>Getting the 411 on Your Teens

I want to giggle sometimes reading all of the speculative articles out there about the problems facing our teens. Doctors weigh in on the issue, along with child psychiatrists. Clueless parents are interviewed, generally saying they either had no idea that such-and-such was an issue with adolescents, or that they did, but only after learning “the hard way.”

It’s all well and good to read what the experts have to say about issues like the STD rate among teenagers or the increased use of pharmaceuticals as recreational drugs, but I get the bulk of my information somewhere else: my girls themselves.

While it can be awkward trying to pry information from them, I’ve found that the more time I spend with them, the more stories I hear. That’s how I know that sex is indeed a problem among teens these days. A big problem. A huge number of teenagers really don’t see anything wrong with it; it’s equated with smoking a cigarette or drinking a beer at a party- something that will annoy your parents, but probably won’t ruin your life or anything. “Friends with benefits” is a term thrown around quite a lot these days and “hooking up” with someone at a party is commonplace. I guess this wasn’t unheard of when I was a teen, either, but at least back then, most girls I knew tried to have some discretion about it. They didn’t want to be branded a slut. These days, I get the impression that it takes a whole lot more sleeping around to gain slut status than it did when I was a teenager.

Marijuana is back around these parts, too, and bigger than ever. What pisses me off is that more than a few of the kids’ parents openly smoke it, which doesn’t do a whole lot to keep the kids from getting high. To be honest, it’s not the marijuana itself that concerns me so much as it is the illegality of it. Get caught with pot and you have a police record. That’s the last thing any up-and-coming teenager needs.

Anyway, pot is considered to be no big deal at school; boys especially brag about being stoned while they’re in class and kids speculate as to whether certain teachers are “blazed.” My husband and I were talking with a friend recently who also has kids at the girls’ high school. “Pot is everywhere at that school,” she said knowledgeably. We agreed. “I mean, it seems like everyone there is smoking it!” she continued. We agreed again.

A few nights later, we ran into another couple at a party with a son who is friends with one of my stepdaughters. After chatting with them for a while, I said, “Can you believe all the pot that’s being smoked at that school?” Both of them stiffened.

“We don’t know anything about that,” the husband said vehemently. “Steven is at home right now with his friends, and I can tell you none of them are smoking pot!”

“Uh, well, my stepdaughters don’t smoke pot either,” I said quickly, “but they live with me, so I can’t help but hear about who does. And it’s, you know, a fairly large number of kids. Not your son, of course.”

“Well, we’ve never heard anything about pot being smoked,” the wife said dubiously.

“Denial is good,” I said. “I’ve heard denial is key when it comes to raising teenagers.”

Okay, I didn’t actually say that last part. But I thought it. I was a little irked at being shut down by people who probably could have benefited from the knowledge that some of Steven’s friends toke up. Regularly. But whatever.

I guess I’d say that the best thing parents of teens can do is hang out with them. Be “one of them.” Watch their movies and TV shows, take them shopping to their stores, stay up on their gossip. You learn a lot that way about what’s going on. Stepmoms often have an added benefit, like I do, of being slightly younger than their friends’ moms, and more relatable to their teens. The girls and I like much of the same music and TV shows and clothing styles. Those kinds of shared interests make it easier to talk about current events not only in LA and New York, but also at their school. If Paris Hilton is caught with what looks like a joint, that can easily lead to a little chat on how many of the girls at school are doing the same thing.

We were teenagers too, once, and I, at least, did more than my share of acting out at that age. In fact, my stepdaughters (so far, anyway) are incredibly tame compared to me at their age. I remind myself of that every day when I’m dealing with them, and count my blessings.

This post originally appeared on Parents.com.