Restoration Hardware Called and Wants Its Reclaimed Upcycled Meat Hook Back.
Yesterday, a new catalog arrived in the mail. It’s from a place called AWE, which bills itself as A Unique Place For Rustic & Recycled Home Decor (the capitals are supposed to Make It Official, I guess).
Some might see this catalog as just another piece of junk mail, but I? I viewed it as a challenge. Because AWE is a pretty bold word to put on the front of a Rustic & Recycled Home Decor catalog. Could the stuff this place is selling really be AWE-inspiring? Or just plain AWEful?
Judge for yourself:
No, money can’t buy happiness, but it CAN buy this ‘incredibly heavy’ $199 antique wooden pulley wheel at AWE, which is basically the next best thing!
It’s not often that you see animals wearing protective cones in the wild— and that’s exactly what makes these $199 ceramic deer deer so AWEsome. You can bet these bucks won’t be chomping off any stitches! Now let’s eat!
Handcrafted from paint stirrers, Jenga pieces, and midnight Home Depot dumpster diving, this $259 recycled wood Christmas tree will look right at home in any squatter’s hipster’s abandoned factory repurposed living space! For an additional fee, AWE will even ‘flock’ the tree with vintage bird shit from Costa Rica! Happy holidays, indeed!
Just when you’d given up all hope of finding a handstitched throw pillow featuring a cheetah dressed in a coat and tie and wearing an eyepatch, along comes AWE.
AWWWWWE, look! A $295 industrial floor lamp! It’s perfect for that condemned mineshaft you’re converting into a two-bedroom apartment!
AWE your houseguests by propping their bedroom door open with this $79 antique hand grenade, cleverly codenamed ‘stone anchor with iron ring‘ for those who have an inexplicable aversion to explosive weaponry.
You NEED this hAWEt $349 small wood and metal leaning shelving unit — Its bottom shelf is the perfect spot to display your custom made caveman’s club, painstakingly handcrafted from reclaimed petrified wooly mammoth dung.
Once you have your own Metal Faux Birch Tree Coat Rack with branches that cleverly spell out the word ‘hiney’, no AWE-ther coat rack will do!
No one will guess you paid $599 at AWE for this ‘bestselling’ wire console!
But they might guess that you paid $99 for it at Walmart…
Clearly, AWE still has a way to go before it reaches the full-on catalogreatness of, say, Restoration Hardware– but I see epic potential here, people.
Consider me AWEstruck.
Hysterical
hahaha oh Lindsey you made my evening with an out loud series of guffawes !!
oops Lindsay
Those cone-of-shame-wearing deer are everything. Made my day.
Okay the coat rack I could actually see, like in a cabin or something. But I could NOT see myself shelling out a hundred bucks for it. I’ll chop down some aspens and make one myself.
Hiney. Bwahahahaa. Love it.
My family actually purchased the antique pulley wheel to use as a grave marker for my dear great-grandpappy, Jubilation S. Robinowitz. Why, he gave his life to that merciless rock quarry, and he was just one rotation of that old wooden pulley away from retirement. He never saw the beaver that chewed that rope nearly in two, and we can only hope he never saw the stone that crushed the artery in his large, bunioned toe causing him to bleed out before the first responder wagon could ferry him to the hospital. *Pauses for a moment of reflection.