>Book Crook Lesson Took

>This post originally appeared on the Nashville Scene blog, where it made many humorless library patrons very, very angry.

I’m pretty sure that I’m Public Library Enemy Number One.

For years, I’ve been checking out books and DVDs with wild abandon and then, uh, keeping them.

For months.

And now, the Library has finally thrown the book at me. It wasn’t that long ago that the librarians turned a blind eye to my antics, occasionally mailing me an overdue notice, which I’d totally ignore. In the meantime, I’d hit the Bellevue Branch at high noon, ready to take even more books home.

“You know you have four books out that are three months overdue, right?” the librarian would say at the check-out desk.

“Yes, is that a problem?”

“Oh no, it’s just that your total fines are up to $137.65. Mostly because you kept the Footballer’s Wives DVDs out for six weeks.”

“Uh huh. And?”

(long silence)

“Of course, you don’t have to pay for it now. Um, I’ll just go ahead and scan these books for you.”

This system worked very well for me. Whenever I got a particularly nasty librarian, I’d give her a fiver as hush money and she’d hand over my books without another word.

Times have changed.

A few weeks ago, after getting the usual late notices in the mail, I received a postcard ordering me to pay the cost of the books.

The hell?

My husband seemed worried, but I laughed it off.

“They’re just trying to scare me, but it’s not working! I assured him. “I’ll turn in my library books when I’m good and ready.”

A few weeks passed and an official-looking letter showed up in our mailbox. It was from a collection agency and it ordered me to hand in my books OR ELSE.

I could only imagine the phone call that was sure to follow.

“Listen, missy, you turn in those books or Library Pete’s gonna be payin’ you and your family a little visit. And he’ll teach you what ‘Checking out’ really means.”

I returned the library books the next day. I haven’t been back since.

I’m sure they’re all smirking to themselves right now that their new hardball tactics were long overdue.