Nashville’s Historic Ryman Auditorium to Be Painted White
Image via Mike Folsom/Flickr Creative Commons
NASHVILLE — Nashville’s historic Ryman Auditorium is about to get a major makeover according to city leaders, who announced plans today to paint the historic church white. In a news conference held on the Ryman’s front steps, Mayor John Cooper told reporters the paint job is the first phase of a design partnership between the city of Nashville and Magnolia Network founders Chip and Joanna Gaines. The couple plans to feature the project in a television special that will air on Magnolia Network, titled ‘Mother Church Makeover.’
“Nashville has proven its ability to rapidly change with the times,” Cooper said, ” We’re excited that Chip and Joanna have agreed to work with us to ensure all downtown structures are stylish and on-trend. Painting the Ryman white is a bold and exciting move that will attract attention from the world’s top architects and designers.”
“When Chip and I assessed downtown Nashville, the Ryman was the first project we wanted to take on,” Joanna Gaines said in a videoconference call with reporters. “We spent a lot of time choosing just the right shade of white for the exterior from our Magnolia Collection. Rustic White, Shiplap White, White Flight, Toxic White Male, and dozens of other shades were all under consideration, but we ultimately agreed Farmhouse White was the perfect choice, since it’s the color chosen by 99.78% of Nashville’s new homeowners.”
“We’ll complete the look by painting all the trim black and replacing the outdated stained glass with energy efficient black windows,” Chip added. Once we’re done, the Ryman will reflect the more sophisticated tastes of Nashville’s current population.”
Some Nashville residents say they’re excited about the changes. “Yeah, that old church is kind of an eyesore,” said Huntleigh Bentley, a social media influencer who moved to Nashville from Las Vegas four months ago. “I think the new color is really going to make it pop, and it’s definitely going to be a better background for pictures.”
Others aren’t sure painting the Ryman is a good idea. “If Hank Williams could see what’s happening downtown right now, he’d just be spinning in his grave,” said longtime Grand Ole Opry member Creaky Jim Slickens. “The Ryman is a hundred and thirty years old and those bricks tell a story. You can’t just paint over history.”
“It seems like a bad idea to me,” said Broadway bartender T-Bar Thompson. “Puke and piss are a lot more visible on white brick.”
The Gaines team is also finalizing plans for a mural to be painted on the historic church’s north side. “I want to keep the overall design a surprise for now,” Joanna said, “but I will confirm it includes angel wings!”
Once the Ryman redo is complete, the husband-and-wife design team plan to set their sights on several other downtown properties. “We’ve always felt the Bat Building was aggressively pointy, so we’re brainstorming ways to soften the look,” Joanna said. “And the State Capitol probably just needs to be torn down completely. Our team is working on permits for that now.”
“Thanks to this groundbreaking design partnership, our city will soon look just like any other major metropolis in the U.S,” Mayor Cooper told reporters. “But with country music. And bachelorettes.”
If you made it this far and still aren’t sure whether this story is true — It’s not. It’s a joke. Thanks for the idea, DK!
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