>Confessions of a Stay-at-Home-Mom
>This post originally appeared in the Nashville Scene.
In the heart of suburban Nashville, a group of women meets each Tuesday night at a local Starbucks. Seated in a hastily formed circle of chairs, husbands and children noticeably absent, their sole purpose in gathering is to bitch about being stay-at-home moms.
“My husband gets home from work and thinks he can…“
“…then I cupped my hands like this and let her puke in them-“
“…so finally, I told my in-laws that if they say one more thing about Timmy’s A.D.D., I’ll…“
On and on they babble, tripping over each other’s words, growing more shrill and cacophonous by the minute until they literally drive other patrons from their tables. I happen to know that all of these women live in the same upscale neighborhood down the road but to hear them talk, you’d imagine that they’re trapped in dank and dirty hovels that no amount of 409 could salvage, prisoners of tiny, preschool-aged tyrants and thankless husbands who will never understand the sacrifices these women have made for their families.
Bullshit.
Despite what you’re hearing in the aisles of T.J. Maxx and on Oprah, I’ve got news you won’t read in any issue of Family Fun: being a stay-at-home mom is not that hard.
I realize I’ve just made a bunch of frosted, bobbed heads explode in subdivisions across Middle Tennessee. I don’t care. I’ve lived among the minivan-driving SAHM set for nearly five years now and it’s time someone called their bluff.
Because I can tell you from experience that for every night spent cleaning up the effects of Rotavirus, there’s an entire day spent eating marshmallows from the bag and watching Disney movies in our pajamas. For every disdainful glance at my house slipper-and-jeans combo from a disapproving supermarket bagboy, there are 25 sloppy hugs and kisses from my tiny “employees” at home. For every interminable hour spent re-reading Mr. Brown Can Moo, there’s a child-free hour or two I can wrangle for myself with the help of babysitters and friends.
I know there are those who don’t fit cozily beneath my blanket statement: single moms, moms suffering from a disability or depression or addiction, moms with special needs children and moms who stay at home not by choice, but because they can’t get a job that pays enough for them to afford daycare. You can just cancel that e-mail to the editor right now because I’m not talking about you. I’m talking about the Bugaboo stroller-pushing Green Hills Mall mommies, the Westhaven poolside mommies and the Lexus SUV-driving mommies, those jewelry-drenched women whose bitching I hear every time I’m within 50 feet of them. This one hates her daughter’s preschool teacher. That one is sick of being treated like the maid. Sometimes, I admit, I’m part of their hysterical SAHM whinefest. But while I realize we all need to vent, I’d like to know when it became all the rage for stay-at-home moms to establish themselves as suburban martyrs, hair shirts peeping out from beneath their pastel Polos. I put the question to some of my readers and received a flood of impassioned responses on both sides of the issue.
“I know people with all kinds of jobs and they all think they work harder than anyone else realizes,” wrote a mom in St. Louis. “Why shouldn’t stay-at-home parents feel the same way? Isn’t there something in the Constitution about the right to bitch and moan?”
“I think being an at home mom was one of the hardest things I have EVER done,” wrote Barbara. “I have had very demanding jobs [but] I think being ‘on’ 24/7 was much more difficult.”
“Both times I’ve been a SAHM, I’ve had to go on Prozac,” claimed a Hendersonville mom. “You figure it out.”
But plenty of other readers agreed with me that staying at home with the kids is far less stressful and more fulfilling than, for example, a job at the Tennessean.
“Since I have been both a stay-at-home mom and a full time working mom, I can honestly say the full time working mom job is harder,” wrote Jana. “I still have to do everything I always did while at home, only I have to work it in between working 40 hours a week. Being a stay-at-home mom should be looked at as a gift…of time, which is what all moms need more of.”
“Overall, it isn’t nearly as bad as we like to make our hubbies think it is,” wrote Karly. “Don’t tell mine I said that, though.”
But it was a reader named Virginia who cut to the heart of the dispute.
“The biggest thing about being a SAHM that I hate is that it’s a completely unappreciated job,” she wrote, “and that’s the reason I often exaggerate how difficult my day was in conversation.”
And exaggeration I can understand. The trouble is, too many of you out there are starting to believe your own hype.
>Love your “Nashville Scene” column. I don’t live in Nashville but I’ve been a SAHM for 18 years with a cleaning lady, drop-in day care when they were little, and grandma 4 blocks away. Where are the comments? I won’t comment but I want to read them.
>Sorry, I left out part of my comment above, how I know many people in my situation that complain up and down about how difficult their lives are and I just don’t see it. I wasn’t just telling you how easy my life is.
>I’d love to see the comments too. Your article gave me a chuckle. I am new the the SAHM thing, and I think it is hard, but in a totally different, more rewarding way. I got lots of recognition and awards at my “real” job, but was not happy. I’m much more relaxed and happy now, though I would like the start working a little bit if not just for a reason to wear high heels. Oh, and to feel smart.
>I like it when you link your other columns! It’s like a BOGO and I didn’t even have to BO!
>Okay- here’s the link to the original SAHM post. There are lots of comments on both sides of the issue.
>Ah, just read your Scene column. I was a full-time reporter at the Tennessean for 14 years and currently spend my days in the unpaid employ of a 3.5-year-old girl. Some days, it seems, covering a plane crash on deadline would be much easier…but then there are blissful days of zoo visits and art in the kitchen and making cupcakes. Not a bad life at all, despite my own regular whining.
>I guess I’m lucky because I don’t feel all that disrespected for being a SAHM. Trust me, I got some terrible looks when I told people I was a junior high math teacher. Maybe some of you are putting that feeling on to yourselves out of some kind of guilt for leaving the work force. My sister did that to herself. Then she went back to work, realized how good she had it at home, and now she stays home again. I love staying at home with my kids. I also realize that not everyone is cut out to stay at home. And honestly, I don’t know how I’d cook, clean, wipe bottoms, etc, and maintain a full time job. And while it sucks when they are sick…at least you don’t have to stress about who’s gonna miss work to take care of the sick one.You are the mom 24/7 regardless of your work status. And yes, I’ve worked full time, part time, and in the home since I’ve had my kids.
>People complain all the time because they have a need that is not being met. They complain because sometimes it just feels good to let it out. They complain because they feel they’re not being heard or respected. They complain to people in similar situations because they know that there’s a good chance that person’s been through the same thing and will understand. I’d like to read an article that would offer solutions to the issues that have had women at each other’s throats for centuries. I’m not sure that what you wrote helped lessen the division between women who get a check and women who don’t.Then again, you might have just been letting off steam.FWIW
>I think it’s a hard job if you’d rather be somewhere else, and vice versa.The key is knowing that home is where you’d rather be. Not that you always WANT to be there, but that you chose to be there rather than not seeing your kids all day.That’s the key.You have to decide what you want and take the punches.I like the last line of your column. I also think the column about HUBS was cute.
>Oh, and I think it must be GOD-AWFUL hard to be a SAHM if you don’t have support and understanding from your spouse. If I was expected to have the house clean every day at the end of the day, and if I didn’t get support for going to conferences and school and all the stuff that keeps me sane, I really think I would feel like I was going crazy. I wrote a post about this on father’s day in response to your post. Don’t know if you ever saw it. Generally, though, I think the hard part comes in being a mom, not in whether you stay home or not. I think being a mom is harder than working without being a mom, but I don’t see hard as necessarily a bad thingAgain, thanks again, Lindsey for putting it all out there for us.
>I think how hard being at SAHM is all in how you define “hard”. I worked part-time after the twins were born for one year, full time for one year and then came home to be with them full time (they are almost 5 now). The tasks I now do each day are not necessarily hard – laundry, crafts, play, clean, cook, etc. What I do find hard is finding a sense of balance in what I feel I “should” do as a SAHM and what I feel I “need” to do to maintain my sanity. That is really the most difficult part for me. I loved working because it gave my brain something to do while filling my need for that precious adult interaction every mother needs, but staying at home requires a little less brain power and more labor intensive strength. Staying at home fills more of my heart’s needs than my brain’s needs as a mother. I’m probably babbling, but blogging is part of my SAHM therapy, so I’m going with it – ha!
>Thank you Lindsay!!!I have NEVER been quoted in a newspaper article before today, so my day has been made! I read you every morning because you always make me laugh and your blog themes always start the most interesting conversations my office has ever had.
>Totally writing about and linking your article today. I’ve been really thinking about all of this lately. While some of my days are hectic (for example, right now I’m trying to finish all of my writing for next week because we’re, oh, picking up and going to the beach for a week… so that kind of dulls the whining I might be inclined to do)… and it just hits home with me. Thanks for having the hutzpah to say out loud what others are thinking. 🙂 (Also, thanks for including that it’s okay to rant from time to time! Amen!)
>I love the SAHM column. very true! I think there are somedays I don’t get out of my pj’s until I have to get ready for work at 6pm! I also love the partening.com blog very cute. Can’t wait to have great conversation like that with my 2 girls.
>I loved all of the columms, but especially the SAHM one (which seems to have struck a chord, it would seem from the comments here!). I am guilty of complaning, but my main problem is not feeling like I am appreciated a lot of times, especially as I do have a son with Asperger’s Syndrome, which just tired me out some days! I do feel like the maid sometimes and do feel taken for granted more than sometimes, but I wouldn’t trade it to go back to work, at least not at this point when they’re so young. And my husband is SO supportive, that when I suggest picking up a pt job to bring in a little “fun money” he tells me I already have a full-time job here and not to worry about it. But anyway…I ramble. Keep up the great posts!
>Some folks may not like the links to other sites where bloggers write, but I LOVE it. That way I get to read all your stuff without having to track the separate sites.
>I think that it all depends on your personality. I tried to be a SAHM when my son was born and failed miserably at it. It was too hard for me.Now my mother, on the other hand, was well-suited to the job. She is crafty and creative and loves to spend time with kids. I don’t particularly enjoy interacting with kids for long stretches of time, especially the younger they are.My (ex)husband became the stay-at-home parent when it all became too much for me and he was well-suited to it as well. Again, it had a lot to do with his ability to find interesting and engaging things to do and not to get as stressed out over the things that kids do, simply because they are kids.I LOVE that there are people in the world who can take on the role of full-time parent with ease and enjoyment, but I think that making blanket statements of “It’s not hard” is really unfair to a lot of people who are simply not capable of being in that situation.That said, I now work in a high-stress environment, spend 12 hours at work as a project manager and commuting and find the entire thing really simple… but I know that it’s not a easy job, and a lot of people wouldn’t enjoy it or find it as fitting as I do it’s just one that works really well for me.
>Amen to the Scene column. I’m a SAHM and I’ve got it freaking made.
>Girl I have been saying this for a LONG time (since I have had kids and been a SAHM of course.) I even wrote a post on it last year. I’ll find the link and send it to you… hopefully. Although, you TOTALLY said it better:)
>Wow! You’ve got a pretty big chip on your shoulder. I don’t read you often but when I do you always seem to be passing judgements and putting other women down. Says a lot about your integrity. You often make generalizations about women who have nice things or comfortable lifestyles. Shall I remind you of your playgroup posts? You often paint moms who have items of luxury in a bad light which makes you appear jealous. Doesn’t make you very likeable. I wouldn’t want to hang out with you knowing you are sizing me up by where I live and what I do or don’t have. Save you from the plastic people? I think you need to save yourself from you. What I took from your latest article is that you feel only those SAHM’s who are single, down on their luck, SAHM not by choice, or have a special needs child have a right to complain. But if you live in a big house, drive nice cars, have a cleaning lady, etc then you have no right to complain. How could their life be THAT hard? Wow, that’s harsh. Just because a mom has “nice things” or an expendable bank account doesn’t mean she’s without problems. Why do you feel a need to put down woman who do feel being a SAHM is hard work? If you don’t want to hear a mom complain then don’t listen. Get a new group of friends. Lord knows those women need someone more supportive than your condescending eye rolls. I personally am tired of your complaining. You recently blasted a company that kicked you out of a party that you crashed but then you go on to call out bloggers who complained about not always feeling welcomed by other bloggers at BlogHer. What a hypocrite. I have grown tired of you my dear. It saddens me that you are a “voice” of SAHM’s. I believe in supporting other mothers. We are all doing the best we can and your “voice” does nothing but divide us. Why don’t you start treating people how you want to be treated? Even better, why don’t you start writing something more interesting than your bitchy commentary about other women? It’s only a matter of time before your readers tire of YOUR whining. You need to grow up. Who is in turmoil here? You? The people you judge? Your readers? Go get a reality check, my dear.
>Why am I thinking you’re a Green Hills MOMS Club member? It’s just a hunch…I love that you believe in supporting other mothers. That’s like saying you believe in supporting people with brown eyes. I support some other mothers, but there are other mothers I don’t support at all. I don’t support well-off SAHMs with no extenuating circumstances who whine all the time. I don’t support myself when I whine all the time. And as for your comment, you can find out what I think of it by reading this wonderful article, written by one of my favorite writers.
>I may not be a stay at home mom yet, but I do work two jobs and keep up on the house. I think that Virginia hit a home run on her comment about it isn’t the hardest job but it is the most unappreciated one. As the saying goes, “No one notices all the things you do until you don’t do them”. Also I just wanted to say that I love your writing. I have found that looking at you I am basically looking into my future. My boyfriend has a 14 year old daughter and a 5 year old son, so once we get married I will become a stepmom. Eventually I will want two children of my own, and in turn become a stay at home mom. So thank you for writing all your experiences you have been through, and giving me a little heads up of what will come.
>I think I said it before in a totally sarcastic, cheeky way but I’ll just reinforce that I totally agree with you about the SAHM thing. I used to be in that “woe-is-me” crowd not that long ago. When people would compliment me on being a SAHM and say how hard it was, I could quickly put on a harried expression and bask in their pity of my plight. But somewhere along the way it finally occurred to me that I was “doing” (being a SAHM) exactly what I’d always wanted to do. Why should I gripe and complain about it. For me, I have the best situation in the world (again emphasizing – for me). Now when I get that feigned sympathy for being a SAHM, I just shrug and say, “It’s really not that bad. It works for me!”
>Good column. Unfortunately, it’s easier to commiserate with someone who’s bitching than someone who has something uplifting to say. Or at least it is here in Georgia. As I sit here, surfing the web, drinking a Diet Coke while Jr is on the floor entertaining himself for five minutes, I think that there’s nothing easier, and God KNOWS how much it rules to not answer to The Establishment. Not saying there aren’t hard days, but I too get really friggin’ tired of the whining of my cohorts. That said, I think that boredom is what stems some of these dangerous and absurd parenting trends. I’m going to keep them to myself, but I’m sure you can think of a few yourself, as you’ve picked on them in the past!Diet Coke break is over. Back to the hard work…