>You’re Still Here?
>If you haven’t noticed, until last week, I wasn’t really around for a while. I mean, I was here, but not…. Here. Not in the way I usually am.
Despite the fact that I knew the “baby blues” had kicked my ass after Punky and that it would likely be even worse this time around, postpartum depression still managed to take me by surprise, this time snatching me up like some kind of evil WWE wrestler and bodyslamming me on the mat of my existence.
For six months after Bruiser was born, I told myself I was fine. Oh, I was irritable and prone to short bursts of weeping with frustration, but I knew what was behind it, and that made me okay, right?
Wrong.
Take eight straight months without a full night’s sleep, add the hormonal chaos that comes with breastfeeding, throw in an incredibly noisy baby who wants to be held or at least looked at in the eye 24/7, an active, inquisitive three-year-old, and two temperamental teens prone to fits of, well, awe-inducing bitchiness, sprinkle the whole thing with three freelance writing jobs, and then toss in a potentially life-threatening illness for Hubs and the next thing I knew, I found myself in a fog of what I can only assume was despair.
For the last two months, I’ve had trouble getting anything done. Anything. I’ve tried to be forgiving of myself, doing only what absolutely had to be done to keep things running smoothly. The kids were bathed and fed, supper was (usually) on the table each night, the holiday decorations were put up in reasonable amounts of time. Appointments were (barely) kept, writing assignments were handed in (seconds) before deadline, and the blog was (occasionally) updated.
But I haven’t been calling back friends. I haven’t been visiting blogs. I haven’t been keeping up with e-mails. And when I think of all there is to do, and all that I’ve been putting off, I still feel completely exhausted and incapable. At times over the last two months, I looked at this blog and at my Parents.com blog and thought, Did I write that? How on earth did I manage to turn in three posts this week? I have been operating on auto pilot, feeling like there is nothing to look forward to each day except another 18 straight hours of changing diapers, preparing meals, doing laundry, nursing, reading picture books, and doing dishes. I have felt, uncharacteristically, inordinate amounts of irritation and even rage. I had always thought that depression involved a lot of sleeping and uncontrollable crying, but now, I think that depression is the only term that could describe how I was feeling.
I can tell you this now because I am at last starting to feel like I’m getting back to my old self. Bruiser is finally (finally! ) sleeping through the night and I’m actually managing to sleep for eight straight hours at a time. That has helped, along with Bruiser’s decision to cut down on nursing. Breastfeeding and my emotional well-being just do not go together. I have considered it a huge sacrifice I’ve made for my babies, but now I’m thinking my family needs a calm, happy mother and stepmother more than they need a profoundly annoyed, lactating one.
Hubs is finally getting back to his old self, too, and that’s done more than anything to make me feel better. He was improving a little bit each week, but it took forever, and when your husband is yellow and constantly itching, you can’t help but be freaked out and vaguely terrified, regardless of what his numbers are after each blood draw.
Now that I’ve cleared all these hurdles, I no longer take for granted the fact that I generally wake up each morning hopeful and excited about the day. I don’t take for granted my energy and ambition. I don’t take for granted my optimism. I’ve had all of these things my whole life; being without them for a few months made me realize just how precious they are, and how difficult it can be for people who live much of their lives without them.
I’m still crazy busy, but I’m back. I can feel it. And I’m so glad you’re still here, and that you waited me out. Thank you.
>I could tell something was up. I’ve never met you, but I am a faithful reader, and I could tell your writing echoed a sort of “hollowness”. (Not that I didn’t enjoy reading it, obviously)I hope you have weathered this storm, and look forward to reading the “feel better” you.
>I found you only recently so I did not realize you were off your game, so to speak. I’m glad you’ll be around more though! And glad you are feeling better. Merry Christmas!
>I hope you get to feeling completely better.
>I have been a faithful reader for years and Gertie’s description of your posts these last few months fits my impression as well.I know what it’s like to have a newborn and with everything else you have on top of that, I think you’re doing an admirable job.Another thing I’ve noticed is that you have been justifying yourself and your parenting choices so much lately. One of the reasons I love your blog is that you don’t (or never used to) apologize for who you are, especially when it comes to your kids and your family. You know you’re great mom. You don’t need the internet to tell you that.Hope you feel better soon. Sounds like you could use a break. Hope you get some time away, and more than just a trip to Target.
>Welcome back! that is an awful feeling while you are in it and the worst part is it makes you feel like a bad person to say it out loud, that is if you can even articulate what it is that is “wrong” I wish there was a way for people to really understand postpardum depression talking about it doesn’t really convey what is going on if you have never experienced it. Unfortunately that is the biggest hurddle in admitting you are suffering, as mothers we are expected to be “Superwomen” we are not allowed to slip below par it is an unreasonable standard and it needs changing.
>I’ve been in a really bad bout of depression for a while now, and trust me you’ve been a lot better at pushing through than I have- at least as far as blog posts are concerned :)I’m really glad you are starting to feel better. Don’t push yourself too hard on our accounts, okay?
>(((HUGS)))
>Just figured you were crazy busy, Lindsay. I don’t know how you do it! You’re at the helm of a big bunch there. Hooray for Bruiser (& now you) sleeping! And hooray for feeling better… The first year of motherhood was mighty rough for me, and I only have one child.
>Welcome back! Glad you are feeling better.
>I liked the fact that your writing is a reflection of a true human person who has highs and lows. It is one of the things that keep me coming. If you were always “little miss perfect” you wouldn’t reflect a real woman and I have no interest in that. I thought your writing was great no matter what, it had a bit of a different flavor but you were sharing what was going on in your life pretty effectively. Thank you so much for being a real woman and being with us through the good and the bad. I think that is what makes you so good. Depression is a very serious thing and I bet there are a lot of us who appreciate you walking that path you were on with us – very enlightening.
>Well, your comments are really interesting. The “hollowness,” I think, was just the fact that I was too tired to go far enough to write about anything controversial or complicated. I was barely able to complete sentences, I was so tired. I mean eight months without a full night’s sleep is completely insane. So yeah, I felt like it was “Suburban Turmoil Lite” most days. Parents.com was even harder, because I don’t even get any comments over there. It’s like writing into the abyss.
>First, hug yourself since I can’t, ok?You’re brave to put that much honesty out there on your blog for the world to see. Being honest about depression, particularly any type of post-partum/mommy depression is a two-edged sword: maybe you’ll get support and help; or maybe you’ll get looked at askance and have people questioning your mommying abilities.I’ve been there. Not PPD, but what I like to call SDID (Sleep Deprivation Induced Depression). My youngest (I have 3 – 6, 4.5 and almost 2) was a nightmare in the screaming and sleeping department. Screamed constantly, never slept more than four/five hours at night. By month five, I was at the brink of collapse — I had the two older kiddos to take care of, two aging dogs, a husband driving 14o miles roundtrip each day to his new joband, the fun job of selling our house in a tanking market. 2006 was The Year of The Crucible for me — just how much could I endure, and would I emerge intact, a stronger version of myself?I did, and I can tell you already are, too.I tell my kids, and I really believe this in my heart, that the only way to appreciate a moment in time as true happiness and joy is to have experienced deep dark sorrows. The tough times help us to understand just how sweet an ordinary day can be.Keep your head above water! We’re all rooting for ya!Smiles atcha,WM — Writer-Mommy
>Congrats on weathering the storm with so much grace. And here’s to sleep!
>I can SO relate! Our bodies are sometimes beyond our control and if you are like me (a bit of a control freak) this is especially harsh. Why isn’t anything the way it is SUPPOSED to be? Welcome back. Time to yourself and doing things YOU love are the best prescription. By the way, I thought you were very funny and easy to relate to-if that is being off your game I can’t wait for the “old and improved” you. Happy Holidays!
>Well, of course. That’s what friends are for – and we know you’d do the same for us.
>Please don’t think I was criticizing. I was most certainly not! Your blog is one of the highlights of my day (which often includes stumbling around in a sleep deprived haze as well. 😉 ) Obviously, I don’t even have the guts nor the gumption to even have a blog.Here’s to better days!
>Well done – you’re getting there. And isn’t it such a relief when you finally realise that? I went through a similar experience after my second and it took me around 18 months to start feeling anything like my old self – so you’re already doing better than some!One thing, though – it’s harder to do it by yourself. As great as blogging can be, an independant counsellor with an unbiased point of view is what I think got me through…
>Glad you are feeling more like yourself. Maddie asked about Punky and Bruiser today. Let me know if I can help.
>Aww, welcome back!-Charity
>I hope that you feel 100% sooner than later.
>Glad to have you back and to know that you are feeling better!
>It would have been permissible to drop the blog while you recovered. We know how to find you, if and when.Congratulations on gaining ground.
>I’ve been thinking of you. The blog will wait for you. Just be well.xo
>I know what you’ve been through sans the stepchildren. My husband’s sickness is his workaholism meaning that I never see him or at least not much. It took me almost a full year and a little pharmacological and therapeutic help to shake it.I’m sorry you had to go through this, but I’m so happy for you are feeling better.My archives are loaded with discussions about my own journey through ppd. If it helps you, feel free to check them out.
>Many hugs and equilibrated thoughts for you!
>I’m so glad that you’re feeling better :)I’m feeling the pull of the postpartum depression trying to weigh me down, and it’s hard to stay afloat somedays. It really is.Thanks for reminding me that there is an end in sight, somewhere.
>I only hope that other moms will read and understand.So many truisms here.True, that PPD also presents itself with not only moms stuck in the “lows” but also stuck in the “highs.” “I’m fine. Yes, I’m fine. Yes, I’m fine.” (all with her arms crossed).True, you can be a mom and be ambitious. it doesn’t take away from you being loving and affectionate.Happy to hear that you are finding your way back to what feels like yourself.
>Can I say thank you? I needed to read this post on someone’s blog… someone who I admire as a Mom and a writer. Not that I can force myself to actually figure out what to do with myself right now. But I just needed to read this.Thank you.Jenna of Family Living.
>I’m glad you’re feeling better (and writing about it, which helps others going through the same thing) and that things are more on an even keel again. I could tell something was going on, but I still think you’re doing a great job at what you do, gracefully even. You have 4 kids, and that’s hard, especially since they’re all four in stages that are universally agreed to be difficult stages of childhood. Thanks for letting us in on what’s been going on, and I’m glad Hubs is feeling better as well. Andrea
>I’m so glad you’re on the road to getting back to your old self again… I went through many of the same things you’re describing…and yeah, I’d agree that breastfeeding contributed to the emotional drain, too. Of course, it was worth it…no question on that…but our bodies just “know” when it’s time to cut the supply so-to-speak, and to take your body back. (Of course, every woman is different…then again, some women are just able to nurse ’till the cows come home! heh.) Anyway, just remember that you’re not alone, and you have our support!!!*hugs*
>I’m glad you are feeling back to your old self. Honestly you amaze me with all of your writing gigs! And the fact that you are doing the preschool thing at home with Punky! See…you rock! And you cook! And, I could go on!I’m very unscientific but I swear that sleep deprivation makes one slowly lose one’s mind. Or something like that. It only takes both my girls getting sick simultaneously for me to be in complete awe of the fact that I even survived the newborn months!Take care….don’t be too hard on yourself. You’re fabulous.
>My wife also battled postpartum depression after our 2nd little one. It took 9 months for her to shake. I had to carry the torch quite a bit to help her through it.I am happy you were able to lick it as well. For folks who do not believe that it is a real malady, it indeed can be a real and scary thing. Help from your family, your doctor and any other support can make a critical difference. Best wishes to you
>Congratulations, keep feeling better, and enjoy your little guy.
>Thanks for the honesty. I remember after my third, I just felt swallowed up by the OVERWHELMINGNESS (is that even a word?) of it all.
>Welcome back. I didn’t realize what was missing until you said something, but now that you mention it… yeah, you have been a little off lately. So very glad that B is giving you a break and you are getting sleep and all that. It is amazing what a good night’s sleep will do for a girl’s outlook. (Well, for me it needs to be several in a row. Just one makes me more tired the next day than if I had continued the up-every-two-hours routine, but you know what I mean.)
>The hardest thing about having my second child was the sleep deprivation. Boy did it hit hard on my hubs and I. And I didn’t even have a blog to feel guilty about back then.Take your time to get better. Don’t feel like you have to rush back to the old schedule here. Do it when it feels right.xo
>I have a friend who had a baby about 5 mos before I gave birth to the 8yo. She sent me the most GLOWING emails when the 8yo was born, about how happy the baby had made her, etc. etc. etc. And all I could think was, good God, what is wrong with me? I would have gladly gone back to work at 5 wks if they’d have taken me, just to get away from what was — by all other accounts — an adorable baby. When I adopted the 2yo, he came home at 7 1/2 months and was sleeping through the night. I cannot tell you what a different experience that was, even though now I am a single mom and supposedly it should be a lot harder. I know we all NEED sleep, but I think some of us are much more affected by the lack of it. I know I can be counted on to yell at my kids any time they have waked me up the night before. Not as revenge [ha!] but just because I lose the controls I normally have over my own reactions.You hang in there, sleep all you can, and do what you HAVE to — not what you feel you should. 🙂 We all love you out here in the innertubes.
>It sounds like you have had a lot to deal with and it looks to me like you’ve done a great job.I suffered severe PPD with the birth of my second child last year. I have had bouts of depression but never anything like this. I had to be hospitalized twice and had a little trouble finding good medical care. My mother lived with us for 4 months because I was incapable of caring for my children. After getting therapy and the right anti-depressant, I am much better.Don’t beat yourself up about it too much. PPD can absolutely knock you on your ass and can be very different from a regular clinical depression. What you said about rage really hit home for me. I had moments of unbelievable rage and anger directed at my baby, unfortunately. Rage is often typical for PPD and is something that people don’t understand unless they have experienced it.I think it is amazing that you have managed to keep everything together. I hope you continue to get better. I also hope you continue to post about your experience because there are still misconceptions and judgments made about PPD, particularly coming from other mothers. I think I might take this opportunity to write about it myself.
>Hi Lindsey,I’ve been there were you are, done that, and been frightened by the rage. I’m glad you are starting to feel normal. There’s nothing worse than being in the grip of depression and having been there so long that you start to think that it is normal and that you’ll always feel like this.I’m really impressed with what you have managed to accomplish during the past several months. Some of your list is impressive even for a person not struggling emotionally and physically to keep it together.So rest up, feel better, and we’ll still be here reading when you do.I hope you start to wake up excited again real soon. You are right, it’s not something to take for granted once you’ve lived without it for a while.
>I have just found you and I’ve read through some archives and some new stuff. There was a small disconnect that I noticed, but I didn’t know why.Congratulations on speaking out. More women should.Good luck on your future.I will be back and I look forward to reading more. I enjoy your wit, your take it or leave it attitude and your general way with words.
>Glad you’re back!