>It’s Too Darn Hot

>It’s official. The ridiculous heat we’ve been suffering through has dried up my creative juices.

How’s that for a disgusting image?

All I know is that every time I’ve sat down at my computer the last two days, I’ve had nothing. Nada. Zip. There are stories I could’ve told you, of course, but the thought of even attempting to do so made me feel vaguely nauseated. Not to mention the fact that when I did try to write, Firefox would inexplicably close, sucking everything I’d managed to type into the Abyss of Lost Internet Projects. Which was probably for the best, since it all sucked, anyway.

So instead of writing, I spent the last two days cleaning the house, holding a meeting for the co-op preschool I’m starting in a few weeks, carrying Bruiser everywhere (he’s one of those weird babies that likes to be held– what’s up with that?!) teaching Punky some new nursery rhymes, watching four highly-satisfying episodes of Grey’s Anatomy, reading Bait and Switch (don’t bother- It’s nowhere near as good as Nickel and Dimed, which I highly recommend), cooking a couple of kick-ass dinners, and doing a freelance TV producing job for last night’s America’s Got Talent finale. See, even when I’m not doing anything, I’m busy. I suspect it stems from the Second Coming fear instilled in me during my early childhood. If Jesus returns today, for example, I’ll be able to tell him, “Well, I cussed some and had a few impure thoughts, but I also got every last poop stain out of the baby’s clothes, earned a significant amount of grocery and gas money for just a few hours of work, and made a divine (excuse the term) pot roast, even after discovering I had no red wine, which gives it its signature flavor.” And, with any luck, pop! Bam! I’ll be whisked into Heaven, while all those poor suckers who spent their morning watching The Price is Right are forced to stick around for Armaggeddon.

But that’s not the point of this post. The point is that the heat? It’s making us all go a little crazy. And by ‘us’, I mean humans, of course, but also. Insects. Insects! Gah!

I don’t like using insecticide in a house with two small children, so by some miracle, I’ve managed to come up with all sorts of creative ways to eliminate pests permanently and irrevocably from the Ferrier domicile. After a few major Ant Battles in the spring, we were, for the most part, bug-free all summer long. But after eleventy hundred days of 100+ degree weather, they’re back. And how can I blame them? It’s freaking hot outside. Their thoraxes are sweaty. Their antennae are trembling. They need relief from the burning sun and they’ll risk death-by-Domino Magazine (I knew there was a reason I signed up for that free subscription!) to get it.

So in they come: a steady stream of ants marching under my front door and straight into the luxury confines of the deluxe ant trap I’ve so lovingly prepared for them. A wiggly parade of millipedes slowly making their way inside from the garage. A gaggle of house flies, waiting patiently outside the front door until some hapless human opens it and they can zoom inside. An army of tiny spiders, weaving dusty webs in every corner. I’m trying to get rid of them, but I can’t keep up.

Really, nothing bothers as much as the flies. Ugh! The flies! I hear one buzzing in a window and I can’t rest until I’ve shrieked and bapped the window a few times with my rolled up magazine and killed it dead. The awful part is that even after I’ve disposed of its twitching body in the toilet (disposal is key because have you noticed? Sometimes, you think you’ve killed a fly, but you have only stunned him! And he will recover and take vengeance by zooming around your head for the next three hours!), I hear ghost buzzing. Seriously. The fly is dead, but I keep thinking I still hear the faintest buzzing coming from the window. Gah!

I tell you, this heat is getting to me! The only thing that can explain why it’s been hot for so long is that Jesus really is on his way and in that case, I need to go because I have some windows that seriously need cleaning…