>Me Time
>If there’s one thing we’re encouraged to do as moms, it’s to take some “me time.”
Do a search for mom and “me time,” and you’ll get 2,500,000 results. Seriously.
Now that’s a lot of Me Time.
The “Me Time” topic is a staple of women’s magazines and TV channels and websites. Get a manicure! they all tell us. Go on a spa retreat! Get a massage! Have a Girls Night Out! Read a good book! Go shopping! Give yourself a facial! Get your hair did! Go see a matinee, all by yourself!
Of course! Because it’s all about me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Meeeeeeeeeeee!
Consequently, “Me Time” is a really common topic among middle class moms. We use it to justify all kinds of things, from the mornings when we drive our kids to school and then go back to bed for four hours, to the night we stay out with our girlfriends until 2am. “I just needed some ‘Me Time,'” we’ll sigh to our friends, patting our hair as all the other moms murmur in agreement.
Personally, I have nothing against “Me Time.” I try to do something just for “Me” about once a month, whether it’s dinner with friends or a haircut or a solo shopping trip. But a lot of experts would tell me that’s not enough. I can’t be a good mom, they claim, unless I take more “Me time!” I need to meditate more! Take more bubble baths! Have coffee and read magazines more often at Starbucks!
I beg to differ.
Sure, it would be nice to have more time to myself that’s not spent working or cleaning house, time to finish a book in under six months, time to watch some of the shows on TV that I hear people talking about, time to do a crossword, time to go shopping for something I’ve been wanting.
But the thing is, that time will come all too soon.
Right now my children want every second of my time that I can give them. They want me to play with them, read to them, dress them, feed them, bathe them, talk to them, sing with them, run with them, nap with them… They want me around 24/7.
I’m lucky enough to know from experience as a stepmom that as each year goes by, I’ll have a little more “me time.” Each year, my children will need me a little less.
Eventually, they won’t need me at all, and I’ll be left with about all the “me time” I can stand.
I don’t think I’ll look back at that point and wish I’d spent more time doing things for myself when my children were small. I won’t wish I’d gotten more manicures or figured out Sudoku sooner.
But I’m betting I will wish I’d had even more time to spend with my kids.
So you know what, Experts?
The “Me Time” can wait. I want to give my children every spare second I can possibly muster- for as long as they want me around.
>Oh! I couldn’t agree with you more!
>Hi..have just started reading your blog , and enjoy it very much. My daughters are in college now, and I miss them very much. I wish I had taken more photos, more videos, and spent more time with them while they were teenagers. I DON’T miss the endless driving to lessons, etc. Nor the “helping out” at school, gift wrap sales, and stupid school policies. And I must say it was great once both daughters could drive themselves everywhere!
>amen sister!my kids are now 5 and 6, at school most of the day, and much more independent than a year or two ago. I get plenty of ME time and it is refreshing but by the time that school bell rings I am so ready to see my babes! They are my world!
>YEP – I agree. Too much me time leads to the desperation of Mommy guilt – And I know enough kids that don’t WANT to be around their parents. How lucky/blessed/fantastic is it that mine think I’m the bomb?!
>Well put as always. Cherish the moments you have today because they might not be available tomorrow. = )
>[ delurks ]:::stands up, applauds:::It’s very quiet in a house when the kid has grown up and moved away…[ relurks ]
>I agree. (And I’m a dad so maybe dad time?) I think all parents face the looming future when the kids have all spread their wings and flown on their own.
>I can’t agree more! I have a 15 month old son and I work away from home during the day. After being gone most of the day, I can’t bring myself to spend even more time away in the evening or on the weekend in order to get my ‘me time’. I often work in my ‘me time’ into the simple everyday – life activites. Grocery Shopping! House Cleaning! Laundry! WoooHoo!
>I totally agree! When I think back to our mothers growing up, I doubt any of them were encouraged to have more “me time”. Who’s to blame for that damn phrase anyway?
>I get plenty of “me” time! As in, Momeeeeeee
>I have one day a week to myself…i use it to clean house and do laundry. I don’t have to do it that day, but i choose to do it that day,sans interruption! Of course my youngest child is almost 38 and still lives at home( he is mentally disabled )
>May I beg to differ with you (and apparently every other commenter so far) without being ostracized? I did always make ‘me’ time. It was good for ME and my friends, my marriage, and for my kids. I was a SAHM for many years (my kids are older now, late teens/early twenties), and I like to think that I did well by them by not ‘being there’ constantly. Oh, of course I was for the first years, with breaks from grandparents and such, but, you know, I’ve never thought that being That Mom, All The Time, was the way to go. I think that one of the primary purposes of our ‘job’ as mothers is to give them the freedom and space and allowances to figure stuff out on their own. No, I did not ‘hover,’ even as I did Scouts and hot lunch and Arts in the Classroom and library reader. But did I know what was going on with them and their friends? Hell, yeah. I still do. My kids bring their friends home (there are five teenage boys downstairs right now, it’s President’s Day), and while they do their own laundry and stuff, do they not need me anymore? Oh, no, they still do. (This thought got a little off-track, but I hope you know what I mean.) I have enjoyed every stage of those kids’ development, and revel in it all. See, here’s one thing that always bothered me about the so-called ‘mommyblogs’: that SO MANY women identify themselves by their children. Look at the names of their blogs! X’s Mommy! Mommy of X! MamaX! MommyMommyMommy! I KNOW it’s the most important part of your life! It was for me too! But it’s not the ONLY part! You had an identity before you had children, and you will have it AGAIN one day. Yeah, that time does go by quickly, and you’re absolutely right to cherish these times; I know I did. But don’t lose YOURSELF in it. I’ve seen it happen more than once, and the moms don’t know what to do after it’s over; they are bereft. I think I’m done for now. Yeah, I’ll be anonymous for this one.
>here bloody here
>Anonymous, I guess I think hovering between the two extremes is the best way to go. It wasn’t so long ago that once a woman became a mom, that was ALL she was, period. Today, a mother who’s “only” a mom is frowned upon and constantly defending herself. I feel like I’m always being admonished by others to not lose my identity, to take “me time,” to think of myself, etc. I think some of us are taking this well-meaning advice a bit too far and putting our own happiness/fulfillment over that of our kids on a regular basis. I feel the temptation to do that all the time and I feel that society backs me up in it, at least until something goes wrong with my kids! Then it’s all my fault!I’m just saying I’m ready and willing to sacrifice the bulk of my “me time” now, because I know these years with my kids, when they’re home and underfoot all. Day. Long. will actually be over all too soon.
>i agree with anonymous the first. my mother spent all her time with us. she hovered, she smothered. she wanted carbon copies of herself. problem is, she was not much of a guide or role model. she didn’t read; she didn’t have hobbies; she didn’t work. she cleaned the house, ironed, made meatloaf. she didn’t do anything for herself, and she believed that was what made her a ‘good’ mother. so yes, i think it’s important for your kids to see you read a book more than twice a year, to do puzzles, to buy yourself nice things, to take a class. once a month seems unbalanced, since most of the other “chores” one does occur more often than that. we siblings grew up not only having no clue how to do any of the above “me” things, but also fervently believing we shouldn’t–that it would make us bad, selfish parents. we were taught that good parents rarely do things for themselves and that more sacrificing = better parents. it was a point of pride to say “i NEVER” or “it’s been months since…”i think children are incredibly important, and of course it is amazing and necessary to spend piles of time with them. but i can’t help but wonder if the “sacrificial mommy” lesson is the best one to be teaching.
>I couldn’t agree more! Great post.
>That was a great post and a good reminder not to race to either extreme.
>I think you are balanced more than you think. You just happen to spend some of your “me” time with other members of your family, whether they are hubs or your entertaining stepdaughters. And you work out at the Y. You seem very balanced to me. And there is a balance! As a social being, I know that my “me” time isn’t necessarily spent alone. For me, “me” time is often talking to a friend while our kids are on the playground. So, yes, sometimes I do like to be alone, but it isn’t that much time.
>I love to spend time with my kids, but not every minute of every day. I need time away from them to be the kind of sane, happy adult that they want to have around them.While I appreciate the reminder that my time with the kids is fleeting, I don’t appreciate the idea that I am some kind of overprivileged or neglectful mom who will be sorry someday that I ever left the house. Lindsay, maybe you didn’t mean to sound judgemental because that’s not typical of your writing, but it came across that way to me.I believe that if we love our children, try to understand them and teach them, our kids can happily survive vastly different parenting styles. What works for one mom or family won’t work for everyone.
>I think that you have to do what is right for you and for your family.There are so many different personalities, so many different stories, so many different backgrounds and experiences that surely ‘one size fits all’ parenting doesn’t work.It’s so easy to think you identify selfishness in others isn’t it? But it’s so hard to understand why they are selfish or seemingly so.Maybe some Moms need “me time” more than others. Maybe some of those me time Moms are selfish, and maybe some of them are really doing what they know is the best thing they can to be good mother. Who knows? Sometimes I feel like a flop as a Mother in every aspect of the word. I do nothing to the max. I have a part time, dead end job happily chosen so I could spend more time with my kids. I am a part time stay at home Mom, who happily leaves her kids to go to work. I know my time with my babies is fleeting. Yet when I am left too long with them without a break, I feel like my head is going explode. I am short tempered. I am not fun. But then sometimes when I come home from work, I am so jazzed to see my kids! So so happy! So ready to play! Look at me at the same time when I have been home all day.. sometimes I am so frazzled and close to tears. But then sometimes at work, I miss them so much I have to hide my tears from my coworkers. And sometimes when I am at home, I am so sad to put them to bed knowing a day with them is over.So is ‘me time’ necessary? Yes. Sometimes. But only if it makes you savor the ‘non-me time’ moments more.
>Wow, you sure got a lot of thoughts to ponder on this one, huh? As for me, I always thought the measure of a good mom was knowing when to put the kids first and when to put herself first, because all one or the other is no good. It’s about balance like others have said.The fact that you have this (awesome, BTW) blog and other writing is your ME time too! I’m guessing it’s a way you decompress and sort through the busyness and lessons of your life and keep things in perspective. (Filed under “writing as a process of self-discovery”) I think that’s what ME time is about too– doing the things that help us simply stay sane enough to give ourselves AND our kids the love we deserve! That’s different for each one of us. And I loved ANONYMOUS’ comment about mommy blogs having all of this “mommy” in the title. When I tried to come up with a name for mine (“Kelly in Progress”) I purposely did NOT want “mom” in the title because it’s not all I’m about. Although it DOES make for better “compartmentalizing” for the purpose of marketing… tee hee.
>I totally agree and I love my “me” time but I usually have my me time after The Son is in bed or before he gets up in the morning. Maybe once every other week or so, I’ll let him have some Daddy/Son time and I’ll have my me time. They’re only young once and you’re right, we’ll miss it when they’re older.
>I think it’s all about balance. I’m going through a sort of identity crisis now because I’ve been a SAHM for the last eight years and now that my kids are both in school full-time, I kinda don’t know what to do with myself. I feel like I lost myself during the time my kids were young and I made myself totally available to them and bascically put my own interests on hold. So, I’m sort of going through a weird time of having to re-find myself.
>ALL things in moderation, peeps. I think raising your children is absolutely first always, but on the other side of the coin, the way we treat ourselves is an example to our kids of how to treat/view people. I want my children to understand that Mommy and Daddy have feelings, get tired/cranky/sad, aren’t superhero’s etc. but at the same time, know for certain that there isn’t anything we wouldn’t do for them. I agree with you that the day comes entirely too soon for our liking that we will have all the “me time” we can stand and then some! PS. I still get sad when they spend the night out with the Gparents – even though I’m glad for the break!!!
>I have an almost three-year-old and a six-month-old, and I often forget that the our current stage is not permanent. Even as I watch them change daily and marvel at how fast they are learning, it is hard for me to imagine a day when they will not me for everything. It’s a good reminder that these moments will go quickly.That said, I know I need that “Me time” to be a good mommy during the many hours I spend with my girls. “Me time” is an absolutely essential part of my mental health plan.
>Just as I suspected. That whole “me time” theory is a bunch of bull. Sure I find myself wishing I could go shopping or find time to do my nails, but I know that once I have that time that I will be missing my baby girl the entire time.
>You all have lots of different takes on this, which is good. I really like reading them.I definitely don’t mean to come across as judgmental- If I’m judging anything here, it’s that it’s kind of funny to me that we are almost programmed by media these days to believe that we are all so deserving of ME TIME- lots and lots and lots of it.Also, I’m coming from the perspective of having small children. No, I don’t think my small children would learn something from mommy getting a manicure every week, or being away from them any more than I have to. Now when they’re older, I don’t think that kind of thing would be such a big deal. But I remember being little and wanting my mommy all the time. I’m lucky that I can give my daughter and son that gift, at an age when they really crave it.And one more thing. I definitely take time at the gym every week. I take breaks during the day when the kids are playing independently to write and check e-mail. I go on date nights. By the “me time” in this post, though, I mean taking time out JUST FOR ME. Time that benefits no one but me. (I don’t count working out as “me time” in this instance because it’s not really pleasant and I feel like I need to stay strong and in good health for my family as much as for myself.) Time when I’m not working in any way, but doing something just for me. Like reading a book or getting my hair done or having dinner with friends. Those times, I’ll admit, are rare right now. But I’ll catch up in a few years, hopefully. 🙂
>You’ve grasped the greater lesson that an instant gratification society still struggles to understand.
>It is this that is the most challenging part of motherhood. Right when you’re in the thick of it, you wish it would change and go away, but when you’re able to look back, oh how you miss it. Terribly.But when you’re in the thick of a teething kid, one who doesn’t sleep, and another who won’t stop talking, it’s hard to hear “oh, you’ll miss this.” Sure, in the back of your mind you know that, but at that point in time, you just want a moment to yourself, to vent, and to feel a little bit human and not like some sort of baby caretaking machine.I see too many moms (including myself) who at one point are (or who still presently are) sucked into the kid vacuum. There’s nothing wrong with spending quality time with your kids – every minute if that makes you happy. BUT if it doesn’t, then you shouldn’t feel bad.Nor should you make yourself do something because you think it would be good for the kids.We’re not always going to want to do everything; there will always be things we have to do because we have to. But I think the messaging (regardless of the whole “me time” phrase that’s completely overplayed) is that life doesn’t have to be ALL about your kids. ALL the time. I’m still trying to find a balance with that. I miss work so I do too much and then end up missing time with my kids. Seems like an endless cycle sometimes.
>Can I add more? I’m not saying that YOU are saying this in your post, Lindsay, but I do think people then get judgy – like “Oh, she’s not spending very waking minute w/ her kids… she’s miss that… how terrible…” To each her own. I think we all have buttons in our heads that go off and say “Ack, I need to get out of the house” and conversely “Ack, I need to spend more time with our kids.”Here’s hoping we can hear and listen to them — I know I’m often too sleep deprived to hear anything but Dora on a loop.
>You made me want to go pick up my kids from school and play hookie. Such a lovely post!
>I don’t think that having someone else watch your kids for an hour a week while you get a manicure is the slippery slope towards being a spoiled, selfish “Real Housewife of Nashville.” I personally don’t get manicures, but I defend the rights of moms who enjoy them.I think it’s great that you are happy staying home with your kids and being available to them almost 24/7. And I think it’s sad that some moms don’t seem to want to spend any time with their kids. But I think there is a huge gap between these two groups, and there’s no easy dividing line between the mommies who spend “enough” time with their kids and those who don’t. I don’t think you can measure good parenting by the number of hours you spend with your kids or the number of sacrifices you make to keep them happy.
>I think you misread the post. At any rate, I’ve already clarified in the comments that this post wasn’t a blanket statement on moms who take time for themselves. It was a personal reaction I had to media and people in general telling me constantly that I need to make more time for me. Because maybe I’m willing to sacrifice some of that time for me right now. And maybe that’s not such a bad thing. I feel like I have to defend myself as much for NOT taking me time as any mom defends herself for taking it. And that’s kind of funny.
>But I just has this fantasy that this post launched the Me Time Wars and I ended up on the Today Show, and it was sort of AWESOME.
>I don’t think any mother needs to defend her choices for me time or no me time, as long as she’s fine with those choices, and the kids are fine, too.I rarely took time for just me when my kids were younger, and I don’t really regret that, although I’m sure it would have been nice to have that time. I do enjoy me time now that they’re older. It’s nice to walk around a bookstore without someone tugging on my sleeve, or listen to a quiet house sometimes.
>To me, there’s a difference between being there for your kids and being around your kids all the time. My parents were ALWAYS there for me when I needed them but they weren’t constantly around; they still had plenty of time to themselves. But I’m currently childless so my opinion means diddly squat. I’m fully aware all of my ideas and theories on children will go out the window once I actually have one.
>I couldn’t have said it better myself.
>MeTime is such a personal issue. I have friends who constantly do things to benefit themselves. SAHM with babysitters coming daily so that they can pamper themselves. SAHM dressed very well who look as though they never play on the floor with their kids. SAHM who put their kids in full-day preschool. I’m not trying to sound judgmental, but giving examples of what I have seen.I’ve been on both sides of the MeTime camp. I’ve been at home for 13 years. For the first 6+ I was a WAHM. My time was spent with my kids, working, or doing household tasks with my husband. I had no MeTime at all. I was burnt out spending 24/7 raising kids and doing freelance editing. I was able to quit my job once my husband got his PhD.For the last 6+ years I have been a full-time SAHM. I can honestly say that I am happy that I have the opportunity to raise my son without working. He got the benefit of my undivided attention for the first 5 years of his life. I was able to have a little MeTime. I had the time and the inclination to join a Book Club and scraobooking group, and develop friendships that I did not have time for in the first 6 years of motherhood.Roll on, MeTime.Have you heard about MeTime shirts? http://writingmylifeoneblogatatime.blogspot.com/2009/02/metime-and-post-over-at.html
>Well said, Lindsay. I think each mother should decide for herself how much “me time” she needs. There’s no “should,” or “ought to” here. Personal choice.
>This is a great way to look at the me-time topic! I love it!
>I find it so funny that when people want to disagree, they go ‘anonymous’. Why? Are you embarrassed to have an opinion? Anyhow, I am a proponent of ‘Me Time’. I love to go sit with a girlfriend at a coffee shop for a couple of hours or take a hike by myself. With 3 daughters, I think it is important that they see I am a dynamic person and have interests outside of being a mother. However, my job affords me the luxury of being home with them all day, every day. If I was only to see them a couple of hours a day, I probably wouldn’t wanted to miss out on a second of it. I also think it is important for my husband to spend time with them while I am out. If I am always there, their care will fall in my lap by default and they won’t get great ‘Daddy time’. It really is a matter of your situation and what works in your heart. I would like to add that I strongly disagree with the ultrafeminist media who make Moms feel guilty about being moms. If you want to spend every second of every day being a mom and identify yourself as a mom and put ‘mom’ in your blog title, then more power to you!
>Just another perspective…blogging = me time.
>Ha ha. Not anymore.
>I agree and wish my MIL would understand that. She keeps insisting that we should be sending our daughter all alone to spend time with her for AT LEAST a week on a regular basis. Forget the fact that I don’t like my MIL and she should not be left in charge of the care of a small child.I don’t want to spend a week away from my 4 year old! When she whines about how much she misses her son I just want to go “Ha!” in her face – see, the “Me” or “Us” time will come soon enough. I want as much time with my baby now while I still can!!
>My insane jealously at how good Lindsay is at her job (her many, jobs, really), aside, I have two thoughts about “me time.” The first thought is that a lot of people profit from the “me time” of moms. Retailers, salons, spas, coffee shops, luncheon spots, etc. There are a lot of people who stand to make a lot of money from promoting the mother’s healthy relationship with herself, not to mention with her pocketbook.My second thought, though, is that most women still put more effort into caring for their children (and their husbands) than they do for themselves. They work harder to care for their children’s bodies, their nutrition, their education, their edification, than they do for themselves. Among an elite class of moms, I suppose, there might be the funds for luxurious “me time,” which is easy to scorn, but my guess is that most moms are still mostly self-sacrificing, and self-sacrificing to a fault.So while I’m with your critique of the commodification of “me time,” I hope that we (as mothers/professionals/feminists) are getting better and not worse and seeing to it that we are as physically and mentally healthy as we need to be to be the best moms we can be for our children. They need us, of course. But they also need us to be healthy, happy people. The kind of people we hope they will grow to be someday, themselves.PS: I’ll bet that having teenage daughters makes you more aware of how fleeting the “babyhood” is of your two youngest! My youngest is Bruiser’s age and I’ve been feeling very weepy and sentimental lately…
>PPS: Did you see Stephanie Coontz's NYT article about the importance of "couple time" to a marriage? It's not the same thing, of course, but it definitely speaks to this debate.http://www.nytimes.com/2009/02/05/opinion/05coontz.html?_r=1&em
>I’m with you. ps.I’ve got a post almost written on this already before coming here. I’ll come bakc tomorrow and link up.
>I’d like to apologize for my previous comment in which I accused Lindsay of sounding judgemental about moms who want some time for themselves. I think my grumpiness was causing me to read things into the post that were not intended. Why my change in attitude? My kids are at a playdate, and I’ve had the house to myself for the first time since Friday. Now I feel relaxed and friendly instead of mean and ornery. Now I’m eager for my kids to come home again. And I only feel a teeny bit guilty about how happy I was to drop them off. I love my kids, but I also love that someone else wants their company for two hours.p.s. I’m anonymous because Blogger will only let me sign in at my own blog, for reasons unknown: stlmom.blogspot.com
>I gotta have me time. By me time, it’s any time that I’m by myself. It isn’t a manicure or massage or even working out. It’s just me getting out and away and taking a break. I go out every single Monday with my girlfriends and have for about 13 years now. It’s heaven. DH watches the kids. We rarely have sitters unless it’s my sister.I know they grow up fast.. my baby is going to kindergarten in August!! I just know that for me, I am a much nicer mommy when I catch a little break every day.
>It’s funny because it seems to me (and I know someone will slaughter me on this) that SAHM’s need more me time. Not because they are selfish, but because they are “on” 24/7 without a break. I think I would go crazy and kudos to you all.As a working mom, I get “me” time everyday at noon when I check my blog, run an errand, go out to eat, or go shop for an hour. Even my 40 minute commute is considered me time with a coffee and the music I love. When I walk through the door at night it’s chaos and I love it. I’ve made the weekends “family” time mainly because I have a bit of a guilt complex for working and not spending enough time with my kids.On the flip side, they are completely social children who have different adventures everyday in their daycare (which is at our church) and teaching them other life lessons about sharing, responsibility, communicating, and being social. What I do try to work on it spending more alone time with the husband. We don’t get to connect as much anymore like we did pre-children and I’d rather go have lunch or to an event with him anytime than to go off on my own shopping or whatever. Because he is one sexy boy.
>I just found your blog from Angie Smith’s and I have laughed until I cried at several things!This one, however, made me tear up in agreement. I couldn’t agree more! What a beautiful post!!
>THANK YOU. I KNEW I couldn’t be the only person on the planet that believes that “me time” can wait. These moments when they are little are gone in the blink of an eye and we can’t get them back. Everything else will still be there, when they are avoiding our calls.
>Preach it, sister.
>I tried the water / vinager wash and it worked great! Thanks!
>For the record, I add comments anonymously because it’s generally (for me) the quickest thing to do and even if I chose a name it wouldn’t be my real one so i think people may be reading a little too much into the meaning behind “anonymous.” My choices when commenting on this blog are Google/Blogger email (don’t have any), Open ID (don’t know what that is and am not going to bother to find out), Name/URL (name, yes; URL, no), or Anonymous. Anonymous it is! I’m not embarrassed by the opinions I post; I just don’t want my searchable name all over the Internet more than it needs to be. –Joe Elliott