Gwyneth Paltrow Thinks We Need a $16,000 Handbag for Our Workouts and Now I Can’t Go to the Gym

It’s the time of year when most of us feel soul-shattering regret over our ‘choices’ during the holiday season, and we resolve to grit it out and Get In Shape. For many of us, this means spending an obscene amount of money on expensive workout gear — because it makes sense to assume a flashy pair of overpriced yoga pants will distract everyone from noticing the muffin top that overflows them, right?

But while most of us spent the last month stuffing our faces with stale rum cake from TJ Maxx, one person was noticeably absent from the festivities: Gwyneth Paltrow. I imagine she spent the holidays holed up in some sleek steel oceanview abode, sipping from a warm bowl of steam and cackling in anticipation of the arrival of JANUARY.

Turns out, I was right.

The moment east coast Apple watches flashed 2019, GwynNie Nie appeared on the Goop website looking glowy and svelte in what could only be described as a workout onesie whilst a bald man stares at her ass like ‘whoa.’  Showing up is half the battle, crowed the caption beneath this glorious image. And “battle” is the operative term here. If we’re equating [insert any culty workout from list below] to combat, well, you’ll need to gear up.

In other words, don’t even pretend you want to work out unless you’re willing to shell out the necessary Benjamins for appropriate attire. And now that you’ve begun the downward spiral into a state of panic (‘You’re saying my Old Navy yoga pants aren’t enough?’), take a deep, centering breath — Goop wants to help! They’ve curated looks for pretty much every Instagram-approved form of exercise out there, and as long as you have an Amex Black Card, you’re totally good to go.

 

 

Have you been thinking about trying that Jazzercise class at the United Methodist church down the street? You’ll have The Gwyninators’s seal of approval in this puff-sleeve leotard, block leggings, and $200 Keds. Regarding the leotard, Goop urges you to ‘Note the airy back detail.’ It’s a classy way of saying you’ll be singing the Thong Song in this particular ensemble, girls, so make sure your butt cheeks are up to par.

Top off the look with a $1,600 sweater (because January = COLD and everyone knows $1,600 yarn is the warmest), $750 earrings, and, the pièce de résistance: A BIRKIN BAG.

A $16,000 BIRKIN BAG.

And now I’m just… I can’t… I mean… What?

IS THIS WHY I’VE NEVER REACHED MY #FITNESSGOALS?!

I’m trying to wrap my head around exactly how I’d actually incorporate this bag into my workout. I guess I’d put a water bottle and a sweat rag and my AirPods in my workout Birkin and then I’d have to find a locker for it, because I’m pretty sure nobody puts Birkin in a corner. But this leads to another problem — If Gwyneth ever shows up at my gym, she needs to see me actually carrying my workout Birkin so that she knows to come stand next to me. And since everyone knows a purse on the floor is money out the door, the only solution would be to do the dance class holding the Birkin, which means I should probably pack it with a few light weights for resistance.

Mkay. That’s not weird at all.

 

Clearly, unless you can solve the Birkin dilemma, dance class is out. The Tracy Anderson workout seems a little more reasonable by comparison, mostly because the Chanel bag it requires is only $4,000, a great deal compared to the workout Birkin, AND it has a shoulder strap which makes it a whole hell of a lot easier to wear while doing squats. I’m also liking the crazy-ass water bottle, because I’ve always thought water would probably taste so much better if it had a big old rock in it.

 

You should know the creator of this bottle had a ‘prophetic dream’ that showed her how to ‘infuse water with the power of crystals.’ I kid you not. My mind is officially blown.

 

The thrifty among you will probably want to opt for Hot Yoga, which requires only Gwyn Gwyn’s used workout onesie, a sweater belonging to some guy named Joseph, and $750 Birkenstock knockoffs. Best of all, the Cunnilingus Goop Bag will set you back just $900 — It’s a workout bag bargain!

 

By the time they got to rowing class, you can tell Goop was sort of over this whole workout gear article. The bag here is only $380, the sunglasses are necessary for rowing class, I suppose, so that people will think you’ve perhaps been cast for the upcoming Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, and while I personally can’t come up with a reason to apply $250 Sturm Serum while on a rowing machine, maybe there is indeed a purpose. I don’t know. I’ve never tried it. I WON’T JUDGE.

I do have to say I’m pretty impressed that Goop described the seams of these yoga leggings as ‘particularly clutch.’ It’s so crazy, because every time I put on a really good pair of leggings, I look at myself for a while in the mirror and think, ‘Goldarn, my seams are particularly clutch!’ So now I feel like I’ve found a kindred spirit.

What I haven’t found yet is a winning lottery ticket. Or a wealthy benefactor. Or a $35 black velvet painting  at a garage sale that I flip for $3.5 million at auction. I’m starting a workout Birkin GoFundMe today, though, and the moment I can raise $16,000, I AM TOTALLY GOING TO THE GYM.

Thanks for the motivation, Gwyneth!

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