Hi! I'm Lindsay Ferrier. You might remember me from a blog called Suburban Turmoil. Well, a lot has changed since I started that blog in 2005. My kids grew up, I got a divorce, and I finally left the suburbs for the heart of Nashville, where I feel like I truly belong. I have no idea what the future will hold and you know what? I'm okay with that. Thrilled, actually. It was time for something totally different.
September 12, 2011
After Punky was born (and…well… after her smooshed newborn face had straightened out a bit and she’d lost that loathsome infant acne), I couldn’t wait to show her off to the world.
My new baby was the most adorable creature that had ever graced this earth, and she had the designer (via consignment, BUT STILL) wardrobe and tiny, handmade hairbows to prove it. I remember showing her off in every possible situation during those first few years, from the grocery to the library, so proud of my baby that I could pop. I also remember glancing around surreptitiously to see what kind of impact the World’s Most Beautiful Baby was having on the mere mortals surrounding her. Those who ooh’ed and ahh’ed appropriately received a beatific (if somewhat smug) smile from me in return. Those who didn’t–
They got the stink eye.
Any new mother can relate to how I felt. We show off our firstborn children with the same mooney-eyed pride that an overnight multi-millionaire exhibits when he takes his first Ferrari out for a spin. It doesn’t matter if the kid has jug ears or eleven toes– a new mom finds nothing more beautiful in this world than her baby, and she fully expects everyone else to agree with her assessment. And so when I see these moms fussing over their babies in restaurants or at the mall, I try to cut them some slack, even if their angelic little cherubs are busy screeching like apes in heat or noisily pooping their diapers. I fully remember those days when my child could do no wrong. That time is precious, and it really does pass all too quickly.
Or at least, it should.
The problem is that while for most of us, the newness inevitably wears off around the second or third year and we realize with a start that the universe actually doesn’t exist simply to pay homage to our impossibly beautiful butterlumps, a few moms and dads out there STILL persist in the belief that their children are in fact rosy little demigods, placed here on this earth for all to honor and revere.
NEWSFLASH.
No one thinks your kid is cute but you.
Of course I’m not insinuating that you in particular, dear reader, are one of the offenders.
Unless you’re the dad who was shopping at Kroger last weekend and blocking the entire aisle with his cart while he tended to his fighting four and six-year-old daughters seated in the front. It wasn’t so much that he was helping them — We’ve all faced the humiliation of trying to calm down our kids while inconveniencing others.
No, it was the way he smiled indulgently as they shrieked like hyenas and looked at everyone around him as if to say, “Are these sonic barrier-busting gremlins not the MOST FREAKIN’ ADORABLE CREATURES YOU HAVE EVER SEEN IN YOUR LIFE?”
No, sir, they were not. MOVE YOUR CART.
I know you’ve seen these parents. They’re the ones grinning like idiots as their kids throw pudding in Applebees. The ones snickering appreciatively at their child’s astonishing cleverness each of the 50 times he shouts something out during the movie. The ones who think it’s just hilarious when their kid pushes your kid down during a pee wee soccer game and the ref doesn’t see it.
Not cute, parents. NOT. CUTE.
“I love children,” a mom friend said to me once. “As long as they’re mine.” I’ve learned over time to assume that most people feel this way. And while I really do believe that my children are the most precious, most intelligent, most worthy of cheek-pinching moppets to ever call Tennessee home, I’m trying to remember that to the casual observer, they probably just look like very ordinary, slightly grubby ticking time bombs, prone to erupting into a screaming fit at any minute.
I want to raise my kids to convince them otherwise– and on those occasions that they manage to do just that, and a stranger comments on it…
Don’t be surprised if a tidal wave of pent-up pride comes roaring out of my heart, in the form of an ear-to-ear grin and a heartfelt, “I know.”
It’s the best I can do.
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Amen. I once left a full cart of groceries to take my brat home. A grandpa said to me “Lady, if more parents did what you are doing, the world would be a better place.”
My brat learned his lesson. And he has been a relative angel at the grocery store ever since.
Ha! Niiiiice.
My two (now 30 somethings) still quake in their boots when I say ‘let’s step into the restroom’. When they showed their bad side in public I would firmly guide/drag them into the ladies where we’d have a ‘discussion’. If that failed, or they were just too bratty, we’d abandon our shopping (I always made sure a clerk was aware) and off to home we’d head. Trust me, it didn’t take long!
They were also under the impression that if they undid their seatbelts the car would automatically cut off…which it did, because I would pull over, no matter where we were and cut off the ignition until they were rebuckled. I did this even in Germany, where it was against the law to stop on the autobahn!
Now see, I have a problem. I keep getting feedback of how adorable my little Miss Harper Moo is and I’m afraid it might be turning me into one of …ahem…THOSE parents.
Please don’t judge me too harshly. I do think all of my kids are legitimately cute. (Please refer to my blog header for proof.) But cute doesn’t mean I allow them to engage in asshattery in public. That should score me some points eh? That and this face right here. http://yfrog.com/gzis8ryj
Well, you are still in the baby stage so you get a pass. Just see that this behavior doesn’t last past her third year. 😉
My others are ‘almost’ 3, 12 and ‘almost 16. I am NOT afraid to leave a grocery store or a movie or a park. The older ones have gotten a swat or two on the behind as well. I’m not a spanker anymore but I do not put up with nonsense.
Ah, I’m reminded of when the 16yr old was a toddler and we had to leave a movie when she wouldn’t sit down. She got so furious and cried so hard that she threw up in the car. Hey, I told her that if she didn’t behave we’d leave and leave we did. 😉
THANK YOU.
Any time!
That picture!! Haha!!
I’ve waited THREE LONG YEARS to use that picture in a post!! 😀
i love this post! There are like 6 different parents that I really want to send this too…but they may never speak to me again if I do. Speak it sister!
LOL. You could always send it anonymously… ;D
That is a GREAT picture! It took me a minute to think about that woman’s face – in this real picture. Hysterical!
Well my son melted hearts when he was a baby (I swear!!) but he’s had his share of meltdowns and I’m sure people have give us that look too! It’s too long ago to remember any specifics and now he’s just too old to smack and send to his room.
I think it’s a boy thing. 🙂 My son sometimes suffers from what I call “poor impulse control” and even he knows it. The other day I told him to stop bothering his sister and he shouted “I can’t even control myself!” LOL. Luckily, he’s gotten better with each passing year.
Oh! Reminds me of a lady at the clothing store who let her son scream “hey mom” at the top of his lungs for.ever. I almost left when an older lady walked up to him and yelled “hey little boy! stop it!” in his face. i laughed so hard at both the mom and kid’s expressions! Way to go, old lady!
Jenna
momofmanyhats.blogspot.com
I wish I could have been a fly on the wall…
Or the parents in the Cancun airport, as we were waiting for our flight home from our honeymoon, whose two little boys were running wild.
“Jimmy, Bobby, come back here…Jimmy, Bobby, come back here…Jimmy, Bobby, come back here…Jimmy, Bobby, come back here…”
Jimmy and Bobby ain’t listenin’, dude. GET OFF YOUR BUTT AND GET YOUR KID.
Whew. I feel better now. 🙂
Oh, HATE that!
Or wait! The dad at Subway who, during the lunch rush with a huge line out the door behind him, thought it would be ADORABLE to stop and ask his two little girls about every. Freaking. Topping.
“Girls, would you like pickles on your sandwich?”
“Girls, would you like tomatoes on your sandwich?”
“Girls, would you like mustard on your sandwich?”
“Girls, would you like…”
“Girls, would you like..”
Dude, the gazillion hungry people in line behind you DO NOT THINK THIS IS CUTE. Order the dang sandwich and move along.
Okay, I feel better again. 🙂
Perhaps I should start an entire website called “No One Thinks Your Kids are Cute But You…”
Um, YES. 😀
OMG yes.
Omg. That is so NOT CUTE!!!
Omg. That is so NOT CUTE!!!
I took my kid to “Up” where she yelled out, “Why does he keep talking to Ellie, doesn’t he know she’s DEAD?” And then I heard, “ELLIE’S DEAD?” from some little peanut in front of us. OH THE SHAME!
I think we’ve all had those moments!!
Oh I loved this. You captured so brilliantly and hilariously how us parents can be completely blind, deaf and dumb to the glaring imperfections of our offspring. I have known so many of these parents, but the worst are the ones who talk endlessly about how amazingly fabulous their kids are at everything!
Admittedly, sometimes that person is ME! ;D
Oh how true! I can actually remember that feeling when I realized people were still having babies… the world had not completely reached its pinnacle with the birth of my child…
Shocking, isn’t it?! 😉
Ha ha! I was just thinking tonight that my children are the two most gorgeous creatures in the world! And then I thought….hmmm…probably ought to keep that one to myself!
Well they ARE pretty darn cute, from an outsider’s perspective! 😀
Bruiser just looked at the picture for this post and said, “Why was I like that then?”
I said, “I don’t know, but I asked myself that same question every day!”
Hilarious. My son looked grumpy for the first 6 months of his life. No smile, not a one. Now he’s smiley and normal and he looks at his baby photos and asked me why he was so grumpy. Beats me kid – YOU tell me.
I always thought my girls were the most beautiful babies on earth. As do most parents! But I loved what I heard from my sister. She said “At least your kids are cute. I didn’t have to make up things to say about them, like ‘Oh, she has so much hair’ (what you say to the mother of the monkey baby) or ‘what big eyes she has (when there is nothing else to say!)
It’s funny because I knew exactly what she was talking about! We all know that there are some of those ugly babies out there and you have to try and invent ways to compliment them in front of their parents!
Ha! I know what you’re talking about. Sadly. 😉
How about the facebook friends that post in a Sunday afternoon about how proud they are of Bobby who scored three goals and then worked defense and as goalie blocked a bunch. Then you sit and re read the post and want to call the mom out as a big liar cause you were at the game and the best thing to say about Bobby was that he doesn’t need to have his uniform washed for the next game….
Uh maybe that is a whole other blog topic!
I just want to say that when I read this I just thought A frikkin MEN sister!
Or the friend who posts daily about her kid’s accomplishments, but said kid is the biggest trouble maker at school and constantly in trouble by coaches for being obnoxious.
And, of course, the kid’s just misunderstood and really a great kids at heart and those awful school workers are
Blah blah blibbity blah blah evil teacher blah blah NCLB blah common core blah.
That picture is so funny I can’t stand it. It’s perfect for this topic.
I really love my kids, think the world revolves around them but just last week, I actually called my 3 year olds (girl twins) brats – to my husband, not to them. They were so naughty this one day that I was at my absolute limit. He looked at me like I was insane – How could you say that about them? – Because they can be absolute punks sometimes, that’s why.
I’ve done that, too. I’ve actually said “You’re being a brat” and then hated myself afterward. I do know that it gets easier saying it to them when they’re older, though. Not from personal experience or anything… 😉
My kids are adorable precious angels. But only to me and their grandparents. This post makes me think of the stfuparents blog.
[…] September found me taking aim at moms who go a little too far when it comes to the Tooth Fairy, sharing my 9/11 experience for the first time ever, and writing about the sad reality that no one thinks your kid is cute but you. […]
My sons are now 17 & 20…and they just recently mentioned my personal trick to calming public misbehavior. If they weren’t listening or getting along, say at the grocery store, I’d make them hold hands with each other. They hated it! Needless to say there were very few embarrassing moments after the first time I used it.
Your kids are super cute 🙂
I KNOW!!! 😉
Hahahahaha. As someone who doesn’t have kids—but is frequently annoyed, not by parents in general, but by those who let their kids throw pudding in Applebees or kick the back of my seat for nine hours straight on a transatlantic flight—I salute you for putting this out there.
But seriously, your kids are the most freakin’ adorable creatures I have ever seen in my life 😉
I remember a co-worker earnestly telling me “Everyone thinks their child is beautiful, but mine is actually THE MOST BEAUTIFUL. He just is.” I think that is very, very sweet. Every child should have a parent who thinks this.
Or when your less-than-3-year-old grandchild is at church jumping around and you take a photo and call it “worshipping” No. It’s misbehaving in church. It’s also not cute that this same grandchild is now roaming the pews (during church!) and sitting with various people and eating other child’s snacks and playing with their toys. All while the grandparent beams with pride? No, grandparent. NO. You are the only one who finds this adorable. The rest of us find it annoying.
It may be just me but I think it is cute when other people’s kids are being mischievous or sassy. I just can’t stand when mine is lol.