>Soccer Widow
>As many of you know, we are a Soccer Family. Three out of our four kids currently play on soccer teams, and Bruiser looks like he’ll join the fray as soon as he’s out of diapers.
I love watching my kids play soccer. But I don’t always love being the coach’s wife. I talk about why in this week’s newspaper edition of Suburban Turmoil. Here’s the full text of the column…
Soccer Widow
“Hello?” My stepdaughter frowned into the phone as she heard the caller’s voice.
“Just a minute, please,” she muttered wearily, hitting the mute button. “It’s one of Dad’s girlfriends,” she told me flatly before heading to the den to hand Hubs the phone.
In a moment, I heard my husband’s booming voice. “You’ve gotta be kidding me! A torn ACL? Aw, that’s the pits. You don’t have a lot of other sweeper options.” I sighed. It was indeed one of the ‘girlfriends,’ as we call them around here, an assortment of high school soccer coaches who call my husband to exchange team gossip.
Hubs would be glued to the phone for at least the next 30 minutes and dinner would have to wait. I scowled down at my pot roast and imagined picking up the extension and blowing my husband’s coaching whistle into the receiver as loud as I could.
Although I’ve had several years now to get used to my second-class status as coach’s wife, it never really gets any easier.
Tomorrow, I’ll be the one standing glassy-eyed at a cookout while some soccer dad harangues Hubs on which cleats are best for synthetic turf. Next Tuesday night, I’ll play the single mom, wrangling two small children in the bleachers by myself so that my husband can stand on the other side of the field and tell my stepdaughters and their teammates what to do.
Among my three girls, Hubs is coaching seven different teams. For us, soccer has become a year-round affair, and my house resembles one enormous locker room, muddy cleats perpetually tripping guests in the front hallway, smelly shin guards and socks littering the stairs, errant balls collecting dust under the dining room table, and everywhere, everywhere, team lineups scrawled on scraps of paper.
I suppose my husband’s coaching obsession helps dull the sting of mid-life, and I realize his opiate of choice could be far worse. He could be googly eyed over golf, for example, the most boring sport ever invented. Or bourbon. Or a 23-year-old tramp with a father complex.
Soccer can also be a cruel mistress, though, and my patience is wearing thin. I cling now to small respites from the sport, like the romantic date night we scheduled last week. Starry-eyed over the prospect of a few soccer-free hours with my man, I looked as good that evening as a woman with 10 minutes to get ready could.
We snuck away to a romantic, dimly lit restaurant and stared meaningfully at each other over lobster tempura and a bottle of wine. After a long, lingering moment, both of us opened our mouths to speak.
“Go ahead,” Hubs laughed.
“No,” I said, blushing. “You first.” I couldn’t wait to hear what Hubs had to say. Would he tell me I was prettier than the day we married? Would he insist my eyes sparkled that night like never before? He leaned forward.
“I just hope the girls don’t get too confident about tomorrow night’s game,” he said. “I mean, River Fork isn’t the best team out there, but they could easily beat us. Don’t you think?”
I stared at him.
“Oh come on,” he insisted, oblivious. “You remember them from last year. River Fork.”
These are the times when I want nothing more than to take a butcher knife and slash every soccer ball in the house.
Knowing this, you might wonder if you saw me how I maintain my outward calm, season in and season out. Well, I have a secret — one that has nothing to do with Xanax. Instead it resides in the delicate form of my 4-year-old daughter, Punky. Both my stepdaughters will be going to college soon and Hubs is now banking on our frail preschool flower to be the next Mia Hamm.
Let’s just say it doesn’t look promising.
She’s pranced around the soccer field for three seasons now, scoring no goals but inspiring countless rounds of Ring-Around-the-Rosie. Then last month, she started dance class and the die was cast.
“I like soccer a little bit,” she announced afterward. “But ballerina school is my best day ever.”
A sly smile spread across my face as I embraced my tiny dancer. The end of soccer was finally in sight. After all these long years, could victory really be mine?
Don’t count on it.
Last Saturday, I let my 18-month-old son, Bruiser, run around on the field before Punky’s game. He toddled over to a soccer ball and deftly began kicking it across the grass. “No, Bruiser,” I chided, but my words did no good. Running up to the goal, he booted the ball in and raised his arms in celebration.
I looked at over at Hubs, hoping he hadn’t noticed. But he had. And he was grinning wildly.
“Forget it, Hubs,” I said, shaking my head. “No!”
Did you see that?” he asked wonderingly. “He might be ready to join a team next fall!”
I shuddered as the prospect of 16 more years of soccer crushed me like a giant anvil. It was more than one coach’s wife could bear. Stomping my feet, I held my fists up to the sky and I howled.
“NOOOOOOOOO!”
Around me, the parents’ chatter abruptly stopped. They gave me pitying looks, but they didn’t really seem surprised.
It was just another day in the life of a soccer widow.
>Politics..political news shows…political talk shows… oh my GOD enough already! lol! My husband is a very intelligent man but he loves to debate and voice his opinion and although I agree with him and his views, I wish he would stop TALKING all the time about it!
>Obsession or annoyance? The fact that he will watch any and all bad movies, over and over and over again. And I’ll say “WTF is that?” and he’ll go “Oh it’s Blood of Rambo’s Dog Part 4” – and I’ll slap my forehead and say “dude, there’s laundry to fold.”
>Didn’t you just blog about this?http://www.cnn.com/2008/HEALTH/10/03/bathroom.hygiene/index.html
>We're one of the strange families that have the same obsession. Hubby and I both shoot Trap competitively in our region, and our boys are also always with us, so we're never apart. I actually met him when we were both at the National Collegiate Trap & Skeet competition in 1999, we started dating, and 3 years later we got married! It was love at first shot, we say.
>Yep, I totally see what you mean. At 6:00pm today I will lose my husband to Vanderbilt – announcing two soccer games and one football game in a matter of three days. Fun times! Oh, how I can wait for basketball season to start.Then next weekend, I will lose him on the 9th hole at Flint Hills National Golf Club. I am, indeed, a golf widow.But, I don’t mind so much. He’s got an incredible knack for sports addressing and he looks so darn handsome in that golf outfit. Plus, if he plays well…I get lucky!
>Politics and triathlons. Please someone shoot me now.
>Football season. That only lasts 6 months. I pray he doesn’t figure out Nascar.
>Guitars! Now he’s in a band at 45 years old playing the blues. It was supposed to be a once in awhile thing, but now he practices for 3-4 hours every Tues. No big deal unless there is a “gig”. This week he practiced on Tues, played out Thurs at a festival and is in a blues competition on Sun that will last most of the day. It’s REALLY annoying! LOL
>I’m so glad to have found you online! I love your columns!
>B-movies, Horror flicks, and the Simpsons. My Hubby has a special place in his heart for pure cheesy entertainment. He dosen’t sit down to watch often but when he does he’s gone. I had no idea how bad it truly was till last year. I was reading a magazine artical to him. He was flicking channels. I was about half way through when my son tugged on my sleeve and said “Mama…he’s not really listening….watch…Dad can I borrow the car?” My husband made a humming noise, nodded his head, and waved his hand absently in the general direction of my 11 year old boy. I have since found out that “Dawn of the Dead” or some such(and a tape recorder) is how aforementioned son and our daughter almost talked him into a coed sleep over while I was visiting friends. A Simpson marathon rasied their allowances by almost 60%. I have since trained him to respond to all voices with “Ask your Mother.” It’s actually kinda funny. “Dad, dinners ready.”…”Ask your Mother.”
>i loved reading the comments as much as the article! let’s see, for my hubby, i’m currently a World of Warcraft widow.
>Right now, I’m so totally a football widow. When football season is over, I’ll go right back to my old staple, the Jeep widow. I swear, if he could figure out a way to hump that thing, I’d be out in two seconds flat.
>Well, I used to be a video game widow, but now I’m only forgotten on Saturdays and Wednesday nights;)
>I can trump it all- My husband has 3 major hobbies: 1. Flamenco guitar. He takes lessons 3 hours away, wants to buy a $10000 new guitar “because it sounds more professional” and likes to play all day long2. Snowboarding. Every day off in the winter 8am-10pm. New equipment every year. All vacations in the snow.3. Snakes. Yes, he breeds snakes. They ahve their own room in our basement. He spends night after night building custom cages. I didn’t marry a man, I married a collection.
>Autumn, that’s one of the funniest comments I’ve ever read!
>Politics, video games, football (both college and pro), collecting music and attending out of state concerts because “that’s the closest such and such band is coming to us”. All of it makes me want to scream. Good thing he’s cute and a good kisser…
>mine golfs at least 3 times a week(yay) one time many years ago he said, you sure send a lot of time playing on your computer (male pout) I said, it’s a lot cheaper than 3 rounds of golf a week, plus clothes, shoes , new clubs ,blahblahblah. He has never mentioned my time online since.
>My husband loves on line poker. But, I can’t complain too much because I sit right next to him blogging so…
>I see your Soccer coach and raise you 4 businesses, member of the Republican party (requires meetings a few times a year, usually in another city), elected to some weird political position I never heard of, started and is VP of our local Civic association, and, now, being asked to do something for the church. I use to joke that our kids would ask who is that guy that walks through the house sometimes. This was before kids. Sadly, they are just very disappointed when Daddy has other commiments and can’t tuck them in bed at night. He is not a bad dad, just a man who can’t say no. *sigh*
>My soccer coach hubby has changed his obsession. Yeah, Mr. Tae Kwon Do bad ass… shooting for a black belt… soccer was cheaper… YAY soccer! I’m going to ninja kick his ass one of these days….
>Loved the column.I am so over soccer. I lettered in High School, and spent more of the time injured than actually playing.My daughter (5) is a dancer. She loves to dance. She has class twice a week. As long as she loves it, we’ll support it. She did soccer at age 3. She was good, for a 3 year old, but there were so many parents that were already planning on scholarships, that I just didn’t want to be there.We signed her up this fall because her best friend was playing and HER BEST FRIENDS MOM WAS WILLING TO CHAUFFER HER! Our daughter told us she could take it or leave it with soccer. The trophy at the end of the season would be the highlight.She is curious about basketball this winter…I like exposing her to new things, but we’re not afraid if she doesn’t like them.
>I’m not allowed to have any hobbies right now.
>I agree with your hubs, that it IS a funny column. However, I must raise a protest to one point made therein: golf is the most boring sport ever? Lindsay, Lindsay, Lindsay…clearly you have not indulged the sport. Golf is many things: challenging, demanding, practice-intensive, coordination-intensive, patience-mandating and problem-solving. It is also a great sport to help one with geometry (angles of approach out of bunkers, around trees, etc).Beyond that, it is creative, in that more colorful metaphors fly on a golf course than in Congress, and the sport itself is very aerobic, including when one is driven to wrap a club around a tree, or throw the whole bag load into a pond, only to have to dive for the damned thing because you put your car keys in the bag at the start of the round…Golf is ANYTHING but BORING 😉
>I’m the wife of a former collegiate soccer coach. Now he coaches boys AND girls soccer in two different seasons. That’s 8 months of soccer, soccer, soccer.I feel your pain. :o) I have to listen to play by plays of things I didn’t see the first time – and I was at the game!
>Tanks. Yes, tanks. Plus all things military especially from WW2. Do you have any idea how many military museums there are? I think I’ve been to them all. We plan our vacations around where the tanks are. Have spent two days at Aberdeen in Maryland where they have a huge tank museum. Planning a trip to London when the dollar recovers a bit. Are we going to go to castles or palaces? No. The Imperial War Museum is at the top of the list. Plus some place south of London where they have a tank museum and you can pay to drive one. My teenage sons are also infected. Nightly conversations at the table all center around military stuff. I try to look at the bright side. If I’m every on a game show and the million dollar question is about Sherman or Abrams, I’m going to win!
>My son and his dad are baseball fanatics. We’re doing fall ball this year, and after that is the regular (spring) season. They stay up late to watch the pros play, and we go to pro games as often as possible. I used to hate all this, and really wanted my son to be more of a theater or art type, but after a while I decided not to fight it and I put *Baseball for Dummies* on my Amazon wish list. I’m determined to be able to talk RBIs and such with my boy! ;^) Oh, and we named our most recent dog Slider, after the pitch. Yep, all baseball all the time.
>marsha – the Imperial War Museum isn't that bad, yes, there is much militaria there, but there's also some real art (top floor) and some other interesting exhibits. I didn't know about this tank place, it's probably not too far from where I live. Hmmm…Have you been on the Normandy D-Day tour yet? Even my husband got tired of the tanks and battlements after a while – and it's lovely countryside and good food. Arromanches and the floating harbor was amazing.Anyway, my husband likes the military stuff – I think I've been in every regimental museum in the UK. But really he is a D&D freak. I thought he’d grow out of it. Blechhh. He’s off playing that now while I have sick baby at home.
>Yes, my husbands obsession is called procrastination. More specifically, video game addiction. To be honest, I wouldn’t care about the procrastination if it took the form of cooking or cleaning, but if he’s going to suck us 250 more dollars a day into debt on a medical school education, couldn’t the house at least be clean?Apparently no.
>I think Soccer Mom sounds like a normal phrase and even Soccer Widow (I am the coach in the family…oops- but not soccer) anyway, every time I hear Palin say, “Hockey Mom” I turn into a 12 year old and say, “hockey mom, hehehe hockey, hehehe”