to come up with a gift that your sweetie will always remember.

Well, if you’re looking for something that’s “unforgettable,” I’ve got some great options for you!

These are actual Valentine’s Day gift recommendations from Internet retailers. Choose one and I can guarantee that your love will see you in a totally new light. That light may not be very flattering, but it will be NEW. And new is always good in a relationship, right?

Right?

Curiosite recommends this Plush Toy Uterus as a ‘Valentine’s Day gift option for her,’ and I have to agree it’s a good one. What woman wouldn’t want to cuddle up with an adorable stuffed uterus on Valentine’s Day? And once you’re done with it, you can pass it on to your kids according to the product description, which states: “It’s a nice gift for teenagers who are just starting to learn about the workings of the reproductive system.” BOOM.

 

Are you in a new relationship? Show your appreciation this Valentine’s Day with this remarkably thoughtful Personalized Chocolate Bar from Getting Personal. SHE’LL LOVE IT.

 

Pantalaine, “Provisioners of America’s Finest Plural Clothing,” offers this Sweat-Heart Sweet-Shirt as a unique Valentine’s Day option. If you’ve been wanting to feel closer to your honey this sweatshirt basically leaves you no choice.

 

Lest the polyamorous feel left out, I present The Shamrocker.

 

Etsy is always a fantastic place to go for memorable gifts. That’s where I found this adorable Romantic Sweetheart Mini Garden Planter. I hope my husband isn’t reading this post, because I’m pretty sure this is what he’s getting on Friday!

 

The number one option in Skymall.com’s list of Valentine’s Day Gifts For Her is this lovely bracelet, containing a sentiment any lady would love to hear on the Most Romantic Day of the Year: IT IS WHAT IT IS.

Be still my heart.

 

Skymall.com also recommends this stunning Blood Dragon Contemplation Box as a great Valentine’s Day gift option for your lady love. You really can’t go wrong with this one, men. Every single woman I know has secretly been hoping to one day own a Blood Dragon Contemplation Box. Every. Single. One.

 

Surprise your girlfriend by canceling dinner at that overpriced Italian restaurant Friday night, and cozying up instead with Assassin’s Creed IV and these adorable Player 1 & Player 2 sweatshirts!

 

The website Hongkiat cheerily calls this Ex 5-Piece Knife Set an “exquisite” Valentine’s Day gift option, saying “This holder is shaped like a human (maybe your ex-sweetie?).”

This is not disturbing at all.

 

Another uniquely romantic gift idea from Etsy is this Eat Me Cookie Soap.

If you really want to be clever with this gift, package the soap in a baked goods box, and watch as your hubby tries to eat it.

LOLZ.

 

My passive aggressive friends out there will adore this Love Life Calendar, which allows you to silently record exactly how you feel about the state of your relationship EVERY DAMN DAY.

 

 

Suffering through a long distance relationship? Gift your man a Deluxe Comfort Girlfriend Body Pillow, which gets raves from reviewers on Amazon. Says John Smallberries: “Just snuggle up to this pillow that has an arm and some boob things, and you’ll never again feel like a drained and desiccated husk of a person lying around waiting for the merciful hand of death to descend upon you.”
 

And for the ladies on V-Day, there’s this hand-y Boyfriend Pillow! Says one happy customer: “He doesn’t fart in bed, never wakes me up but will always keep me warm at night.”

I seriously can’t think of anything more romantic.

 

Men, take the Sharper Image’s advice and buy your woman this Luxury Plush Body Wrap/Blanket for Valentine’s Day! Things are sure to heat up quickly when your gal pal puts this sexy… thing on.

 

Is your Hubs’s hair getting a little thin on top? Hammacher Schlemmer recommends this sexy $700 gift: The Hands Free Hair Rejuvenator! This Valentine’s Day, show him you care– about his lack of hair!

Now, my dear readers, you have no excuse– Get out there and drop some cash on a gift that your beloved will never, ever, EVER forget!