>Baby Registry Don’ts, UPDATED!
>My playgroup has been kind enough to host a baby shower for me next weekend- which means I actually had to get on the ball and sign up for some things. I won’t bore you with the details of my registry list. Instead, I’ll show you what didn’t make the cut.
An Amamanta anatomically correct doll: Call me old fashioned, but there are some things a little boy just doesn’t need a visual of right away and childbirth is one of them. I have a feeling, though, that this doll would be quite the rage at my son’s sleepovers when he’s about 7 or 8 years-old, in the same way that Sarah Whitson’s dad’s Playboy-filled file cabinet made her the most popular slumber party hostess in my third grade class.
The Why Cry Baby Crying Analyzer: A monitor that tells you why your baby is crying? Uh yeah, right. I think this thing is giving babies more credit than they’re due. I mean, why on earth would a baby be stressed? Because his hair’s not growing in on top fast enough? Because stock in Coca-Cola just plummeted? I suspect that babies themselves quite often don’t know why they’re crying- and now I’m supposed to believe a $65 machine does? Pass.
The Zaky Infant Pillow: A friend sent me a link to this thing. And OMG, is it weird. I suppose it’s perfect for the mom who just can’t be bothered to hold her newborn baby all the damn time. That mom’s not me.
NuAngel Privacy Nursing Cover: Like most nursing moms, I don’t like to draw a lot of attention to myself when I’m breastfeeding. That’s why it will be a cold day in hell before I wear the NuAngel Privacy Nursing Cover. I can’t imagine a better way to scream, “Hello! I’m breastfeeding!” (except for actually screaming, “Hello! I’m breastfeeding!”) than wearing this contraption. Seriously, a nice little blanket and a secluded chair will do me just fine.
The Babykeeper: Hmm, what to do with the little anklebiter when you have to go pee pee in a public restroom? I always kept mine in her stroller and used the handicapped stall, myself. Now that she’s older, she just stands in front of me with strict orders not to touch anything. But it seems that’s too easy for some moms. Enter The Babykeeper. Hang your baby out of harms way and keep toilet paper off the floor in the process. I would never use this in a public restroom, but it would be tempting to buy one of these for home use. Imagine the work you could get done simply by hanging your baby over the door for a little while…
Giggle Bug Toddler Tracker: “Why pay $300 for a fancy GPS device,” the catalogue asks, “when our affordable child locator does the same job?” Erm, who exactly is paying $300 for a fancy GPS device for her toddler?
Anyway, you hook the ladybug to your toddler, hang the “activator” on your keychain and press it for a 90-decibel squeal from wherever your kid ran off to while you weren’t paying attention! I think this is the next step device for the poor little newborn who was only hugged by muppet hands. (Thanks to Kelly for finding this one).
The Bumper Bonnet: Designed especially for worrywart parents whose babies are learning to crawl or walk, the bumper bonnet will ensure that no one plays with your kid at the playground. Which is good, I guess, if you’re worried about germs… (Thanks Virginia for the link.)
The Baby Cage: Although this might be a nice change from the Babykeeper and I do like that two children can fit inside, the baby cage’s biggest flaw is that it’s not noise proof. Therefore, I can’t justify the expense.
Got some more ideas on what not to register for? Send them to me and I’ll add them on.
>Ok. That birthing doll has me cracking up! Did you notice how there’s a snap on the baby’s mouth and a snap on the mommy’s boob? HAHAHAH!! OH, man. This could prove for hours of fun.And, no…no kids here. (Unless you cound the 30-somethings, me and my boyfriend!)
>Sorry, I have no better things to NOT register for. I think my favorite is the hanging up the kid thing. You’d have two options: 1) hang your kid in front of you ON THE DOOR to watch you pee (that kid looks a little bit old for that anyway!) 2) hang him on the outside and pee in privacy to find that Security had taken custody of your child until C.services arrives.And, who would really lug that contraption around just to hang up your kid for a few seconds???I had rules for boys – (like my little brother when he was a toddler) they stand by the sink and sing. When I take my girl into the stall with me, she always asks questions – questions I’m not comfortable answering in public – so she ‘takes care of herself’ in public potties now, too.
>Oh MAN that is some creepy stuff there! That hands-shaped pillow is especially so.
>Ok, I admit it there have been times I could have used the babyKeeper – like right now as I type this my 16 month old is pulling on my arm. I’m sorry but that hand pillow thing is c.r.e.e.p.y.
>BIZZARE! That is all I can say!Although…if they made that baby hanging thing to fit 11 year olds I might buy one!Lisa
>This one is precious.http://www.onestepahead.com/product/85215/487760/117.htmlGPS for babies! It’s for when you want to let your toddler roam around in the woods but don’t feel like keeping an eye on him. Let the ‘ladybug’ do it for you! Awesome!
>http://www.onestepahead.com/product/85215/487760/117.htmlOops, full address above.
>How about the bumper bonnet?http://www.onestepahead.com/product/117/148756/117.html
>http://www.onestepahead.com/product/117/148756/117.htmloops – the address got cut off.
>Bwahahahahaha! Those kill me!! What do you mean you don’t want those!?Great post!!
>Ewwww…Those things are wrong. Just plain ol’ wrong.
>At first I thought the hand pillows were a way to stop baby rolling over onto his back or tummy – my newborn has some colic and I’ve found keeping him on his side helps. But after reading the website I have to agree – they’re just freakish.The kid hanging on the door device was obviously invented by middle school bullies.
>At first I thought the hand pillows were a way to stop baby rolling over onto his back or tummy – my newborn has some colic and I’ve found keeping him on his side helps. But after reading the website I have to agree – they’re just freakish.The kid hanging on the door device was obviously invented by middle school bullies.
>Whoops, too impatient with the clicking… sorry. 🙂
>What amuses me about the ladybug is that I’ve never heard of anyone buying a GPS to attach to their child just in case he darts off in the grocery store. I have heard of people using them for kids who are old enough to go to school. Imagine, for instance, living in Tokyo, and your six year old takes two trains and a bus every day to get to school. It might be nice to be able to track him. Or if you lived in Manhattan, and maybe could walk your little guy down the street to the local school, but wanted to keep an “eye” on his location throughout the day. What if he wandered off during an outing to the local park, which just so happens to be Washington Square Park? What if he got snatched? Anyway, my point is, GPS for toddlers might sound absurd in Nashville, but it’s not unheard of in large cities that don’t give off such an aura of safety.As for those other products, they are just bizarre. I really think parents are the biggest lot of suckers as far as products go.
>I wish I’d had this handy list to give to my 2002 shower attendees. I received the Bumper Bonnet from a friend of my mother’s. After a polite request for the receipt (return, anyone?), she informed me she didn’t have it.THIS is why Ebay was created. I sold the thing to some poor woman in Quebec. I hope her child isn’t traumatized by it.
>Rachel Anne, it’s not that I don’t see the appeal of knowing exactly where my toddler is at all times, yes even in podunk Nashville. It’s the $300!!! part that gets me. Because in Nashville, that is a LAWT of money, although I guess in Tokyo, it’s chump change. 😉
>Um.So the hanging kid up contraption.Do you think a three year old would fit? Cuz seriously. I mean, they don’t take naps anymore. If I hung them from the closet doors for an hour or two with a roll of toilet paper to play with, I bet I could read, like, three chapters of a book…
>I don’t think anybody could find anything to top that doll.Your post had me LMAO.
>How fantastic is the Kid Hanger!? I prefer your idea of how to use it properly. I think using it in a cramped toilet cubicle would lay you open to the risk of being kicked repeatedly in the head by a furious 2-year-old.
>oh. my. I can’t believe some of those things actually exsist! I saw those freaky hand things at a trade show a few years ago – had been able to bring my son in and the sales rep tried to put one of those things on my son to “demonstrate how soothing they are”. I told her that I would much rather “demonstrate how fast I could fling that thing across the room” if it so much as put one fake freaky pinky on my son. She wasn’t amused. :-)I have to stick up for the birthing mom doll though – I don’t think I’d give them to anyone just for the heck of it, but I have heard of those dolls being perfect for explaining what birth is to kids who are going to have a new sibling. But they are a bit odd in their own way…and it bugs me to no end that once the baby doll is out, the mom doll’s belly stays floppy and saggy until the baby goes back in…
>Dammit and I was going to get you that Cry Analyzer. It reminds me of the game Operation. And that hand pillow is enough to send your baby boy to “I know I was touched” therapy for years and years!!!
>All weird and bizarre. That nursing cover has always pissed me off. Sure when I first started nursing I couldn’t help flashing a nip, but man you do it every day, all day long and you get good! I also have no patience for people who have a problem with it…so there is no way I’d drape myself with a tent!!!
>If you’re going to track your child using GPS, you might as well have a chip implanted behind their ear. Then you can track them wherever they go for LIFE. Especially useful during those teenage years. If you’re going to drop a chunk of cash, you might as well invest for the long haul!
>Peeing in public restrooms: I usually am wearing Nick so I just keep him strapped to me and go about my business. If you’re going to take the time to harness him into something like that, just strap it to you. LOL.
>A friend of mine just bought that doll for her kid at Christmas.I didn’t say anything…I mean what do you say while laying on the floor laughing or worrying about how totally messed that kid IS that they NEED this doll!
>Those are hysterical!!!They’re all peversely scary, except for maybe the bumper bonnet thing…and I only say that because my son does so LOVE to give himself concussions on a daily basis.
>I want that babykeeper thingy…I wonder if they make it in a larger size…I have visions of sticking my nine year old son into it and hanging him off his bedroom door.Just cause it would make a great blog post. That and it would be nice to finally see him off the floor and not glued to the playstation for once.Guess I’ll just stick with good old fashioned duct tape.
>How about a set of crib linens for $810? http://www.babybox.com/miprcrli.htmlThis set includes one crib sheet, a dust ruffle, a comforter, and a bumper. An extra crib sheet, should your infant dare to spit up or pee on this loveliness, is another $60.I also crack up whenever I see baby stuff that is dry clean only. For a five-year-old’s Easter dress: maybe. For a five-month-old who is constantly on the verge of destroying an outfit: never!
>You should definitely get that Babykeeper. Then, when Halloween comes around, hang your kid on the outside of the door, holding a bowl of sweets. Voila, halloween fun for all trick or treaters and an uninterrupted evening in front of the TV for you!
>So damn funny…you had me clearly “Laughing Out Loud”!!Ha…
>Tell me none of those things are real.Please.
>I sooooo wanted a “bumper bonnet” type gadget when my oldest was little. I did not even think about the fact that other children would avoid her like the plague 🙂
>Speechless and shocked at “The Infant Pillow”. OMG!
>The babykeeper..wow that looks comfortable.Who would use that?And that head protector..I needed that when my son was younger..he fell constantly but I’d wouldnt use it on the playground…LOL
>I really need that helmet thing for BT but does it have to LOOK so nerdy? Just because he throws himself backwards and runs head first in to walls doesnt mean hes headed for a life as a crash-test dummy does it?
>I like the gadget that tells you why Baby is crying. I have one of those, too. Their called my EARS. Although, I’m thinking it might be a good gift for my husband. So he can read my emotions better.
>http://babycage.net/babycage.phpThis is OBVIOUSLY a satirical website – I certainly hope no one takes it seriously.It would be funny to register for a Babycage though – LOL.
>These Billy Bob buckteeth pacifiers are hilarious…We never had one for our girls but I think they’d be great for a family reunion or Halloween…http://tinyurl.com/yqq3cc
>I’d like one of those baby hanging thing for adults. You could sneakily put your drunk friends in it when they are asleep, hang them up on a lamp post in the middle of the street, and then they’d wake in the morning and be like “what the…?”
>I’m laughing so hard….I mean come on…some of those are ridiculous…..LOL!
>Don’t register for a crack pipe. While you may find that you do in fact need a new one, it does tend to freak out the mother-in-law when she sees it on your list.
>um, but if you had all that crap you wouldn’t actually have to do anything, right? i mean, it’s all pretty much done for you, and when you are done, you can hang them back on the wall.i mean, are you SURE you don’t want that stuff?
>yes, the babycage is a joke, allbeit a funny one…http://www.museumofhoaxes.com/hoax/weblog/comments/3598/
>I vacillating between Ack! and Ew! as I scroll through these. The bumper bonnet is cracking me up.
>That doll is just so wrong! And the Babykeeper can’t be real, can it?Great list!
>That is HILARIOUS!!! I love the nursing cover!
>I really like the bumper helmet thing! I’m so accident prone that I think I should invest in one for myself…
>I do have to say that we use the Zakky pillows in the NICU to help with positioning the babies, and some moms use them to leave something with their scent on it for their preemies (i.e. take it home and sleep with it and then bring it back to the NICU to leave for the baby).The rest are creepy. Especially the baby hanger.