Why I’m Putting My Eight-Year-Old on an Electronic Fast.

If you’d asked me a few years ago whether my kids would ever have a screen time problem, I would’ve assured you that in this house, screen time would never be an issue. After all, I’d read all the articles about how harmful too much screen time can be to a child’s development. I’d seen for myself the toll electronics are taking on teenagers, most of whom seem to be literally fused to their phones. I’d made it clear to my kids that they wouldn’t be getting their own iPads or iPhones or Instagram accounts any time soon, despite the fact that all of their friends have them.  I’ve never allowed electronics in the kids’ bedrooms, or any room in the house that’s not a common area.

I’ve generally tried to limit the kids to two hours of screen time per day, and over the years, my vigilance seemed to have paid off- My stepdaughters grew up with fairly strict screen time rules in place and to this day, neither of them spends much time online or on their phones. My 11-year-old daughter rarely reaches the two hour screen time limit– For her, watching TV or playing electronics are just a couple of the many things she likes to do in her spare time.

My son, though, is another story.

My son lives and dies by the screen. He is obsessed with Minecraft. And Terraria. And Clash of Clans. And LEGO Star Wars. And Animal Jam. And YouTube videos. And Cartoon Network. And Super Mario Brothers. And basically anything else that elementary school boys go crazy over.

He has the same screen time rules as his siblings– But with him, THE RULES DON’T WORK. When faced with limits on television or computer time, our three girls would seamlessly shift to another activity. My son, though, gives us the distinct impression that he’s merely killing time until he can play games or watch television again. If he’s awake and at home and not playing a game, he’s talking about it. Or building a LEGO version of it. Or drawing it. Or reading books about it. Or badgering us about how long he has to wait until he can have screen time again.

Sometimes, I hold the line. But sometimes, honestly… I’m busy. I need to get stuff done and I don’t want to talk about Minecraft anymore. And so, too often, I let him play again. Oh, I make him earn it, by cleaning his room or practicing his trumpet for an extra ten minutes– but I let him play again, just to keep from being driven completely insane.

This is embarrassing to admit and almost impossible to talk about with other moms I know — I live in a part of Nashville where  parenting is a competitive sport. We moms don’t admit our problems to each other. Ever. But I’ve been quietly observing what’s going on around me and I’ve realized I’m far from alone here. My son often comments about which of his friends are ‘always’ logged in to certain online games. When he has friends over, 90 percent of the time, all the boys want to do is play video games together– I often have to force them to go outside. And status among elementary school boys is no longer measured by who can run the fastest or who climbed the rope to the ceiling in P.E. (Is that even allowed anymore?)– Instead, the boys who’ve reached the highest game levels or have the newest electronic devices are the ones envied and admired.

This problem has been worrying me for several months. Screen time is the first thing to go when my son gets in trouble, but he generally doesn’t get in trouble. He makes good grades. He’s way ahead of the game in reading and math. He plays soccer and basketball and takes trumpet lessons. He just joined the Chess Club at school. He has lots of friends.

And yet.

Something isn’t right.

And it wasn’t until I read this article on the Psychology Today website that I knew I needed to take drastic measures now to fix the problem- because if I don’t, it’s only going to get worse.

The Psychology Today post lays out all of the harmful side-effects screen time can have on the developing brains of children and adolescents. From sleep disorders and hyperactivity to depression and higher stress levels, the picture is not pretty. Check it out (and then go and read the entire post and share it with your friends. It should be required reading for all parents.):

Children’s brains are much more sensitive to electronics use than most of us realize. In fact, contrary to popular belief, it doesn’t take much electronic stimulation at all to throw a sensitive and still-developing brain off track. Also, many parents mistakenly believe that interactive screen-time—such as internet or social media use, texting, emailing, and gaming –isn’t harmful, especially when compared to passive screen-time like TV. But in fact, interactive screen-time is more likely to cause sleep, mood, and cognitive issues, because it’s more likely to cause hyperarousal and compulsive use.

The author, a psychologist herself, writes that young people exhibiting these issues often need to be treated first with an electronic fast, designed to “reset” the nervous system. That means no screen time whatsoever for a week up to several weeks, depending on the severity of the problem. Afterward, parents decide how much screen time their child can take each day before the symptoms start to reappear.

My son isn’t showing any major symptoms listed in the post– but he does sleep far less than the rest of us. He does have bouts of hyperactivity. He does tend to melt down or get angry more easily than our other children. I had always assumed that these were personality traits, or characteristics of boys in general– and maybe I was right.

But what if all this time, I’ve been wrong? What if too much screen time is exacerbating these characteristics?

After reading the Psychology Today post, showing it to my husband, and thinking about it for a few days, I decided I had to find out.

On Sunday evening, I told my son that there would be no screen time at all this week except for our family movie night.

“But why?” he asked. “What did I do wrong?”

“You did nothing wrong,” I said. “But I think it’s time for you to find other things to do with your time. And I want to know who you are without your games and your electronics. I want to find out what else you might like to do.” He pondered this for a moment, then announced that he planned to spend the week in his room. Sleeping.

“Why would you spend the week sleeping?” I asked him. “You never sleep.”

“Because there’ll be nothing else to do,” he said simply.

(He’s a bit dramatic. I have no idea where he gets this from.)

True to his word, when he got home from school yesterday he announced that he was going straight upstairs. To sleep.

“Okay,” I said.

“See you later,” his older sister said.

Realizing he wasn’t getting the reaction he’d hoped for, he mumbled something about playing with his LEGOs first. After his sister returned from walking the dog, she decided to play with him. (She agreed to forego screen time this week after her brother gets home from school, to make things easier for him.) Next, he worked on an art project. Then a neighbor came over and wanted to play.

“He won’t want to play when he finds out I can’t have screen time,” my son said, a mopey look returning to his face. “All he likes to do is play Minecraft with me.” But as it turned out, the neighbor did want to play, even after my son told him they couldn’t play video games or watch TV together. Instead, the boys made a jail in the playroom. Then, they went outside and played. When that friend had to go inside, my son joined my daughter and her friends, who were taking all of their dogs on a walk. (Dog walking is the ‘thing’ right now here in Kingdom Cul-de-sac.) By the time they were done, it was time for dinner, and then time to read for a few minutes and get ready for bed.

It’s hard to tell for certain after just one day of his electronic fast, but my son certainly seemed calmer. He asked for fewer snacks. He played outside more. And, most surprisingly, he found plenty to do. I’m starting to wonder if all this time, he’s needed more than the absence of screen time— He’s also needed the absence of the possibility of screen time. And when that’s gone, he’s finally free. Free to color. To read. To go outside. To think about things other than Skylander and Gumball and Slenderman and Luigi.

This morning, for the first time in weeks, my husband and I were the first ones awake. My son is always out of bed at the crack of dawn. Today, though, he remained fast asleep.

“Do you think,” my husband said conspiratorially as we sipped our coffee, “that he’s still sleeping because he had no screen time yesterday? Could it possibly work that fast?”

I shrugged. “Who knows?” I said. We smiled hopefully at each other.

I have no illusions that this week will be easy. I’ve made arrangements to keep my schedule as clear as possible after school in order to spend time with him, playing board games and drawing and reading books and doing kitchen science experiments. But I’ve also told him that he needs to spend at least part of his after-school time entertaining himself, and figuring out what he likes to do on his own. I’m really hoping that this will become his new normal, so it has to be sustainable for both of us.

I don’t know how long our electronic fast will last. We’ll try it for at least a week. Maybe more. But I’m looking very forward to seeing what kind of impact it has on my son. And while I feel embarrassed that I let it get to this point, I wanted to write about it here because I think this problem is far more widespread than we moms are letting on. Maybe this experiment will have awesome results. Maybe it will convince some of you that you could make it happen in your house, too, without losing your freaking mind in the process.

Ultimately, I don’t want to completely deny my son the games and electronics that all of his friends love so much. He needs experience learning to use his screen time wisely and responsibly, and obviously, even for kids, there’s a good side to technology, too. But I won’t let electronics take over his life again, whether he’s eight years old or eighteen.

I’m his mom. It’s my job. And no one ever said it would be easy.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

 

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Header image via Bea Represa/Flickr Creative Commons