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Hi! I'm Lindsay Ferrier. You might remember me from a blog called Suburban Turmoil. Well, a lot has changed since I started that blog in 2005. My kids grew up, I got a divorce, and I finally left the suburbs for the heart of Nashville, where I feel like I truly belong. I have no idea what the future will hold and you know what? I'm okay with that. Thrilled, actually. It was time for something totally different.
An Open Letter to Parents About Youth Recreational Sports
April 7, 2014
As a parent, I’ve stood on the sidelines of recreational sports leagues for 12 years now, and I’m convinced that we as a nation have completely lost sight of what youth recreational sports could and should be about. Instead of providing a supportive environment for all children to learn to play a sport regardless of ability, too many rec leagues have become a way for parents and coaches to compete vicariously- and at times, viciously- through their kids. Here’s the letter I WISH every rec league would send to parents before the season begins.
Dear Parents,
Thank you for enrolling your child in a recreational league. Rec sports are a great way to help kids have fun while staying healthy and active.
The definition of recreation is activity done for enjoyment. The mission of our recreational league is for all of our players to find enjoyment in this sport, no matter their skill or ability level.
While we believe that there’s a place for more competitive youth leagues, we want to be clear. We are not that place. Why? Let’s start with a few facts:
- More than one third of children and adolescents are overweight or obese.
- Research from the Positive Coaching Alliance shows that 70% of children quit playing sports by the age of 13. Children list the pressure put on them to win as one of the top reasons they quit.
We as a league are working to change these statistics by creating an environment where every child feels welcome to play this sport to the best of his or her ability — but we can’t do it without your help. Unfortunately, the kind of behavior that encourages kids to drop out of sports has become so common in recreational leagues, many adults don’t even realize they’re engaging in it.
For your reference, these behaviors include:
-Parents shouting criticisms of their children’s mistakes during a game.
-Coaches yelling at kids for not running fast enough, not listening, or making technical mistakes.
-Parents saying nothing when their kids taunt teammates or members of the opposing team for their mistakes or lack of ability.
-Coaches keeping kids on the sidelines who aren’t as skilled as the others on their team.
-Parents insulting children on the opposing team, coaches arguing with coaches, parents arguing with refs, parents arguing with parents, coaches arguing with coaches, etc.
Parents, we want you to see every moment that you spend on a recreational field as an opportunity to build other children up for their courage in getting out there and making an effort, rather than tearing them down for their lack of ability.
We encourage you to talk to your kids before games and practices and make sure they understand that it’s not okay to criticize or taunt their less-experienced teammates or members of the opposing team.
We ask for your help in ensuring our coaches understand that recreational sports are for enjoyment, not training grounds for future pro athletes, and we are happy to work with you to politely remind them if they seem to be missing the boat.
We request that you put your competitiveness aside during recreational games and cheer for the points scored on both sides. Yes, you read that right. There is no reason why we can’t celebrate the accomplishments of every child on the field.
We need to do these things simply because recreational sports may be the only shot we have at keeping hundreds of thousands of kids across the country healthy and active well into adulthood. Look at the statistics. THIS MATTERS.
We encourage those children who have the desire for greater competitiveness to try out for an elite or travel team. There, they will learn whether they truly have what it takes to go to the next level.
As for our recreational leagues, we are constantly working to keep them open, accessible and welcoming to all children. Thanks in advance for helping us make this possible.
Sincerely,
Your youth recreational sports league
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Oh how I wish this were the letter sent out! My oldest threw in the towel in middle school because he “wasn’t good enough” and lost ALL interest in ANY sports due to the eye rolling, deep sighs and insulting comments from team mates and parents when he’d miss the ball etc…
It’s heartbreaking and I felt so helpless against the system and culture that youth sports has become.
I second modfrugal’s comment. I’m just happy to see my boys active and enjoying themselves. It makes no sense to me that some parents, coaches and players think that criticizing a child’s abilities and efforts is the way to inspire them to keep playing and improve. Some of the comments I’ve overheard were just heartless. Can’t it just be for fun with the added benefit of improved physical fitness?
Yes! Yes! Yes! We are having a hard time finding recreational leagues for our 1st grader! We had hoped he could stay in our church/school league for a few years but so many are leaving for more competitive leagues, we barely made a 10 person baseball team. Now we are forced to start looking elsewhere for fall soccer. He just wants to have fun and we don’t want to burn him out by the time he’s 10. It’s ridiculous.
Our 10 year old daughter dances and even with that, as she has gotten older, her class size has shrunk because so many girls do competitive dance now.
Our Little League makes every parent sign a code of conduct, and they really work hard to ensure that parents and coaches are staying true to it. That doesn’t mean spectators don’t get out of hand, but generally speaking, it feels like a mostly positive experience. Sadly, I find the grandparents or aunts/uncles, etc are way worse than the parents.
“Coaches yelling at kids for not running fast enough, not listening, or making technical mistakes.”
I would argue that this is exactly what coaches should be doing. If a child isn’t paying attention or is not applying themselves, a coach should be there to get them back on track. Little Suzy or Billy will be OK if a coach does that in a respectful, non-demeaning manner.
Sports are a great way to teach children important lessons like how to play within the rules, fair play, teamwork, giving your best effort, overcoming disappointment, etc. I coached six-year-old baseball last year, and one of our players started out the season completely disinterested in a sport he knew nothing about. Every time he batted or got on base I had to tell him what he needed to be doing, sometimes repeatedly, sometimes urgently. By the end of the year he eventually “got it” and was clearly enjoying himself. Would he have been better off if I had just let him do whatever he wanted, even if it was the wrong thing to do within the context of the baseball game?
Of course no one should be berating anybody, but a coach is there to provide some structure that will help the child. If you’re not actually going to care about doing things correctly, then why not just have the kids run around on a playground instead? Nothing wrong with that.
I understand, and agree with your point, and there are GREAT coaches for every über-competitive screamer out there. There are ways to offer guidance and structure without demeaning and bullying children in front of their peers…which encourages their team mates to do the same, thus the unhealthy cycle begins.
Right — respectful, non-demeaning manner. Not “yelling at kids.” Nobody is saying that they can’t help the kids with their weaknesses, including effort.
The key word there is “yelling.” Children don’t respond well when they’re being yelled at, any more than adults do. My husband coached for over a decade and he used to be a yeller- Then he read a book on coaching that changed everything for him, and he never yelled again- And looking back, I’d say his teams did even better after that. I’ll ask him what the book was called and post it here.
Susan, Modfrugal – Really?? So you are saying the schools should just let anyone play, no matter their skills or ability? Do you think that is fair to the child that loves the sport, and has but in extra work and practice and training to improve? That is why it is called “tryouts”. Recreational sports are different. That is when you pay for child to have the chance to play and learn in a less competitive environment. If they don’t succeed at a sport, then they don’t succeed. I can not sing. Should I be allowed on the chorus and school and keep the talented students from winning awards because of my lack of ability. If your son lost All interest in Any sport, that is your fault, not the coaches.
Gosh, I thought the title and point of this post was recreational sports, not competitive league/travel league sports for those who are wanting that level of play. I don’t expect my son to be allowed to play on a competitive team if he isn’t good enough, but that’s not what recreational sports are, as you just said yourself.