I’m Dreaming of a White Trash Christmas
“I want you to come out here and see something,” Hubs called inside from the front door. My 16-year-old stepdaughter and I headed out and joined him on the lawn.
“Well, what do you think?” he asked.
“About what?” I said.
“Look at the rhododendron bush!” he prodded.
I looked over at our half-dead rhododendron. It was covered in red lights. Red lights shaped like chili peppers.
“Oh,” I said. 16 started giggling. “When did you get those?”
“I got them at Target today while you guys were gone!” Hubs said proudly.
“I thought you were going to get more snowflakes,” I said softly. A week ago, Hubs had bought two boxes of gigantic flashing-light snowflakes, enough to cover the middle of one of two spruce trees that flank our front door. Admitting that it looked horrible, he had promised to buy more snowflakes in order to decorate both trees, but in the meantime, the neighborhood had been treated to our one-half-of-one-tree snowflake light display. Worse, he’d lately begun implying that it actually looked good as it was.
“They were out of snowflakes at Target,” Hubs said. “We’ll just have to wait till next year.”
“Oh, wonderful,” I groaned. “I can see the letter from the neighborhood association president now. As written in your neighborhood covenant, ginormous snowflake lights may not be hung on one tree only when there are two identical trees on either side of your entryway.
“I like the chili pepper lights, Dad,” 16 said. “But now that we’ve got red lights on the bush and white lights in the tree, I think we need blue lights to even it out.” She gave me an impish look, knowing what was coming next.
“That’s a great idea!” Hubs exclaimed. I was thinking of covering these two bushes in blanket lights. Blue would look great!”
“No,” I said.
“Where’s your Christmas spirit?” Hubs asked as 16 dissolved in laughter.
“No,” I repeated.
“I can’t believe you,” Hubs said. “The guy next door said, ‘Hey, it’s starting to look really good,’ as he went out to his car just now.”
“Hubs!” I shouted. “He was obviously mocking you!” It was true. We live on a cul-de-sac of manicured yards with tastefully-done Christmas lights, lights skillfully woven into Christmas wreaths and evergreen garlands bordering front doors and banisters. By comparison, our display was a total disaster.
16 continued laughing.
“16, the lights are a great idea,” Hubs continued. “And wait ’til I put up some icicle lights around the front door.” He was completely serious. 16 laughed harder.
“And what we really need are more gigantic ornaments for these spruce trees,” he said. Those, actually, had been my idea, but once again, things hadn’t gone according to plan.
“I know,” I said quickly, “but the Dollar Tree ran out, so I only had enough for that one section over there.” 16 doubled over, laughing until tears came to her eyes.
It’s a redneck Christmas, y’all.
I am so embarrassed.
>Well, it has to be better than the single strand of large C9 multi-colored bulbs strung across the front of our house… we look like a damn pizza parlor.
>whooo doggy!at least hubs did not put the foil xmas tree with lights on the front porch!But I did notice not one word about the giant, inflatable Homer Santa/Snoopy Santa, lawn display of Santa in a sleigh along side the Nativity scene…all tastefully done with white, chasing lights.Girl you have a looong way to go to get to the level of Redneck. You might qualify for Hick..?
>*L* My sister has a theory that our neighbors are trying to get kicked out of our “covenant association” neighborhood. Every day for the first week of December, something NEW was added to the display. Huge hanging ornament balls from the tree. Three snowflakes on the front porch. White lights on the roof–except for the corner, those are blue. A Nativity set. An inflatable snowman. Colored lights lining part of the driveway. Red lights over the bush. I’m not exaggerating, and I KNOW that I’m forgetting something.Every day. Something new. I’d call my sis and she’d ask “Again?!”Oh, and across the street we DO have a red-white-blue display. It started out red and white, the colors of Poland. (Our across-the-street neighbors are recent immgrants.) Then they added blue–I think to show support of their adopted country?Yeah, and this really is a nice neighborhood. You just can’t tell at night.
>You didn’t mention having any of those damn blow-up things from Walgreens. So, consider yourself lucky. My neighbor has three now, and I’ve decided he’s the Clark Grizwald of the new millenium!
>Oh my, I am not sure what it is about NE Kentucky, (Well, maybe THAT IS what it is!), but almost every other house up here has a zoo of those UGLY inflatable gizmos! Not one, not two, I am talking as many as they can pack on their lawn and for the house trailers, they even put ’em on the roof! On a SINGLE WIDE! This year’s newest model and new favorite is the almost life size carousel with the little what-izts going round and round inside a little blow up cube with fake snow blowing around. jeeeeez.Lord have mercy, if I see another Grinch or snowman and Santa bobbing like they’ve hit the nog one cup too many, I am gonna’ hurl. It is enough to make one want to sue Lowe’s, Wal Mart, and Target for mental abuse!The most ironic part is that it is usually the more modest homes that put on this garish display…….but have you ever actually PRICED one of those atrocious things?! C’mon, they could add a metal carport for their pick-em-up truck for one season’s worth of “tacky day-cor”!
>It is true. Life happens while you think you are planning something else.Nipping at your heels.
>My dad has a set of lights made from red shot gun shells. Want me to see if you can borrow them for your yard decor? š
>Alright, I call myself a Redneck, but dude, even my yard doesn’t look that bad.Of course, I live out in the freaking sticks, and only have a couple neighbours who can’t really see my house anyways, but I do have some pride.Only white icesicle lites and tasteful garlands around these parts.I make up for my display of taste the other 11 months of the year!
>That’s great! I live in Vegas and my favorite here is the lights on the palm trees. You can tell how tall their ladder is because the lights only go up about 12 feet. You’re doing better than us. We have 1 measly strand of regular old multi-colored Christmas lights hung on the inside outlining 1 window. We used those suction cup hangers so they fall down about every other day and most of the time I forget to put them back up.
>Whenever I see those blow up Santas, Snowmen, etc., I have the overwhelming urge to sneak over under cover of darkness and place them in compromising positions…
>Ohhhhh lordy…It’s no better here in Way Northern Alberta – our house (a double wide trailer no less HAHAHA) has the multi colored lights, with the top right corner of the house having burnt out lights (naturally!) plus we have 2 re-bar reindeer (yes, re-bar, the stuff they use to make buildings and stuff) that are lit up and hiding behind the broken swing set that is half buried under 4 feet of snow…And hubby leaves the christmas lights up ALL YEAR…all we have to do is switch extension cords.Redneck much?!?
>Kristine – I think I want to see your house!I’m such a goon for Christmas – I love when people decorate their houses like that. We keep ours simple but there’s a little part in me that wants The Man to just go ALL OUT one year. That part is usually satisfied by other people’s wonderfully tacky decorations. Although, I think I would draw the line at the pepper lights. It’s not Chili’s, it’s Christmas!
>Give him some credit I had to beg my husband to put lights up.My yard still looks bad!!
>HA! I managed to rein my own spouse in this year, our first Christmas in this house, because the day we moved in last January, he was already planning all the “fantastic” things he could do at Christmas, because larger house=MORE DECORATIONS. Fortunately, there’s no way we can afford all that fantasticness, so we’re mostly safe for now. But I did have a scare when he purchased a special extender tool for stringing lights without using a ladder.Thank goodness we ran out of money on my new, prettypretty tree.I’m already trying to think of distractions for him for next year. When we moved out of the old house, we left in place a huganimous star (seriously, like 5′ across) attached to the front of the barn.
>Belinda – gorgeous tree – definitely like one in a magazine. What’s the opposite of white trash? Lindsay – at least your husband has some Christmas spirit. Mine was scarred by having a December birthday and resents that “other holiday.” He would prefer we skipped Christmas and went straight from Thanksgiving to New Year – or maybe even Martin Luther King Day.I would just like to say that my main issue with inflatable yard decor is what they look like when deflated during the day — Santa looks like the Wicked Witch of the West after she got the bucket of water poured over her…
>you could do what they do down here… hook up the RV or the popup to a tree in the front lawn and string it AND the tree with lights… set yer practice deer in front and put a red nose on it and yer good to go!!! It’s not a true white trash christmas unless the lights are still up in time for “Christmas in July”….We have a yearly event in a local township where the people dress up in lights (yes,on their bodies AND their houses) in a location called “Turkey Circle” and stand outside their house and greet everyone that comes by (and EVERYONE visits from miles around!)…tell me THAT’s not an accident waiting to happen
>I love tacky Christmas lights. The gaudier the better!!! I know, I so belong in a trailer or something.
>Hey, if my boyfriend had it his way, there would be no xmas lights in our house and he’s probably go around shooting at other peoples lights if i was stupid enough to let him have a gun.Maybe you could send Hubs to the local trailer park to help people decorate their trailers. Looks like he’s got a knack for it!
>Is there anything that Subturm likes? Or is all of your life Turmoil? I have been reading a while and I see nothing that says you are really happy about anything. You find a subject to write about, pick it apart for all the things you do not like and then, wait for blog or email responses to pick apart as well and that’s all. I do think some of your blog has funny in it but not so much as happy. I am willing to laugh with my neighbor on their oops and laugh at myself in the same stereotypes that are placed on my likeness. I like that you question things. Okay, your blog is called Suburban Turmoil but come on, all of Suburbia cannot be unhappy with everything out there in the world. I can only go on what I have read and I am hoping you would write about something that makes you happy, that makes you shine without all the Oh I tried this and didn’t like it, or I saw this and it wasn’t all that special, I was let down by this or that. Post something happy.You can be funny and I would like to see HAPPY too. I am no way nearly as witty as you are so I would really like to see you blog on the things, moments, happenings in your life makes you truly happy.Come on…Its nearly Christmas … lets start a List of SubTurm’s Favorite Things (Julie Andrews is waiting) Pretty Please with sugar on top …and whipped cream and a big cherry! Ok and a free Holiday treat with a Starbucks drink purchase? (last Sunday’s paper coupon)
>It’s okay, Linds. We don’t have any lights at all.I thought of you as I wrote my latest blog post. It was something that you would do, only I’m sure you would do it funnier. I tried to stop myself, really I did, but I couldn’t.
>Hey maybe you’ll be the only house on the street doing a tribute to Red Hot Chili Peppers. Snowflakes are so dull, right? š Done to death.
>Ha! Chilli Peppers- that’s great! I hope he bought a Flamingo with a Santa Hat to match
>STL Mom: White Trash would be the REST of the house! We had a break-in scare recently, and one of the most horrifying aspects of that for me was the thought of police coming into my house and seeing the MESS!!!And Linds? You strike me as very happy. I’ve never thought any different. Just so you know.*virtual tummy rub*
>My kids hung homemade snowflakes from the trees in our front yard, and found extra red bows and tied them to the trees. My beautiful decorations are lost in a sea of white trash snowflakes.
>mommasworld – I thought that was going a different way, good job “nicing it up” in the end!I think Lindsay portrays herself as happy. She seems to have a great family and knows that. I think the fact that she IS so happy with her life is why she finds things to investigate and, maybe, bitch about. Actually, I’d never heard of a lot of things (Unschooling, Babywise, Attached parenting, etc) until she did her reporting. It seems like second nature for her (You did used to be a reporter, right?? Am I wrong? I might be.), and it ties in with her other job very well. I just don’t get the same vibe you do, I guess.
>mommasworld – I thought that was going a different way, good job “nicing it up” in the end!I think Lindsay portrays herself as happy. She seems to have a great family and knows that. I think the fact that she IS so happy with her life is why she finds things to investigate and, maybe, bitch about. Actually, I’d never heard of a lot of things (Unschooling, Babywise, Attached parenting, etc) until she did her reporting. It seems like second nature for her (You did used to be a reporter, right?? Am I wrong? I might be.), and it ties in with her other job very well. I just don’t get the same vibe you do, I guess.
>Don’t people get that this is a HUMOR blog? People. They crack me up.Write on, Lindsay. Tell Hubs to make sure at least half of the lights BLINK. That’ll be the ultimate!
>The house we just moved into is on a short cul de sac as well, and the houses are all kept up very nicely and the two houses across from us have lovely landscaping. We’re renting, and the previous tenants didn’t trash the place, but they didn’t do too much upkeep either. It took me three of those giant yard waste bags to get rid of all the weeds I’ve had to pull, and There’s still some work to be done. When the landscaped houses started to decorate I was embarrassed at how lovely and sedate their decorations were, and I was feeling like the ugly cousin. Then the house dircetly across finished decorating, and I don’t feel so bad now š (There are only so many plastic candycanes and stuffed santas on the porch that one house can need, you know?)
>I just took our jackolantern door mat off the front porch last week. Viva La White Trash Baby! š
>Oh come on….where are the pictures!!!