>To Be a Stepmother

Last night was one of those nights.

As my family sat and chatted together at the dinner table, every comment I made seemed to be ignored; every joke I offered was met with an eyeroll. Parents of teens will agree that this is not an unusual night at the dinner table, but Hubs was sulky, too, over the fish I had made, which wasn’t as fresh as he would have liked. I had had a good day up until that point, and by the end of our meal, when my oldest stepdaughter accused me of “not letting her talk,” and then refused to say anything when I gave her the floor, I had had it.

“You guys have all been in a bad mood this entire meal,” I said, standing up. “This is ridiculous.” Met with three frowns in response, I stomped out of the room, burning with indignation and embarrassment. And then I realized that this was one of those moments that are often impossible to summon up when trying to explain to people why stepparenting can be even more difficult than parenting.

Because if the girls had been my daughters, I would have made my statement, taken a few minutes to regain my composure, and gone on with my life. But as their stepmother, my feelings were more complicated. Why does this have to happen? I raged silently after I’d left the dining room. I just don’t fit in with this family. I wonder if they would have been better off without me? I wonder if they’re thinking that right now? What am I here for, anyway? To cook dinners that nobody likes and tell stories no one wants to hear?

For the rest of my life, I think, I’ll be questioning my role and my purpose in the girls’ lives. I’ll wonder what they secretly think of me; I’ll wonder whether they wish their dad could have stayed married, or found a stepmother for them who would have done a better job than I have. I’ll wonder whether I’ve done things the right way. I’ll wonder how I’m supposed to know what the right way is. These are the kinds of thoughts that plague every stepparent, I’m afraid, the thoughts that are almost impossible to convey to anyone who hasn’t been in our situation, the thoughts that we’re ashamed to try and discuss with our friends or even our spouses.

It’s easy to look down at a second wife at your child’s sports event or PTO meeting without even thinking about it, to snub her as a matter of course. I’ve been ignored or talked down to many times at my stepdaughters’ events and I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve done the snubbing, too, almost without realizing it.

I’d like to think, though, that at least one of you out there will read this and consider for the first time that a stepmother’s life is far from a bed of roses, and that involving herself in the lives of children who often would like nothing more than for her to go away is a fate most of us would never wish on ourselves. I’d like to think that one of you will reach out to a stepmother, chat with her when no one else will, sit with her on the bleachers when she’s alone. I would have appreciated that when I first started out with the girls and frankly, I need to do more of that myself now that I’m a “veteran.”

This post originally appeared on Parents.com.