Blackballed

I haven’t written much about my spiritual life lately and the reason is that I’m struggling right now with something that’s embarrassing to me, something I don’t really like to talk about.

But this blog is an exercise in truth, and so many of you have hung around after I wrote about my faith earlier this year, sort of waiting to see what will happen next, that I feel like I owe it to you to tell you what’s going on.

Okay.

The cringeworthy fact of the matter is…

I’m a little bit mad at God right now.

I just stopped and waited about 30 seconds after I wrote that sentence, to see if my computer would explode, or if I’d keel over dead, the victim of a surprise brain aneurysm. I grew up in a small southern town, you know, and I still haven’t entirely escaped the notion that God might strike me down if I diss Him.

But really, my reason for being mad is so lame that I’m pretty sure you’re going to decide that I am completely ridiculous and immature. Doesn’t she realize that God has more important things to do than deal with her piddling hurt feelings? I can see you asking yourself as you read this post.

The answer is yes. I do. I totally do. I actually have trouble asking God for anything for myself, beyond letting me hang around this earth long enough to raise my children to adulthood. So many people need God’s help much more than I do.

Still. While I often don’t ask God directly for little things, I guess I do expect Him to provide me with what I need. And one of the major realizations I’ve had during the last five years or so that I’ve returned to regularly attending church is that in addition to the friends I have already, I need to be part of a Christian community. I need to have friends who understand what I’m going through spiritually, friends who can support me when I struggle and allow me to support them, too, friends who can debate Biblical issues and participate in Bible studies and help me stay focused on what’s really important.

For the last five years, I have done just about everything I could think of to attract those friends. I’ve joined Christian playgroups, Bible studies, church committees, and prayer chains. I’ve hosted church parties and events at my house. I’ve gone on spiritual retreats. I’ve attempted to connect with local Christian women that I thought I had something in common with, both one-on-one and in groups.

And I swear, I’ve never experienced more rejection. Sometimes that rejection has come in small ways and sometimes in ways that were so blatant and hurtful, I still can’t even believe it. I have gotten to know some amazing Christian women online and I’ve found a few more who live an hour or so away and can get together from time to time. But in terms of finding a viable community that I feel I fit into and that wants me around, I just keep striking out.

At first, I figured something was terribly wrong with me. Starting this blog and meeting tons of women helped me gain some perspective on that.

Because outside of the Christian stuff, I’m pretty darn good at making friends. I have a long list of people I can call up and get together with. When I invite them to do things, they accept. When I have parties, they show up. They even seem sort of… excited about it.

So what’s the problem? All I’ve come up with is that I just don’t fit inside the “Christian-approved friend” box. It doesn’t really help matters that I’m known in town for a blog that has (inadvertently!) incurred the wrath of Martina McBride, “intactivists,” and the Green Hills Moms Club, among others. Let’s be honest, it probably wouldn’t look good for business if word got out that I was part of your Sunshine Bible Club.

Unfortunately, I’ve already made the decision to be myself in front of the outside world, warts and all. I’m not trying to appear good before all of you, I’m trying to really, from-the-heart be good, and for me that is a process. Whether I’m feeling magnanimous and spiritual or judgmental and mean, I sort through it on this blog. Outside of the fact that it’s not endearing me to a local community I’ve been attempting to court for years, I think it’s the right thing to do.

But it’s not always the easiest thing to do.

This post comes late in the day because it’s been so difficult to write. It’s hard to put my feelings out there for public scrutiny. I’m still trying to follow God and make good choices, but I’m tired of trying to find this elusive Christian community I’ve been seeking, and I don’t really understand anymore what God has in mind here. I’m tired of opening myself up to more awkwardness and embarrassment. I’m tired of realizing that the only way to win the friends I’ve been seeking is to pretend to be someone other than me. I don’t really think God wants that.

But what does He want? I mean, seriously, God. What am I supposed to do? After five years of failure, isn’t this the time when a rational, thinking person stops and says, ENOUGH?

That said, please don’t think I’m fishing for invitations to your Bible study or women’s group, or that this post is directed at anyone in particular. I’m not and it isn’t, and the thought that this post would be taken either way is mortifying.

I guess I’m just at a point where I don’t really know what to do next. I’ll never give up on my faith in God. I still try to go to church each week and I still get a lot out of that experience. But beyond that, I’m beginning to think that I’m pretty much on my own. And if there’s anyone out there who’s felt this way and gotten through it (or not, and feels just like I do), I’d love to know about it.