>Teen Pregnancy: No Big Deal?
>”If I got pregnant,”my 17-year-old asked casually the other night while she and a friend were talking about a girl they knew who’d gotten knocked up, “would you want me to keep it or get rid of it?”
“We’d want you to keep it,” I said. “I mean, having a baby and giving it up for adoption would be extremely traumatizing. But I think abortion as a teen would haunt you more later in life, especially since you live in a family that could deal with a pregnancy.”
She nodded, still looking a little too casual for my comfort. Oh. No. Juno.
“But you would totally be grounded the whole time!” I added quickly.
The blase attitude melted. “What?!” she sputtered. “Grounded?!” This hadn’t figured into her scenario at all.
“Yes. Grounded.” I said flatly. “For the duration.”
She sighed heavily and began discussing with her friend whether it would be fair to be grounded during pregnancy. The whole thing was more than a little unnerving. After 17 and her friend had graduated from junior high, several girls from their neighborhood school had gotten pregnant and gone through with having their babies, either letting their moms raise the child or giving it up for adoption. The two girls talked about teen pregnancy like it wasn’t all that out of the ordinary.
It didn’t help matters, I realized, that Juno had emerged as one of 17’s all-time favorite movies. And why not? It was a funny, heartwarming film, and Juno was the kind of girl with whom many teens could identify, a smart, sarcastic and deeply witty teen who didn’t quite fit in with the high school crowd. The problem was that in Juno’s Hollywood-ized world, a girl could get pregnant, face a minimum of criticism from friends and family, give her baby up for adoption, get her man, and live happily ever after in blissful song-singing satisfaction.
The image is so potentially problematic that USA Today now has devoted an entire article to it.
Here’s an excerpt:
Sarah Brown, CEO of the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, is concerned about the message girls will get from Juno, which she believes is unrealistic. The movie paints a portrait of a pregnant teen who is not only extremely self-possessed but who also has a very supportive family.
“Adults understand the bigger picture and what the risks are of adolescence and childbearing,” Brown says. “Adolescents see it through the lens of the ‘me generation.’ Adolescence is also a self-absorbed time. If the baby got handed off and she got the boyfriend back (as happens in Juno), what’s the problem?”
Brown says part of her concern is the film’s tone toward unintended pregnancy. “We’re all now tolerant and non-judgmental. Apparently that now extends to getting pregnant and having babies,” she says.
It’s a tough call. On one hand, I don’t think we as a society should come down too hard on a pregnant teen who’s chosen to have her baby. She has made a brave decision, one that will brand her with what’s essentially a large sign bearing the words “I HAD PREMARITAL SEX” for months. Pregnancy and its aftermath were some of the most difficult challenges I’ve ever faced. I don’t feel I need to add to it with a disapproving glance when I see a teenager with a baby bump.
On the other hand, I feel squeamish hearing my stepdaughter and her friend discuss it like it’s no big deal. I was appalled to hear about a baby shower one of my stepdaughter’s pregnant acquaintances had, one that was given and attended by teen girls. I don’t want her to feel like getting pregnant is just one of many possible and unexpected directions her life could take, hence my ridiculous behavior when the subject came up.
“It would be weird to be grounded while you’re pregnant,” my stepdaughter’s friend said. “But Laney’s mom wouldn’t let her wear makeup after she got pregnant, so…” I giggled, despite myself.
“Okay, she wouldn’t really be grounded,” I said. “I just don’t want you guys to think that it wouldn’t be a big, horrible ordeal. Because it would. Having sex in high school is just a really bad idea.”
“It’s not just pregnancy,” her friend mused. “You could also get an STD,”
“But aren’t those curable?” my stepdaughter asked.
“The problem is, you don’t always know you’ve got one until it’s done serious damage,” I said ominously. “You could end up with major problems. Infertility. Cancer. Bad, bad problems.” I must have looked like a moron. This was not how I’d pictured myself discussing teen sex at all.
So how will you handle it with your kids when the time comes? How did you handle it, if you have older children? And do you worry that Jamie Lynn Spears, movies like Juno, and even pregnant teens in your own community will give your kids the impression that teen pregnancy is no longer that big of an issue?
>It’s not up to the movies to present the real life view of a problem. My daughter and I loved Juno, but afterwards I pointed out all the same flaws the article you quoted did.Talking to you kids about EVERYTHING is the best answer there is; good for you for chiming in.
>I want to be open with my girls and hope that they will be able to talk to me about everything… I live in an area where teen pregnancy seems to be a way of life… Makes me want to lock up my girls and home school them, I just hope I can educate them enough and that they will make good choices…
>I love the opportunities that movies like Juno and all those teen-angst movies on Lifetime give me to have yet another conversation with my kids about these kind of topics. I’m trying to beat the odds here (5 girls!).Although I often joke about sending my girls to a Home for Unwed Mothers if they turn up pregnant, I’m completely serious when I remind them that you can’t be a child if you have one to raise.
>Yikes, whats in the water there? sounds like a lot of teen pregnancies.As parents we do the best we can to instill our values to our kids, and hope they stick in the end.One area that has a lot of influence, is their circle of friends. Staying involved in your kids’ activities, monitoring who they are with, helping them foster positive relationships are all helpful. Who you choose as friends has a lot to do with which way you go in high school. Also, kids that have a passion about something (besides sex) ….like a sport, academic or service club, are less likely to get pregnant…it helps to instill goals and a vision for the future that doesnt include babies before marriage.
>Wow, that is a hard one. Personally i have no children of my own, and my two stepchildren are boys…so i just have to worry about them getting a girl pregnant! I agree with Virginia that it is good to take movies like Juno and use them as conversation starters. That is what my mom did. She also, was NEVER afraid to touch on a touchy subject with us. I think just talking to children, teens, and young adults about these things is very important…and the lesson i learned from my parents is talk openly and without embarassment and you kids will listen and take you seriously!
>I worry more about Jamie Lynn Spears because it is a real baby and her target audience is pre-teens. JUNO doesn’t bother me as much, because there will be no real baby in the end and it can promote the talk about how that would not happen in real life.I think not being judgemental has hurt us, because teens believe that pregnancy, oral sex and full on sex is no big deal. So what if you get a disease, so what if a baby is born (someone will be there to catch all the responsiblity), and so what if you give it away freely you lose a piece of yourself. I know many will scoff at these ideas, but I am shocked (don’t have a teen child myself, but have teen sisters) to hear teens throw such (in my opinion) adult actions around like it is nothing. It is something. Your life will be centered around a disease or some after effect of it or you will be followed by a real live human or you will just regret your prior careless. I don’t see anyone winning.
>DUDE. Ugh. This one is SO hard. My boys know all about sex, because, well, I had a baby when they were way old and my oldest watched her be born. It’s really easy for me to talk to them about sex. But my daughter? I don’t know. I can’t imagine having to explain it to her. She’s only two, though. I’ll update you in eight years. :)PS: I found you through your perfect post thing (some awesome blogger nominated me!) and, confession? I am totally hooked. You SO have a new lurker.
>1. Pregnancy out of wedlock is not only de-stigmatized, it is legitimized by the popular media (People/Us etc…). Celebrity pregnancies give a glamour to the out of wedlock pregnancy without showcasing the downside to the non-celebrity (regarding arresting education and career). The libertarian in me doesn’t care about the celebs as they can bankroll their decision. Unfortunately most of us commoners cannot.2. STD’s are a big deal. Only chlamydia and gonorrhea are curable. The viral illnesses (Herpes, HIV, Human Papilloma Virus) still leave a permanent legacy. Thank you for acknowledging that with 17.3. Thank you as well for acknowledging the longterm psychological scars termination can cause. I grew up with a friend who knew he was only the firstborn because his mother terminated the first as she and her husband weren’t ready for kids. His mom still channels her anger/guilt into legitimizing her choice by being a rabid and vociferous (I do not use the term lightly) NOW/NARAL activist in our home town.
>You all make really good points. It’s just one of those issues that has no easy solution, isn’t it? No matter what you believe.I do think that popular TV shows and songs are having a HUGE impact on teen attitudes about sex, drugs and alcohol. I believe that based on what I’m seeing. I don’t believe that the answer is to keep our teens from seeing this stuff, simply because that only serves to glamorize it unfortunately. UGH. It makes me want to move to rural nowhere, live in a log cabin and homeschool all my girls until some young Michael Landon look-and-actalikes ride up on horses and proclaim their intent to court and marry them. *sigh*
>Hi there. I wandered in from Kim Stagliano’s blog.I haven’t seen Juno. My kids haven’t either. They are still of an age when I can say what movie they see or not. Just reading the premise for Juno horrified me. But an awful lot of what’s in the YA aisle at the bookstore horrifies me. I’m old-fashioned. I hand my kids adult books that aren’t too adult to read and hope that they’ll skip most of the YA.Gosh, I sound like such a fuddy-duddy. Let me put it simply. I don’t want my kids to ever think that having sex or having a baby or having an abortion is ‘no big deal’. I want it to be a great big deal. The kind of big deal that makes them think it’s for adults and not for minors.And if I can’t get them to think that, I’ll ground them until they’re eighteen. And maybe a few years beyond, but certainly not past the age of thirty.And I’ll make them spend that time studying and cleaning the bathrooms.That’ll learn ’em.Pleased to meet you, by the way.
>Being a stepmom is tricky but here you have a great opportunity. Your stepdaughter obviously feels comfortable enough with you to discuss it which is good. All you can do is offer good choices and give good advice. And, maybe slip a birthcontrol pill in her morning oj.The best part of being a stepmom is that if anything bad happens you get to blame her mom.
>My stepson is 17 and I think I have talked to him more than anyone else about sex, drugs, smoking, and drinking. We tend to use humor when we discuss it. Like the time he went to a friend’s birthday party and I told him, “Don’t be drinking! Bring it home to me.” and I like to use a line from the movie “Mean Girls” – “Don’t have sex. You’ll die.”He’s a good kid with great aspirations. I don’t think he wants to mess up his future. (crossing fingers)
>I have yet to see Juno but being open and honest with my children is the best approach for me. No subject is off limits. My mother was extremely open with me and my sisters when it came to sex. She let it be known that she was available and would answer any question we had. (I can remember asking her at 11 or 12 what fellatio was. I can only imagine what she was thinking…). In addition to answering the questions my mom made a point of saying that these were things that only grown ups should be doing and only when they felt ready.I’ve done the exact same thing with my stepdaughters (15 and 13) and will do the same with my daughter when the time comes. Its never easy, you can be as open and honest as the day is long and in the end your child may still choose to go a different route.I just have to trust that I’m raising intelligent children that are confident and can think for themselves and in the end will make the right choice.
>I had heard of Juno but hadn’t really known what it was about. It is disturbing.I am scared to death to have to deal with the whole ordeal. Luckily my oldest is 4 and I have a little more time to think about it. I would hope that I would be open and make her comfortable to talk to me.
>Well, I haven’t seen Juno. I was, however, a teenage mother. My mom talked to me about sex often and openly. However, I had other home issues that led to my poor choices that led to my teen pregnancy and subsquent doomed teen marriage. I tried but I made some horrifically bad mistakes. The fact that my daughter is now a healthy, happy, reasonably well-adjusted 21 year old college junior is only by the grace of God and the kindness of my grandmother. If I knew what to say that would make a difference to teenagers today, I would go say it. Repeatedly and loudly. But the sad fact is that I didn’t listen to the people around me and I suspect that most at-risk kids are the same. I think that one key to fixing this problem is to have stable, appropriate male influences in the lives of our children. Girls who don’t have that don’t form relationships well.
>This is really tough today, and you remember being that age and realize you sound like a moron to your teen. And I think movies do create important impressions in their minds. And the unrealistic endings weigh on parents. The end of Knocked Up was great. But my daughter’s friend who got knocked up after knowing Dude for a few months isn’t laughing now that the Feds have arrested him for heinous crimes. Now she’s married to him with a baby on the way. It is a complete train wreck. She’s only 20. No, the movies never end that way do they? That’s not witty and funny. I only wish girls were more afraid of it than they are. I had a baby when my daughter was 13 and another when she was 17. Seeing me go through it was helpful I think. Not all so much fun that pregnancy business! (She was there at 13 when they put my epidural in and it didn’t go smoothly…)There is part of you that just prays they make it AT LEAST to a respectable enough age, very close to the end of college, without getting preggers!!!
>Good point, Cindy. Thank God, her dad is about as stable and present a man in her life as it gets. That’s why I don’t really worry about her. I know from seeing some of her friends, though, that things can change in the blink of an eye, so I just keep my fingers crossed.
>My friends and I were discussing this even though our oldest among us is only 5. I have girls and they have boys, so they are curious how a mom of girls will talk to her girls and if I would get my girls on the pill.My biggest fear is my girls getting their information from peers. So, I’ve already begun the discussion with my girls about the dynamics of baby-making. Not intercourse yet, but the discussion is out there. I hope to impress on them the weight of making an adult choice as a teenager. The weight of adult consequences too! Pregnancy is not the worst that can come from irresponsible sexual activity. I know plenty of people who have adopted out and kept their babies to know I would want my child to give her baby up. BUT, I won’t make that choice for her. I guess the best I can do is let my girls know that they bear most of the burdensome consequences for being sexually active and that the longer they wait the freer they remain to make their life what they want it to be, including what their values regarding sex are.
>And Amy, you make a good point that I need to keep in mind. The girls were with me throughout both pregnancies and the aftermath and none of that was very pretty. I’m sure that’s why they’re both very sure right now that they won’t be having children!Wow. I may be what keeps them from having sex! It brings a tear to my eye. 😉
>PS Not ALL STDs are curable and it didn’t seem like you emphasized that to 17. Also, when teenagers are pregnant – it’s not really “I had premaital sex” that is branded on them, because that’s semi-normal. It’s “I’M AN IDIOT” because they didn’t prevent pregnancy. It’s not rocket science, and yes – that is what their friends will really think. Tell your kids to double bag (pill + condom) and remind them how muhc fun they will miss out on during college. Maybe show them photos of diseased parts. Scary, scary..
>I have only 1 child and she is a mere 3 years old. Can I just stick my fingers in my ears and say “I don’t hear you. Lalalalalalala!” for a little while longer?
>I think you did a great job in that conversation.One book I heartily recommend from my youth is Changing Bodies, Changing Lives (the link is to the 1998 version). It’s got great information. My mom wrote her opinions about stuff that was covered in the margins and let me know I could come talk to her about anything I had questions on. It was a good way for her to communicate her values to me on a schedule that was good for me, y’know?
>Jack and I had considered never potty-training our girls as a means to birth-control. It doesn’t look like that’s an option, but we were oh, so tempted. I have responded to you at my blog. Unfortunately, I have no answers for ou, only more questions and what-if scenarios.
>I thought Juno presented a realistic ending. Nothing that happened to her was presented as easy (I am thinking of her sobbing in the hospital bed after giving birth). I think it is ok to say that there will be happiness, music dates again. I would not let my teen (13) see it because I did not think she would pick up on the complexities of that decision. My stepdaughters (14 and 16) did see it. I am very concerned about the fourteen-year old. Last year she was caught making out with a seventeen-year-old at Target. She does not live with us and we see her whenever she chooses to visit, so I feel my influence is limited. I often think “what if she got pregnant?” What would our reaction be? Would we allow her to live with us and raise the baby? It is all so complicated. Throw in the adolescent brain (that is still growing until age 25 apparently), and it adds another wrinkle. My mother was way too open about sex. Because her mother refused to talk about it, she swung to the other extreme. I try to maintain a balance (i have no idea how I am doing) between openness and healthy boundaries with my daughter. My husband has asked me to talk to the other girls about sex (i have not done that yet), but I think it is also important for them to hear it from him. What we have said to all three girls numerous times is our experience (we both married someone we did not love at 20 because of an unplanned pregnancy). We talked openly about the difficulties of marriage to someone you don’t love, then divorce, then single-parenting. We also talk about how different it feels when you love someone, when you plan it (not your feelings for the baby–just the overall excitement and readiness). We always tease that we will be horrible grandparents unless they wait until after they have a master’s degree and are in their thirties to have babies. Ultimately all we can do is our best– and then let go a little and try to deal with and accept their choices.
>I think one of the main things that teens miss (I know I did) is the awesome love, grown up love, deep love, creating a family type of love, that sex can and should be a reflection of.By choosing to have bastardized, loveless, childish sex you are giving up something that is so precious, treating something that is so awesome without the reverence it deserves.
>Personally, I think it depends a lot on the kid. I know people in high school who did have kids, but most people were having sex and being responsible and careful about it. As long as you impress on them that it is a big responsibility and what your values are in terms of sex and love and relationships, and as long as you think they are responsible enough to be as careful as they need to be, I think it might be okay. But I would really impress upon them how important those things are and that I would rather them come to me for advice on birth control or relationships than to tell me they screwed up. I’d prefer to be able to help them make good decisions that clean up after bad ones, I suppose is what I’m saying.
>We have boys, so it’s very simple – “you’ll have no choice in whether or not she keeps the baby and you’ll have to pay child support for the next 18 years no matter what!”
>At times, I regret being a childless bachelor. Then I read an entry like this ‘un, and realize that it’s best I’m so. My daughter would be sent to a convent until she’s 30, and the lad…well, let’s just say that drop-kicking across several area codes would be the mildest form of “Junior, let me have your undivided attention hyar…” I can concoct…
>I will never forget the conversation I had with my husband’s 17 year old niece, as she gave her newborn a bottle. “I tried to breastfeed,” she told me, “but all the girls in my class use bottles, and the nursing was just too hard.” ALL the 17 year olds. Gah. I am still in shock, ten years later. My oldest children (18 and 14) are boys, and I have been VERY clear about the dire fate that awaits them if they get somebody pregnant. My daughter is ten, and I think grounding for the duration of the pregnancy is an entirely reasonable solution.
>Why were you appalled about the baby shower? Why would a teen mother not deserve that support from friends during that time? It’s nice to have help getting all the things needed for the baby. I don’t understand why you would see that as them making light of the situation or just another excuse to throw a party or something rather than just them showing their support and that they’re there for her, still her friend (sadly most teen moms lose most of their friends) and care about her and the baby. Sorry for the run-on sentence.
>My niece is pregnant, due Aug 5. She is a MESS and thinks she’s doing fine. The boyfriend (18 and father of 2 other babies with different teen girls) has been in jail TWICE since she got pregnant – Lovely. The only good thing is she decided this past weekend to relinquish the baby, and the boyfriend snapped back that he would keep the baby and ‘give it to his mom to raise’ which made us all see red; well his current stint in charm school will make the Courts see him as unfit. The outlook for teens who parent and their children is HORRIBLE. I wish they would make a documentary showing the downward spiral – the babies frequently suffer abuse, and the poverty levels are staggering. There are very few success stories. Another fact that should be brought forward is when grandparents or other people offer to help raise the baby, the ‘helping’ gets old really quick. The money and babysitting dry up, and the teen is left swinging out in the cold, alienated by being burdensome with a child. I have so many friends with kids with babies. All 3 generations are miserable. And the saddest thing is that the little ones are bewildered by the venom that surrounds them. It is one of the sad statistics in America. Teen pregnancies = dire poverty for the mother and child. Almost forever. As frequently the child becomes a teen parent.
>oh what a sad sad topic. i haven’t seen juno yet, but i want to. i cannot imagine going through teen pregnancy, i struggle with stable marriage adult pregnancy!! pregnancy is hard!!my sister in law just gave birth and it makes me sad for the baby. she and her boyfriend have moved into my mil’s apartment. he works (sometimes) and they fight constantly. what kind of family is that for the baby to grow up in? it makes me sad, but glad that i’m not in my sil’s shoes. i know my son (and other children) will grow up with stable responsible loving parents.i don’t know what i would say, i only have a 1 yr old boy with another baby on the way, so i have some time to figure it out still!i think the only real thing we as parents can do is make sure we teach them right, be open and always talk with them about EVERYTHING!! in the end, ultimately, the decision is up to them.
>We started talking about purity and God’s plan for their lives when my kids were tiny. I have a 13yo daughter and 11yo son. My daughter and I talk about everything. After meeting young people who have chosen abstinence before marriage, she told me she wants to wait for sex until she’s married. She went so far as to ask for a purity ring. None of this was forced on her. She just added it all up, and chose. She’s very mature for her age, so I have no doubt she will keep the promise she’s made to herself, and God.My kids have seen the fall-out from having children out of wedlock (close family members). My daughter’s cousin is one of three kids from different fathers, same mother, and she is being raised by her aunt and uncle because of the mother’s bad choices. So, we’ve had the opportunity to discuss why that’s all not such a good thing.And I’ve homeschooled my kids. The blessings that come from filling them up with our morals and values when they are young rather than those of the world are becoming more and more evident. Eventually, they will have to choose, but they will have a solid foundation by that time.
>Mention genital warts. That will turn a teenager off sex like nothing else.
>I’m torn about “Juno” as well. I keep up a half-joking “no boys” refrain with my 10-month old daughter and I worry about my current lack of troubled-male-youth-repellent in the house. And while I would love for my girl to see Juno as a personality, coping, and courage role model I also really really really don’t want to be a young grandfather. So I can empathize with those parents who worry that “Juno” might send a blase message to kids regarding young sex and teen pregnancy.But I also see “Juno” as an equally good movie for parents of teens. Although Juno’s father reacts strongly at first, he does not blow up and spend his time wishing for a time machine: he deals with the situation at hand in as cool-headed a manner as one could expect from a father in that situation. Likewise, the step-mother who is routinely disrespected by her step-daughter remains cool-headed, if disappointed, and proves herself a much more caring parent than Juno’s biological, cactus-mailing mother.As much as Juno might send a casual message to teens about teen pregnancy, it sends a fantastic message to adults about teen pregnancy.Still. No boys, Erin.
>I didn’t think that Juno sent a casual message at all. She missed the prom, got made fun of, blah blah blah – things that ARE a big deal to a teenager.But I thought the other message, the one to parents, that was basically “yes, this sucks, and it hurts, and it’s painful – but you have to deal with it” was one that needed to be said.I want my kids to know they can come to me, to talk to me. When I got pregnant at 19, I remember many of my friends saying “Oh my God, how are you going to tell your parents!?!? Mine would KILL me!” and I thought that was so ridiculous.With all the things I was worried about, going to my parents was the least of my concerns. I knew they would be disappointed, but I also knew that they would still love me and support me. No matter what.
>I do worry…I think any responsible person does. My situation complicates my worry a bit. I got pregnant at 17. (I HATE the term “knocked up”). It was hard, financially. Our parents helped us, a lot, financially. But, as far as our relationship, and our parenting, it was not hard. We were lucky, we did great. We’ve been married 24 years, our son is working on his PHD at 23. He’s married, has a son, is very successful, very close to us, and very happy. Our other children are wonderful too. So, it’s hard. It’s not always the rosy scenario they get from Hollywood, but it’s also not always a horror story either. I know that makes people uncomfortable. I think people would rather see everything end up horrible all the time so they can say “see, that’s what you get, it’s the worse thing in the world.” I think, as in all of life, how teen pregnancy ends up depends on the individuals involved and the support systems they have. That’s the truth I tell my kids, while STRESSING to them that although I wouldn’t choose my path for them, and it’s a hard path that doesn’t work out like this for a lot of people, I don’t regret any of the choices we’ve made, because then we wouldn’t have the wonderful family that we are blessed with.
>Our conversations have been different, because our family was built through adoption. Although I don’t want my kids to ever forget the sacrifice their birthmom made, I certainly don’t want to saddle them with the guilt that their presence in our family was due to something so “traumatic”, most folks entirely dismiss the idea offhand.So, we have a fine balancing act. Mostly, My wife and I tell them as often as I can what our expectations are, but all we can do is pray they remember them in the heat of the moment. What else can you do?And certainly, adoption, no matter how traumatic, is a viable option in our family.
>I think that even as girls see their friends having babies, there is still this romantic notion – a notion that all new moms have, I think – that there will be 9 months of carefree pregnancy followed by sepia-toned afternoons and babies that sleep all night.My 15 year old niece became pregnant – a little of “it won’t happen to me”, a little “I don’t care if it does” , a little “someone else will be there to take care of both of us”, a little romantic notion that this is the way to keep a boyfriend in your life, and a whole lot of not getting enough love and attention and empathy when she was growing up. If you have no one to love you or need you, you make one.Now, that’s not all she was thinking – or aware that she was thinking – but it’s a complex problem with no easy answer. Of course.I think one answer is to listen to teens’ other life goals, take them seriously – even if that goal is “be a rockstar” or “get on Americal Idol”, and then outline what it’s going to take to get there. Support them in living their goals and dreams every day. The more that they are invested in their own future – and understanding how a baby can derail that – the more chance there is that they might possibly pause in the heat of the moment and possibly get a glimpse of their dreams going up in the hot flames of a momentary orgasm.
>This is unfortunately an issue that will continue to escalate and we will continue to debate until the end of time. I agree with Cindy that having a strong male role model makes a huge difference with daughters. But what about the parents of sons? I have a friend who has a 16 year old son, and a 14 year old daughter. The scary thing is, they have a huge double standard when it comes to their children. They buy condoms for their son, because the girls at his school “throw themselves at him” and “it’s better than if he were drinking or doing drugs”, and “if he gets someone pregnant, they’ll just get an abortion” (as it THAT were up to him). They say their daughter doesn’t know that her brother is sleeping around, but I know they’re in denial.
>My mom always said that the best birth control she ever gave me was my 3 little brothers ( The youngest was born when I was 13). I had absolutely NO ILLUSIONS about what it took to take care of a baby- I started changing diapers at 5! Your stepdaughters have a lot better idea about what goes into taking care of a baby than you realize, because they seeyou do it!
>ROTFL… you just reminded me of a similar conversation I had with my 17 year old! Only she didn’t ask about the whole ‘giving it up’ thing because dude, she KNOWS that our family LOVES babies and I’d have 2 more in a heartbeat if only my husband would acquiesce. But what was funny was that in the “what would you do if I got pregnant?” conversation I said;”Well… first, I’d leave the room and throw up…. and then…”And she was like; “You would!? WHY?”LOL.PS: I loved the movie Juno. 🙂
>I’m sure I’m in the minority here, but I would advise my teenager to have an abortion. Not a single one of the teen mothers I know are doing a very good job with their kids and I am currently raising girls whose mother–pregnant with her first at 17–left them when she turned 30 because she felt like her two beautiful girls kept her from ‘ever getting to have any fun’. The scars these girls bear from that are far worse than the scars a teen abortion would give most people.And if an abortion is a scaring event, it is the mother who bears the brunt of it, not the innocent child.(I know the whole fetus is baby debate. A baby is a baby, a tiny fetus is just a bunch of cells.)
>You are all sort of proving a point raised in the USA Today article, which was that you can’t boil attitudes among American teens about pregnancy down to one sentence- because we come from so many cultures, ethnicities, backgrounds, neighborhoods, etc. Much of our POV is dependent on our life experience and how we were raised. Some of you said you thought Juno portrayed pregnancy realistically for teenagers, and I would have agreed with you until I talked to my stepdaughter the other night and saw a new jaded-ness that I know was a direct result of Juno (the movie has come up a lot around here). We’ve talked about pregnancy fairly often, and this was new. And I know her. So suddenly, I’m in the position of saying, “Yes, Juno may have a negative impact on how teen girls view pregnancy.” Because I just saw it happen…
>I have not seen Juno. However, we did have a teen pregnancy in our extended family when my daughter was 6. It is NOT a good situation, Mom and Dad are both immature and in and out of each others life. The baby is shuffled from one place to another.In fear of offending anyone, I did not initially say much to my daughter, we treated the new baby like any other in the family (and still do). It was all showers, gifts and fun as far as she was concerned.She asked many ??? about why the babys mom and dad did not live together etc.. and we did the best we could to explain.Then she dropped the bombshell!!! Another teenage relative came to visit and introduced us to his new GF for the first time. My daughter looked right up at him and after she asked him if he and his GF went to the same school…..she looked right at them both and asked where their baby was.It was the first time that I realized in my effort to “not offend anyone”. I let a 6 year old girl think that teen pregnancy was OK. It took alot of talking after that, but I got the message across to her. It was hard because now a days it seems like “having kids together” has replaced marriage and stability
>I’m sure someone has already said it here, but not all STD’s are “curable.” Your teens are so lucky to have you to talk about all this stuff with. Teenage pregnancy is hard for all involved no matter what decisions are made. A lifetime of hard. I can say that with authority because I am the product of a teen marriage. I am so glad I don’t have to worry about this for a good long while. My young daughter’s main concern, upon learning how babies get out of the mommy is, “WHAT IF THE BABY GETS PEE ON IT?”
>Did you hear the report today that 1 in 4 teenage girls has a STD? I think I’m going to recover from the heart attack that gave me, then lock my daughter in her room…maybe forever. 1 in 4?????? That’s insane. I hope everyone gets their child vaccinated with Gardisil. I know it has it’s foes, but with statistics like these, how do you not do everything you can to prevent your daughter getting cancer?
>On that note: Today they reported that 1/4 teenage girls has an STD! What in the world?
>First, I wanted to thank you for stopping by my blog. When I saw your comment, I couldn’t help but ~blush~ a bit…it was like having royalty visit or something. Truly. Secondly, this issue is a hot button one for me. I had a large circle of friends who were “good girls” in high school. And every single one of them, other than me, had an abortion.As a mom, I think about how I might approach this with my daughter all the time. My girlfriends suffered from their choice…and most of them made this choice because they couldn’t face their parents. So, I don’t want to be harsh and put my kid in this sort of corner…but I don’t want to be accepting of teen pregnancy either. Oh, it is a rough issue to struggle with, yes. So, I’ll just see what all of you people with older children do, and copy you. Heh.
>Haven’t seen Juno. Have seen nephew with practically no mother and major issues (with more to come) because she had him at 16. Commitment isn’t about whether you decide to “keep it” or “have it” or whatever else people say about “it” when you have a baby. It’s whether you stick around as a good, responsible, mature, committed parent for the rest of your life until the day you die. Terrifying stuff. Thanks for reminding me! Can I go back to my wine now?
>In college I wrote a speech about the reasons to use a condom… when my sister in law (now a junior at UCSB) went to college, I gave her that speech. She said I should have read it to all of her friends when they were in junior high! Scary. But she did say she appreciated the pictures of the genital warts and the terrifying stories of women who had to have surgical procedures to fight off cancer. She swears she will ALWAYS use a condom. 🙂
>As a mother who relinquished her firstborn, the blase attitude presented with Juno is exactly why I’m so unnerved about conversations like the one you just had with 17. Placing a child for adoption is emotionally devastating. It’s not something that you eventually get over. It is forever part of your reality. Future experiences, such as the births of future children, only bring other issues back to the surface.That said, I recently heard that Jamie Lynn Spears is only allowed to see her boyfriend-slash-baby’s-daddy on a limited basis. What’s going to happen? It’s not like she can GET PREGNANT! Sorry, it did made me chuckle.And moving on to your final question: should my boys impregnate a girl (ugh!), I will move Heaven and Earth to support them so the baby can stay, somehow, in family. I didn’t have that support. I will offer it without question. With anger and frustration at times, I’m sure. But I love my kids unconditionally. And yeah, they’d be grounded. 😉
>I’m totally positive that we would keep any child born to any of our kids. I just can’t imagine some Ferrier running around with a different crew, you know? But I don’t even want to think about that happening! Yeeeegh.
>Juno was only semi-realistic but I don’t hold it accountable to the generalization of how all teens will “see” teen pregnancy. It is a MOVIE – for entertainment purposes, not a documentary. My 14 and 17 yo’s understand the difference between television/movies and real life. I’m sure your’s do, too. Back in the day the answer was for Daddy to hold a shot-gun wedding for the 16-18 year old girl. Then and now…teen pregnancy does happen. It has always been a fact of life.I do think we have to fully arm them with proper and COMPLETE (not just abstinence only mantras) information on how to respect themselves and their bodies and how to make appropriate choices regarding both.
>Re: the idea that it’s “Just a movie.”I hate this argument.If a movie negatively portrayed another minority or niche group of people, the world would be up in arms. But since we’re just making fun of birth mothers, sinners who should have kept their legs closed in the first place, the world seems to be okay with it.It’s very disheartening. “It’s just a movie.” Yeah, well, it’s just a movie with a bunch of lies similar to what agencies are telling young girls. WHERE are they supposed to get their information if NO ONE wants to be honest with them?Sigh.
>This is where you take 17 to planned parenthood and have a trained professional talk with her about the reality of sex as a young adult/teen. And while you’re there, you get her on the pill. :)Seriously, the conversation is really tough. But she and her friends are talking about it (and she is probably grossly mis-informed as most teens are). So when she is no longer in the company of friends, have a serious chat with her. She’s opened the door and now you need to walk through it and give real answers to the sex questions.
>First, I haven’t seen Juno and don’t intend to. This is a topic that I strongly believe needs to be discussed with kids early and often. My son is now almost 17, but when he was younger, like 12 and 13, we had many conversations about life altering experiences, such as unintended pregnancy, dying of AIDS, or driving impaired and injuring someone. We talked often about making wise choices and taking care of himself and others.And now, I buy him condoms. I just leave them on his bed with no comment. Every now and then, another box gets left on the bed. If I had a daughter, I would do the same. Too many STDs cannot be cured to just put a daughter on the pill. Also, if I had a daughter, I would be buying her the morning-after-pill and leaving them along with the condoms.Best of luck with this — I think we just do the best we can.
>Back in college I got pregnant and had an abortion. Broken condom, and The Sponge (y’all remember The Sponge?) failed to be an adequate back-up. Afterwards, I went on The Pill and still used condoms.While I don’t feel the abortion scarred me, I do feel it changed me. I would not be the responsible person I am now if I hadn’t made that responsible choice then. I knew I was not ready to be a parent. I also knew that if I carried the pregnancy to term, I would not give the child up for adoption. I regret getting pregnant then, but I don’t regret having that abortion.And I will tell my son about it when he’s older – he needs to know that condoms are absolutely obligatory, but they can fail sometimes and he’s got to be prepared for that.
>I think there are several issues here…Teen SexualityWe are uncomfortable at the notion that our children are developing as sexual beings. It’s about as icky to us as the idea of their parents having sex is to them.I have every intention of being completely honest with my children, encouraging them to explore their sexuality in age appropriate ways; which for me includes buying my daughter a vibrator when she’s ready, making porn and erotica available to our teens, and having condoms and birth control perscriptions available with no questions asked.Sure, I’d prefer it if my kid waited until college to begin having intercourse, but statistically that’s just not likely. So, instead, I want them to know everything they need to know about safe sex (from infection rates, how diseases spread, and how to properly put on a condom) instead of them fumbling around like morons in the backseat of a car without a condom.Will I allow my children to have their SO’s over with the door shut? Once they’re in high school, yes, I would.Teen PregnancyTeen pregnancy rates are actually lower for the first time in around 20 years. I’m betting that has to do with safe sex and not less teen sex.I would have a very long and detailed discussion with my kids about the implications of being a teen parents. And when they don’t listen to me, I’ll send them to my friend Jen, who had her daughter when she was 16, and they’ll get an earful about hwo much it sucks to have to go to school, work a full time job, and then come home and watch your kid–and NOT get anything new for yourself for YEARS. Not to mention how much harder college was, and how she never got to travel until she was over 30.I might have a radical take on this, but I say it as a teacher, a sex educator, and someone who explored her sexuality in less than safe ways, and was lucky to have gotten out alive and STD/STI free.
>I had this talk with my 15 year-old daughter, who loved the movie. She is pretty set against pre-marital sex at this point (and thankfully, so is her boyfriend), but she’s only 15, so I know that could easily change. As for the pregnancy thing, she watched me go through an unplanned pregnancy when she was 10 years old, so I’m hoping that was a little bit of a reality check for her. She asked if I would throw her out of the house if she got pregnant, because apparently that happened to a girl she knew at school. I said of course not. I would probably be angry, disppointed and a whole host of other things, but I would never leave you to fend for yourself. I hope the message was the right balance between It’s definitely a bad idea/but we would never abandon you.My mother and I had two discussions about sex in my life. The first one was when I was 8 or 9, and we read a book about how babies are made. The second one was when I was about 14 or 15, and it consisted of my mother saying “If you ever come home pregnant, you’re out of this house.”Gee mom…I love you too. I really hope I’m doing a better job than that.
>Teenage girl reporting for opinion, ma’am! *salute*Okay, I’d like to say that films, celebrities and popular culture don’t have a major impact on teenage girls. That we, as a group, are mature, intelligent and rational enough to distinguish fantasy from reality, Hollywood from Realism, USA. But I would be lying.Yes my friends and I were and are independant, intelligent young women. We were active within our school, we were practical and we kept a level head through all the unnecessary drama of high school life. However we were a minority group, the nerdy, geeky chicks and the school freaks. The majority of girls?A. Stradled their boyfriends in order to better swap spit in the hallways.B. Wore skirts that were essentially belts with hemlines.C. Got pregnant. Frequently.My older sister had a system for spotting girls who had a bun in the oven. I think it was a game she played at lunch.Unfortunately most girls I was going to school with had no problem with promiscuous and unprotected sex. The difference between those girls and us? We had an honest, open dialogue with our parents. We paid attention during sex ed. We memorized which STDs were incurable. We participated in fundraising for the AIDS pandemic. If you encourage your daughters to stay informed and don’t beat around the bush about the consequences of a sexually active life, they’ll probably be okay.Trust me. I’m one of them.
>I’d just like to say that I had an abortion the summer after I graduated high school, and now as a college senior, I don’t regret the decision at all. I’m graduating college in may and going on to grad school, and I can’t imagine what my life would’ve been like had I made the decision to keep the baby. The father was an asshole who is currently going nowhere with his life, and I would’ve been tied to him forever. I wouldn’t have been able to focus on my own education and goals as easily as I was able to, if at all. I would’ve forced my parents to nearly fully support myself and my baby. I know this is controversial to say, but I think abortion is the best option for someone who is really young. Yes, it is possible to make it work… but I know for me, ‘possible’ and ‘what is best’ aren’t the same.
>juno i think is out there to try and show people that girls that have choosen to keep the child and then give it up after birth should have some respect. However you failed to mention the bigger problems in the media that has a bigger affect on teens… for one there is music that has a lot of degrading pharses in them that make sexual actions seem like the norm also soups on tv show many girls sexually active without getting pregnant or a std. Also i think a bigger problem is stds i mean its like 1 in 4 people that get them now also guys have the idea that girls want sexual advances due to music and tv. there was a study done in the us with college guys and 70% said if they knew they won’t get caught they would rape/take advantage of a girl. Its scary 1 in 3 girls/women will be raped in their life. Juno is the lest of your worries and when i have a child i will make sure that stds are talked about the most cause i want my daughter to have the option of child when that time in her life comes!