My Personal Assistant
When I heard her conditions, I couldn’t resist. Available any time, day or night. Will accept room and board in lieu of payment. Promises to assist you in any and every matter. I hired her on the spot.
My personal assistant is so very dedicated, she literally has become my shadow. People even say she looks like me (besides her big, puffy derriere). Clearly she’s taken cues from my own personal sense of style.
This is her first job acting as a personal assistant. Actually, it’s her first job, period. So there are a few glitches, a few problem areas… We’re working on them.
For instance, while she is very good about answering my telephone for me, “Dahhh ach ma goo,” is not generally considered to be an appropriate greeting.
And although I appreciate her determination to remain within inches of me at all times, her insistance on running behind me with her arms flailing, crying out “UhhhhhUhhhhhUhhhhUhhhh” with each step– is a bit much.
When I am busy and need help with, say, counting, she’s a total loss. “Twoooooo…. Fweeee… Fyze!” simply does not do me any good whatsoever.
And forget about the focus staying on me… My personal assistant has irrevocably stolen my spotlight. No matter where we go, everyone only has eyes for her. Myself included.
You may ask why I keep her around. Well, ultimately, I consider her to be a valuable addition to my household staff.
She is utterly devoted to my every whim, whether it be the proper buckling of stiletto heels or the vacuuming of the living room carpet.
She has a great, slapstick sense of humor… You might find her wearing a tutu on her head, for example, or turning in circles while shouting “Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!” And heaven knows, I love to laugh.
Finally, she’s not afraid to demonstrate her devotion. I can appreciate an assistant who’s not afraid to give hugs. And while some might consider it inappropriate to let one’s personal assistant sit in one’s lap, for us, it works.
I would recommend my personal assistant to anyone. But I am afraid she’s not for hire and won’t be for quite some time. However, I hear that in general, personal assistants are not too hard to find… provided you’re willing to endure the nine-month application period.
