>This Goes Out to All the Hoochies
>I’m a modest person by nature. I’ve never flashed anyone for Mardi Gras beads, participated in a Spring Break wet t-shirt contest or starred in an amateur sex video. But since I’ve become a mom, more people have seen my nipples than David Hoffendorffer’s back in his Baywatch days.
Breastfeeding isn’t easy for a girl who prefers to keep her ta tas hidden from the general public. You naysayers can sternly point us to closets and bathrooms all you want- The cold, hard truth is that when a baby’s got to eat, she’s got to eat. It doesn’t matter if we’re on an airplane, in a restaurant or at a baseball game; we hear our baby crying and our boobs seem to mysteriously spring out of their packaging all by themselves. Believe me, we do try to cover up, but the baby has a devilish way of ripping any extra layers off at the most inopportune moments, like, for example, when that creepy plumber with the stained teeth and lazy eye walks through the door.
In 2004 when Punky was born, this was an issue for me. Public boob flashing wasn’t exactly looked on favorably by anyone except pervs and that naked woman from BlogHer. But times have changed since then, thanks to some of our favorite Hollywood celebrities. Now, because of a few brave and pioneering starlets, I can expose myself in style, knowing I’m not a lawbreaker… I’m a trendsetter.
So this goes out to Tara Reid, who I’m pretty sure holds the record for the longest recorded nip slip in history.
To Britney, who showed us her breast side on more than one occasion before embarking on a noble quest to perfect the twat shot.
To Paris, Nip Slipper Extraordinaire. Girl, your continued talent for letting what little there is hang out truly inspires me.
And to Lindsay Lohan, always eager to jump on the celebutante bandwagon. Is this a future La Leche League spokeswoman or what?
Thanks to these fearless role models, I will no longer burn in shame the next time I find my mammaries unexpectedly on display for the library storytime crowd. Instead, I’ll coquettishly toss my hair and with a coy expression, search the room for any paparazzi who just might be recording the moment for the next issue of Nashville Lifestyles. I mean, why not milk the moment for all it’s worth?
>Bwahhhh haaaa haaaa!
>I’m afraid I have flashed my poor boob more times than I care to remember when I was boob feeding.However, boob feeding flashes were easier than being discovered hooked up to the pumping machine while trying to extract the milk.Nothing like the endless Milk cow jokes….I’d nipple flash anyday over that.
>Milk it for all you can, you are now the Dairy Queen!
>Um…where’s Janet? Miss Jackson, if your nasty?
>LOVE this… you are brilliant.
>amen 🙂
>Terrible!! You made me laugh!
>Oh. Freaking hilarious!
>mommak – HAHA!Lindsay – Thank for you getting me accused of looking at porn – and for the great laugh. Nothing like boobie shots on the Sabbath!
>I fed my kids in all kinds of places (baseball games, restaurant booths, the mall etc.) but nobody seemed to care or notice, but then again, I only nursed the first 5 months of either of my kids lives LOL…Besides, nursing is not porn, it’s NATURE!!!!
>ha ha!so right i cant even count how many people have seen my “moo moos”as my offspring called them, but i must share that its “David Hasselhoff”not that i knew that i had to look it up…
>Yeah. That was a joke. 🙂
>I never had the pleasure of flashing anyone in public as my peditrician made me swear and promise and sign a contract stating that all infants were to remain home for six weeks post delivery. SIX WEEKS!!! And instead of telling him to bugger off, I actually obeyed the six week rule to the minute. So impressionable, so scared, so desperate to show my nipples to the mailman when he came to the door b/c I hadn’t seen daylight since I left the delivery room. Bare your boobs with pride and be glad you’re not in Baby Jail!
>”Milk the moment…”heh. You slay me. Even when you’re exhausted. How ever do you do it?
>ya know…iam a dork.
>First of all, I completely agree with the previous person concerning the breastpump. I got caught hooked up to the milking machine one time by a teenage girl who literally screamed when she saw me. I’m breastfeeding now and have found myself wishing we would adopt the look of some of those African women who just leave their breasts out all the time. How convenient that would be.
>Wow, that was scary! I was not expecting real naked people when I clicked that link–and with no back story. WTF? I’m curious, but I’m afraid to look for answers.Gertie, I’ve heard about how some of those ladies can carry their kids on their backs and just sling one over their shoulder to ’em whenever their hungry.
>Too funny.Carrie
>The difference between you and Tara and Britney is that you don’t have paparazzi following you around everywhere. And I bet your tatas look better.
>GIRL…you need to get a Belly Hugger.http://www.breastchester.com/bellyhugger.htmlHeaven on Earth. Now you won’t give a crap about yankin’ out the tatas for Bruiser to feast.Go check it out! Now. Stop reading and run!! LOL
>I actually had a night out with my husband on Friday and while sitting in a hotel bar, there sat a mama breastfeeding. Gotta love it. What do you expect–it was happy hour after all.
>I have two teen sons that saw a woman breastfeed for the first time a couple of months ago.. at first they were shocked, but then they couldn’t tear their eyes away, lol.. I had to keep telling them not to stare.I think they were praying for the baby to come up for air so they could get a really good look.Great post!
>haha, this time around I’m more nervous but hubby is ready for a fight with anyone that says I can’t feed our son. I was like that last time around and we’ve seemed to switch places somehow. But I agree 100% I’m not hiding in a bathroom, sitting on a toilet just to feed my kid. No bottle feeding mom does and neither do any of the single people out there, if they can eat at a table so can my kid. Course my other thought, “Why is everyone watching me feed my child anyway? Doesn’t that make them the perve?
>Hi. I lurk your blog all the time. Congrats on getting in the 10 pound baby club…I’m a member also. Don’t you think you need some kind of T-shirt that exclaims your feat? Or at least a gold star? Anyway…a tip for being discreet. I have been nursing my guy for a year. I bought a whole bunch of those white camisoles from Old Navy. The ones that are kind of stretchy. I wear one under everything. And when I nurse I pull my shirt up and then the cami down along with my bra. That way my stomach doesn’t hang out and minimal boob is hanging out. I also try to wear a cardigan. Congrats again!
>As I recall, when I’m breastfeeding, my boobs look better than EVER. This is the time to be a-flashin’, girl!
>Lindsay, You knew damn well we would all click on the “that naked woman from BlogHer” link. No warning, no, if you click here, nothings…..Ewwwwwwww!!!Now my eyes hurt thank you very much! I must go wash them out! Blah! Is she really a Mommy blogger?Still however, funny as hell!-Charity
>What’s up with people wanting us to nurse our babies in the bathroom? Can you imagine eating your dinner in the stall of a public bathroom? Well said, suburban turmoil. I was rollin’…