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Hi! I'm Lindsay Ferrier. You might remember me from a blog called Suburban Turmoil. Well, a lot has changed since I started that blog in 2005. My kids grew up, I got a divorce, and I finally left the suburbs for the heart of Nashville, where I feel like I truly belong. I have no idea what the future will hold and you know what? I'm okay with that. Thrilled, actually. It was time for something totally different.
In Which I Get Asked the WORST QUESTION EVER
September 26, 2011
Over the last few weeks, I’ve managed to lose eight pounds.
As just about all of you know, the great thing about losing even a little bit of weight is that you start to feel better about yourself in general. You walk with your head held a little higher. You smile a little more. You stop and chat with acquaintances at the YMCA, rather than ducking your head, hiding your midsection with a gym bag and trying to scuttle past them unnoticed.
And then– if you’re me– you get asked a question by the aforementioned acquaintance that leaves you you wanting to simultaneously scream, sob, punch either the acquaintance or yourself, and eat nothing but lettuce for the rest of your life.
Yes, readers, ironically after all the effort and trouble and deprivation it took me to lose those pounds, the very first question I was asked about my new and improved body was the one question NO WOMAN WANTS TO HEAR:
“Are you pregnant?” the woman asked, gazing speculatively at my (smaller!!!) belly.
I should probably say in her defense that I was wearing a dress with an empire waist- the kind of dress generally favored at, uh, maternity stores. But the truth is that her question was indefensible.
INDEFENSIBLE!
One look at me should have told her that if I WEREN’T pregnant, that question would make me want to scream/sob/punch someone/eat nothing but lettuce for the rest of my life. And if I WERE pregnant, I was probably not announcing it publicly yet, particularly to a woman I hadn’t seen in three years. She would therefore be forcing me either to lie or add her to my intimate circle of people who knew. AWKWARD.
But enough of all that. You’re probably wondering what I said in response… right?
Well, it was a wonder I could speak at all, since all I was seeing at that moment was RED. (And lettuce.) But I managed to recover enough to smile brightly and say, “No, I’m not… but let me tell you, you just MADE MY DAY.” And at that point, she stammered and sputtered and I felt a tiny little bit better. Because maybe, hopefully, I kept that sad excuse for a woman from ever ever ever asking that question again.
And that brings me to the reason that I’m telling you about this totally humiliating moment. Think of it as a public service announcement. My pain for your gain.
If you’re NOT SURE that a woman is pregnant?
DON’T ASK.
If she is, she will tell you when she wants you to know.
If she isn’t, SHE MIGHT PUNCH YOU. Or eat nothing but lettuce for the rest of her life.
And you really don’t want to be responsible for either scenario, do you?
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O.M.G.! Why would she ask someone she hasn’t seen in 3 years a questions like that!! S’ok – you still lost 8 pounds and I bet it shows – but not in an empire waist dress!
Fortunately, NOTHING was showing in that dress. It wasn’t lost on me that the question would have been MUCH worse if I had been in my form fitting workout clothes!
Why, oh why do people still do this?!?! It is one of the ultimate no-no questions to ask a woman! Doesn’t everyone know that??? Gah! My boss (my boss!!!) asked me that once and I wanted to throw something at her. But I didn’t because, you know, job preservation and all…. That and I didn’t want to go to jail 😉
Your boss! Couldn’t you file a human resources complaint on that one or something?! LOL.
Sweet Lord. When will people GET IT!? The rule is you can ask a woman if she is preggo if you SEE HER BABY CROWNING. And if you see a baby crowning and she says she is not preggo? Then that’s kinda on her. But otherwise, even if her water breaks on your shoes, no asking.
Jeeez.
And you are beautiful and perfect and lovely, 8 pounds lost or not.
Thank you. 🙂
Ugh! Happened to me twice in one day last week. I was also wearing an empire waist dress, but come on! My rule has always been, unless you can see the baby hanging out, you cannot ask this question.
I’m guessing you’ll never wear THAT dress again! LOL.
Awkwaaaaaaaaard…
On the other hand, congratulations on the 8 pounds! 🙂
Coincidentally, it is the weight of the average baby…. ;D
It’s just too bad that there is no cure for stupid. Gah.
Foot, meet mouth!
So awkward. That just falls under the things the never ask anyone, ever. Hopefully the next time you see her, she’ll keep the conversation light and only discuss religion and politics.
LOL!
Another Facebook friend of mine was asked the same thing recently and she was beside herself. This is one of the reasons I shy away from the empire waist – it’s comfy, it’s stylish, but I can’t help feeling as if it would also be fabulously flattering if I were in that pregnant stage before anyone can really tell. WHICH IS WHY NO ONE SHOULD EVER ASK THAT QUESTION unless it’s gapingly obvious!
I probably would have said, “Why do you ask?” with a blank expression on my face, beseeching an explanation as to why in the world that’s anyone’s business. GAH.
Yes, I’m now calling for a ban on empire waists on my style blog. 😀
Oh no, that is just awful. I’m glad she was embarrassed by her question, every woman knows you don’t ask that, not until it’s so obvious that she might as well be simultaneously rolled into the delivery room.
Perhaps there’s a reason you hadn’t seen her in three years? The universe was trying to protect you from her dumb ass. I’m so sorry. I hate it when people don’t think before they speak. If it makes you feel any better, I’ll bet she wanted to crawl under a rock and is still embarrassed every time she thinks about it.
Let’s hope so! I actually thought about going back in after I’d left and telling her SPECIFICALLY to never ask that question to ANYONE again- because if I could save someone else from going through that, it would be worth it!
My 4 yr old is really having trouble with this, we just talked about different body shapes and how some ladies have a bump, but it’s just their shape. I told him not to ask someone that bc it was make them sad- he is to keep quiet unless I share that someone is in fact with child.
Stupid totally makes the world go ’round.
I loved your response, biting, but polite. So southern.
Ha! I’ve had to talk to my children about these issues, too. They initially had trouble understanding why people might not like hearing comments about their “big, squishy stomachs.”
That is a forbidden question. Unless someone is OBVIOUSLY 9 months along and ready to pop, you say NOTHING! As soon as I saw the title to this post I knew exactly what the question was. When will we learn???
Funny! Because seriously, what other question could it have possibly been? LOL.
I will never understand why people feel okay asking this. I’ve only been asked by a small child (totally forgivable & I was wearing a puffy vest so I could understand the confusion).
Yes, small children are the ONLY time that question is acceptable!
I once heard someone say that you never assume a woman is pregnant unless you can actually see another human being coming out of her. That is a really good rule of thumb. Seriously….what on earth could she have been thinking?!? I think your response was PERFECT! She needs to realize that it’s more than just tacky to ask…it can really ruin someone’s day (or longer).
I just want to say that based on the pics of you that are on this blog…this is all the other woman’s fault. Like you said, even if the dress made you look pregnant…it would have been VERY early days. You are a beautiful lady! She must not have a very good “filter” between her brain and her mouth.
Thank you Kimberly! I don’t have any major body issues, fortunately, and the dress was like a sack on me so I didn’t take it TOO personally– but I couldn’t BELIEVE that woman would even ask that! I mean SERIOUSLY.
Sigh- unfortunately, I’ve been asked this a few times. Here were my thoughts on the topic a few years ago (about the last time I wrote anything on my blog!) http://puddinglegs.blogspot.com/2008/09/whens-your-baby-due.html
I’m not sure about the etiquette of posting a link in your comments- so if it is a no-no, I apologize in advance and understand if you delete this.
I had my last child 2 1/2 yrs ago and still carry some of (ok, a lot of) the “baby” weight. I feel fine about myself though and don’t freak out about weighing as much as I do. But when people full of “Minnesota Nice” ask if I’m expecting, it kills my self acceptance. I usually laugh it off but it makes me angry that people feel it’s ok to ask that.
I would never ask a bald/head clean shaven man if he was going through chemo. It’s the same thing I think.
I appreciate people getting excited about a potential baby but let’s engage the brain before the mouth. I feel your pain Lindsay. Sorry you had to go through that.
Wow, I realize now that I’m still upset at some of the times it’s happened to me Ha! Bitter, party of one? Bitter??
LOL. It’s okay. If I had been wearing a form-fitting dress, I would have been devastated, but since she couldn’t technically even SEE my belly, I have to assume it was the dress. BUT STILL.
My wife did that once…the woman was a stick, but despite hundreds of thousands of situps, she had a bump that had never resolved from her pregnancy 2 1/2 years prior.
My wife apologized and swiftly said that the woman’s son told our daughter that they were having a baby…
And I’ll bet your wife never did that again…
You freakin make me DIE!!! lol. That makes me think of a time when i was 4 months pregnant and I was barely showing. Well, at least I thought I was. A woman walked by me and said “happy mothers day!” (it WAS mothers day). Now, I dont know if it were the crazy hormones but I was offended! For me it was like “how could she assume?! what if i wasn’t pregnant?!!!” I said thank you but it made me feel big……not to mention i was wearing a fitted shirt with horizontal stripes. BUT STILL! It could have been just a big ol mid section. You never know though is what I’m saying. ::sits back in seat::
Ha! At least you were pregnant!
I NEVER ask that question, how horrifying! It ranks up there with trying to guess the sex of a baby who doesn’t look like a girl or a boy…you just use generalizations!
LOL! I may have said “It’s so cute!” a time or two myself… 😉
I’ve been told you should never ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you can actually see a baby emerging from her body at that moment.
Agreed!
Oh. No. She. Di’int. I NEVER use that hackneyed expression, except now. Oh.No.She. DI’INT.
And your “made my day” reply? Elegance. Sheer elegance.
Why thank you, dahling.
I had to log out, because there’s no way I’m putting this in my disqus profile, but I got asked this three times in the span of a month… no empire waist top, just a t-shirt. My reply was “No, I’m just fat, thanks for asking.” I also joined Jenny Craig right after that… because holy crap that made me feel horrible.
Awwwwwww, that SUCKS. How can there be so many people out there with so much insensitivity??
Seriously, right? And it’s not like these were people I knew… these were random people on the street while I was out walking the dog. (And I didn’t think I was that fat. 🙁 )
Even if you are sure you should never ask!
I’ve DONE that! I’ve been staring a woman 6-8 months pregnant, afraid to say anything because…. YOU NEVER KNOW.
That is one question that I have been waiting for since I have gained way too much weight for my small frame. Since this added weight decided to fan out a bit I now have a huge gut. It is horrible. I finally figured out what I could say if asked, “Nope, just a food baby.” Thankfully I have started watching what I eat and going to the Y. Down 9lbs and what feels like a million to go.
And you never, ever ask that question! Hell, I had an inkling last year that a friend was pregnant but I never asked, just waited until she told me.
Now if you will excuse me, I have to go eat some lettuce. . .
Terrible! That’s women’s law numero uno!! My husband’s rule is never to ask even if there is a head coming out of her. Just. Don’t. Ask.
Jenna
callherhappy.com
I teach customer service classes, and we cover this very topic. My advice to my students is, unless her water breaks right in front of you,, you don’t mention it. Ever ever ever.
Hilarious! It’s happened to me a few times when I was definitely not pregnant. I have started to reply, “No, I’m just fat.” I’ve been thinking about making a t-shirt that says something along those lines.
But this post has me thinking. It’s weird that relative strangers think my (not) pregnant body is their business, but many of these same people, most likely, also think that my children, once they have been born, should stay the heck out of their lives in restaurants, planes, stores, etc. I guess people are just helplessly nosy and judgmental, but I sort of wish they would be consistent!
I had the same thing happen to me. I was too wearing an empire waist dress (that has since been donated). I have a slightly puffy tummy. I have always been that super skinny girl so it was definitely a blow. The lady said in response “oh I saw you rubbing your (puffy) tummy. Even when it is so obvious that someone is pregnant I keep my mouth shut unless they have confirmed it.
Another story…My father in law is the total put your foot in your mouth type, well one time we were in a restaurant and he asked the waitress how far along she was, she told him that she was not pregnant. As if that were not bad enough he persisted and said “naw! are you sure?” uh just slightly awkward!!!
Honestly, Megan, just about every woman I know my age has been asked at least once. It’s just not something anyone likes to brag about! LOL.
I LOVE the FIL story. SO FUNNY.
And that is why I do not wear empire waisted anything. As a curvy woman, I WOULD look pregnant. My SIL got asked that question once, and she was wearing a baggy (her word) dress. She laughed it off. I said, I’d have ripped off the dress and strangled her with it for asking such a stupid question that is none of her business. You just. don’t. ask. that. question. ever!
So now you’re going to burn that dress, right?
It is now reserved for house wear only!
At the end of a meal with a guy friend (separate checks and all), the server looks at us both and says, “How exciting! Do you know yet, boy or girl.” My friend stammered and turned red while I quickly responded with, “It’s a fat.”
Best. Non-pregnant pregnancy story. Ever. Or worst, depending on how you look at it. ;D
I’ve made the same mistake and will never ask that question again. (Don’t worry, I learned it before you published this post!) Sorry you got asked….
Last year, I actually came THIS close to saying something to a woman I know very well- I was just SURE she was pregnant and even overheard her talking about a baby coming. THANK GOD I didn’t say anything, because she wasn’t! She had been talking about a friend’s pregnancy and she just… LOOKED PREGNANT. :/
Sadly– I learned this lesson the hard way while I was in college. The look on the girl’s face when I asked the question taught me a valuable lesson. Unless I can LITERALLY SEE THE BABY CROWNING, I do not ask. Ever.
A few years ago I was at a beer tasting at the Atlantic City Convention Center. I have a more developed taste for beer than most of my girlfriends so I ventured off into the vast array of brewery kiosks. While trying to find my friends again, with a drink in each hand, a guy came up to me and said, “Wow! Give me a high five! You’re a real champ!” I stared at him completely puzzled. Everyone else there had two or more drinks in hand and I was walking alone, not doing anything out of the ordinary. He finally said, “I mean come on! Hanging out in Atlantic City drinking some beers while you’re pregnant?!? That’s awesome!”
I stared in horror for about 3 seconds then threw both of my beers in his face.
Granted, I’m a bigger girl, but I’m proportioned correctly. I might look chubby but I do NOT look pregnant. And evidently I looked like the type of person who’d get knocked up and go drink heavily. Thanks, guy.
Needless to say, he was not happy, I was not happy, security was not happy. I told them my reason for giving this man in his late 40s-early 50s (I was 22 at the time) a well-deserved beer bath and they actually escorted HIM out!!! While I was still mortified and felt more self-conscious than ever, I was overjoyed that the security guards (male!!) were on my side!
Bwah ha ha ha ha! I guess that “acquaintance” should have been glad I didn’t have a drink in my hand! 😀
I have gotten asked that question a few too many times (every. single. time.) and I don’t have a good response. I won’t ask someone even if they are 8 or 9 months along… I would rather feel dumb than make someone else feel awful.
I was at work wearing scrubs and somebody asked me the same thing. I spent the rest of the day hiding in my office. lol
After sticking his foot in his mouth once (maybe twice) my husband’s mantra is that he will never again ask a woman is she is pregnant unless she has a baby sticking halfway out of her birth canal.
I have had this happen to me many times. I always get caught off guard and never have a great response. the last time I was pregnant I miscarried and the time before that I had a tumor removed (along with an ovary and fallopian tube)- I was waiting for someone to ask me THEN if I was pregnant so I could answer with something witty and dark…. but nobody did. Being 6 months pregnant now I just tell people so they don’t have to wonder “is she fat or is she pregnant”. sigh.
p.s this is my blog.
Sigh, it’s even upsetting for pregnant women who are not ready to announce. I’m really tiny, so if I stop working out I get an immediate belly. So even though I’m 11 weeks pregnant, the belly is definitely NOT a result of the baby yet. It’s simply a pudge that is more apparent when I’m wearing loose clothing or as yesterday, have my 14mo on hip and it’s pushing said belly out. To which my European neighbor who just got back from 6 months away looked down from her 2nd floor porch and shrieked, “are you pregnant????” Uh, yes. Bye now!
Ok so this exact situation happened to me a few weeks ago. I just lost 7 pounds and I was at my daughters parent support group. I was leaning over putting things away and the following convo took place.
Crazy Mom: Oh be careful, I can do that for you?
Me: I’m fine. Why?
Crazy Mom: Your tummy
Me: What? Oh my God I am not pregnant.
Yeah and this happended in front of about 5 other people and I did not mean to say “Oh my God” but geeze I just worked my butt off to lose wait and What? So, yeah I will never ask anyone unless they are 9 months along and then I won’t even ask. Let me also tell you what a struggle my diet has been since.
[…] I told you why you might see me around without a wedding ring on and was asked the WORST QUESTION EVER. […]
Tried the Coconut Pinapple one and please know it is just aweful. Very bitter for skinny girl diet. I will not try any others.