An Open Letter to Those Pesky Sorority Girls
Dear Sorority Girls,
Let me just take this opportunity to welcome you home for the summer. I know college has been tough, what with the Pimps and Prosititutes socials, the tanning bed sessions, and the binging and purging. I’m so glad you have a few months to kick back and relax.
And I encourage you to really relax, girls. I mean, why get all sweaty and gross watching re-runs of The Bachelor on a YMCA treadmill when you could be deepening that tan beside your daddy’s backyard pool? Besides, the fact that not one of you weighs more than 90 pounds has me a little concerned for your well-being. Forgive me, but all that ellipticizing just doesn’t seem safe.
All right, all right. So maybe it’s just sour grapes on my part. But the fact is, I once loved the YMCA because unlike my old gym (a nasty hole filled with tanned, toned freaks of nature), the people who go there to work out are all shapes and sizes. After four long months, I managed to sweat off 15 pounds and started feeling pretty damn good about myself when I worked out each day– at least, until school let out and the gym became Greek Central.
Now, I’m hopelessly outnumbered by Buffanys and Ainsleys and Chelseighs and Mary Margarets, impossibly thin and impeccably made up, with tiny Deltas tattooed on their precious ankles and tee-shirts that read, “Booze Cruise!” and “Get your Sister a Mister!” Sandwiched on the Stair Masters between two ponytailed co-eds in size zero sportswear, I’ve transformed from Twiggy into Ziggy- all without gaining a single freaking pound.
Perhaps we could work something out, ladies. If you will all agree to stay away from the Y between the hours of three and four pm while I work out, I will promise in return to teach any of you who are interested how to avoid sleeping with a man on the first date. Do we have a deal?
Cordially,
Lindsay
Awww, I’m only kidding. I used to be a Zeta, you know. Group hug, girls. Now go here if you really want to feel warm and fuzzy and find out how to win a $25 Build-a-Bear gift certificate.
>My gym has two locations within a mile- one for the beautiful people and one for all the rest of us. The sorority girls must be at the beautiful people gym. I have seen a couple of college age guys, but they are no frat boys. It’s mostly just us and the old folks with canes and walkers. I like it that way, because I feel like a babe compared to them.
>i am laughing. my family – four of my own, a daughter-in-law, two grandsons plus two stepkids. four of the above living at home. ech. youngest 18 oldest 30. just doing the “register for classes at college” “did you send in money for residence” etc. all of these children later, i would no more let a teenager be responsible for these things than i would let them drive my new car, replacing the car that was in an accident, i swear it wasn’t his fault. the last thing i want is for someone on their way to university and out of this house is to get stalled at the end of the driveway because he didn’t pay a $250.00 pre registration fee. for crying out loud, do this crap yourself. who cares if they learn a lesson, maybe they will get jobs one day.
>I live in a college town and am relieved for the two and 1/2 months a year when the students leave!!! Parking is so much nicer in the summer. Mostly kidding though – the university really makes this a great town and is also my employer, so I’m really grateful that they keep coming back.
>Heh, we’ve got the high school beauty pageant queens up here in Sumner. Each of them hoping to finally shed that last layer of muscle so they can brag how size 0 no longer fits and they have to get their impossibly skimpy sun dresses taken in.
>Used to be? Isn’t it once a zeta always a zeta??? (Or theta or delta or sigma…etc.)Isn’t perspective a funny thing? I could come work out at your Y (I think our memberships are nationwide, yes?) and then you’d feel like a superstar again, comparatively.
>I love the deal you’re offering them. If they hadn’t tanned their brains away, they’d be smart enough to take you up on it.
>I am no longer a Zeta, to my mom’s eternal horror.
>(sorority shriek) OMG! I was a Zeta too! OMG! (end shriek)But, I uh, still am, I guess. The path of least resistance, you know.My problem at the gym is the high school boys, actually, working the machines trying to position themselves to WATCH the Tri-delts on the elliptical, and so not paying very much attention to other people who might be WAITING patiently for that FUCKING MACHINE. Ahem.
>And that is why you will never find me in a gym! People who don’t need it, tick me off!
>This cracked me up! I am usually just a lurker here, but I had to comment because I was a Zeta, too!ZLAM!heehee. couldn’t resist!
>I so want to print out your letter for my gym….honest to god the last thing I need when I work up motivation to get my 35 week pregnant tush on the treadmill is to see a little girl running for her life while her thighs don’t even touch. There is an audible groan as every man in the place positions himself for the best view.
>Hilarious! It just goes to show that we all have the same thought running through our heads when we see it whether we’re gorgeous (like you) or ziggy-like (which you are NOT). Keep on working out. It makes you feel good and you look great!
>Twiggy to Ziggy. That’s nice.
>You don’t have to try to work out next to Steve Young twice a week.At least you can smirk at them a little, knowing that in ten or twelve years they will be right where you are, wishing the sorority girls would get the hell out of the gym so that real people can work out.Steve Young will be in better shape than I am forever.
>I never belonged to any of those groups. Why they wouldn’t have me has less to do with them being rejecting of me and more of my having a 3 year old in college with me. They tend to frown on that.With that said, all sorority girls are pesky to me. If I were to become one I wanted everyone to call me Muffy. Or Bitty. Would you call me that, please?
>It really sucks to realize those overtanned, overly skinny sorority girls used to be…you doesn’t it? It did for me!
>I feel your pain. I took my two youngest kids and one of their friends to a water park today. Even though I just turned 40, I’ve been feeling pretty good lately about my body because I just lost 15 pounds. Well, there’s nothing like laying next to a gaggle of teenage tanned and toned girls to burst your bubble. I felt like the pillsbury dough boy walking out into the kiddy pool with my daughter. Oh well, they too shall be forty someday and will have to fight the battle of the bulge like the rest of us moms.
>Why all the hate for Tri-Delts? ;)(So glad I never got legacy guilt like it sounds like you get from your mom.)
>That last bit about teaching them not to sleep with a guy on the first date was particularly snarktastic. And Twiggy to Ziggy… snort! Classic! Unfortunately my newly-acquired personal trainer is one of them. She’s very sweet but a tiny bit clueless. I look at her and I push myself harder through the routine. Go Jealousy Power!!
>I completely feel you but I am 20. It is so embarrasing to seem them in their tight little sports bras and booty shorts and im sweating my ass off in sweats
>same anon, but not like im saying you are in any way old i just think its more humiliating when its your peers and they all remember you from high school when i was dealing with an eating disorderat times they walk up and say “oh honey you look…great”shove it size 00 bitch
>Coming from another sister- aren’t you a “sister for life”… I thought we had to be after all those secret candle ceremonies dressed in black?My advice would be to get there earlier– those zeros will stil be in bed nursing their hangovers and be nowhere near the gym.
>It can be so demoralizing to be around people that tiny! I worked in a high school for 5 years, and you really get a skewed sense of reality. I felt SO HUGE, when I was a mere size 8. Beckyhttp://www.stinkylemsky.typepad.com/
>Ahh Lindsay…. drinkin’ some haterade.
>Lindsay,I thought that the Green Hills Y was for the greek crowd. Someone sounds jealous…Darth Doc, former greek
>Another Zeta popping in (and yes I have the tatoo to prove it but it was 1996 and I really wanted a tat). That is why I don’t belong to a gym–I just go for walks. I have enough issues without hearing the little girls whine about how their size 2 dresses are a bit snug. Ohh, lunch time–off to stuff my face with more calories.
>Yep. Sometimes, I’ve just gotta be a bitch.
>It has only been a few years since I graduated college. I wasn’t a sorority girl, but I was “friends” with a few of them. I know exactly what you are talking about. After having my daughter I thought I would try to lose a few pounds of pregancy weight, I was surrounded by college girls. I immediately felt old.
>is it sickening that they even make a size 00 or xxS that i see hanging out of their tiny shirts…man the population is shrinking
>One thing I love about my local Y is taking the water aerobics class. I’m one of the most uncoordinated, worst swimmers in the world! The rest of the class is a minimum of a decade older, and they just cheer me on while I wear that big ole floatie belt and get absolutely no where while sitting on a kick board trying to “bicycle” the length of the pool.