>I Touched Ira Glass
>When I was six, my father took me to a free Saturday morning concert at the local auditorium in my small Georgia town. I was beside myself with excitement- Terri Gibson, the guy who sang “Somebody’s Knockin” was playing, we had managed to score front row seats (I mean, only about 30 people had shown up to fill the thousand or so chairs, so the competition wasn’t exactly fierce, but still! Front row, baby!), and I was totally certain that Terri would see me and beg me to come up on stage with him for a duet, at which point I would stun the audience with my vocal powers and be whisked off to Hollywood, or wherever cute little girls who can sing are whisked off to.
After an eternity of waiting, Terri came out on stage to scattered applause, and I was so stunned by what I saw that the memory remains burned into my brain 27 years later. For one thing, “he” was a “she.” (I would later be similarly shocked by everyone’s favorite androgynoid, Tracy Chapman.) For another, “she” was blind, which meant that there was no chance in hell I’d get to perform. For the rest of the set, I slumped listlessly in my seat. What a complete waste of time. I would have been better off staying home and watching The Snorks.
I tell you all this because I realized recently that even at the tender age of six, I couldn’t go to a live show without fantasizing that the performer would see me and ask me to come up on stage. I did it then and I do it now. It’s ridiculous, and if it actually happened, I would be mortified… but there it is.
Michael Moore, for instance, was supposed to spot me in the audience when he spoke at UGA back in ’98 (this was after Roger and Me and TV Nation and before I started to wish he would have some sort of accidental run-in with a vat of boiling oil), and ask me to help write his next documentary (surprisingly, he didn’t). Tori Amos’s eyes were to have met mine where I was sitting up in the balcony of the Columbia, South Carolina Municipal Auditorium in 1999, at which point she was supposed to ask me to come down and give the crowd my own interpretation of “Pretty Good Year” (also didn’t happen– I really have no idea why).
And then there was last Saturday night, when Ira Glass, host of the most brilliant radio and television show on earth, This American Life, was supposed to stop, mid-show, squint at me way back in row R of the War Memorial Auditorium, and say, “Oh my god. Suburban Turmoil! Is that you? I read your blog, like, every day. Oh my god, would you please come up here and tell everyone that story about that time when Punky named her poop?”
Strangely, that didn’t happen, either. But I did meet Ira Glass. I even touched him.
Here’s the lowdown- Hubs was nice enough to go and wait at the book-signing table shortly before the show ended, so that I could be one of the first to have Ira sign the “This American Life” DVD he’d bought me before the show. Now, I hate book signing lines, mostly because they’re not really the most opportune place to meet your idol and, you know, develop a rapport. You don’t hear stories like, “Tim Burton and LeJoe Pettyjohn became best friends after Burton signed LeJoe’s VHS copy of “The Nightmare Before Christmas at FanCon,” or “Maya Angelou and Marge Spleplewski wrote Barak Obama’s inaugural poem together just minutes after Marge asked Dr. Angelou to sign her autograph book during Angelou’s appearance at the Borders in Racine, Wisconsin.” It just. Doesn’t. Happen. But since Hubs had secured us a number two spot at the signing table, I had to go through with it.
“Hi,” Ira said, holding out his hand. “I’m Ira Glass.”
“I’m, uh, I’m… Lindsay,” I sputtered, giving his hand a hearty shake. “Lindsay with an A-Y!” (Brilliant opening remark, no? Memorable! You can really tell by my unique answer that I’m going places.)
“So what do you do?” he asked while writing ‘Hi, LindsAY!’ across my DVD.
“I wipe butts…erm… I’m a writer!” I said, recovering quickly.
“Really?” he said politely. “What do you write?”
“Well, I have a blog,” I said. “And um, I write a newspaper column.”
“And what’s it about?” he prodded.
“Just, like… my life,” I said lamely. “I’m raising four kids and I write about my life.” He looked up at me and paused.
“So I could like, Google you and it would turn up?”
“Yeah,” I smiled weakly. “Suburban Turmoil dot com.”
“Suburban Turmoil,” he repeated and turned to find a notepad to write it down. OMG.
“I have a card,” I volunteered in my best squeaky schoolgirl voice. “I could give it to you.”
“Great,” he said.
I gave him my card. And then I spontaneously combusted. Although painful for me, the smoke and fire were pretty awesome and he’s a fool if he doesn’t mention the woman in Nashville who exploded right in front of him on the next This American Life.
As for my card? Well, it’s most likely at the bottom of some hotel trashcan now, but whatever, people, IRA GLASS SAID THE WORDS ‘SUBURBAN TURMOIL’ TO MY FACE.
And now I can die.
>My brother took my sil to see Nicholas Sparks. Anyway, I guess they were toward the end, so my brother says, “You’re my wife’s favorite author, but she won’t tell you that.” He said, “Thanks etc.” and to my sil’s horror, my brother asked to buy him coffee after the signing. So, he did! They spent about an hour together. Isn’t that cool?I figure those guys are probably bored traveling from city to city and probably like to get a human connection at some point. I still wouldn’t wait in line to meet someone. But I would stand in line to watch you boil Michael Moore in a vat of hot oil!
>That’s so funny, because I’ve interviewed hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of celebrities/politicians/you name it, and Nicholas Sparks was hands down the very, very nicest and most engaged, followed closely by Elaine Irwin (that supermodel who’s married to John Mellencamp) and Rodney Crowell. I felt sick to my stomach standing in that book line- I just HATE that stuff.
>You know, our being recognized by the performer fantasy (because I SO do that too) wasn’t helped much by the Bruce Springsteen video Dancing in the Dark. Of course LATER I found out that Courtney Cox was an actress.But you know, Adam Ant really did make eye contact with me at a concert once. No, he really did! I swear. He HAD to have been looking at me! He just had to!
>Umm, I am so glad other people do this as well. I swear each and every time I go to NYC that someone is going to point me out in the crowd and say, there she is! And the next day you will see me on The Today Show or The View.But after attending several concerts by the Violent Femmes, I can say that Brian Ritchie certainly did give me the um, bedroom eyes. He also rolled his eyes when they started Blister in the Sun and most of the crown screamed. Me, well, that song is okay but I much rather prefer Country Death Song, which maybe why I got the look from him.
>OK, that’s way cool.Since I’m now working alone, I have lots of imaginary friends on the Internet, and Ira Glass is one of them. I may or may not be at the point where I’m talking to them. I’m not telling. Tell him I said, “Hey”.
>When I was about 13 I had this enormous crush on Micheal Damien from the young and the restless. I had three or four cassette tapes of his and knew all the songs by heart. When I heard he was coming to our State fair I was over the moon!! I had heard before hand that he was going to have some local kids come up on the stage,so I strategicly posted myself right in the 3rd row( so he could see me better)….he chose a little girl in the front row!!! Arghh! I was sooo mad. MD was supposed to PICK ME DAMMIT! So he could fall in love with my pimply skinny self!Funnier still is that little girl who he picked was my future SIL.
>Oh blah blah, Lindsay. Obviously he will read your blog, love it and whisk you off to writer nirvana. Sigh. And then you will shut down your blog and only write high end books that are beyond my capacity to understand, and I will be stuck here at my dead end job with nothing to read on the internet.
>That’s so cool! I love Ira Glass! SO jealous! I hope he leaves you a comment on this post 😉
>I so do the same thing. Each concert I go to I am SURE I’m going to be the one in the nosebleed section who gets the spotlight to stop on them and the lead singer magically falls in love with me and takes me on tour.In reality though I did win a contest to go to NYC and meet the band Poison. It was awesome to hang with Bret and the boys and Bret is SUPER nice in person and I even got a picture of him kissing me on the LIPS!!!! The funny thing is that when I got back home I had tix to a Poison concert 2 weeks later and everyone SWORE he would remember me. Ummm, yeah, not so much. =)
>Oh I love your newest profile photo!!!My sisters name is Lindsay, and she always makes sure that people know it’s AY :0)
>Wil Wheaton and I are BFF now because I made him hold my baby at a book signing and then I told him my wife had a huge crush on him when she was 12.I like it when they (whoever they are) introduce themselves. I think that’s smooth.
>Ok, how jealous am I?? I LOVE Ira Glass, LOVE, LOVE. I live in Hollywood, but that’s a real celebrity sighting as far as I’m concerned. When he does check out your blog, please send him my way!
>That. Is. Awesome!And I totally get stage fright going to watch plays, because what if someone can’t go on stage and they inexplicably need ME to fill in? I have those delusions. And you know what? Maybe I can’t sing, but I’d charm people, right? hahahaI’ve never stood in line to get an autograph before. Probably because celebrities don’t come this far north on purpose unless they play for the Packers.
>I occasionally day dream of being befriended by a celebrity. It will never happen though. My cousin is one of those people with a megawatt personality who manages to make friends with any celebrity she comes across in her travels. I just live vicariously through her.
>I had to google Ira Glass to see who he was lol. You sound so cute and schoolgirl like! Congrats and I’m sure you sounded much more intelligent than you think.
>You just have that good energy people want to be around you. Don’t be surprised if he does lurk around your blog. Not only is your writing comical(it brightens up my day) but your very pretty as well. Nice piece of eye candy ya know? I too sometimes feel embarrassed when celebs acknowledge me. I like to stay anonymous!
>I ,too, had to Google Ira Glass. Anyway, I’ve never stood in line to meet a celebrity. I would have been freaking out too if I was meeting someone I really admired. I would probably have forgotten my name 😉
>I am thrilled for you. Okay, a little jealous also.
>How are you able to add anonymous as an option to your blog comment?
>Go, you!I’m always torn between feeling like a dork asking to take a photo, or figuring it’s ok, since the signing line is when they’re expecting that kind of thing anyway.
>I felt the same way when Tori Amos shook my hand. Lest you feel bad about her not noticing you, I screamed and burst out crying when she did it, and I’m pretty sure I’m banned from any future concerts. 😉
>I heart Ira Glass and his lovely show. But, I hate book signing lines so much that I was not about to stand in line to have my book signed by David Sedaris when I saw him read a few years ago.(what was I thinking???)
>Ira Freakin Glass, I am so envious. I once had a former NFL player tell me that I “amused” him while sitting together on a cross-country flight. I had no idea who he was, but I noticed his Super Bowl ring and asked him if he bought it at the game. I so wish it would have been David Sedaris.
>David Sedaris is coming here in October. And I KNOW he’s going to ask me to come up and read with him. I just know it!!! And then he’ll ask me to be his best friend, and to come and visit Hugh and him in Paris. I CAN’T WAIT.
>I am dying a thousand deaths right now. I PUFFY HEART Ira Glass. I wrote a post about TAL just a few weeks ago! I am green with envy now, mostly because why didn’t I know they were going to be in Nashville?? I dropped that ball. After about the third Tori show and countless venue scouting, I managed to snag a meeting with her solely by being creepy. Yay me! But I did get her set list that was on the piano for that night’s show. I think she felt sorry for me. Now if only The Raconteurs and OCMS would throw me some pity…I work in books and have planned events with many, many authors in my time. It’s funny how the ones that write the most saccharine books are the biggest b*tches (initials Jan Karon come to mind). I’ve heard Sparks is amazing too, even though his books are a bit much for me.
>So so jealous. I have finally worked my way through all of the TAL archives. I have listened to every single one during naptimes the past couple years or so, off and on. Maybe someday I will get to meet Ira, probably not. But I am glad you got to- that is really cool.
>Ahhhh! I LOVE (bold, italic, huge font LOVE) ira glass! is he as geek chic in real life as he appears to be?!i love tori amos. (i don’t know why she hasn’t asked me to be a fellow cornflake girl – everyone knows i’m flaky!)
>Good for you, Lindsay. Once in a while, doing something you hate does pay off.Add me to the list of those who’d stand in line to watch you boil Michael Moore in oil. And then have you sign a personal photo of you doing it 😉
>I think we all had this fantasy at some point. I know I did. Sadly, the object of my obsessive affection was Michael Jackson. Eeewww.
>Awesome.
>Step off, Bitch! Ira is my boyfriend!Congrats, though. Seriously.
>Hi Ira. Yeah, that’s ’cause Ira Glass is totally reading this, RIGHT NOW! What an awesome experience.
>Hi Ira! I really liked your advice videos on YouTube that I found via kottke.org.This was a great post. Now I have Somebody’s Knocking in my head.
>I’m 100% with you on the frustration of standing in line to talk with famous people–it’s hard to imagine having the kind of conversation that would make it worth standing in line. I used to try to be “different” and clever with famous people–not like those drooling fanatics–until I realized I usually ended up creeping said famous person out or making them wonder what the heck I was talking about. Drooling, they can deal with.And if Martina McBride ever calls you up on stage, DON’T GO–her snipers are very accurate. : )
>I am cheering for you! TAL is my favorite, uh, podcast. (Seriously, what mom has a chance to listen to radio programs when they are actually on?)