Hi! I'm Lindsay Ferrier. You might remember me from a blog called Suburban Turmoil. Well, a lot has changed since I started that blog in 2005. My kids grew up, I got a divorce, and I finally left the suburbs for the heart of Nashville, where I feel like I truly belong. I have no idea what the future will hold and you know what? I'm okay with that. Thrilled, actually. It was time for something totally different.
March 13, 2009
After a week of religious discussion, what better way to end than with the story of the time I joined a cult?
Oh yes I did.
You probably think joining a cult takes a lot of forethought. There are robes to buy. And Kool-Aid. Family members to notify, and the telephone numbers of recommended deprogrammers to leave with them before you depart.
The truth, though, is that joining a cult can start with something as simple as accepting a Bible study invitation from a cheerleader. Or becoming an Arbonne consultant. It really kind of depends on what kind of cult experience you’re going for.
The full text of the column is below:
More than a few of my friends have been tempted to join a cult. Some have dallied with the Cult of Arbonne, signing on as evangelists for the expensive line of facial cleansing products and then hawking them at social gatherings with all the zeal of a Branch Davidian rhapsodizing about the Apocalypse.
Others have joined the Cult of Jimmy Choo, strapping on a $1,000 pair of Whipstitch Platform Sandals with the same glassy-eyed expression Heaven’s Gate members surely wore as they donned their black Nikes.
Lately, the Cult of Snuggie has been tempting my own family with its alluring promises of “total warmth and comfort.” I can understand that for some, joining millions of other Americans in wearing a backwards robe would have the same kind of giddy appeal as getting married in a mass wedding conducted by Sun Myung Moon.
But I tried that cult thing years ago. And let me tell you, it’s totally overrated.
Like all cult experiences, mine began with an irresistible lure: Nutmeg Hatfield. She was a popular blonde cheerleader at my high school who decided one day to overlook my clear braces, big perm, and lowly freshman status, and invite me to her church youth group.
I’d like to say I accepted her offer with visions of a closer walk with Jesus dancing in my head. The truth was that those visions involved riding shotgun in Nutmeg’s bitchin’ red Honda Prelude and meeting tons of cute guys that my mom would totally let me date because, hello, God had introduced us!
Perhaps that’s why I overlooked the weirdness once I got there. Nutmeg’s youth group was filled with teens that had been rounded up by her friends and delivered like prizes to the adult leaders. More than a few of them told me they had actually moved in with other church members because their parents just couldn’t understand their newfound devotion to Nutmeg’s church.
Nutmeg also roped me into attending a small weekly Bible study, where three church members held my hands and prayed, quoted scripture and took down my notes for me.
While the Bible study was dull, the youth group seemed like one big party. After a few weeks of attending, though, my Bible study leader took me aside and sternly told me it was time to start making some sacrifices.
“If you’re going to commit to this youth group,” she said sternly, “you need to start bringing in new members.” I stared at her. “Also, I think you spend too much time on your appearance,” she continued. “You need to deny yourself, and do less with your hair and makeup.”
Whoa. That was harsh. I was my perm. My perm was me. End of discussion.
Though momentarily shaken, I decided to overlook the fact that my Bible study leader was turning out to be a total buzz kill, as well as my discovery that Nutmeg’s parents had divorced because her father refused to join the church. I had no opinion on the way her older sister had moved to New York City because the church told her to, or that the church controlled her mom’s finances.
Because… Cute boys! Prelude! Parties!
But when my mom came home from a Bible study with Nutmeg’s mother one day, the weirdness finally reached a tipping point.
“I had a really disturbing experience,” she said. “And since you’re supposed to do the same lesson in your Bible study next week, I wanted to warn you about it.”
“What happened?” I asked.
“The lesson was about sin,” she said. “They said I needed to confess all of my sins to them.”
“What?!” I sputtered.
“They said, ‘Tell us the things that no one knows. And don’t worry, we’ve heard it all. We’ve even heard about people having sex with animals.’”
My mom was horrified, and decided to leave Bible study and never go back. And so did I. I mean, if my parents found out about the time I’d smoked a cigarette in the movie theater bathroom, or the night I stole a beer from the fridge and chugged it in the garage, the party would totally be over, anyway.
Once I announced I was dropping Bible study, Nutmeg promptly dropped me. A couple of years later, I took a World Religion class and found out in my reading that Nutmeg’s church was actually a cult! Oops!
So while today I understand the temptation of joining a group of people dressed in cozy blankets with sleeves, a group whose only crime seems to be one of fashion, take it from me, Snuggie wearers, you could indeed be getting in over your head. One day you’re doing what you want while still being trapped in warmth, the next you’re drinking Kool-Aid in Guyana.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Image via millermz/Flickr
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>Crazy! Good thing your mom figured out it was a cult, wouldn’t want you to have shaved your head and moved into a underground cave or anything!I’m leaving my comment here, because I’m too lazy to sign up over at the Nashville.
>LOL..forgot my passwoid over at the Nashville site, so commentin’ h’yar.I never joined a cult, but found myself amidst one, once, in East Texas. Tried the online dating thang, and went to visit a lil’ cutey from east of Dallas for a week. Turned out that she was living in a double-wide on a “ranch” (a few acres in the trees), laboring mightily to make it “self-sustaining” so that when Bill Clinton suspended the ’00 elections in the wake of Y2K havoc, she’d be ready to stand alone, and if necessary, shoot down them pesky black helicopters. On top of that, I got to hear one evening from her and her mom about how evil and satanic the Masons were (I was a Mason at the time, and kept that fact quiet, now surrounded by whackos as I learnt I wuz). The capper was going to Sunday church with her…their “church” was a small log cabinesque thing, again in the woods not far from her “compound”, with two dozen parishoners, singing His praises to guns, Gawd an’ shootin’ down black helicopters of the Fascist Man.I was never so glad to make it back to the Dallas airport and get the horsefeathers out of there…http://skunkfeathers57.blogspot.com
>Okay, first of all I’ve just got to say….WTF? I did NOT realize you were such a high-profile blogger! Seriously. Now I’m a little sheepish considering that you ACTUALLY came and commented on my blog. Wow. BLOWN-A-WAY.Okay. Now that I’ve regrouped….Thanks for the comment and thanks for challenging me. Your authenticity is humbling and even though you may think you’re not, you are someone people look at and wonder…”What could she possibly do that’s as sinful as me?”And, BTW, when I said in my comment back to you (in my own comment section) that we were a lot alike…well, I recant that statement now. You’re a freakin’ phenomenon…and the epitome of cool. Yes, scratch that line altogether, we are nothing alike. I will now humbly fade into the crowd and admire you from afar like everyone else.Mmmkay, thanks..goodbye.
>Well I laughed. Your writing is always captivating. But cults are really not funny. Very glad your mom had a clue. Hopefully other moms will get the same clue after reading your piece … !
>Ha ha, Beaver Bunch! Your comment was hilarious! And Lindsay, I’d love for you to look at my blog. I even have a quote from you on my site and have made comments to you in a couple of posts. But I cannot “sign up” anywhere else. I have more screen names and passwords than I can keep straight, as it is. So if you read your comments here, I’d love for you to look me up at shawna-mygirls.blogspot.com. I have something funny to say from time to time, especially about my children.
>Lindsay, I just read your article. That was stinkin’ hilarious! (your writing, not your experience) I completely understand diving head first into any gathering involving a girl named Nutmeg. How delightfully intriguing she must have been, with a name like that. How could you resist?!And on a side note, my husband is a youth minister, so I hope no one ever thinks he’s starting a cult! He DOES encourage the kids to bring their friends. Hmmmmm. 🙂 (J/K of course!)
>Nutmeg? Really?
>David Coresh thought I was a hottie .. does that count? No, I’m not joking. He used to frequent a bar my band played in regularly. In all fairness? he was an awesome guitar playing freakish cult leader. But fugly. And he scared me a little. I didn’t know who he was until later. My Hub makes fun of me anytime the Waco thing comes on tv. (wrote a post about you btw.. even though the netti pot thing made me pee a little {hussie})
>I just started reading your blog yesterday…very touching!!!Today’s article had me in tears laughing…not the cult part, but your writing. Your reference to the ‘different’ types of cults was hilarious. Glad I found your blog, courtesy, of Angie’s.
>Goodness! That was funny and scary at the same time. What would have happened if you stayed….. :o)
>Nutmeg is a pseudonym for her real name, which is equally “spicy.” I often wonder why they chose us, too, since we were already very involved in our United Methodist church and NEVER had any intention of joining their church. We just thought it would be fun to do a Bible study with friends. Boy, that was botched, huh?!
>Wow that is nuts. I know a family that go sucked into one and they are totally detached from the outside world because of it.
>Thanks for stopping by my blog : )I’m headed over to the newspaper…
>Lindsay, we’re Methodist too and I’ve recently joined a Bible study at another church (because they provide a nursery). I sure hope your experience is no indication of what I have to look forward to! Are you still Methodist, or have you been scared away from churches? 🙂
>I enjoy reading your stuff.
>WOW LOL that is crazy!!! glad you got out of that.
>I’m going to a non-denominational church right now (I think it’s non-denominational. I’m starting to see other terms like interdenominational) and I went to another non-denominational church before that one. I grew up Baptist until I was ten, and then United Methodist.
>Yeah, I consider the PTA a bit like a cult. I still haven’t joined that one yet. I’m off to read your article. Oh, and thank you for stopping by my blog earlier in the week!
>Too funny. Well, not the part where you were almost sucked in to a cult. Found your blog through Angie’s back when she featured the Backtalk post. She twittered about you a couple days ago and I find myself back here. I really enjoy your writing and candidness. We also attend a non-denominational church and we love it. I was a little confused when you wrote in a previous post that Christians weren’t supposed to go to bars for cocktails. I think I missed that memo. :)http://codyjean.blogspot.com/
>I came across your blog thru ‘Bring the Rain’ twitter and honestly have been trying to figure what ‘all the talk’ has been about… I see nothing wrong with you or your blog… I think a person’s blog and their life for that matter should be how they want it to be… I don’t have to answer for you and you don’t have to answer for me…SO now that I have said ALL that — and probably haven’t made any sense … bottom line is I think you should say what you want and be who you want….
>I knew her name couldn’t be Nutmeg! I realized that today when I was crossing the street. In fact, I think I’ve guessed her real name but I’m so sure I’m right that I won’t post it!Anyway, hilarious, as usual, and for me a nice break from the more serious conversations.
>No matter how you look at organized religion, all are ‘cults’ just by the very definition.Definition of cult.cult (kult) noun1. a. a system of religious worship or ritual b. a quasi-religious group, often living in a colony, with a charismatic leader who indoctrinates members with unorthodox or extremist views, practices, or beliefs2. a. devoted attachment to, or extravagant admiration for, a person, principle, or lifestyle, esp. when regarded as a fad, the cult of nudism b. the object of such attachment3.a group of followers; sect
>My guess is Cinnamon. And yes, we’ve actually met someone with that name.My hubby grew up Baptist and I, Methodist. But when he was looking for a job, Meth. is what was available! So here we are.
>My guess is Pepper. It’s a southern thing.
>kinda scary though, no? i think all organized religions… including my own…has cult-like tendencies. LOVE how you wrote about it though!!first timer here. nice to “meet” you!
>ok I could not find the comment section of the paper thing… duh, me. anyway I want a snuggie thing. where do I sign up for THAT cult? LOL
>a) Oh girl. I have family members still involved in said cult, although it is less culty now since the leader moved on. It might even be just a church now and they’re not down with the “sin lists” anymore. It has made for some INTERESTING family gatherings over the years, though.b) I love the transparency of your blog. Thank you for your recent posts.
Oohhh! Nutmeg, eh? That’s pretty funny!!!! Only a handful of us could evah know who you’re talking about….BTW, I got invited, too!
Ha! But you had the good sense to JUST SAY NO. 😀
The rest of the story…”Nutmeg” made it out of the cult intact and is now happily married with kids and goes to church where we do. Totally cool and still blonde and beautiful. I still think of your story just about every time I see her.
Love your new blog set-up!
Wow. What a relief! That’s great news! Do you know if the same is true for the other families from our school that were involved?
She is the only one I know personally. We have had several families come to our church over the years that have come out of the “movement” (I guess that is a polite word for cult) that have had to go through serious counseling. There is still a large “church” in Athens, GA and they still do a lot on college campuses. Sad, because it comes off a so fun and normal at first, but people who get mixed up in it really have a hard time returning to normal life.
WOW this kind of thing is what puts a bad taste in people mouth. I totally get why you don’t always talk about your faith. But it’s nice to hear about it when you do. 🙂 And this cult thing is way bizzar!