>The Case of the Babysitter Thief
>A friend called not long ago and left a message asking me for babysitter numbers. I groaned as I listened.
“What’s wrong?” Hubs asked.
“Anita wants my babysitter list,” I said. “It’s just… I mean, I’ll give her their numbers, but it’s just an unwritten rule that friends don’t ask friends for their babysitters.” I’m right, aren’t I? For example, I love my neighbor to death and I see babysitters’ cars outside her door all the time, but she’s never volunteered their information, even when the subject of me looking for babysitters has come up, nor have I asked her for it.
Of course, I (grudgingly) called Anita back with my babysitters’ numbers. Possibly, she had an emergency situation and wanted someone for one night only. But I got even more irritated when I heard what she had to say.
“I need someone on a regular basis,” she announced. “Greg and I are ready to start going out more and we need someone who can come over once or twice a week.” I seethed quietly, imagining calling my favorite babysitter a month from now, only to find that she was permanently booked with my so-called friend.
Thank God no one from my babysitter posse (all two of them) can’t drive. One of them lives in our neighborhood; the other is five minutes away. That was pretty much a deal-breaker for my friend.
I realize this sounds so bitchy, particularly if you don’t have kids. But it wasn’t until I became a mom and realized how hard babysitters were to come by that I understood why even the closest of friends just don’t go there when it comes to swapping sitter digits. Or maybe it’s just me. Do you advertise your sitter?
>That’s just like you never date your best friends ex-boyfriend. EVERYBODY knows that! Sheesh, people.
>My neighbor can over one day while I was out and got my babysitters phone number. I was so annoyed. That is just something you don’t do.
>Funny…we’ve always shared our babysitter’s name and numbers. I guess none of us have been able to keep anyone busy enough to where it mattered. Honestly, it never crossed my mind not to give out the number. How else are you supposed to know who trust-worthy or not?
>1. References2. Background check
>All of our babysitters were family until I moved 500 miles from home in Feb. I really was clueless to not sharing babysitters’ numbers until my new next-door neighbor told me of a college student that she was going to use. She then told me that she was going to give me this sitters number, but only me….we’d share. Lucky for her I don’t use a sitter very often. My daughter will be 5 in Nov and is the type of kid that we can take anywhere. Yeah, it can be annoying at times and maybe I should call a sitter if I have a big trip to the grocery store, but I just don’t ever think about it ahead of time. Anyway, when we do a couples night, we share the babysitter. We split the fee down the middle even though she has 2 to my one kid because she has a 2 year old and they pretty much hang at her house and eat her food and crash there until we get home.I guess my point to this very long comment is that without my neighbor saying that she’d “share” the babysitter with me, I would never have realized that it is a no-no to ask for a sitters phone number. Do you think maybe your friend doesn’t realize it either?As it turns out this sitter rooms with two other girls, so if my neighbor is using her, then I can ask one of the other girls. They are all fabulous! Nothing like have 3 college students who love kids!
>I’m always willing to share. Only we never go out so that’s probably why I’m willing to share. The one sitter we have I found through my best friend. When there are events we’re both going to, we have her have all the kids.
>I’ve always felt it was an unspoken rule that you just do NOT ask for your friends babysitter information!
>My daughter is 6-1/2 and I have YET to hire an unrelated babysitter for her. If a relaive can’t watch her, we don’t go, or bring her along. It’s a trust issue, and I wish I could just stumble across a neighbor girl who was perfect age for sitting.
>It’s very hard to find a babysitter! Of course you’re going to ask your friends… Who else are you going to ask, strangers? If you are asked for a babysitter that means someone respects your judgment.You don’t have to give your list.Drop a bone, give one. Moms help moms out… sheesh!
>Well count me in the clueless group. I’ve never heard this rule either. I need to do poll among my friends. But I’m guessing we’re the sharing type of group and wouldn’t mind giving out the babysitters number to each other. Like Crisanne we just don’t seem to have a big adult social life right now.I would ask my friends because the only references I would trust would be from people I actually know. I wouln’t trust a background/child abuse check since it would only be for our state. It’s a nice tool to have but I think it gives a false sense of security.We still use one set of grandparents for most all of our babysitting needs, or the kids come with, or DH or I stay home if it is a school-related thing. Caroline
>I’ve had friends who live by this rule and it always kind of irked me, but was never an issue when I lived by family.Now? Having NO sitters and having no one to ask even if it wasn’t taboo – I would kill to know of a sitter to poach.
>I know this rule. If someone asked me I’d (reluctantly!) give up some names, figuring they were desperate if they asked. If I was asking it would be because I was desperate. We also use a nanny service A LOT. They do all the background checks and references and you can call your favorites up directly to schedule with them. It’s a little more expensive but a lot more dependable.
>I was a nanny for 5 years and they people I worked with would not give my number out! I was ok with it since I loved their children and they kept me busy. Their friends loved me because they doted on me and the kids were so happy and several of them tried to poach me when they’d see me out. The family I worked for just flat out said, we don’t share her information, she’s out sitter. I’d keep a tight lock on that list, even if it is just 2 of them.
>I realized I’d be called out a bit when I wrote this. I don’t care. As I said, I would have been horrified if I read this before I had kids, but now that I’ve got them, it’s just the way it is- friends don’t ask friends for their babysitters, UNLESS they are very, very good friends or they’re absolutely desperate. I think it’s just one of those funny, unsaid situations that we find ourselves in- It would make a good Seinfeld episode, if Seinfeld were, you know, a mom.A few years ago, I was desperate- I was working on a two-week freelance project- and I did ask people I knew for babysitter ideas, but I actually called people who were not very good friends, so that if they got peeved I wouldn’t be wrecking a good friendship, and I also specified it was ONLY for a two-week period.
>Wow, I’ve never heard of keeping babysitters’ contact information a secret. I remember a lot of my babysitting (when I was a teenager) coming from referrals, and I would have no qualms about giving referrals now that I’m a parent. Maybe your friend asked you for referrals because you have teenage stepdaughters and have likely met most of their friends (and could therefore be counted on for a good reference)?
>We don’t go out, if my parents or sister, or my close childless friend can’t watch my kids. I was the street sitter on my block, and I would have been annoyed if a family didn’t refer me out, esp if they themselves didn’t use me often. Thats how I got money for fun stuff!
>Babysitter list ? Yeah that would consist of my stepdaughters. They want things…I need a babysitter. Bribery is a good good thing.
>I was a nanny for several years and the family I worked for would not give out my number and also asked me not to give it to anyone if they asked for it. We have our sitters and we stick to them, we’re not sharing!
>Wow. I guess that explains why I have never used a sitter who wasn’t family, and my family is all out of state. Too bad we all have to be so amazingly selfish.
>Actually, Amy, the reason you don’t have a sitter is that you haven’t gotten off your duff and found one. Have you really been sitting around, waiting for someone to call you and give you the names and numbers of good babysitters? Did it not occur to you that other moms had to do the work of finding those girls? Why on earth would they call you?Do you know how we found good, regular babysitters the last time we needed them? We called the local religious college, got connected to their career center, and had them post an ad for us on their bulletin board. We got three different great sitters out of that, one of whom was our go-to girl for years until she moved to California. Have you thought of putting an ad in a large subdivision’s newsletter or on its website? Have you checked to see if your town has a nanny service? Mine does. You pay more, but it’s worth it in a pinch. Have you looked at http://www.mommymixer.com? I don’t know why I’m even giving you all these tips, seeing as how I’m so amazingly selfish.
>I’m not with you on this one, and it’s because I’ve gotten MORE conservative since I had kids. There’s no way I would hire a babysitter based solely on background check and references from people I don’t know. I would only trust someone recommended by someone I really trust.But I we can’t afford to use them that often either, so it’s not really a big issue.
>Interesting post. We always offer our babysitters’ names and numbers to our friends. Not only are all of our sitters related to us, but we live in the area in which we grew up, so we tend to know more people than our friends – all of whom are transplants. I always feel like we have a duty to help each other out – particularly when it comes to a mom needing some time off.BUT – I understand where you are coming from because it can get stressful when our group of friends are all planning on attending the same social event. I have found myself on more than one occasion running to the phone to get in a call to one of my cousins before one of my friends could book them up. I have even negotiated with a friend over who gets who to babysit on a given night. Thankfully, it has always worked out for us, but if it hadn’t I might not be as willing to share my cousins’ names and numbers the next time around.
>I think you’d be amazed, though, Jeana, if you started looking for a sitter. As a former teacher, my mom used to call my school when she needed a babysitter; plenty of teachers will moonlight as sitters at night. She’d hire them to stay with us so that she and my father could take vacations together; it also gave us built in rides to and from school. Surely you’d hire an elementary school teacher from your child’s own school.And I just went to a Mommy Mixer (more about this in my Scene column next week), where the girls were Vanderbilt students and were early childhood education majors, sorority officers, and camp counselors. Yes, I would trust them to watch my children. It’s highly unlikely that someone with a stellar resume, who wants to work with kids, would potentially ruin her future over a babysitting job. I felt like you do until I started looking. It turns out there are lots of nice people out there, whom you would trust if you gave them a chance, had them come out for an interview and called their other babysitting employers.
>I’ve gotta change my username! I about had heart failure when I read your last comment! Phew, I’m the first Amy and only posted once until now. Not trying to kiss ass…seriously, because I actually agree with you. I was CLUELESS about this “rule” for a long time (then again, I was clueless about everything mommy related until 4.9 years ago) and I totally disagree with the selfish comment. We’ve had neighbors ask for our college girls’ information and we have yet to give it out. Go ahead, call us selfish, but our sitters are busy enough with school, lives, pt jobs etc… They’d have a hard time fitting us in if we did! LOL Also, after reading all the comments I really got the feeling that it has more to do with all of our own living situations / need. It all depends on how well you trust your friends and neighbors to “share” or be fair, how often a sitter is needed and how much family you have around to help out. Everybody’s situation is different and for that reason I think it is wrong to cast stones and to call us selfish for feeling the way that we do. I moved 500 miles away from ALL of my family. I have no help and I knew no one. After awhile, desperate was my middle name and thank God I bonded with my neighbors and found sitters that rock. Self-preservation is how I see it. Yes, I’m thinking of myself, but I’m preserving my sanity by knowing that I have a self assured, awesomely fun person (s), that has already bonded with my daughter (and my neighbors boys). My last thought on the subject is that we’ve talked to our fabulous Ms. Jill about this very thing and we’ve asked her if we should share her name and number and she said that if she feels that we aren’t needing her as much or she needs to make some extra money then she’ll let us know, but otherwise she’s happy with the situation. That’s all that matters….right??
>Argh. I just broke an unwritten rule: Copy the comment before you hit publish, or Blogger might lose it.My earlier comment probably sounded like I was criticizing you for hiring strangers, and that’s not what I meant. I have only used sitters I knew or who came highly recommended by someone I know and trust and it’s worked out for us, but like I said, we don’t use them very often. It sounds like you are very thorough in checking out potential sitters.Having said that, I still don’t completely understand your stance. If your sitter gives you as a reference, do you get irritated when strangers call because they intend to use your sitter? Do you think the people you called as references got irritated because you were planning to use their sitter? Like Crystal, I babysat a lot when I was younger and I was very grateful when my customers recommended me to their friends. I felt safer working for someone who was recommended by a family I had a history with, and if I liked working with the first family, chances are I would like working with their friends. I did usually give some preference to the families I had worked with longer.It’s funny how the opinions vary so much on this. At least now you know that Anita may have been completely unaware that she was breaking the code.But if you say next that she doesn’t flush, I say ditch her and don’t look back.
>Funny you bring this up.I am currently on the prowl for some sitters. Ours have turned 16 and gotten REAL JOBS! And they’re into sports, so they’re too busy to sit anymore.Where does one find sitters? Where do new graduates of the Red Cross class advertise? How do I find them? I’ve actually considered hanging out outside the door of a local Babysitting class… (Hey, I like your idea of advertising at the college… I may need to try that!)I understand where you’re at… though my neighbor & I would probably share if we could find just ONE between us!!
>Marie…We got lucky. Our first sitter was recommended to us (by her parents), friends of friends kinda thing and then we lucked out that she had 2 awesome roommates!Do you live near a YMCA? We belong to one and I see postings on the bulletin board all the time from teens that are looking for babysitting jobs. The bonus to that is many YMCA’s offer Redcross / babysitting classes!
>Our babysitters are the teachers at the girls’ day care. Yes, we pay them more than we’d pay a teen, but we know them and they know us (kids included).So I suppose I have no choice but to share them with others, although I know they prefer to sit for us. ;)Here’s where the mothers of teens (you too, Lindsay!) can throw rocks at me – I don’t like to hire teens if I can hire college students/graduates, especially those who work with kids. I don’t care whether they’re Red Cross certified and have references up the wazoo – I’d still choose the college student/grad.
>Marie- Check out my earlier comment to the second “Amy” for some great ideas, ideas I’ve successfully used myself.Jeana- My stance is basically that out of politeness, I would never ask a friend to give me her babysitter’s numbers so that I could regularly call that person. There are exceptions, of course. A really good friend of mine would be an exception. If I made an agreement with someone to split a sitter, that would be an exception. But a not-so-good friend calling me out of the blue and asking for my (tiny) babysitter list so that she can have a regular babysitter? The list of girls I found on my own initiative? That’s irritating. Because usually, high school sitters are only available on weekends, so if someone else wants to regularly use the sitter that I took time and effort to find, chances are, I’m going to end up having to find an alternate. And that’s irritating! The funny thing is that I wrote this post at all, because I would never tell my friends this to their faces, yet I’ll announce it on the Internet so that all kinds of people can criticize me about it! I must be hormonal today or something…
>We have a babysitting coop through our playgroup. You earn points by sitting and use them by having someone sit for you (at your house or theirs.) I understand about the not wanting to give out your list thing. If a friend is in desperate need for a one time, or on a rare occasions time basis, then share away. But if its for all the time…why would you share? Then your sitter would always be unavailable for you. Ive also used sites like Sittercity which can help you find sitters in your area.All I can say is..thank goodness my mom moved here recently. Loving the free sitter!
>I’ve never had problems getting baby-sitters since I am a high school teacher at a Christian school. I’ve always had a pool of willing teenagers I know very well–and I know their parents, too. But I can sympathize with your hesitance. You spent the time and trouble finding the sitters, and someone else might lure them away. It’s like flirting with your best friend’s boyfriend.
>wow! I never knew this was such a controversial subject! Like many of the people who posted, my friends and I share our babysitter’s names with each other. It is a common question at playgroup- who is a good sitter. It never has crossed my mind not to give out that information, or even that it would be rude to ask.
>Gotta agree with Daisy, never knew there was controversy about sitters, my friends all share names as well as their own kids now that some of ours our getting older. It has never been an issue in any circle that I have hung out with. I would think that this person asked you because with the ages of your step daughters she probably figured that you were covered these days or were “in the know”, or that your daughters knew people. This may very well be a regional issue as I know in some parts of the country children address adults as “Mrs” around here that would be interpreted as snobbish (children call adults by their first name except at school). Maybe she is from around my part of the country (up north) and we share sitter names.
>We’ve had the same nanny/babysitter for almost seven years. I get feral when anyone acts like they might try to take her away.
>Yes, to me, asking for a babysitters number is kinda the same as asking to go out with another woman’s husband==it just isn’t done!I have only had a couple “overpaid” babysitters in my day if the rellies couldn’t co it but since I’ve moved to SC I haven’t had one. I’ve heard the local YMCA is a good place to look…for the college students that work there not the old, sweaty workout dudes who walk around the shower rooms naked 🙂
>Lindsey,It is bitchy of you.We had our entire pool of babysitters fall through for a wedding. The person we hired from a “reliable service” at the 11th hour spanked our 12 month old because he pinched her neck while changing his diaper. We know this because our 4 year old told us and added, “and she told me she spanked him…and that that is what she does with her kids at home.”If we could have gotten a sitter from a friend, it would have been a good thing. We won’t use a service again.One of my colleagues had to miss a day of work and couldn’t miss a second. His wife, also an MD had clinic and couldn’t reschedule her 20 patients. I happily gave them a name.These are people who help us care for our kids. It’s not our secret muffin recipe.
>when my son was diagnosed with cancer, my daughter was only 6 months old. We got a live-in gal to help out and watch the baby whenever we were in the hospital..which was off and on a lot.I did give her info to some friends, and the deal with the babysitter was that we were her first priority, and when we didnt need her, she was free to babysit elsewhere.She had several families that tried to talk her into living with them..offers to pay better, etc.I always thought it was heartless of people to do that, knowing that we had hired her specifically for support during a time of crisis.
>Babysitters? What babysitters? Never heard the word before… Must go as I’m off out. Obviously my – mother – is covering.
>Okay, I’ve thought a lot about this. Is this bitchy? Is this not bitchy? Is this bitchy? Is this not bitchy?Here’s the deal. If a friend called and said, “I’m having a hard time finding a babysitter for such-and-such occasion. How did you find the people you use?” That leaves it open to me to either give her a name or give her some good advice on how to find someone regular (and I really do have good advice).But when someone straight out asks me for names and they’re not a very good friend, I just don’t like it. I can’t imagine that anyone would.So I think there is a non-invasive way you can ask your friends for help. You just want to be very careful, and you have to know that using someone else’s babysitter could end up, even if they gave you their blessing, causing a rift in the relationship if that person feels like you’re stepping on her toes and taking her babysitter when she needs her.Does that make sense?
>Lindsey, I don’t want this to come off wrong because I am not trying to be judgmental at all. I guess I would prefer if I ask a question of a friend that they feel is inappropriate or out of line that they would just be straight with me.”Anita, I would give you the names of my sitters but I don’t want to compete with anyone for their time, I hand selected these ladies just for me. But here is how I came up with my awesome gals……” It just seems fairer than giving her the names begrudedly, she has not learned that this bothers you and you may have lost a good sitter and you will really hate her. I always appreciate a friend who tells me the truth and causes me a moment of embarrassment but then I can learn from my faux pas. Glad you didn’t lose your gals since they don’t drive.
>Lindsey,I think we see the issue from different vantage points.We are a dual-working parent family, the nearest relatives are 1000 miles away. We have many friends and colleagues in a similar situation to ours. As some of these folks are newer parents than us, they look to us as ones with the answers (who’s a good Ob, who’s a good pediatrician, who’s a good accountant, what’s the deal with 529’s, etc…) because they trust our judgement as they would their own. We have a stable of 10-12 good babysitters, unfortunately most are affilated with the preschool our kids go to, which adds a wrinkle such that many are not available in concert. It never phases me to give out our babysitters’ info, as our friends may NEED help when they can’t escape work, rather than want a sitter just to go out and throw back a few cosmos. I think if it is just fear that Busy Mom will book the same sitter for Nashville.Mom.Blog night at the Wildhorse, thats a different issue.
>No, I don’t think that’s bitchy at all. I have friends that will plainly say, “No, I’m not going to give you our sitters digits”. Not that I’ve asked… they just like setting expectations like that.
>I would never give, nor ask for, a babysitter’s number with another parent.It is the one thing you can’t talk about with your friends.
>*steals Lindsay’s address book to get sitter for night at the Wild Horse*
>Whaaat? I need a baby sitter – for one night – I don’t have any idea who to call – except a person who lives not too far from me.
>My friends and I share babysitters, and that’s pretty common around here. I’ve found that it works if you have a list of about three to go from and if you don’t all attend the same events. The problem comes when you share with people that go to your kids school, because when there are school events it causes tension. I imagine it would be the same if you or your husband work at the same company and share work events. The babysiter all of my non-school friends share is this Ethiopian woman who we all call “the child whisperer” and she always seems to be available even though we all use her. And she does need the work, so I’m happy to give her lots of work. She runs a day care out of her home during the day, so its easy to share on a weekday.I have never asked for a babysitting number from anyone. Usually they are offered freely when I mention I’m looking for someone. The big taboo, I think, is to ask someone’s nanny for babysitting. I don’t have too many friends with nannies, though, and actually, I’ve had some people tell me that their nannies are looking for work on the side.Anyway, sometimes the conflict can come over pay. If you pay more than the other families, the babysitter may stop taking the other jobs.Maybe sharing works better with adult babysitters. We’ve found that high school and college students are so flaky (we don’t use them) that you can’t count on them anyway. They especially can’t handle more than one or two familes.
>And yes, it makes sense that if someone is not really a friend and just calling to poach a babysitter off of you, you would be annoyed. I would feel a bit used and violated. We share among friends in casual give and take conversation.
>This may be the Y chromosome talking, but other things strike me as verboten more so than a sitter. Sex, politics, religion, household income, etc…We have a pool about 6-10 deep, but potentially shallow for certain events as most of them are from our kids preschool. If I am in a pinch, I need help and if a friend or colleague that I trust finds it offensive that I ask them for help (in this situation) they have issues. It is not as if I would permanently switch to their sitter, even it it is Mary Poppins. I will go back to my pool next time, as my children are familiar with them and I feel really good leaving my children with someone from my team of sitters than one a friend uses on a more than regular basis.And the sitter service, that was an absolute disaster.
>I’ve already put in dibs on the second graders on my block who seem good with kids. When those kids hit 12, they’re *mine.* I’m even talking numbers with the kids, just so they know I’m serious.
>I’m a babysitter, and I have one family that I babysit for a lot (usually at least once a week) but in my neighborhood, I babysit for most of the kids. Sometimes there will be parties, though, that most of the parents go to, so if I get more than one call to babysit and I know that the parents are friends (most of them are) and that the kids get along (most of them do), I’ll ask them if I could babysit for all of their kids at one of their houses. That works a lot of the time, so if that’s an option, it might be something to look into.And if it’s not, just make your plans way ahead of time and book them ;]
>This recently became an issue for me – a ‘friend’ asked for my siter’s contact information and I said No – I work, and use the sitter for that, ‘friend’ does not, and that would mean competition for the same weekend nights. So ‘friend’ went behind my back – and is surprised I am frosty. Problem is, ‘friend’ met this sitter while she was working for me, on MY DIME, while I was at work. I treat my sitters great. This is not a commune where I have to share anything. If I can get off my duff and find one, interview her, check references, spend time working out a schedule, ensure she and my kid are happy etc – well ol stay at home ‘friend’ can do the same. I cannot begin to tell you how upset I was and am.
abrading…
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