Let’s Talk About Sex… Again!

 

After school, one of my stepdaughters sat at the kitchen table while I made dinner. The talk turned to who was doing it at school (pretty much everyone), who was on birth control (pretty much everyone), and who dished about the gory details at every opportunity (pretty much everyone).

 

“See, that’s so… high school,” I sighed as I measured out flour for the cornbread.

 

“Talking about it like that, during class,” I continued. “Bragging about it, and turning it into gossip. In college, it isn’t that way at all. People keep their business to themselves. Not that I’m advocating sex during college!” I stammered. “But high school, especially. That’s what happens. This very special moment that you want to remember forever becomes another sordid story overheard in the hallway. And who wants that? What girl wants that?”

 

My stepdaughter nodded vehemently and once again, I thanked the heavens that neither of my girls is seeing anyone right now.

 

“You know,” I said a few minutes later, “I’ll tell you the real reason I don’t want you or your sister to have sex in high school, and not to take it lightly, like everyone else does. I mean, nothing is happening at your high school that didn’t happen in mine, so I think have a pretty good handle on what’s going on. But the thing is, I’ve seen what happens to all these girls after high school.”

I spoke slowly. I wanted to get this right.

 

“These girls who treat sex like it’s nothing lose their dignity,” I said. “It doesn’t necessarily seem like a big deal at the time, but things change down the road. Eventually, they meet the man they want to marry and all of the sudden, it’s important to them that he see a woman standing in front of him who has respected herself and her body, and they know that’s not the case.” I smiled. “I don’t want that for you. You deserve better. Your future husband deserves the very best you that you have to offer him.”

 

We talked some more and I, for a change, was satisfied with what had come out of my mouth. Being forced into the subject from time to time has helped refine how I feel about premarital sex, and it’s not necessarily the same way that my parents felt. I mean, I hold their same ideals of waiting until marriage, but I don’t want to be so judgmental that my girls are afraid to tell me if they’re planning on having sex anyway. I want to make sure they’re protected. I want them to make it to adulthood without an STD or a pregnancy. And I want to do all those things without it coming off like I’m approving of high school sex. Is that even possible? Right now, I just stumble along, trying to present compelling arguments for waiting every chance I get.

 

“You’ll never regret the things you didn’t do with a guy,” I’ve told my stepdaughters more than once. “You’ll never have issues over not having sex with him. But there’s a very good chance you’ll regret the things you did do with a guy. I mean, most of your relationships are doomed to fail eventually, right? You’re hoping to only marry one person. So you want to be very careful about what you do with a guy, because there’s an excellent chance that you’ll part on bad terms at some point in the future, and you want as few regrets as possible.”

 

These are the things I wish someone had told me at 17. I don’t have any illusions that I can come up with a magic combination of words and singlehandedly convince them not to have sex or do drugs or drink alcohol in high school. They’ll have to learn some things for themselves. But I can and will do my damnedest to make them think twice about it. And just as importantly, to be there for them when they fall. Because they will, you know. To some extent, we all did.

This post originally appeared on Parents.com.