>It’s Hard Out Here for a Stepmother

>Each time I write about being a stepmother, I inevitably get comments from readers praising me for the good job I’m doing raising my stepdaughters. And I cringe.

Sure, I try to do a good job. But while motherhood has felt like a natural fit from day one, a vocation in which I can say, “I’m their mother and I know what’s best for my children,” and be right at least 90% of the time, stepmothering is a vast, uncharted territory. They are not my children, and I am not their mother, and no amount of wishing will change that fact. The very nature of our situation throws all of my decisions for my stepchildren into question.

I would compare being a stepmother to feeling my way in the dark. Sometimes I do a great job, but most times I’m just trying to get by and keep everyone happy.

And there is very little advice out there to help me find my way, mostly because each blended family’s situation is so different. Just think of all the variables. Are both divorced parents alive? Are both remarried? Are there stepsiblings involved? Half-siblings? Do the parents live in the same general vicinity? Is there joint custody? Weekend visitation? Do the divorced parents get along? Was the stepparent involved in an affair with the parent before that parent divorced? Do the parents and stepparents have similar values? Is there a problem child or special needs child involved? Do the stepparents really love their stepchildren and actively parent them, or do they view the stepchildren as an inconvenience? And on and on and on.

Being a perfectionist, I initially tried to force our situation into the mold that I believed would solve all of our problems. That totally didn’t work. I have come to realize that a blended family is a special challenge for a perfectionist in particular, because I can never make it “perfect,” no matter how hard I try. It is an imperfect situation, it was born from imperfection, and it will never fit properly into any sort of box I try to make for it.

Once I got past my perfectionist issues, or at least recognized them for what they were, I tried to make everyone else happy at the cost of my own contentment. That didn’t work either. I felt resentful and stressed.

By now, I’ve learned to compromise, choosing my battles, letting the little things go, and making sure to take my own feelings into consideration as well as everyone else’s. It is certainly not perfect. It is nowhere near perfect.

But our home is a peaceful place. We get along. There are few arguments. And given the fact that everyone in this home has a vibrant, over-the-top personality, peacefulness is at a premium, and could be considered a major accomplishment for this family.

I try now not to beat myself up over my imperfections, both as a stepparent and as a person. I try to take each day as it comes. I try to look at the big picture, see all we’ve been through, and realize that things are going pretty well, considering.

But I’m afraid I’ll never be able to smile with assurance when someone compliments me on my “stepmothering skills.” Looking back, there are so many things I would like to have done differently. I suppose that feeling is inevitable when you’re grasping your way through the dark.

This post originally appeared on Parents.com.