Crybaby
I haven’t written about this before, mostly because it wasn’t the least bit funny, but Bruiser is recovering right now from reflux. That means heartburn, for the uninitiated. The diagnosis was a long and scary process, including multiple visits to doctors and a pediatric ENT specialist, a microscopic camera pushed down both nostrils and into his throat as he screamed and I held his arms down, and a trip to the children’s hospital for a ton of x-rays.
Fortunately, everything was normal and reflux (which I had always suspected, based on his symptoms) was the ultimate diagnosis, but imagine an overly serious ENT telling you, “I want to get some x-rays done so that we can check for any shadows in his chest,” about your 4-week-old son. It’s chilling. And fuck her. She could easily have said, “I’m pretty sure it’s reflux, but I’d like to get some x-rays done just to rule everything out and give everyone peace of mind.” But no. She had to bring up “shadows.” Gah.
Anyway, Brusier’s on Prevacid now and he’s a different baby. A smiling, gurgling, occasionally fussy baby. But a few weeks ago, things were very different. He cried and screamed a lot and nothing I did seemed to help all that much.
I’m a calm person by nature, but all the crying, particularly when Punky would decide to join in for fun, at times drove me to my limit. “You are really annoying me,” I told Bruiser one day, immediately feeling guilty for saying that to my own child, who obviously couldn’t help the crying. Even now, when he starts crying, it’s literally the most irritating, gut wrenching noise I can imagine. Because he doesn’t just waaah, he screams and carries on like he’s being branded with a hot poker, often without any prior buildup. “When he cries like that, I literally feel like I’m being tortured,” I told Hubs one night. “I get so frustrated. I seriously understand for the first time why shaken baby syndrome is a problem.”
Because if I get that stressed, how much worse is it for parents who have hot tempers and are prone to rages? Or parents with colicky babies that literally cry for hours on end? I take deep breaths and sing lullabys, which seem to calm me down more than Bruiser, or I try to laugh about it and ask him why he’s acting like such a baby– but how do parents with less patience manage?
I decided to write about this topic after happening upon this newspaper article early this morning while I was up feeding Bruiser. The 9-1-1 call the mother made (which you can listen to online, if you can bear it) is absolutely horrifying. I listened to it and cried and hugged Bruiser and thanked God I had never gotten to that point. And I hope that by posting this story, as tragic as it is, it might just help another mother out there realize that she’s nearing her breaking point and that she needs to call her doctor and get help.
I’ve found personally that moms only talk about their happiness and contentment when they brought their newborn home from the hospital. But I know I can’t be the only one who found the first six weeks to be incredibly difficult with both babies. I encourage you to write about it in the comments of this post if you struggled with your patience or emotions during the first few weeks. I can’t help but think that someone (not to mention me!) will benefit from reading about others’ experiences.
>Parenting an infant was the hardest thing I have ever done. I was totally overwhelmed, and I would get so *pissed* about everything. I nursed my daughter, and those first 2 months were so hard. I didn’t know that you would have a baby attached to you every two hours for weeks and weeks. I hated being alone with her, because I felt like couldn’t handle being a mom. Thank god for one supportive husband and one supportive best friend, because I was losing it.The good news is, now at almost 2, my daughter is everything to us and so much fun to be with. It does get easier, and you learn! Kiddos don’t come with manuals, but if they did I think chapter one should be IT WILL SUCK AT FIRST! Hang in there!
>I remember when the twins were about two weeks old, I’d get one to sleep and then the other would wake up and it would go on like that all night long! I’ll never forget just bursting in to tears and saying “I just don’t know what to do for you any more”I laugh when I tell that story now,but it sure as hell wasn’t funny then.My daughter J had reflux too. Her ped prescribed Zantac and told us to add a little cereal to her bottled breastmilk and to keep her upright. Worked like a charm and she fortunately recovered within a couple of months!Hope Bruiser does too!
>I had to comment again because I just now read the article and braved the audio.My heart sank and I began to shake. That is just the most horrific thing ever. I can’t even begin to imagine!Fortunately even in my most crazed moments I was never, ever driven to such extremes.It is important that we as moms are honest with one another (thanks Lindsay for opening the door w/this post) and support one another because motherhood isn’t easy!
>I think that there have been those “moments” with every one of my children. But my last (4th) was the hardest. I remember bursting into his room one day, ripping him out of his crib and screaming, “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??!!!” Immediately I felt that gut-wrenching guilt upon such utterance. He was just a very difficult baby, but it wasn’t his fault. He wasn’t TRYING to be so difficult! And a difficult baby is hard enough, but he had three siblings, the oldest of whom was just 4 at the time. It was a bit overwhelming sometimes. I’m like you in that I’m normally chilled out and happy and I take it all in stride. But this was a very hard time during my life. Hubby and I made a deal with our first baby that when one of us is reaching a breaking point during the night while tending a baby, we just come in and hand off the baby and the other one of us will just take over, no questions asked. I won’t check the link or listen to the phonecall. I don’t think I can bear it… But I AM glad you brought up this issue. This motherhood thing is hard stuff!
>My son was colicky. I had just turned 18, was living 600 miles away from my entire family and circle of friends and I was a SAHM without a car. All of those would have been enough, but I was also trying to live up to an unrealistic expectation of trying to be someone I’m not and deciding that I was a horrible mother for not being the “Let’s make play-doh and bake cookies!” type of mom.I have firmly maintained that there is a point in time, and I think this is true for every parent at some point, where you have to make a conscious decision whether or not you’re going to hit your child and that is a frightening moment. If it’s not a question of shaking, it may be a question of hitting or some other physical abuse.For me, I wasn’t a calm person at 18. I was high-strung and prone to outbursts, but I made the effort – every time and believe me, it took EFFORT – to set the baby down and walk out of the room. Having the cat follow me around and give me accusing stares and meows was much easier to deal with than a child who could not be comforted.We adapt. We have to. Frankly, I think there’s some measure of Darwinism in there. If you’re not capable of adapting to adverse (parenting) situations, then you shouldn’t be a parent. The extremes of this are those who are parents, but not for very long.
>Oh MY…that was hard to listen to…I had to stop less then a third of the way through. It’s SO obvious that she didn’t set out to kill her child…but oh my God.My daughter had reflux. She spent the first 6 weeks of her life sleeping in her bouncy seat, which kept her elevated enough to prevent the worst of it. She was on Reglan for several months. We had tried to elevate her bassinet, but it didn’t work, she’d end up in a crunched up ball at the bottom. I did manage to survive that one okay. My son, however, was a different story.Like Bruiser, my son SCREAMED at the top of his lungs. But he didn’t have reflux…he had milk allergies. He had EVERYTHING allergies. Nothing I ate was safe. He had problems with it all – I was down to rice and water, and it STILL caused problems. I spent many nights crying like him, WITH him, BECA– USE of him, and in SPITE of him. When we finally went through a severe bout of thrush and I gave up nursing, we ran out of regular formula and I used the sample of soy we had gotten. He was a BRAND NEW CHILD. I suffered for 5 months not knowing. Had I only known, I would have switched to soy SO MUCH EARLIER!That being said – listening/reading about that mom putting down her child roughly and that’s what killed him…I’m surprised I am not in prison. I’ve done that once or twice. NOT a pretty thing to see/do. I still cringe when I think about it. Took me the better part of 6 months with my DAUGHTER to realize I had post-partum depression and got something for it.I urge ANY mom who has frustration to NOT take it out on your child. I guess I was just lucky…I could be the mom on that tape. If you’re scared that you’re going to hurt your child, put him/her down GENTLY in the crib, and LEAVE THE ROOM. Go outside, call a friend, neighbor family member, spouse or someone else for help…but don’t go back in that child’s room unless you are SURE you won’t hurt him/her.ASK FOR HELP. It doesn’t mean you’re weak, it doesn’t make you less of a mother. If you’re nursing and your baby can’t deal, switch to bottles. Don’t try to be a hero at the cost of your own sanity. Don’t let anyone tell you that there’s nothing wrong. WORK for the answers you need.
>Newborns are hard. The lack of sleep, the incessant crying, it all gets to you at some point. Our 6th child was the worst. After the first couple of weeks or so, she started crying constantly and couldn’t keep her food down. Multiple trips to the doctor, multiple changes from breast, to several different types of formula. We tried all kinds of crazy ways to feed/sleep her and nothing worked. She would cry and cry for hours, vomitting frequently. I was so sick of cleaning up and listening to that crying. I was getting no sleep. The doctors had no clue what was wrong with her. One day (at 6 weeks old) she stopped wetting her diapers. Then I noticed a fingerprint she had left on her eye that wasn’t washing away. I rushed her to the pediatrician and finally, her doctor did the right tests, figured out what was wrong with her and surgery corrected the problem. I really don’t know how much longer I could have lasted. I vividly remember a lot of crying (me) and saying things like “Please, for God’s sake, please just shut up and sleep for a little while. Please” Mothering a newborn can be overwhelming – no matter how much experience you have.
>I shook my baby once. There. I said it. It’s the first time I’ve ever told anyone.I don’t think I shook him very hard, or for very long. He’d been crying and crying. And crying and crying. And I couldn’t figure out what was wrong. As soon as I started I realized what I was doing and we just sort of looked at each other, perfectly still, stunned at what had just happened. I’ve never lost it since that one time, because I scared myself so much.I tried listening to the 911 call but had to stop. It was too much. That woman could have been me. She could have been anyone.
>Wow, Jennifer. Thank you for sharing that. I think that we all like to believe that only ignorant, fringe types would resort to shaking (or in the Winnipeg woman’s case, killing) their babies. What a wakeup call to realize that women just like us are suffering. I think the really disturbing thing about the phone call, like some of you have mentioned, is that the woman sounds like she could have been anyone I know.
>I don’t remember much from those first few postpartum weeks, but I do clearly remember thinking about throwing my daughter out the (first-story) window. I didn’t really want to hurt her; I was just. so. tired.It helps for new moms to read posts like yours, but we mothers who have been through the fire should be proactive in talking to new moms that we know, just asking them how they’re doing and offering concrete help–can I come stay with the baby while you nap, can I bring you dinner, can I go with you while you shop–and remind them that help is only a phone call away.
>I shook my kid, too. She was about two months old. And she was crying. And I couldn’t get her to stop. And I just shook her — not violently, but enough to make me think about how easy it is to do.That experience has forever changed the way I think about how parents can inadvertently hurt their kids.
>When my firstborn was 2, he was diagnosed with Autism. Which made sense, what with how difficult a newborn he was. Let me illustrate:He was the only infant I’ve met who hated to be touched so much that he would scream inconsolably; this nasty high pitched scream until he was put down. Breastfeeding, although I tried my damndest, was a complete joke.From about 4pm to 10 pm he screamed and nothing anyone could do would help. Not the swing, not the bouncy seat, not being walked, not being driven, not the stroller would help in the slightest.And he had his days and nights completely mixed up. During those dark early weeks, I used to fantasize about throwing BOTH of us out the window. Needless to say, it really made me understand how children got shaken baby syndrome.Thankfully I can report that he is now a happy 5 year old who has no recollection of those days, and my second child (a couple of weeks younger than Bruiser) clings to me like a deer tick. Not sure that this is any easier, since he will ONLY GO TO ME, but at least I haven’t convinced myself that he hates me.
>My daughter was colicky. It was a nightmare. For the first four months of her life, if she wasn’t sleeping (which she rarely did during the day, thankfully she did sleep at night, but only when snuggled up to me in my bed) or eating, she was crying. No, not crying, SCREAMING. FOR FOUR MONTHS STRAIGHT. I could not leave the house for four months. I would usually end up crying right along with her. My son was a much easier baby. He was not fussy much at all, and also by then I had read “Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child,” and “The Happiest Baby on the Block” so I was armed with much more knowledge about why babies cry and how to soothe them. But, yeah, the first four months with my daughter was horrific. I wouldn’t wish a colicky baby on anyone.
>I will not even go listen to that, I can’t. Sometimes the new mom herself may not realize that she needs a break till she gets out by herself and then comes back so much more relaxed. Moms NEED to take a break sometimes and her family, husband, mother, or other close family NEED to realize that and help her.It’s not the time for the new mother to think she has to be SuperMom, or for families or friends to just think, “Well, she wanted a baby and she got one, now she can see what it’s like or what I went through…blah-blah-blah.”I’ve heard that happen a lot.It’s time to step in and BE a friend or a sister or a mom and help the new mother. Call her, go hang out with her and the baby, offer to go shopping with her and help keep an eye on the baby while she tries on clothes, or offer to babysit while the new mother takes a break.Those are all things I wished I had when I had my babies.
>I once awoke from a sound sleep to my crying newborn firstborn, and just involuntarily muttered at him, “Shut the fuck up!” before becoming totally horrified at myself. I was just SO TIRED. After the first baby, I was less knocked flat by the lack of sleep (I also breastfed and co-slept after my first baby, which meant I got a lot more sleep). But I will never forget the feeling of sleep deprived semi-insanity with that first newborn.
>Wow.This is eye-opening to read all these experiences. I’ve had friends tell me just how hard it is to parent a newborn, but occasionally something like this drives the reality home. I know this is probably a crazy suggestion, especially coming from somebody who doesn’t know the first thing about mothering a newborn, but do you think it would help if hospitals kept new mother and baby for an extra 24-48 hours to give mom a chance to get caught up on sleep after the delivery process?I know that’s got to be a drop in the bucket, but with reading all of these stories about how hard it is, it just seems like going into it with a huge sleep deficit from the delivery can’t help but make matters worse.
>i am not gunna go to that story, but i am sending you (((HUGS)))
>I realized I had postpartum when I walked by my deep freeze and wanted to put my baby inside it. It made perfect sense to me at the time, I would take her out and thaw her later when I had some sleep. Thank goodness I had a husband that also recognized my symptoms and helped me get some help. Still to this day I am frightened by how normal the thought sounded in my head. It made perfect sense to me. And yes I did feel like a bad mother for a long time, but I’ve used this story to show my friends that are dealing with the same problem that they’re not the only ones, and it’s okay to ask for help.
>I had horrible post-partum depression after my first child. The best way I can describe how I felt was that I had no skin; I emotionally felt like a lump of oozing bloody flesh. Thank God that my newborn was an easy baby; he slept at least 4 hours at a time from the very beginning. But there were times when I imagined doing horrible things to him. The guilt was unimaginable. I refused to take anti-depressants because I hated the numb way they made me feel–I’d rather cry all day than feel nothing at all. Instead, I talked to a counselor about my feelings and she helped me get through it. The post-partum depression passed almost overnight when my baby was a few months old. He’s now 14 and has a younger brother. I didn’t have post-partum after my second child.I would say to mothers of newborns–don’t isolate yourself. Talk to your doctor, friends, relatives, and don’t feel guilty if you have negative feelings at times about your child. Just don’t let them build up.
>I can’t listen, either. But I just want to tell you how sorry I am that you’ve had to deal with the whole reflux thing. My son had it, too, and it was absolutely horrible. (Now he’s 3 and he still has it, but it doesn’t bother him as much.) I am sure the stress of living with his reflux contributed to my post-partum depression in some way. Ultimately, the two things that helped him cope with reflux were Zantac and the Tucker Sling (www.tuckersling.com), which essentially velcroes the baby to the high end of an elevated crib mattress. I swear, it saved my sanity. Well, that plus Paxil and a good therapist.Two things I wish I had known before I had my first child were: 1. that you don’t have to be suicidal or want to harm your child to have post-partum depression and 2. if a baby is miserable after feedings and/or while lying flat on his back, investigate reflux.
>My mom came to visit me two weeks after I had the baby and I was a bitch to her! I was not the happy mom that people expected. I wanted my mom to leave as she was getting on my nerves.
>I read all of these comments and as a mom whose only child is now 19 years old? I can still remember that exhaustion of her as a newborn and me as a mom trying to learn the whole breast feeding thing. And her not getting it. And the crying. And the exhaustion. And the crying. And how utterly painful nearly every. single. moment. of those first three months were. Thank goodness for every bit of support a new mother can get from anyplace. Tell every new mother that you know to accept the help. That it will not always be happiness and light. And open your heart and help her. Gawd babies are tough. I commend everyone who goes through it more than once. I couldn’t have!
>I would have SO benefitted from reading this when WonderBaby was a newborn – she had reflux, and it took forever to figure it out.You rock.
>I have three children, now 24, 12, and 5. The first was supereasy; the last is supereasy. The middle one’s first 8 years were excruciating, until his ADHD was diagnosed and treated and we got him a good individualized education plan. I so understand extreme frustration, depression, anger, and isolation!But I want to tell moms and dads with “colicky” babies about a most excellent book, for which I was lucky enough to be the freelance copyeditor: Colic Solved: The Essential Guide to Infant Reflux and the Care of Your Crying, Difficult-to-Soothe Baby, by Bryan Vartabedian, MD. I was lucky that none of my children had reflux. But if your child is “colicky,” get this book now and run with it to your pediatrician!
>So sorry about your reflux troubles. We were lucky in that we had no medical problems with our children. Our firstborn, breastfeeding difficulties aside, was a relatively easy baby (in hindsight). Our second born was hellishly hard. She wanted to be held constantly and nurse constantly, but sometimes wanted only to suck and not get milk, but yet she refused all artificial nipples. And to have to attempt to care for another child on top of that…hard, just friggin hard.The clincher was just as you described Bruiser’s crying to be: she’d scream like you were torturing her when anyone BUT ME held her. For five months. So for five months I essentially got no break, no sleep, no alternate care for baby or me. And if I did dare, all I heard in the background was crying and my husband getting frustrated. What you said to Bruiser was mild compared to what I whispered into my second-born’s ear one night after being up with her for 6 hours straight. It’s something I don’t even like repeating. I look at her now and feel so much love for her that I can’t believe I was ever at the breaking point. But I was.I’m glad your troubles seem to be getting better, and glad your son isn’t being tortured by his digestive system! What we do for our children…
>I can’t even try to listen to the tape after reading the story. It breaks my heart. But, sadly, I’ve been there, too. When my son was newborn, I remember that when he’d wake up crying to be fed, I’d wake up and lay in bed wondering if I could just leave and he’d be better off without me. Thankfully, I had a good Dr and a good husband. Having a baby who’s very cry chills you to the bone and those cries never seem to cease is so difficult…even for an experienced mother. We understand yet we don’t talk to each other about it. When, the talking about it alone may have been just the medicine I needed in those days. Thank you Lindsey.
>Lindsay, thank you SO much for posting this. I am finding a great deal of solace in your story and in everyone else’s. In one of my darker moments, I too grabbed my baby out of her crib and screamed “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!” at the top of my lungs. I mean I really screamed it, so loud that my throat hurt for the rest of the day. I regretted it as soon as the words left my lips. The look on her face made me feel like I had completely betrayed her. Thanks again for opening up a conversation about this. This is the stuff that moms need to get out in the open!
>I had twins when my oldest was 20 mos old. One of the twins had reflux and SCREAMED from day one. Thank God, and I don’t know why, but she did sleep fairly well at night. That saved me. But she screamed all day. And when she wasn’t screaming, she was eating and then puking. It was SO hard. I had no family or help. It is mostly like a blur now (the kids are 9 and almost 11 now) but when I think back on it or look at photos from that time, I laugh and ask my husband, “How did we do it??”
>I’ve never, ever heard of a mother that didn’t have a hard time postpartum. Anyone that says it was easy has forgotten. I am a postpartum doula and I can tell you that even when you are having your 7th baby you are not impervious to the postpartum difficulties. I myself had such a hard time that I am thinking that I don’t want anymore babies. But even though it is really really hard these little people sure do make the world a brighter place =)
>My daughter had “colic.” We tried Zantac, we tried everything. Mainly, I sat on the sofa and alternately vegged out with the TV or cried along with her for hours and months on end. We were living in Florida then, with no family or really any friends around. At the time, there was a local couple who was arrested for killing their three month old son. He had alcohol poisoning. My first thought? Colic. Even at 10 months my husband would say to me, “Is she ever going to be happy?” At 12 months a relative asked me, “Do you think there’s something wrong with her?”Now at 18 months, you’d never know she had it so bad. She’s a joy. When I think of it, I’m amazed the three of us came through it intact. I’m very proud of the patience I developed. I’m proud of her for loving me in spite of me not being able to soothe her (though thank God for breastfeeding and co-sleeping, we never would’ve made it otherwise).I try not to think of the beginning of her life too often, because of the disappointment I still feel in not being able to enjoy this baby I worked so hard for. How the nurses at the hospital nicknamed her “violent Violet” and didn’t even wheel me out of the hospital (I walked out, sobbing). How the nurse at my OB called her spoiled when I went in for my checkup when she was a month old and she wouldn’t stop crying. How I couldn’t leave the house, couldn’t get her to stay asleep for longer than 30 minutes at a time, couldn’t do the laundry or clean up or anything that didn’t have to do with taking care of her most immediate needs. Oh, how overwhelmed I was.But then I think about how thankful I am that this sweet little soul came to us, we who would protect her and nurture her. We long ago decided to think of her fussiness as “getting what she wants” – a positive in the long run.She’s my girl; I wouldn’t trade her for anything.
>My Mom gave me that same advice”If the baby won’t stop crying and you are frustrated or angry just set the baby in the crib, shut the door and walk outside for awhile. It won’t matter if he cries in his crib or cries in your arms, but it will matter if you get let yourself get out of control.”
>My daughter was a barfer. She barfed on me so many times the first year that I stopped wiping it off before I went to work. I’d get to the office and people would point out the vomit on my shoulder and I’d be all “Oh, just the one shoulder today? Not both?”I had my son a year later and he taught me about projectile vomit. I was also amazed at what filled his diapers. A new pediatrition worked with us and discovered he was lactose intolerant. My barfy baby was too. Seems that first doctor was wrong, she wasn’t barfy. She suffered from lactose intolerance and reflux. For a fricking year. Thanks Dr. #1 I appreciate all of your help. I’ll trust my instincts next time.Sometimes the first part can suck. When baby teaches you what you need to know it gets a lot better. Hopefully nobody else has a doctor that sucks. Don’t they get it? They have so much power over our peace of mind…..
>Having two babies with reflux, I understand. Dealt with surgery due to reflux, feeding tube, heart/apnea monitor, numerous medications, CPR to revive several times…God that wasn’t meant to scare. My sons’ were obviously extreme cases. But it was a frightening experience and stressful to say the least. I can’t even begin to paint the true picture of stress and fear with this and their other medical issues. I had no one other than the doctors to talk with, and a sitter, who would watch these kids. Everyone was afraid to touch them, much less be left alone with them.I’d talk with any stressed new (or old) mom anytime to lend support and assistance. Babies aren’t all sunshine and roses even when they are healthy.I am so glad to hear that your son has responded very well to the medication.
>Lindsay :We have all felt like that w/ our infants…it is normal. It is not normal to slam them into their cribs. You are a good mommy and you are attentive to his needs….as w/ all things….this to shall pass. Hang in there.
>Baby Diva cried…a lot. Especially scary because of her heart condition and I was supposed to keep her calm. I hated reading books that said, “No baby ever died from being left to cry.” Well, mine could.She had reflux. It took me so long to get anyone to believe me. I nearly decked a “doctor” who told me that maybe she was picking up on my “stress.”At any rate, two doses of Zantac and the colic disappeared. Stress, my Aunt Fanny.
>Thank you so much for this post. And to everyone else who has posted. My babies were very close in age, and their infancy was THE biggest challenge I’ve ever faced. I think its also important to remember that sleep deprivation is also a tried and true torture method… at times I literally felt like another person. I also was given the same advice that Gertie’s mother gave her, and I remember many times literally flying outside for fear that I would lose it. I once broke a wooden stool on the patio in my frustration. 8 years later I can still see the screws my husband used to fix it.Thanks again
>Thank god i’m not the only one. My first child is still a newborn – just four months and still cries in ways that make me want to jump off my front porch. When I first came home and was so vulnerable – I thought the same thing as a previous commenter – maybe he’d be better off without me. I walked around in this constant “fog” for about two and a half months. That feeling has been replaced by the intermittent, “Whaaaaaat?!!!!! is going on with you!” followed by a plea to God to help me get through this crying spell. Again.I did find one thing that helped – especially when my husband isn’t home. I was recently going through all the pictures of him from those early days. The ones where he is looking at me help me remember and realize this little bitty baby is a tiny human being who needs me, loves me, but is helpless to tell me any of those things.I couldn’t listen to the tape, the print story was heartbreaking enough. I feel for that poor mother because you’re right. It could have been me.
>Lindsay, I so get you on this post. When Oliver was a baby he screamed for the first four months and perfected the ass pee. It was awful, absolutely awful. He was up at all hours of the night and therefore, so was I, and his constant crying really started to upset the balance of our family. I remember saying to Dave one day, “Now I know how people can get to the point where they want to shake their baby.”I thought he had reflux for a while but it turned out that he was lactose intolerant. A switch to soy formula changed him COMPLETELY. I learned a lot in those four months, and one thing I learned was that talking about situations like this and the feelings that come about as a result of them is a good thing. So thanks for this post.
>Glad I stopped here for the first time today … reflux sucks! I have 16 month old twins and both had it. I’m pressed your misery was contained in 6 weeks … because mine was more like 6 months. In fact, most of the first year, for, me was a nightmare. I do have pictures that prove it wasn’t all that bad, but whatever. My infant days are O-V-E-R.
>My misery isn’t over, but it’s actually manageable now that he’s on Prevacid. My pediatrician put him on the strongest possible medicine because he was actually whistling when he breathed, which is why it was taken so seriously.I’ve found that an iPod also works wonders when the crying is driving me out of my mind. I can still hear him and take care of him, but he’s not the only thing I’m hearing anymore. :)It’s not even that the crying is that bad anymore- It’s that my postpartum symptoms exhibit themselves in the form of profound irritation with everything around me, generally from about 4pm onward. Ugh. At least now, I know what’s going on. With Punky, I just thought my life was doomed forever and had no idea it was postpartum hormones rearing their ugly head(s?).
>Oh and did I mention the acne? Not baby acne anymore, MAMA acne. Gah. At least I can show some solidarity now with my older girls!
>Thank you all so much for your comments. I don’t have children but I am SO glad to read about what to possibly expect when I do. It would be so much scarier to have those feelings, have that guilt, and think I was the only person who ever thought that way.
>I was so fortunate that for almost four months my baby didn’t cry! Only squawks. But the first time he cried, I mean really cried, I flipped out. I thought something must be horribly wrong with him. Turns out he had a tummy ache, but oh the torture for his parents! Now he’s teething and he howls with the best of him. It’s such an emotionally difficult thing for me to hear for long periods of time, but deep breaths and just holding him close, reminding myself this will be funny someday, does help. And someday I’ll miss holding even my crying boy!Great blog – I’m linking to you, by the way!
>So sorry for what you’ve been through with Bruiser, Lindsay.Mothering a newborn is hard work & relentless. I’m sure I’ve commented on my own PPD experience here. I can’t bear to listen to that clip.For the love of God, people, ASK FOR HELP. You NEED breaks. Pregnancy, birthing & mothering a brand new person are awfully rough on the body and mind. Nothing wrong with calling up the ol therapist either. More power to you.You’ve got to take care of #1 to be able to care for anyone else. You just have to.
>Post-pardum or not, I think we are designed to find the cries of our babies incredibly distressing. I told Super Dad that when Baby Diva cries, my stomach actually hurts. I feel nauseous and just like I would do anything to stop it!Although I would NEVER EVER intentionally hurt her, I totally get now why some moms go over the edge–especially those who were not prepared for the baby, and/or with little support, and/or who are having bio-chemical issues.
>My son is eight weeks old and he too has screamed uncontrollably for most of his little life. He’s on Prevacid too, which–like you–we’ve found to be a lifesaver. I can relate to every word of your post. I screamed “Stop crying!!!” to him so loudly once that I think I scared my husband, who immediately tried to deal with me like a psych patient (which pissed me off even more). For the next several days I felt so guilty about losing it with this precious, tiny person who couldn’t explain what was hurting. I pray for women with less resources who face similar situations.
>When my 3rd child was an infant and had kept me up all night on one of his crying jags, I thought briefly about drowning him in the kitchen sink. I was washing dishes and visualized his little body underwater. I shudder at the thought now. That poor woman. She has to live with the knowledge that she killed her baby with that momentary lapse of judgment.
>Just this morning my daughter (7 mos.) was crying, screaming, and I said, sternly, loud, “Oh now you just CUT that OUT!” I immediately felt like an a*hole.I listened to the call. I had to. I’m glad I did. It broke my heart and put a lump in my throat. But it served to remind me that I, as their mom, always have control of my actions. I have to, even if the action is walking away. I know she wished she had…Thanks Lindsay for sharing this today. Your timing is impeccable.
>My daughter (co-)slept fine at night, not a barfer, fed well, etc. — but would not sleep during the day. Spent my days at home with her rocking, bouncing, walking, crying. I tried all that “Happiest Baby On The Block” stuff to no freaking avail. Finally when she was 5 months old I got a book about sleep (“Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child”) that essentially said, put her in the crib and walk away. (The author gives many options for putting the baby to bed, that’s just the one that worked for us.) I know that some parents will think I’m a mean cold person but that is what I did, let her cry it out at naptime and bedtime, and within three days she was a whole different baby. Crying it out may not be the answer for every baby but it worked for mine. She soon only grumbled a bit (if at all) at naptime, woke up smiling, and the constant daytime screaming stopped. Now she is nearly three, sleeps a solid twelve hours a night, and likes to sleep in her own room. She knows where to find us if she needs us and is a very happy child.Once during the dark days of baby blues when she just screamed and screamed and nothing I did helped, I screamed. I did not shake her (but I understood how it happens, oh believe me I did) but I screamed at the top of my lungs while holding her, just because I was so frustrated I couldn’t handle it anymore. She looked at me in utter astonishment and then cried more, and so did I, no real harm done and it never happened again, but I still harbor some guilt about it. My heart goes out to any tortured new mom who loses it. When all else fails and you’ve reached the breaking point, put the baby down in the crib and shut the door, put on the monitor if you must for safety, and go chill for a few minutes. Take a shower, watch a show, talk to someone on the phone. Get some help. You don’t have to go it alone. You and your baby deserve some relief. Sometimes nothing you do helps even if the baby is perfectly healthy, so don’t take it personally. It’s just the way babies are, and you aren’t a miracle worker. Give yourself a break!
>The way I am now, after everything – easily irritated, to say the least – I always wonder if I would have been this way if Bella had been born alive. I wonder, “Am I like this because of everything, or did that happen because I’m like this?” I wonder if I would have been that woman. You think, “I could never do that, I love my child!” But she obviously loved her child, too. A split second and a bad decision later and your life is just…ruined.
>I couldn’t bear to click on that link. I don’t want to hear…. I can totally understand getting overwhelmed by a newborn. I was *this* close to losing it on many occasions with both of my babies. It’s hard. No one ever tells you just how hard it’s going to be.
>Call it post-partum depression, psychosis or whatever, but sleep deprivation can reek some nasty havoc on my self control. I can remember being tormented by these vivid dreams in which I would leave one of my twins on a bus or one would die. I would wake feeling both horror and RELIEF. Not relief from realizing that it was “only a dream” but a parting subconscious feeling of relief that I was left with only baby. Even though Michelle Camire was “receiving up to 57 hours a week in respite help from Winnipeg Child and Family Services”, TRIPLET infants plus at least one additional toddler (the article mentions 17 month old Kaitlyn)is a lot of children in one’s care. Like the other mamas commenting here, I do not judge that woman.
>Our son and daughter both had colic. Our son would cry from 7am-noon and then again from 6pm-8pm. When our daughter came along she cried from 11pm-3am. They would do this every day for three months. It was hard. When it got to hard to bear I would put them in their crib, go to the bathroom, shut the door, run the tub water and also the sink water full blast so I couldn’t hear them. I would put my fingers in my ears and just listen to myself breath til I got a hold of myself again. I am so glad I did that and didn’t lose it and hurt one of them. They are now 17 and 14 and wonderful. My heart just breaks for that mother. Thanks for sharing. I am going to go on my own blog and share so that maybe if we all do this someone will read it and get some ideas as to how to cope. Well done Surburban Turmoil. Hang in there with your own little guy. I know from reading your blog you’re an awesome momma. I’m glad bruiser got a diagnosis and is now much better. Have a wonderful day with your kiddos!!dawn
>You are wonderful for writing this, Lucinda. Very nice analysis.
>I wish more people were honest about how hard it can be in the beginning, so maybe more new Moms (or old ones too) could feel like they weren’t “bad” for needing help. And once they knew they needed help, who they could call.
>I had to post this for my husband. When our daughter was about 3 months, I was back at work and my husband was staying home with babygirl. She was a spitter who was not very good at drinking from anything without spitting half of it up and screaming. (We discovered it was a lactose thing that she grew out of in a few months.) After her screaming for a few days almost constantly, my husband was pushed to the limits. He threw our daughter on the bed and yelled at her to shut up. The shock of it did shut her up but for the next few days if he picked her up, she screamed bloody murder. It took him about a week to tell me what had happened. He felt horrible. And reading that article just made me think of it.
>Thank God you’ve written about this!!! The first sex weeks were HELL with my daughter! My husband and I brought her home (she’s our first) and I had NO CLUE what to do! I had never been exposed to a newborn…I’m the youngest…I never babysat…nothing. Two weeks after my daughter was born, I was rushed to the hospital w/pancreatitis. I stayed in the hospital for about a week; they “cooled” my pancreas and removed my gall bladder. After having a c-section followed VERY closely by another surgery, I was secretly HAPPY about the break and the REST that I got at the hospital. I was on a morphine drip and BOY I hit that thing EVERY CHANCE I GOT. I slept and slept. The flip side; when I returned to my family, I was terrified that I hadn’t been able to properly bond w/my daughter. Everytime I held her, she screamed. My mother or my husband could hold her and she would be peaceful. Soon, she cried no matter what. She had colic. I cannot tell you how many remotes we went through during that period. To keep from chucking our daughter out the window, we would throw the remote across the room. It helped. I quickly learned why shaken baby syndrome was so prevalent. Our rule was to try for 15 minutes, then put her in the crib and go smoke. Yes, due to the colic, my husband and I BOTH started smoking again. Ugh…anyway, I’m just so glad that I’m out of that stage w/my daughter. It’s bittersweet though, now I have to practically tie her down to get a hug…she used to just lay there like a slug screaming her head off and I could hug her all day. Oh well, guess you trade one for the other. I wouldn’t trade a second of it though…she’s the most miraculous little being. So sunny and full of a zest for life…she just gobbles up life. She’s so cool…but she WAS a pill for a while there.
>First sex weeks…..first SIX weeks….well, we know where MY mind is today!
>Lindsay-When my first son was a newborn, I had PPD and didn’t know it. I offered my son to a friend on the street, who thought I was joking— I wasn’t. I totally changed my mind about wanting to be a mom, but it was too late. And I knew then as surely as I know now that if it weren’t for my husband, I would have put my son up for adoption. I’m so glad I didn’t.Fast forward 25 months, and I had the twins. They both had colic. And were up every 45 minutes for at least 6 weeks. I was so tired I had a car accident, and my husband had to take an extended leave from work, due to fatigue. I told the babies to “shut the fuck up” countless times, always in singsong, thankful each time that they couldn’t understand words yet. I told my mom that it would be easier to be dead than to go through what we were going through. Not that I wanted to die— I just thought it would be easier. I wanted to get hurt somehow, so I could rest up in a hospital while someone else took care of my kids.Effexor helped. Accepting help when it was offered, and asking for it when it wasn’t was key. The kids are now 4 1/2 and 2 1/2, and it’s totally different now. I can’t believe how in love I am with them, and though they still push me sometimes, they don’t push me to my breaking point like they did back in the day. It’s actually fun to be a mom now, most days. But I’ll never have another child. I’m too scared of returning to that dark place.Katy
>I remember crying with my first baby, because i didn’t know how to help and he wouldn’t stop crying. The thing I find the most frightening is the way I feel about my older children when the baby is crying. When she’s crying (4 months) and I can’t get her to stop and my three year old is shreiking for me to hold her too and the oldest is pestering me with questions and all of them are in my personal space and crowding into my cortisol flooded brain that won’t relax until the crying stops and none of them are old enough to listen to reason and I some days want to throw my older children against a wall or something, lock them in their rooms, smack them, yell at them, anything to get the noise to stop so I can get the baby to sleep. That scares me. I am ashamed of the moments when I let loose and yell. I don’t want anyone to know about them, because I don’t want to be “that” parent, but sometimes I am.As much as we love them it’s easy to feel overwhelmed and do something we will regret later. I have nothing but sympathy for that woman.
>Wow Lindsey you really struck a nerve, a big bleeding open wound in so many women’s lives. This is the most amazing comments I have ever read, listen to everyone. I, too, felt overwhelmed with my first child, unable to escape the screaming, right as I raised my hand to hit him I looked out my window and saw a billboard it said “hands are not for hitting” and then it gave the suggestion to put the baby in the crib and shut the door. I did that and hardly a day goes (16 years later) by I don’t think of that billboard and how it saved me from my most shameful moment. Thank you for allowing women to open their hearts to the most horrible moment in their lives, thank you for being brave enough to share your own story and the story of the Canadian woman. You’re right it isn’t the least bit funny but life isn’t always so funny. Take care of yourself and allow others to care for you and Bruiser when the going gets tough.
>Oh Man this takes me back 5 yrs ago. My son was born 4 weeks early (Valentine’s day at that) He was jaundice but healthy otherwise. Til we get home, He cried constantly unless he was breastfeeding or sucking on hubby’s finger. He slept an hour here and there. Even driving around the block wasn’t doing anything. The washing machine was soothing to him at times. Hubby was no help and I was so tired.There was times when I wanted to just put him in the closet and close the door. At 3am there I was quietly pleading with him to stop. I had a girl that was 4 yrs old and she too was a crier for about a month but got over it. My son cried month after month after month, for a total of 7 months when it was figured that he was having problems with breastmilk. We are military and was living in Hawaii at the time and they are nazi about breast feeding which is why it took so long to realize that maybe it was the milk. He still cried but not as much.Unforntunately, here it is 5 yrs later and come to find out that it was Autism and the crying was due to sensory disorder. I feel so bad for all that time when we could’ve just blocked out sounds and textures and it would’ve calmed him down. He is a great little boy that is a High Functioning Autistic and Sensory Disorder that is bordering geniusEveryone, especially Moms goes through times when you just want to scream (I still do) but you have to do it in the shower or a pillow and move on, because in your heart you love your child with all your heart and being no matter what.
>Happy “1st time as a mother of 4” Mother’s Day!
>Oh Suburban! First: Thank You! for writing this. It is so important, and overwhelmingly generous. Truly. Second: I know this doesn’t mean much, because all of us who are mothers have been through it, but I know exactly the many-leveled torture you went through, and I am so so sorry you had to experience it. But I am also so very happy that you both had support and reached out for the additional support you needed. When Favorite Son was born, we nearly lost him. Without going into huge details, this birth trauma had multiple serious impacts on him (and us), some of which were very long lasting. We went through Hell, as you well know. Nothing is as horrible. Nothing. Medical people, and all other folks who are either in that situation or who are helping others through that situation, need to understand this fully. There is no place for judgment here. There is no time for such nonsense. There is only room for genuine help, caring and understanding.
>I had two preemies who came home from the NICU on three hour feeding schedules. My daughter’s reflux was so severe that she had to be held upright for 45 minutes after each feeding… so pretty much by the time you fed & held her, it was time to start again. To say that those first weeks… heck, months… were difficult would be the understatement of the century.
>Oh, that story is heartbreaking. But I would wager a guess we’ve all ALMOST been there. Whether it’s a newborn that won’t stop crying or a toddler who won’t stop whining – it wears on you, it grates, it stresses you out. Thank goodness we are able to draw a line and our brain is there to help us.And yes, those first six weeks suck (sometimes the first twelve – that colicky phase can last a while). It WILL get better, I promise (and I know you know since you’ve done this before, but sometimes it helps to hear it).
>I think all mothers have at some point thoughts that when we think of later we feel incrediably guilty. I have thought about throwing my son against the wall or leaving him in the car…my sweet, loving, adorable son who has done nothing wrong. Afterwards I think how could I even THINK doing that-only a monster would think those things! Reading all these posts make me realize that I am not a monster, just a normal mom trying to get by. Thank you for for giving us a place to post are darkest mommy secrets. It is theraputic.
>Wow. Amazing. I wish I could have read this when either of my kids were babies. You rock! I had no idea that being a mom could be soooooo hard and overwhelming. The sleep depervation itself will kill a person off. I remember sitting up with my son in the middle of the night crying with him and thinking I was going to be this tired for the rest of my life and it would never ever end, he’s 9 now. I also remember crying thinking, “yeah,this is where unprotected sex will get you!” Never mind the fact I was 28 years years old and had been married for 7 years when we had him. 🙂 It’s just soooooo hard. I always try and help out new Mommy’s as much as they will let me, it’s hard if they breastfeed cuz little babies eat so often, because just a small tiny break can do wonders.I remember once when my 2nd was tiny and Trent was 3 I was LOSING it. My Mom called and must have heard it in my voice. She came and picked up Trent for an hour and oh, I felt so much better. The baby went to sleep and the house was dead quiet. Sometimes that’s all you need. One hour.
>BRILLIANT POST. Thank you.
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