>Harold G. Jordache is a Pain in the Butt
>After years of using the name ‘Harold G. Jordache’ as my white pages alias, I’m having fantasies of doing something really horrible to him, something involving a heavy candlestick, or a pearl-handled Beretta, or maybe that old standby, arsenic. Because Harold T. Jordache has become a real pain in the butt.
People have always called our home looking for Harold, generally cold callers, pulling his name from the phone book in a desperate effort to sell something. I put up with their muddled sales pitches, along with the occasional calls from long lost members of the Jordache clan, generally from the old and confused branch of the family tree.
“I’m looking for Harold G. Jordache, you see,” they’ll explain shakily. “I do believe he may be the great nephew of my mother’s second cousin, Marlene.”
If they leave a message, Hubs generally calls them back out of pity.
“We made the name Harold G. Jordache up,” he’ll explain, “We didn’t want to put our own name in the phone book.”
“Oh,” they’ll reply, “Well then. Perhaps you know him?”
“No,” he’ll say, raising his voice and trying to speak extra-clearly. “We made the name up.”
“Well, maybe you’re related to him, too,” the old person will say. “Do you happen to know a woman by the name of Marlene Jordache in your family? Or Etty Jordache? She was my great grandmother.”
These calls are a chore, but they only come once or twice a year. For a long time, Harold G. Jordache lived a quiet, relatively friendless life. But now, he seems to have run into some trouble.
We got an indication of Harold’s problems when we began receiving automated calls from Pinnacle Financial. Up to three calls a day, each with a computer voice asking us either to call a number for more information or hold for a customer service rep. As you may recall, when Hubs waited once for a rep and told him that Harold G. Jordache was a made-up name, the rep refused to believe him. And the calls have continued.
Pinnacle Financial calls us at all hours and even seems to have a knack for dialing us at the very moment Bruiser is on the verge of nodding off into dreamland. At first, I continued letting our answering machine take the calls, sure that it would just take a few days for the company to take us off its telemarketing list. Two weeks later, I had had more than enough.
The other day, I waited on the line for a customer service representative. After about five minutes, the automated voice told me one wasn’t available, and that I needed to call back later. Grr. I tried the number the message had given me and a woman named Diane got on the line.
“Hi, I have a problem,” I started nicely. “You guys keep calling my house asking for Harold G. Jordache. But that’s a name I made up so that I wouldn’t have to pay to have an unlisted number.”
“Is this 867-5309?” Diane interrupted me.
“Yes.”
“Well, then, Harold does live there,” she declared. “We have it in our records.”
“I made up the name Harold G. Jordache,” I said, getting annoyed. “Seriously. I made it up six years ago, because I was a TV reporter. I’ve been using it ever since. There is no Harold G. Jordache.”
“There most certainly is,” she said nastily, “and he has a $157 cell phone bill that needs to be paid immediately.”
I was beginning to understand the problem.
“Look, Diane,” I said. “There’s no need to be rude. This is not Harold’s number, so-“
“Oh yes! This is Harold’s number!” she interrupted me, “It says so right-“
“Diane,” I said calmly. She kept talking. “DIANE,” I said, louder. “Will you please listen to me?”
“Not if you’re going to yell at me,” she spat. “I will not listen to you!”
I could feel my face turning red. My blood pressure was rising. I was having an argument with a collections agent. Me! Having an argument with a collections agent! I don’t have arguments with collections agents! Particularly when they’re on behalf of some man I don’t even know! It was time to pull out all the stops.
“Let me speak to your manager,” I said quietly.
“Certainly,” she said.
“This is Doug,” a man said in a moment.
I told him my sad tale, throwing in all the times they had woken the baby for good measure.
“Yeah,” he said unapologetically. “We have a PO Box number for Harold G. Jordache, so the computer turned up your phone number as the only way of contacting him. I’ve taken it off our system.”
Well, it’s about damn time.
And it’s time, I think, to get rid of Harold. He was pretty handy to have around for a while, but now it’s become clear that our relationship has to end. I am not my Harold’s keeper.
Any suggestions for a new name?
>Based on what you’ve been dealing with, Ben Dover seems appropriate.
>This is hillarious.There have been many times where I have had to deal with folks calling and getting indignant with my frustration with them not listening to me after they cold called me.The worst is when they wake the baby up. The only thing worst than solicitors calling and waking the baby up is when family who know better do
>How about Punky Bruiser?
>It will be interesting to see if they actually do stop calling. We got calls for the Donaldson’s FOREVER (whoever they are) even after the company “promised” they’d taken our phone number out of the system.BTW, did you talk to the supervisor about how that woman talked to you?When my husband gets these calls he usually just starts speaking gibberish and they hang up.
>How about Gerald P. Vanderbilt. If that doesn’t work do what my hubby does when we get collection calls for a “Shaniquah”…hand the phone to your infant and let him talk gibberish….it’s pretty interesting to hear the results on the other end. By the way, Shaniquah needs to get back to the Dr. to get her test results….whereever you are “NeeQuah” you better call the Doc. While you have em’ on the line, give em’ YOUR correct phone number.
>Fok, YuHow’s that one?
>How about Ima May Duppname?
>Thank you for making me laugh today. With the heat here, it’s a welcome relief.I think you should do something with the phrase “Dingleberry” as your new alias. But that could just be the heat talking here 🙂
>Chew Ing Gum. You can be Asian!
>Doug? Diane? You should have asked them for their last names too – woulda come in handy 😀
>Clinton Portis?
>Our phonebook had a Theodosia Thunderpussy listed for years. Now she’s gone. Maybe she could move to Your Fair City?
>Ben Dover?Suzy I. Ball?Ima Twit?
>If you carry on getting cold calls you could try this one I’ve used to cut the amount of junk mail we get from estate agents trying to sell our house from under us (You know the letters; We have a Mrs X who has just been disappointed in her purchase of a property in your road etc etc). I called the agents and told them if they continue to send us those letters (we were getting around 4 a week), then in the event we do decide to sell, they would be the last people we would call.No more letters.
>How about Barbara or Kenneth Thomas? Why them you might ask? They are the people that used to have our phone number and now WE field collection calls for THEM! (I’ve written about it online)–I hate them. If the number wasn’t so kid friendly I would get rid of it….HEHEEEE OH and just for reference, I still get phone calls from companies I spoke to AT LENGTH and was told we would be removed from the list….
>Oh shit. That was what I was afraid of…
>Levi Strauss?Esprit?I’m running out of 80s designer labels here to replace Jordache. Should have paid more attention in high school.
>How about L.H. Puttgrass. I really miss Bloom County.
>Chester McFeely all the way!
>I once made up a character named Horatio Feeblefester. I used him in a romance novel I wrote in 7th grade (quick! guess! Was he the villian? or the villian’s assistant?) You can that one, or Hector P. Schmoetenhagen (yeah, that was the villian.)
>A woman I know used to have her number listed in the book with her last name spelled backwards. Anytime anyone called her and tried to pronounce the backwards spelling, she immediately knew it was a sales call. You could give that a shot and see what happens. Since it’s not a real last name, it’s not likely a collections agent would be calling you for the non-existent person, and if Pinnacle calls back, you can tell them that Harold was the person who used to have the number. 🙂 That’ll drive ’em crazy.
>How about Ira & Tate Ten?
>Did you try that federal do not call list?
>We once got a collection call for the neighors across the street. Like I was going to go knock on their door and bully them for the company.I suggest The Rev. Arthur Dimmesdale or Philastus Hurlbut.
>I’m for Bumquesha Shaquanalana Schwartz. Because how funny would it be to hear that name coming out of a cold caller’s mouth?”I’m looking for Mrs. Schwartz?” “Which one?””Ummm, Bum..quesha?”Hhahaha. It was totally what I told my family I was naming my first kid.
>Man, you guys are creative…I’ve always wanted to use Fuad Ramses, which I used periodically as an alias in college. He was the lead character in a little gem called “Blood Feast.” If you haven’t seen it, really, you must.
>I used to get calls for a Jeff Collins and his wife when I got this new number 6 years ago. They were coming in thick from the collections agency at least 5-8 times a week. It never failed to come home from work and listen to messages from so and so looking for the Collins’. Well, as fate would have it after about three years of phone calls…guess who I happened to meet? Oh yes, the elusive Jeff Collins. He worked at our local Ford dealer and when I took hub’s new truck in for an oil change, he asked for my phone number which he put in and a Mr. Jeff Collins popped up. He goes…oh wait…it says Jeff Collins and hey guess what? That’s me! I looked that motherfucker in the eye – because people I saw RED – and told him he better change it and call every damn one of his credit cards/collection agencies that were after him or for the love of GOD I’d hunt him and his wife down myself and inform his creditors where he lived. And also sick the cops after him for LYING to evade these creditors and keeping his old number (which was no long his) to do it. Oh yes, I was nasty and to see a 200lb plus man being yelled at by a tiny scrap of a woman by his fellow coworkers was indeed vindication.About two weeks later, the calls stopped.And he still changes my oil. It’s fun to see the fear when I come strolling in…
>I would pick a name that is not likely to be popular, which might eliminate crazy branches of family trees. How about John Liquorstorskowski or Madeline Laundromatison?
>My friend has her number listed under her dogs names and her last name. Maybe list it under the beagle’s name?
>Theodosia Thunderpussy is my favorite so far. It’s probably not G-Rated enough though. I can imagine the calls from the collection agencies already….
>I do like Theodosia Thunderpussy.You could take Dave Bryant (the delinquent who used to have my cell phone number) or Anna Quinn (the delinquent who used to have our home phone number).
>Just reverse it to Jordache Harold.You have such along relationship with him, it is not fair to discard him entirely. :0)
>I want to get a land line again just so I can make up a name, lol.
>First initial, last name backwards. Or else go with Fuad. How about Fuad Reirref? Looks authentic and I’d love to hear a cold caller try to pronounce that one.
>We use this one a lot for costumes and surveys. Iona (My long dead aunts name) M. Ercedes. (Get it Iona Mercedes!!!) It always works and foold the hell out of the phone book people when I was in college. But seeing as you listed your number now it might be worth the $35 just to have it unlisted and then registered on the do not call list until 2012.
>These are very clever, but if you want the calls to really stop, you have to have your number unlisted. The calls will continue with a fake name. My suggestion to avoid ever being in this situation again is to use initials. M. Doe or whatever-yeah, I know that isn’t creative, but at least no one will ever insist that a particular person does in fact live there.
>OMG you’ve encountered the same customer service people I have. I applaud you for the way you handled them. I usually just punch them in the throat but that’s just me. LOL!
>Cam M. Bert
>I borrowed this from a friend who used it in a prank.Fu Lin Yu
>minerva s. gummflapper
>do wot my da does he just says no thay died…he sends back junk mail with expired on it
>I’m with KatBliss that Punky Bruiser is a good one, though Bananas, Ben Dover is pretty special
>how about your porn name?or farrie name?
>When I did that I used my cat’s name as the first name and my mother’s maiden name for the last name.Or you could use the name of your first childhood pet with the name of the street you lived on. Warning: this ends up sounding like a stripper, for example: “Pepper Crossway” or “Brandy Sunset.” LOL
>Whenever Sam Malone, on Cheers, made dinner reservations and wanted to be anonymous, he would make the reservation under Lance Manion. It has a sort of an action hero vibe. That’s what I would use.
>Bummer! Those collection people are like pitbulls on a bone, I swear! Back in 1999, we did the same thing, made up a fake name for the white pages, so we could essentially have an unlisted number without paying for one. We chose a random name, which I cannot divulge, or I’d have to kill you. Anyway, it’s been handy because the phone solicitors totally out themselves every time they call and ask for Mr. or Mrs. FakeName. The funny — or not so funny — thing is that Mr. FakeName has now begun getting his own mail. So now I have to use the junk mail opt-out process for a guy I made up?? Ugh.~Monica
>Hugh G. RectionWilma DickfitMaster BaderWhy, yes, my husband IS a college professor who gives unannouced quizzes in giant lecture halls sometimes. How could you tell?
>Here are some for you:Fake S. NameNot NobodyI.M.N. IdiotWow, I could do this all day….
>It’s crude but this is true I swear – and it would be funny to hear telemarketers ask for him:I went to school with a guy named Michael Hunt. We all called him Mike.
>I like the Chester McFeely suggestion. Also, might I suggest Keith Mars or Logan Echolls? Anything from the obscure canceled show that was [Veronica Mars]. Line N Kugels might be good too. Good luck. We have had our # at home for almost 5 years and we still get calls for the family that had the # previously I was always freaked when there were calls for Allie, My goodness, she was 6 months old when it started. Yet, when they insist, I let her tell them that they have the wrong number.
>Ben Dover & Theodosia Thunderpussy are my favorites! The only problem is that someone could come knocking on your door looking for them!Good luck!Our # had been mistakenly put on the yellow pages ad for an insurance co. This was H#ll! I cannot tell you how many voicemails we’d come home to.
>Doc Holliday?Rosie Rivitor?Toshiba Sony?Franklin Frederick Farmington IV?
>Ah, but Harold won’t know what to do without you to field his calls! ;^)I had a lot of strangers calling my cell phone repeatedly until I finally stopped to talk to one of them and discovered my phone number was very similar to that of a collection agency that was constantly calling certain people. When the people returned the call, they forgot to dial 1-877 and got my cell phone…and they were pretty annoyed that “I” had been calling them so often. Eventually I decided to keep the number, but left an explanation on my outgoing voicemail message. I still get strange calls once in a while, but the callers no longer leave rude messages. ;^)
>How about Anestasia Beaverhousen.
>I use Toby Nixon…my dead dog and my live dog’s name. Drives my husband batty when I tell people Uncle Richard was immediate family and a lech to boot…Having heard Theodosia Thunderpussy, I am sorely tempted to change it…
>LOL @ Ben Dover.Personally, I don’t want you to change your moniker since it provides me with tons of reading enjoyment.Think of your readers!
>Helena BucketErin GobralessIda LovettSheila FeelitSasha Payne DiazOr, my favourite, from Car Talk:Heywood Djabuzzoff.
>Alias Cheap?
>lol funny ok you could always use the the name hillda green ha ha seeing as harold didnt have any freinds either …