>I’m Here to Help!

>I hope I’m not the first person to remind you that tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. But if I am, don’t fret. I’ve got plenty of last-minute ideas sure to make even the most brittle romance blossom like a hothouse flower. Take a look:

Forget flowers and chocolate; there’s no more foolproof way to get busy this Valentine’s Day than by giving your man a “His & Hers Personal Trimmer!” You can trim his nose hairs! He can get rid of your old lady mustache! You can prune his twig and berries! He can raze your toe hairs! The sexy possibilities are endless!

If you’re expecting V-day to become D-day because of your sweetie’s uh, pungent bouquet, Flat-D is ready to help. Buy your loved one a fart pad and let romance fill the air, as opposed to something else! (See the super hot fart pad video here!!)

But that’s not all!

On this Valentine’s Day, why not give a gift your co-workers will heart, simply by slipping this seat-sized fart pad onto the chair of your office crush? Testimonials claim this thing lasts up to six months! That’s six months of your office no longer smelling like a possum died in the air vent every time your love eats the lobby deli’s bean soup!

And if you’re the one with problem poots? How about an odor mask for your paramour? It will leave the two of you (mostly) free to enjoy one another’s company in stank-free peace!

Speaking of farts, what mature husband wouldn’t appreciate receiving a comfy pair of slippers from his trophy wife… particularly slippers that feature whoopie cushion inserts? Vive l’amour!

Perhaps you want to send your sweetheart a subtle hint this Valentine’s Day. Why not buy him some e-LONG-ate pills? I don’t know what they do, but I’m sure the two of you can figure it out.

And on that note, here’s a gift every man would appreciate. This “Full Basket Undergarment” will let your guy turn heads wherever he goes. I can’t think of a more romantic gift than the Big Boy.

…Except for the Sausage of the Month Club, that is! Now your heartthrob can have his sausage and eat it, too! Buy him a one-year membership and he will be stunned by your incredible thoughtfulness!After receiving these amazing gifts, men, you’ll need something truly spectacular to give your gal in return. Might I suggest the Mancatcher Voodoo Kit? Use this special day to help her find someone new to replace sausage-eating, man basket-wearing you!

Hope this helps, everyone! Now get out there and buy something fabulous!