Little Mirrors

“I need you to put your shoes on, Punky. It’s time to go,” I said the other day as I scooped up my purse and phone and strapped on my sandals. My ten year old, a little churlish at being rushed out the door, pulled her sneakers from the shoe basket by the front door and began putting them on.

“And I also need you to put the dog in her crate for me, please,” I said, searching for my keys among the small toys, catalogs, and school papers littering the kitchen counter.

“I’m putting on my shoes right now,” she said quietly, tying one of her laces. “I can’t exactly do two things at once, now can I?”

“Punky,” I said in a warning tone. “That is not how you talk to any adult, let alone your mother.”

“But I was just telling the truth,” she said, trying to sound innocent.

“You had a sarcastic tone,” I said. “And using sarcasm is inappropriate when you’re talking to a grown-up.”

Even as the words came out of my mouth, I felt sheepish and hypocritical. That sarcastic tone my daughter has begun trying on for size?

She got that from me.

Sarcasm is my first defense when I’m hurt or irritated or defensive, and over the years, it’s been all too easy to use on the kids. At first, they didn’t understand it, and so I guess it became an easy way for me to lose my temper without really losing my temper, if that makes sense. But a few years ago, Punky began commenting “You’re being sarcastic,” after I made certain comments. And she was right.

And now, at ten, she’s using it, too.

Each time she does it, I see in her a sharp and unforgiving reflection of myself, one that makes my stomach churn. How can I possibly chastise my daughter when she’s simply doing what I do almost every single day? If it weren’t for me, Punky wouldn’t be such an expert at sarcasm, and the thought that I’m saddling my children with bad habits that have plagued me for decades is so shameful that it’s hard for me to even write these words down.

But we all face this as parents, don’t we? At first, it’s funny- Most of us have a story about the time our toddler or preschooler shouted a curse word they overheard many times from Mommy or Daddy. But as they grow older, the bad habits they learn from us aren’t so humorous. As a parent, there’s very little as gut wrenching as the realization that our children have picked up the worst in us. Many things are beyond our control, but this?

This is all on us.

“Look, Punky,” I said as she finished lacing up her shoes. “I know I’m sarcastic a lot. It’s one of my worst habits. It’s hurt my relationships with other people over the years in more ways than I even want to think about. I don’t want that for you.”

She looked at me for a moment. “I love you, Mom,” she said quietly.

“I love you, too,” I said, so grateful for those words.

We both smiled– and suddenly, the reflection in my little mirror changed. And what I saw wasn’t so horrible after all.