>The Green Thing
>“Are you sure you don’t mind watching the kids?” I asked a bleary eyed Hubs last night after dinner.
“You have to go write,” he answered dully. “This is the only night this week we can do this. Go.” He waved his hand weakly in the air. “Go.”
I ran upstairs, brushed my hair and put on some lip-gloss. When I came back down to the kitchen, Bruiser was rooting through our food pantry… the food pantry that was supposed to be off-limits to one-year-olds, particularly one-year-olds who put every single stinking thing they find on the ground into their mouths.
“Bruiser!” I said sharply from the other side of the kitchen gate. “Get out of there!” He looked at me and grinned a bright green grin. “What the hell?!” I said. “Hubs? What has he been eating?!”
“Huh?” he asked. I climbed over the gate and grabbed Bruiser, quickly running a well-practiced finger through his mouth. Along with his lips, his tongue and teeth were also bright green. And his mouth was empty.
“He’s eaten it!” I said. “Whatever it is, he’s eaten it. I can’t believe this!” I muttered, standing. “I leave him with you for one minute…”
“Look, I’ve been watching him,” Hubs said. “Whatever he ate, it happened while we were all in here eating dinner.”
“Oh no,” I laughed incredulously. “Uh uh. Because I was watching him while we ate dinner and I would have noticed if he’d put something in his mouth.” I sniffed Bruiser’s face. “Well, it doesn’t smell like Pine-Sol,” I announced. “So I guess we can rule that out.” Hubs and I shuffled around our kitchen and hunted through the pantry, looking for stray green… things. I held up a plastic tree left over from Punky’s birthday cake.
“These!” I said. “The dye comes right off them when they get wet!”
“Oh come on,” Hubs said. “He didn’t eat a plastic tree.”
“Well, they do all appear to still be here,” I said dubiously after inspecting a small pile of plastic trees on the kitchen counter.
“It was probably an M&M.”
“Maybe,” I said. “Or maybe it was that green cough syrup we have. Wal-Tussin!” I was starting to get shrill.
“That’s upstairs,” Hubs said. “That’s not even down here.”
“I’m just saying.”
“It may have been one of those candy coated sunflower seeds,” Hubs offered.
“Or it may have been one of those leaves on our peace plant,” I shrieked. “That thing’s toxic, you know! I read about it!”
“And that’s why he’s never been in the sunroom,” Hubs replied. “He’s going to be fine, okay? Will you go?”
“Check the prescription medication!” I squealed. “Doesn’t one of these things have green pills?” I said, rummaging through a few bottles we had on the kitchen counter. No green pills here. I thought for a minute.
“Soylent green…” I muttered. “You realize that it’s people, right?” I shot Hubs an angry glare. “People!”
“He did not. Eat. Soylent. Green.” Hubs sighed. “He’s going to be fine, okay? Go write.”
And that’s what I did, with many a backward glance at Bruiser as I left. He did seem to be okay, stumbling merrily across the kitchen with a plastic water bottle in one hand and Hubs’s cell phone in the other. But I couldn’t stop thinking about my poor, green-faced baby as I sat at Starbucks. How was I supposed to write when my son was sitting at home with a mystery item in his digestive tract? What could I possibly, possibly write about?
>We were about to go on vacation and while raiding the pantry for items to take, our 1 year old daughter decided to snack on the green mouse bait brick that was on the pantry floor – waaaay back in the corner and long since forgotten. When we figured it out we of course FREAKED OUT but had the sense to call poison control before 911. They didn’t outright laugh at us, but calmly told us that since our baby far outweighed even the largest mouse, she would have to have eaten several whole bricks to even get queasy. Just sayin’, check those back corners for any stray pest control items…
>You are the best! I do love how you find such great material in “nothing” which is really about everything! This is exactly why it takes two parents to raise children past this stage. I am actually a fan of four parents (as in happier second marriages) since it takes a lot of eyes! I am sure he was alive and well when you got home or there would be a drastically different post today. What was it? Some kind of colored sugar?
>At least it was green going in. We’ve had green coming out for the past 3 weeks.
>I hope you think of something soon.Now, excuse me. My daughter has eaten something that looks like cat vomit.
>God, I have the world’s best commenters. You guys crack me up! I write this stuff just to laugh at your comments!I think it was probably candy, since 1) he’s still alive and well, and 2) the kitchen Easter candy basket has been rooted through by various family members on a regular basis and it contains all sorts of green small candies, M&Ms included.But I haven’t entirely ruled out Soylent Green….
>green jello?Do you keep any in your pantry? That’d dissolve nicelly if he were to eat it and make for one super-green smile.
>Kool Aid, or food coloring, or those nasty dog chews that are green (greenies)! GOOD GOD this house is DANGEROUS!! I need to get cracking, more baby gates, more locks that I can’t open, no processed foods. Hell, who am I fooling? He’s 4 on Sunday he’ll be through all those “safety” features before I can figure out how to open the gate!! I guess no matter what we’re screwed with BOYS. I mean we spent about 6 months here HIDING the dog food because he thought it was a food group. He’s fine of course, except for that chasing his tail and scratching his ass thing.
>This is my life! My daughter will not put food in her mouth…but give her a non-edible item, down the hatch it goes. What gives?
>He was obviously french kissing an alien.
>My 17-month old enjoys partaking in the occasional snack of baking soda from our pantry which, like yours, is also off-limits. The first time I saw his little pouty lips coated in the white powder, I was sure he had found some hidden anthrax stashed in the cabinet, left over from the previous homeowners. At least his mouth is fresh and odor-free.http://untitledhaskellproject.blogspot.com
>It sounds as though your Hubs definition of “watching the kids” is about the same as my Homer’s. It usually means he’s sitting on the couch with his laptop warming his crotch as Doodle (13 mo.) explores the cat litter and Boo (4 years) switches the channel from Discovery to CSI. Sigh. I’m with you, sister.
>And you’ll have something else to write about in the next day or two if in fact it was an object he ingested ;)My son had a thing for the peppermint foot lotion we used to have. The first time he came down the hallway smacking his lips smelling like a candy cane in the middle of summer I freaked and called poison control. They chuckled and assured me it was non-toxic. We couldn’t find a good enough hiding place after that. He thought that stuff rocked. Eventually we had to throw it away. My feet have never been the same.
>This happened to our girl at Grandma’s house. Turned out to be Shrek Cheetos that turn green when you eat them. Who knew?
>What’s really bad is when your friend brings their child over and the child is a 3rd generation vegetarian and your child teaches him to eat dog food…..Yikes!
>I have many, many storis along this line. I once discovered my 9 month old took his nap with a leaf in his mouth.
>I am glad that Bruiser is fine…but that is my husband’s brand of parenting…”whaaa….I was watching them”….as we are trying to figure out what the twins just ate. My oldest use to sit at the dog food bowl and snack on it…she even use to try to get to the bag of food in the panty…apparently that is some tasty stuff..
>You know, whenever I get stuck, I just try to shut up, open my eyes, pay attention…and make whatever I see worth writing about. Good call ; )
>Your husband sounds a lot like mine. He is always “watching” them when all of the accidents happen.
>My second born spawn was an “eater” I had the number for poison control memorized. He ate: dog food,cat litter,a dead spider( I got that out before he swallowed it) a dime( you don’t want to know how ya have to get that one out!) And he and his brother found a bottle of baby robitussin at Granny’s house and chugged it. Plus numrous other tasties which he would find and pop in his wee mouth. I never thought he would make it to one year old let alone the big 10 he is now.
>At least it wasn’t poo this time…
>So, being that it is now friday…any insight to the mystery green stuff?Reminds me of when my Bubbalu tried to eat my jewelry. GAH.Don’t want no diaper bling.
>Sounds like someone needs to babyproof. We have enough attractive choices (prezels, cereal, goldfish) and harmless objects (canned food) on our bottom pantry. Our guy hits that rather than the poison pit under the sink.
>You don’t happen to be missing a little green parakeet, do you?
>Dear lord. DH needs a smack upside the head.
>OH MY GOODNESS! What WAS it!! You’re leaving me hanging here!!By the way…I love your blog. I was a loyal reading back when I blogged from Mamaritaville…now I’m back in the blogging world after having my 3rd baby, and just HAD to come back and visit you again!
>I still don’t know! Nothing odd has appeared in his poop and he hasn’t been acting strangely, so it may remain a mystery…
>Soylent green. Ha! For some reason, my husband and I were discussing that very subject last week.So glad my kids know better than to eat off the floor…or at least know bette rnot to eat off the floor when I’m around.Now, my husband? He’s got like a 10 minute rule.He races the dogs for items dropped and will try to cook with said ________(insert: slice of bacon, chunk of cheese, sprig of basil), hair and all. Gah!