The Shocking Truth About Victoria’s Secret Swimsuit Models
You know summer is on its way when the Victoria’s Secret swimsuit catalog arrives in the mail.
Most of us have a love/hate relationship with this particular catalog. In order to view a really excellent selection of beachwear, we are forced to confront a minefield of our own insecurities in the form of Photoshopped, airbrushed Victoria’s Secret supermodels– all of whom fill out these swimsuits in a way that no ordinary woman could hope to replicate without putting a plastic surgeon on retainer and giving up cheeseburgers for life. But as I looked at the latest swimsuit catalog the other day, I realized that it’s time for us to put our envy and our laxative supply aside, because y’all…
The Victoria’s Secret models are clearly SUFFERING.
Perhaps it’s the long flights they must endure in order to reach exotic, swimsuit-friendly locales like Fiji and Malapascua. Or maybe it has something to do with the searing tropical sun that mercilessly beats down on their chemically-treated tresses. Possibly, the problem is being caused by a highly contagious and resilient strain of Rotavirus that’s ripped through the supermodel ranks with the speed and intensity of insults hurled during a Real Housewives cast reunion. I have no idea.
All I know is that there’s trouble in paradise, and we should probably start a fund or something to help these girls out, because they are obviously dealing with a number of potentially serious ailments that require our immediate attention. WOMEN OF AMERICA, OUR HUMANITY DEMANDS IT. Check out these catalog photos and see their troubling troubles for yourself.
Neck pain.
It was immediately apparent to me that a number of these poor models are suffering from severe, chronic neck pain. I think this might have something to do with the fact that they’re forced by their photographer into so many painful contortions for the sake of “the perfect shot.”
NOT OKAY.
Just look at their strained expressions. Clearly, these gals need a good chiropractor, STAT.
And this is just the tip of the iceberg.
Earache.
Bikini shoots aren’t easy, people, particularly when your eardrum feels like it’s been pierced by a two-inch-tall leprechaun wielding a magically sharp sewing needle, and your photographer CLEARLY doesn’t believe such a thing is even possible. Jerk.
Narcolepsy.
Defined as “a condition characterized by an extreme tendency to fall asleep whenever in relaxing surroundings,” it’s pretty obvious from a quick glance at the catalog that a number of Victoria’s Secret models are plagued by this unfortunate condition.
Although the photographer is evidently doing the best he can in an awkward situation, it’s downright dangerous for these ladies to fall asleep on the job. At any moment, an errant tidal wave could come along and completely ruin their hair and makeup, requiring hours of extra labor for the crew and driving up expenses for VS– and therefore, for you and me- the hard working, swimsuit-buying public.
Tennis elbow.
Kiki is doing her best to put on a happy face, but her eyes say it all: “I CAN’T WITH THE PAIN OH ITHURTS ITHURTS ITHURTS TENNNNIS ELLLLBOWWWWW BLEEEERRRRGGGHHH.”
Poor Kiki. So brave.
Lockjaw.
Some consider lockjaw to simply be a very effective diet technique, but it certainly doesn’t look fun or enjoyable to me.
Agonizing Headaches.
Oh ladies. I have been in your stiletto flip flops and I know your pain all too well. A headache can be so debilitating– and to have such a vulnerable moment of searing pain digitally recorded and then disseminated to the general public in mass market mailings… Well, it’s got to be almost too much to bear.
Someone get this poor girl three Aleve before she passes out.
Sand burn.
I’m sure some stylist thought it would be GRAYT to have the models roll around in the sand before their shoots… I’m also sure that stylist didn’t for one moment consider the aftermath of that decision…
Itchy bikini bottoms.
Dur, VS.
EVERYONE knows that sand and… well, you know… do not go together. How could anyone think that the agonizing discomfort on these models’ faces is OKAY? They can hardly wait to get these scratchy bottoms off!
Freakish tan lines.
Some might question whether this is an actual medical condition, but until the tan that results from this swimsuit goes away, Celery here probably won’t be able to leave the house. I for one won’t stand for this kind of mistreatment.
Tummy troubles.
There is little more mortifying than suffering from an intestinal malady whilst clad in next-to-nothing. Do they even have Port-a-Potties in Turks & Caicos?
I didn’t think so.
Poor body image.
No, Vendetta, your butt does NOT look big in that bikini.
SMH.
Melancholy.
With all that these models are going through, is it any wonder that they’re feeling the blues?
Now that you’ve been presented with the evidence, I think you’ll agree that it’s time for all of us to come to these swimsuit models’ aid. I am preparing donation boxes for the girls now, stocked with ibuprofen, Maalox, heating pads, comic books and Little Debbie Snack Cakes.
Let’s hope it’s not too late to help.
For more warped humor, like theSuburban Turmoil Facebook page and follow Suburban Turmoil on Twitter!
All photos courtesy of Victoria’s Secret. Which really does have the best swimsuits around. It’s just such a crying shame about their models…
You never fail me!
Now for a treatise on the ‘sorority’ pose that has eaten America…you know the one! All females over the age of 6 months (or the ability to stand independently) feel they must put their hand on their hip, thrust hip and head in the direction of the akimbo arm and purse their lips (aka ‘cat butt lips’).
I am crying laughing. Too funny, girl!
Copy cat! This post has been all over the internet – you just did the posts in a different order and different names
I just spent the last two days writing this post and have been thinking about it for weeks- I’d love to see the one I “copied.” However, it has been shared 5,000 times today, so um… You might have seen MY post. 🙂
http://mandyotis.blogspot.com/2014/02/the-2014-vs-swim-catalog-moms-buying.html?m=1
Check out the comments too and I think you’ll see where you may have gotten “inspiration”. Oh and this one has been shared 20,000 times since Feb. 21st, so um.. maybe you saw it somewhere? 😉
Laura I have honestly never seen this post but it is hilarious. I’m not sure what your problem is that two bloggers (and there are probably far more than two out there) ended up lampooning a catalog that nearly every woman in the US gets in her mailbox. That’s where the similarities end, as far as I can tell. If you read my blog regularly, you know that I write funny posts about the catalogs I get in the mail quite a bit. The VS catalog was an obvious choice.
The only similarities between these two postings are that both make fun of the Victorias Secret catalog and they are both funny. Both sound completely original to me. Turns out I had already read the other one but didn’t recall it until I clicked on your link.
Omg. I jyst read about anti non plagiarism on cracked and thought they made it up. But it’s true. People really do complain about things that aren’t plagiarised.
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.
This is the funniest thing I’ve read in a very long time. Thanks for the laughs.
NAILED IT.
I will donate to this cause. Where should I send the Little Debbies? 😉
Loved it!
-_-
this is so true, the big wigs are after the money on sales, it does not matter to them how many models they have to use. just get it done. these ladies are smart enough to see what their careers are doing to their bodies, at least I hope smart enough.. not a blonde joke either.
lol good one
haha this is soo funny! looks like the writer’s just trying to save some insecure and lazy girls achieve a good and healthy body..fyi, models eat healthy,they workout religiously just to achieve this body,because its simply their source of income..and these funny comments about the pain,my god,have u ever heard of stretching and cardio? thats what they do before a photoshoot,like those of athletes..stop being insecure,and work your way out towards a healthy body,instead of putting dumb things into simple girls…
Can feminist please stop trying to bash victoria secret models so that fat/obese girls will feel better about themselves. Every single day I get online I see an article or a post by some feminist wrote, who’s forever alone, trying to bash models for using photoshop, being anorexic, being disproportionate, and the list goes on. Everyone knows they don’t look like that in person and if a picture makes you feel insecure you should pretty much just give up on life, because it gets a lot harder. Male models bodies are 10x more difficult to achieve and you don’t see a bunch of 40 year old virgins posting anti-model campaigns all over the internet. If these women make you feel insecure than maybe you should possibly stop putting your effort into changing society’s view of beauty (which will never change) and put that effort into a gym and do something that will actually benefit yourself.
Hilarious, this needs to go viral.
i was laughing while reading this.
I actually worked — a real, live Victoria’s Secret fashion show, being pre-recorded, one that was televised from the Kodak Theatre in Los Angeles, one year. Just have to say one thing. Photo-shopping – might- make some non-models feel better. However, I saw these ladies, firsthand, and Giselle, and the group, are like aliens, just very “perfectly” beautiful, in real life, not photo-shopped, Just exquisite beauties, seemingly, not from this earth ! 🙂 Furthermore, (sorry), they were funny, and very nice. It is their job, their talent, their “gift” like others of us may be artistic, super smart, whatever, etc. 🙂
I agree- These models ARE so funny and nice- you can just tell by looking at them- and they should really be treated better so that they don’t have so many issues on their shoots! If you’d like to contribute some Little Debbies (any flavor is fine), let me know and I’ll tell you where to send them.
this was a stupid article. and I want my time back from reading it! LOL
The real SHOCKING TRUTH it’s all caused hmmmmm by NOT EATING DERRRRR