>Please Refer All Hate Mail to Teeny
>Last week, I dashed off a quick e-mail to a mom blogger I met over the summer. From what I know of her, she’s a lot like me- She has kids and stays at home with them. She works on side projects that stem from her blog. She attends blog conferences. She Twitters. In other words, we have a lot in common.
At least, that’s what I thought before I received a response to my e-mail three days later.
Hello Ms. Ferrier, it read.
This is [mom blogger’s] assistant.I will make sure that she sees this email. I am sure she will appreciate your note.Thank You,[name]Executive Assistant
And that’s when my head exploded.
Which, if a head explosion could be put into words, would look something like this:
SHE HAS AN EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT ANSWER HER BLOG E-MAILS OMG WHY DON’T I HAVE AN EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT MUST CALL HUBS WHO ELSE HAS AN EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT SO UNFAIR HERE I AM SLAVING AWAY PERSONALLY ANSWERING E-MAILS OMG I COULD HAVE HIRED AN EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT OMG HOW MUCH DO EXECUTIVE ASSISTANTS COST ANYWAY OMG THIS SUCKS OMG!!!111!!!!11!!!!!!!!
Once I calmed down, I realized there was only one thing to do…
Here is the e-mail that was sent back.
Dear [Executive Assistant]:
Thank you for writing. Lindsay regrets that she’s unable to answer each e-mail personally, however she does appreciate you taking the time to send her a message.
For autographed 8×10 photos of Lindsay, please e-mail: autographs@suburbanturmoil.com.
If you are a member of the media and would like to request a press kit, high-res images, or an interview, please e-mail:
media@suburbanturmoil.com.If you wish to schedule Lindsay to speak at your next event, please e-mail:
speakingengagements@suburbanturmoil.com.If you want Lindsay to sing at your wedding or funeral, please e-mail:
sing@suburbanturmoil.com.If you’d like to request a product review or giveaway, please e-mail:
reviews@suburbanturmoil.com.If you need to inform Lindsay that she’s inherited a large sum of money from a distant relative in the Netherlands, please e-mail:
spam@suburbanturmoil.com.General hate mail may be directed to:
trash@suburbanturmoil.com.Internship requests should be sent to:
Intern@suburbanturmoil.com.We at Suburban Turmoil want to make sure our readers are happy. If you have a general question or complaint, please e-mail:
customerservice@suburbanturmoil.com.For quality assurance, all customer service e-mails may be monitored.
Lastly, general adulation and lavish praise may be sent directly to me and I will see that Ms. Ferrier reads them.
Best,
Teeny Rockefeller
Personal Secretary
Yes, readers, I did it. I hired my own personal secretary.
Introducing Teeny Rockefeller!
Teeny will be assisting me in my mommyblogging duties from now on. While I still plan to personally answer some e-mails, Teeny will respond on my behalf whenever I need her, which will mainly occur when I’m dealing with men from Namibia who want me to transfer millions of dollars into my bank account as a personal favor.
I know some of you might think hiring a personal secretary is a bit excessive, but by now, you know me well enough to know this:
I WILL NOT BE OUTMOMMYBLOGGED.
If hiring a personal secretary is what it takes, then by golly, hiring a personal secretary is what will happen, college funds and mortgage payments and starving children in third world countries be damned!
All right then! Let’s all give Teeny a warm, warm welcome!
