Potty Talk
I never thought that peeing would be a luxury.
But with a three-year-old and a crawling, cruising baby in the house, going to the bathroom involves leaving them somewhere “secure” in the house and hoping for the best while I make a break for the toilet. That’s usually more trouble than it’s worth, which is why I generally wait until someone gets home so that I potty in peace. Suffice it to say, I’ve gotten pretty used to the feeling of a bladder that’s about to burst.
The other day, though, I just couldn’t wait. My older girls were upstairs in their rooms, stereos blaring and Bruiser and Punky were playing in the den while I watched. Suddenly, my stomach lurched. I clutched my gut and thought of the week-old steak stir fry I’d eaten two hours earlier (I know what you’re thinking, but cut me some slack. Old habits die hard).
“Punky, can you uh, watch Bruiser for a minute?” I said, heading for the bathroom.
“No, Mommy, I can’t.”
“Punky, just watch him, okay? Just make sure he doesn’t put anything in his mouth. I have to go potty.”
“But I can’t watch him, Mommy, I’m too little.” She had a point. I imagined the news headlines that night, after the Department of Children’s Services paid us a surprise visit while I was doing my bidness in the bathroom.
“A woman is charged with child neglect, after asking a three-year-old to babysit an infant, and then attempting to pay her in M&Ms.” My mugshot would flash onto the screen, sheepish and ratty-haired.
My stomach twisted again. I’d just have to take my chances.
“I’ll leave the door open, okay, Punky?” I pleaded. “Just play with him while I go potty.”
I ran to the bathroom and sat down, leaning over as far as I could to watch Bruiser in the next room. Suddenly, I heard a noise overhead. One of the girls was coming! Quickly, I closed the bathroom door, then opened it a crack so that I could still see Bruiser. After a moment, I was satisfied that no one was coming down the stairs. I opened the door wider, catching Bruiser’s attention.
“Uh oh,” I muttered. Bruiser began crawling toward me at lightning speed. I managed to close the door just as he reached the threshold. He began beating on the door with his little baby hands.
“Mommy,” Punky called from the other side. “Mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy!”
“What! What is it?!” I said. “I’m just trying to go poo poo! Can you just give me one second?!”
“I can’t stop him!” Punky said. “Bruiser wants in!”
“Well, he can’t come in!” I said. “I need privacy!”
The phone rang.
“I’ll get it!” Punky yelped. I heard her footsteps pattering away as Bruiser continued to beat on the door. She brought back the phone and knocked insistently.
“Mommy! I got the phone!” she sang. I sighed and opened the door a crack, just enough to take the phone from Punky. Bruiser’s arm snaked through the door beneath it. I pushed it back out with a toe. “Now watch him,” I commanded, and shut the door.
“Hello?” I said crankily.
“What are you doing?” Hubs asked.
“I’m trying to go to the bathroom, what does it sound like I’m doing?” I snapped. “Can’t I just have a moment to myself to poop?”
“Sorry!” Hubs said, offended. He hung up.
“Gah!” I said, before realizing that there was total silence on the other side of the door. That wasn’t good. I opened it. No one was there.
“Punky!” I said. Nothing. I leaned over, trying to look out into the den. “Punky!” I yelled.
“Yes, Mommy?” Punky and Bruiser were on the other side of the room, playing with blocks.
“Just checking on you,” I said. I heard someone on the stairs and quickly slammed the door. Bruiser started crying. I opened the door again. He saw me and began crawling over to the bathroom. I slammed the door. A moment passed and then Punky screamed in horror. I opened it.
“What’s wrong?!” I shrieked.
“There’s a ant on the window!” she howled. I slammed the door.
By the time I was finally able to get some, ahem, closure on the matter at hand, I had opened and closed the door a total of 17 times and my stomach ache had been replaced with a migraine. Because I had an a-ha moment while seated on the throne (and no, that doesn’t mean that I suddenly remembered the words to Take On Me). What I realized was that essentially, I’m living in a house with two children who can’t bear to be in a room without me and two more children who can’t get out of a room with me in it fast enough.
Good times, my friends. Good times.
>Since I’ve suffered from occassional bouts of IBS I’ve had several times when I just had to go, and leave my crawling baby with my then 4 year old…. When that clearly didnt work, I pitched the pack-n-play in the dining room for pee stops and poop emergencies. OF course the baby cried so it was no relaxing trip to the bathroom but I knew she was safe.Sorry that you didn’t get peaceful poop. But remember you can get UTI’s from holding your pee too long.
>I feel your pain. I often have to sneak away to do my business. It usually takes my girls (2 and 4) 30 seconds to realize I’m gone and then they’re pounding on the bathroom door. I get no peace.
>I found your blog through another friend’s blog, and I just find your writing so amusing and similar to my life. Especially this post. I have a 3 year old and 2 month old. I don’t remember the meaning of the word privacy! 🙂 Thanks for bringing a smile to my face in the mornings
>I’m ROFL right now over your phone convo with the Hubs. The poor guy!!!
>If motherhood had a union we’d be on strike over our lack of bathroom privileges!
>It’s been almost 15 years since I’ve gone potty all by my self, (like a big girl.)I feel your pain…..literally and figuratively.
>Oh man, oh man! I remember those good times. A good, quiet moment to poo was always way better than any date night.
>The shower door has a mirror on it. I take my 11 month old in with me and she “plays with the baby in the mirror” while I do my business. It’s much more relaxing than having to worry that she’s licking the dog or manhandling the cat or something.I’m trying to get the 2.5 year old to sit on her “big girl potty” while I sit on the potty, but so far she has absolutely no interest.Privacy? What’s that?
>We put the exersaucer in the bathrrom.
>I’m sorry to be laughing, but my six-year-old still wants company in the bathroom and can’t understand why I DON’T.
>Thank god I’m not alone.
>Oh, I feel your pain. I have Crohn’s disease (which is as fun as it sounds) and a crawling baby plus 4 animals who insist upon coming in and fighting with each other while I try to do my business. AND my 6 year old will occasionally wander in and out to tell me something or another.Good times, my friend. Good times.
>I never shut the door anymore. My kids always come in with me.
>Hey, here’s a thought…the next time you have to do your business, show it off and declare it looks like “….” maybe they’ll leave you alone?!?!?!Yes, I know that was gross but I couldn’t resist…you left the door open for it…OH, look, I did it again 🙂 BHAHAA GOOD TIMES!!!
>Anonymous, that’s so great. Good for you. And thanks for sharing. As I always say, “A good mother never shuts the door anymore. And her kids always come in with her.”anothermomcreation, I have wondered if the UTI rate is higher among mothers of young chidren. I’m guessing the answer is yes!debbie, thanks!heather j. 15 years?! Really?! How many children do you have?niihaus, I wouldn’t go that far…gertie, I do have a bouncer for our upstairs bathroom, but the bathroom in question just isn’t big enough for two (unless a tornado is coming!).
>Sue, Sue, Sue… You do realize that Punky analyzes her poop and what it looks like on a daily basis, don’t you? She’d love nothing more than for me to join in!
>growing up, we only had one bathroom for the 5 of u. The door was always open. My poor dad, the only male in the house.
>Egads, I canNOT poop under those circumstances. Got to have silence and privacy.
>OMG how I know this. Why is it that every tiem we have our pants around our ankles, somebody needs us DESPERATELY? It doesn’t seem to matter if Misterpie is home or not, either. Grrr.
>I try to shut the door but it’s pointless. My kids come in no matter what.This sounds like a slice of my life, I swear. Nice to know we’re not alone! 🙂
>I second Karen. I thought I was the only one that did this.
>K, well, Um, thanks for sharing? No, seriously, this is one of those things we moms go through, but who wants to talk about bathroom habits and horror stories other than men and old men?My eldest is 4, and I’m trying to teach her bathroom etiquette so that she doesn’t leave the door open at friends’ houses. BUT I CAN’T SHUT MY OWN BATHROOM DOOR B/C I ALSO HAVE A 9M AND 2YO! And they really do learn by example.
>I am amazed.How have you managed to have two kids and still need PRIVACY to go to the bathroom?I haven’t been naked (or half naked) alone in a room for 8 years.*SOB*
>Lindsay, with the exception of the two older girls, you just described my day. Which I guess is why my blog name is the Potty Diaries…
>AMEN sista!
>No one knows what we mamas go through. (sigh)
>Oh my, I have tears in my eyes from laughing! Currently I have a3 yr old that things it is ‘scare Mami time’ when I go potty. Baby number 2 arrives in June. Good times to come.
>My kids didn’t leave me alone until they were at least 12. Oh sure, we may have hours barely seeing each other but the minute I would go in the bathroom, suddenly they were at the door wanting something. It’s the strangest thing.Almost as strange as the husband who will open the bathroom door the second you step out of the shower so you can have a nice cold draft on your wet body.
>it’s wrong, the silence you so enjoy by peeing in the middle of the night….
>There is no privacy when toddlers can toddle. Accept it for the next year or 2.
>You guys are cracking me up. Except for “b,” who clearly doesn’t read my blog often- Otherwise, b, you’d know that I talk about bathroom habits and horror stories on my blog ALL THE TIME. It’s a lifestyle.
>Oh my! I had tears, I was laughing so hard, especially during your conversation with your husband! Man, been there, done that. My youngest is two and now he wants to go with me to “watch” since in theory he wants to potty-train. Yeah, I’ll take a raincheck on that one.
>Oh man, that’s good stuff. Laughing really hard at picturing Punky trying to watch Bruiser. And, then seeing the ant. Hahaha!
>I’m eight months pregnant and you have made me very very afraid. ;P
>My kids are always in the bathroom with me. It’s just less stressful in the end when they are that little.
>We have a different scenario going on here….I have little, crawly ones too, and they follow me to the potty…and I let them. It’s actually a really good way to “potty train”….My Little One notices by saying, “poo poo” and “pee pee” to which I reply enthusiastically, “YES! Poo poo and pee pee!!” Sometimes I even let out an “ooooh eeee”, just as I do when I clean up her stinky poop….and she likes to repeat me with her own, “ooo eee!”I am overly dramatic in grunting, and acting “relieved”….hoping she puts it all together. I explain as I get the toilet paper and clean, “all fresh!” It’s fun and educational…..but definitely not where I get my privacy or relaxation.
>It has been over 23 years since I’ve had a pee sans audience. This is my first visit over here and I’m cracking up!
>These comments about sum it up. My children are 7 and 3, So I put a lock on the bathroom door. They quickly figured out how to open the privacy lock with a dime : ( And if it is not enough that they came in, they proceed to leave the door open and invite our two dogs in! Did I mention that if my downstairs bathroom door is open, there is a window in front of said door that you can see into from the street. Maybe they will invite the neighbors?Will I ever “go” alone?
>Why am I feeling a –major– urge to go peepee?
>When my son was a newborn he had reflux and screamed constantly, the only way to calm him was holding him upright or have him strapped to my chest in a front pack, and I am guilty of doing my business with him being strapped on just so I didn’t have to listen to him scream had I put him down, if that wasn’t enough, my toddler daughter stood in the doorway asking repeatedly why the baby was with me while I went poopy.
>For those of you wondering why I don’t just bring Bruiser in with me, 1) the bathroom in question is closet-sized and I can’t fit a bouncer or car seat in it without him being right beneath me.2) Punky uses this bathroom and misses her mark on a regular basis. I clean up, of course, but the floor is not a place I want a crawling baby, particularly one who puts his fingers in his mouth every ten seconds.Once he’s walking, he’ll be in the room with me for sure, but for now the best place is in the adjacent, childproofed den. Obviously, I keep the door open when I’m home alone, but sometimes, others are here and things get a little more complicated. Hence the story.Anonymous, your story about the privacy lock, etc. is hilarious! 🙂
>so…when/how do you shower?
>I shower upstairs, with a bouncy seat in the bathroom and a baby who HOWLS the entire time. It’s a nightmare, actually.
>Oh how timely, Lindsay. My husband has been away on a business trip for several days. Just me and my almost-4-y/o… 24/7. I’m dying to use the toilet or shower alone! And when it’s that time of the month? YES, just a teeny tiny smidgen of privacy would be good. For both of us!
>Pack ‘n Play. Invest in one.
>I’ve got one. And I challenge you, oh wise one, to set up a Pack n’ Play before you go to the bathroom the next time you have explosive diarrhea.Not that I had explosive diarrhea. The truth is, I don’t even go number two. I’m just sayin’.
>Its so easy to be superior when you’re anonymous, isn’t it?