Let’s Hear It for the Non Pablos!

Oh Juan Pablo.

Ay, ay, ay.

The worst-ever season of The Bachelor ended explosively Monday night with Rico Suave Juan Pablo sending contestant Clare home just a few hours after inexplicably telling her that he could see them getting married and having babies together.  That left Nikki as the last lady standing.  J.P. rewarded her with the final rose and a lame assurance that they could start dating for realz in four months. “Don’t get grouchy later,” we heard him whisper romantically to her as the final episode ended. “Don’t be grouchy.”

Does this guy know how to make a girl swoon, or what?

Moments later on the live After the Final Rose special, viewers got to see Juan Pablo and Nikki awkwardly reunite for the first time in 120 days. As Juan Pablo hedged question after question regarding how he truly felt about his new ‘girlfriend,’ it was supremely uncomfortable watching Nikki gaze at him like a lovesick puppy, wholeheartedly accepting the dregs of his lukewarm affection.

I think  some of the reason for America’s collective discomfort with this not-so-happy ending is that most of us have been in Nikki’s shoes– probably not on live television, thank God, but we’ve been there.

Ohhhh, have we been there.

If we’re honest, nearly all of us have our own Juan Pablo hidden somewhere in our romantic histories. He’s the guy you’d rather not think about– ever again– but with his merciless besito-grubbing, his relentless ab flexing and his shameful male duckface, Juan Pablo brought many cringeworthy memories of Tools I Have Known to the surface– and for that, I just want to take this opportunity on behalf of women everywhere to say thank you.

Thank you, Juan Pablo.

And for that matter, thank you to all the guys out there who are a lot like you.

Thank you all for making lewd and inappropriate comments.

Thank you for standing us up.

Thank you for never calling.

Thank you for always putting yourselves first.

Thank you for making the status of our physical relationship your primary (only?) concern.

Thank you for cheating.

Thank you for staring at other women when you were with us.

Thank you for not saying “I love you” back.

If it weren’t for the Juan Pablos in our lives, we probably wouldn’t have been as grateful as we were when a real man — a Non Pablo, if you will–  finally came along.

Nikki, it’s time to chalk J.P. up as a very painful learning experience and move on. I feel certain that your own Non Pablo is waiting for you and after all you’ve been through, girl, I have no doubt you’ll be able to fully appreciate all the love, affection and integrity he has to offer.

As for Juan P, I’m sure it’s not easy to see your personal stock drop so drastically after starring in a television series, but I think I speak for millions when I tell you this:

ESS OKAY.

Header image courtesy of The Bachelor