>Matching Up
>I was talking to a mom friend of mine on the playground a year or so ago when the subject of what we fed our children came up.
“If I had a lot more money,” I confided, “I would love to have given Punky only hormone-free milk and organic baby food. But it’s just too expensive.”
“Well, I feed Jason all organic foods,” my friend replied. “You just make a decision that that’s where your resources will go and then you stick with it.”
I looked at her, dumbstruck. She was a waitress, struggling to make ends meet. As pinched as my family was for cash, we had far more money to work with than she did. Suddenly, I felt like a total heel, as though our “resources” were going to beer and movie rentals when they could be going to free range chicken.
Oh screw it, I tried to tell myself. Everyone knows processed foods are where it’s at. Nevertheless, when Bruiser was ready for solids, I opted for organic baby food over the regular kind. Our resources are going to organic foods now, I’ve told myself primly while looking over our newly-inflated grocery bell. And I’ve felt good about my decision, really good….
…that is, until I spent time with another mommy friend not too long ago. Once again, the subject of what we fed our babies came up. (Yes, my single friends, this really is pretty much the extent of all conversation between new moms. And yes, it fucking sucks.)
“I’m only feeding Bruiser Gerber organics,” I said exultantly. “I feel so much better now that I’ve made that decision.”
“Well, I’m happy to say I never fed Jasmine a single container of baby food,” she replied. “I made everything myself.”
Pffffffffffffffffftttttttttttt.
You guessed it. That was the sound of my mommy ego deflating.
I’ve come to the conclusion that no matter what I do for my children, it will never be enough. And so now, the whole child-rearing process is nothing more for me now than an elaborate system of checks and balances. My organic decision, for example, neutralizes the fact that Bruiser’s baby food comes pre-made in plastic tubs. And while my kids are probably chewing on leaded toys, at least I threw out the cheap ones! That means they’re now chewing on fewer toys with lead! Oh, and yes, I heat up bottles in the microwave, but on the other hand, I am really good about frequent diaper changes and diaper rash is almost unheard of around here! And although I only bathe my children every other day, when I do, it’s a really lonnnnnng bath!
The system works just as well when I compare myself with other mothers. Melissa buys her daughter lots more toys than I buy mine, but she also spends way less time with her than I spend with Punky. Danielle has already taught her son to read… but she lets him act like a total hellion on the playground, while I make sure that Punky behaves herself. Jane has started a garden with her preschooler, but she hasn’t taken him to the doctor for his annual checkup in well over a year. Factoring in these pros and cons helps me convince myself that I’m actually not the world’s worst mother- nor are my mom friends the world’s best.
I only wish I had the guts to neutralize aloud.
“That’s great that you never gave Jasmine baby food, Anne! It really makes up for the way you pretend like you haven’t noticed that she’s pooped in her diaper when we’re at Starbucks!”
“Organics only, Janice? Wow! Now I don’t think it’s so awful that you put Jason in those smocked rompers!”
I know, I know. I’m awful.
But don’t worry; I’ll even it all out by reading five books today to my kids….
>Don’t you wish we could be that honest when we get all self-righteous? I know I do.BTW, I’m one of those moms that doesn’t take the kids in for well check ups once they are past the vax stage. And we don’t garden…yet. Hmmmm, not sure what the balance of that is except maybe I’m teaching them we can be healthy w/o having to have a doctor tell us so?
>I had a mom snottily ask me, “Why do you nag your son like that?”I responded, “So he doesn’t act like like a heathen like your son does.”A few months later, she was asking me for parenting advice.Heh.
>My kids are older and I am so glad that alot of that judging and comparing seems to go away. I am guessing it may return around the teenage years?
>LOL I totally relate. It feels like as a mom you are always being one-upped. I hate that because then you feel the need to backpeddle and explain your reasonings and/or feel the need to change everything you do. Yes sometimes I let my 9 yr old son stay home by himself for an hour or two, but I DO NOT let him watch any movie above a PG rating because I don’t feel those subject matters are appropriate for his age yet. Yes I may not buy pop-tarts for him because I think they are just gigantic cookies in the morning, but I let him eat what he wants when he visits other people. Checks and balances…you couldn’t be more correct.
>Oh girl…I let my kids eat McDonalds and I’ve willingly purchased PopTarts and yes we still have all of our plastic crap toys here at the house. I am also the queen of buying cheap Kroger brand snacks like nutritionally bereft crackers! I am guilty as charged. The all organic stuff is overwhelming to me. Also what are these moms going to do when their kids are in school or want to sneak a Milky Way to the movies? It’s so much easier being a slacker. 😉
>I only made my own baby food (out of whatever we were eating for dinner, plus mashed potatoes, into the processor) because my darling Diva refused to touch anything that can from a jar. But I didn’t breatfeed. I tried with the first, and he flat out refused. with the other two, I didn’t even try. I gave the nurses all kinds of reasons to justify it.. but honestly… I just didn’t want to. It was so nice to get a night of sleep over the weekend and let DH take the midnight feed. With the baby, DH was working the night shift, and would come home just in time to feed the Tank. They’d be asleep on the couch in the morning when I woke up, and I don’t think I had to wake up in the middle of the night with him more then a handful of times. Sleep is good. and yet, that wasn’t a good enough reason, and I constantly found myself justifying our decision to bottle feed to just about everyone. Competitive mommying. He he he… If you homeschool, it gets even worse. *S*
>It’s such a tricky balance, isn’t it? Although I regularly blog about my children (don’t we all?), there are many things I never mention on purpose. Mainly because I don’t want to anger the trolls (or some of the few mommies I can connect with. I have few real life mommy friends), and it sucks to have to omit things like that.
>great topic. I am all for sustainability and responsible consumerism, (and I am a baby-slinging, cloth-diapering, co-sleeping, wingnut), but I can’t bear it when people get pious about it. you can only be so pure, y’know?
>Seriously, love yourself and your children enough to KNOW you are doing the best you can. If you hear talk from a mother and feel her approach to be something of envy, then push the envy aside and just try to focus on the fact it is a postive and try to work that into your own approach. Other women and moms should be a source of encouragement, never making you feel less of a person. If you get that feeling from a mom or woman then I see it as one of two possible things…1) You need to work on your own self esteem and figure out why you are feeling this way or 2) That person is not someone you want to be around anyway. It could go either way.As a mother I care for all children. I can’t even begin to comprehend this notion that I should use another mother’s poor decisions with their child in order to make me feel adequate and a better mother?! Please don’t take this as an attack. Seriously, I love your blog and think you are hilarious. I just feel that women need to get a grip.
>I think sometimes moms get so tired of being under appreciated, they try to make themselves feel better by making other moms feel inadequate. I hope that makes sense.
>You only bathe your children every other day?Oh for shame.
>The working world is dog eat dog. The stay at home world is mom eat mom.
>When my son was born I joined a mom’s group that required me to go through an orientation. WTF? I thought, but I had just moved and was desperate, so I did it.One of the main points of the orientation was that we had to agree to disagree, and try to never make judgemental comments about other moms.It was a struggle sometimes, but it really was the least judgemental and most helpful group of moms I’ve ever been in. I don’t know if all their groups are like this, but it was part of the National Association of Mothers’ Centers.Now if I can just keep from THINKING judgemental thoughts as well as keeping my mouth shut, I’ll be doing great!
>pb&j, I think that makes perfect sense. Which is all the more reason we need to be encouraging of each other and not degrading. We really are shooting ourselves in the foot when we put down the very people who really can understand and appreciate what we all struggle with as moms….be you new age style, old age style, crunchy, conservative, organic, the cheaper the better….whatever. What it all boils down to is we need to get over pleasing others before pleasing the most important people of all….ourselves and our children.
>Most of us mamas do the best we can. And I think the whole organic thing is overrated anyway. I honestly think that some mothers overcompensate for being “weaker” in other areas of parenting by embracing and going overboard with others. I think it all shakes out. I think us GOOD mamas take things a day at a time and follow our gut & our friends’ good advice. Ultimately our kids come out fine.RIGHT?
>Maybe you ought to expand your horizons of friends?
>We did homemade foods for my son when he was a baby. The big reason was $$$ and it was the only way I made fresh veggies and fruit for the rest of us. HA! Now that he’s off of “baby food”, the only veggies we see come frozen or in cans. It’s sad, really.
>You bathe your kids every other day?!!! Well, you’re one up on me there. :-)Honestly, do what feels right for you and your family. There are so many different ways to parent and to parent well. I’ve met so many moms who think that their way is the only “right way”. It’s just not true. I do my best every day and have make decisions based on what is important to us, not others. It may not always jive with other folks, but it doesn’t need to.
>Ha ha…I bathe my children twice a week. Unless they super stink, that is….Bad mommy am I
>oh girl, I stress just like you do. We can only try so hard….our kids will still prosper….much love to you…
>Some of my parenting decisions are so “good,” I try not to mention them in public, because the last thing I want to do is make other mothers feel bad for doing things that aren’t actually causing serious amounts of harm. Plus, then they could point at me and ask why my son’s hair is always shaggy, why he’s so incredibly loud, and why he can recite ten minute segments of Bob the Builder.
>Lindsay,Off subject here (although I loved this blog – I felt this way so often when the kids were young and am feeling it again as we all watch our kids pick colleges) but anyway – Was the Tyra show today the one you were supposed to be on. They had a panel of women who were suffering from post partum depression? I thought maybe some of the struggles you have had with Bruiser not sleeping etc would have gotten you on the panel. If you didn’t catch it, it was actually really a good show – made me cry a few times. The women were so honest about some really tough stuff. Anyway, it would have been an interesting show to be on but also a tough one.
>Nope. The topic was baby beauty pageants, which would have been far more fun to discuss!
>Oh darn, I wish you had gotten on – now that would have made GREAT telvision!!
>Oh, wow -what a great post. I think pb&j in a bowl hit it right on the head! But what can we do about it? Lift each other up, encourage and support the best we can. We’re all trying so hard to do the same thing, and that’s raise happy, well-adjusted, healthy, well-behaved, compassionate, KIND children. Damn. I’d be overjoyed to get HALF of those attributed instilled. I need help, and one of the places I get it are blogs like this that doesn’t take itself too seriously and makes me snort with laughter. FYI: just red Barbara Kingsolver’s Animal, Vegetable, Miracle and loved it. It’s all about repsonsible consumerism, and eating locally & organically whenever possible. If you can get past the preachy bits, I think you would really enjoy it.
>Great post! Why do we do this to each other?Fortunately my closest friend, who had her last one 6 weeks after I had my last one, is not this way. I work, she is a SAHM; I nurse for 6-7 months and do bottle supplements after 3 months, she nurses as long as possible; she makes baby food and stores it using the plastic baby food containers she gets from me; I bath mine nearly once a day, she baths hers on occasion; we use Huggies, she uses cloth diapers; she’s uber strict about bedtimes for the older ones, we’re not. And so on. No judging. She’s awesome.
>You know what makes you a a good mom?The fact that you worry about what you are doing to better your children.Be it organic milk or Kroger brand milk, it doesn’t matter.My philosophy is teach them to eat healthy and good rules etc cause you are raising adults not children.And love them the best you know how.There will always be guilt and always be the bitchy mom comparing or degrading what you do.Screw em’
>Well, homemade baby food is definitely cheaper than Gerber organics. That’s why I do it. Except of course when I find organic baby food at Big Lot’s for $.25 a jar.Not that that was your point or anything, but a lot of people do those things that everyone else feels sanctimonious about, cloth diapers, breastfeeding, making your own baby food, co-sleeping (Hello, cribs are expensive) simply because it’s practical budget wise, although less convenient.Honestly, I started co sleeping ’cause I was too lazy to get up in the middle of the night. I need to sleep through the night. Then I read all the stuff about how it’s supposed to be good for the baby and was all, “Hey, see, I have good instincts.” :)I think we all do that to some extent.
>I’m laughing now — but if I was on the tail end of one of my own “match ups”, I’d probably be sniffling!I posted something about this over at my blog, http://www.writer-mommy.com We mommies all gotta Get Over It, the endless need to compete for Mommy Perfection.Smiles atcha!
>My youngest never had baby food. I love to say this to snotty moms, just because it makes me sound so virtuous. But the truth is, Lovebug wouldn’t eat baby food. But they don’t have to know that, do they?
>I hate to break it to you but — it NEVER ends. I got to the point where I started avoided particular mothers so I wouldn’t have to listen to them go on and on…all the while knowing what mopes her kids actually were! Some people just have a way of trying to build themselves up.
>I’d like to suggest that you can be my new best friend and I’ll make you feel AWESOME about your parenting choices.I have a feeling I’m going to be a bit hit or miss as far as the ol scorecard goes. But really, if you just hose them off once a week – kinda like my approach to cleaning the bathroom…
>I sent this post to my daughter who is expecting her first child in March. I hope it will give her a few nights of peaceful sleep knowing that she is going to be the best mother for HER child! Thank you!(P.S. Please don’t tell her there is no thing as peaceful sleep now that she will have a child! hahahaha!)
>I’m glad I read this today! With my all-organic MIL here this weekend, watching my every move (& non-move) with my son, this is just what I needed. THANK YOU Lindsay!We buy a lot of organics & do our best with the rest… but, yeah, they can just ZIP IT!
>It’s hard to live by the adage of doing your best when it seems like everybody else’s best is WAY better than yours, isn’t it?Hang tough.
>Heh heh. Smocked rompers – ick.Lindsay, you are a jewel. Don’t let anybody tell you anything different.–she whose son has to be forced into the shower twice a week….
>Funny story…my youngest daughter HATED baths until she was about 3. My husband and I had to literally hold this child down at least once a week when it was so bad she could not go another day and bath her to these blood curdling screams and hope that the neighbors didn’t call the cops. So, I could have traumatized her further with forced daily baths or go the route we went doing it only when needed and now I have a child that I can’t get out of the bath and learned to swim at 5….go figure.All children are different….and so are all parents. The only wrong way is caring what others think over what you or your children do.
>You are so hilarious. I really love your site. Thank you for helping spread the truth about the hilarities of motherhood.:)