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Hi! I'm Lindsay Ferrier. You might remember me from a blog called Suburban Turmoil. Well, a lot has changed since I started that blog in 2005. My kids grew up, I got a divorce, and I finally left the suburbs for the heart of Nashville, where I feel like I truly belong. I have no idea what the future will hold and you know what? I'm okay with that. Thrilled, actually. It was time for something totally different.
Attachment Parenting Sucks
December 13, 2006
If you’re a mom, chances are you know all about attachment parenting. It seems like attachment moms are everywhere, wearing their infants in slings, nursing their babies way beyond the 12-month mark and even, gasp, CO-SLEEPING.
As a new mother, attachment moms were basically the bane of my existence, somehow managing to one-up me in every aspect of the stay-at-home mom experience. They didn’t just stay home with the baby, they attached. And I, with my child in a crib down the hall who was weaned at 10 months (because of a family vacation that didn’t include her! I was practically inviting psychosis in my front door!), didn’t. I mean, I bonded. I snuggled. I loved so much it hurt. I played and sang and taught. But according to my Attachment Parenting “friends,” it just wasn’t good enough.
So yeah, you could say that the whole notion of attachment parenting left a bad taste in my mouth, at least until recently when I took another look at the philosophy for the Nashville Scene. The full text of the column is below.
Unattached
By the time my first child was four months old, I was pretty sure I was going to fall down and die if I didn’t have a martini, or several, ASAP. Preferably in a place where the music was loud (conversation is so overrated), the lighting was low (the better to conceal my slowly deflating mummy tummy) and four-month-old babies were strictly prohibited.
I hatched a foolproof martini-swilling plan that hinged on a woman named Rhonda. She was part of a moms’ group I’d been attending and lived just five minutes away.
“Rhonda!” I bubbled after calling her. “I have this great idea! If you’ll watch Baby for a few hours one night, then I’ll keep Jacob for a few hours on another night. That way, we don’t have to take our chances with babysitters and we can both get in some quality Virago time with our husbands!”
“Um….” Rhonda exhaled through her nose. “We don’t actually believe in leaving Jacob with anyone else. So… Thanks anyway.”
“Oookay,” I said, muttering a “Biz-atch” for good measure as I hung up the phone.
In retrospect, I should’ve known my bright idea was doomed from the start. At our mommy meetings, Rhonda and her friends always huddled together, murmuring mysterious terms like co-sleeping and family planning. They breastfed their babies with an air of importance, proudly whipping out their boobs like they were front row tickets to a Pixies reunion tour.
As it turned out, The Rhondettes practiced various forms of Attachment Parenting, a philosophy advocating almost constant physical contact between mother and infant. Ideally, an attachment baby rides around in a body sling, sleeps in his parents’ bed and has a stay-at-home mom. Cribs, strollers, bottles and sitters all are on the shit list of many AP moms. And from the looks on the Rhondettes’ faces, so was I.
Once I quit the group, the subject of attachment parenting gave me the same vaguely nauseated feeling I get when I see Vic Lineweaver campaigning. But now that I’m older, wiser, and writing for the Scene, I decided it was high time I put my AP theory (i.e., attachment-mom-equals-high-strung-harpy) to the test.
Since Attachment Parenting International is headquartered right here in Nashville, it took me only a few weeks to convince a few hardcore AP mothers to join me for an informational playgroup. To my surprise, the women I met were totally cool and open about their beliefs. They admitted there are plenty of Rhondas in the AP world (Hell, let’s be honest. There are plenty of Rhondas everywhere), but insisted they were trying to quash that kind of judgmental behavior.
As we talked, I realized that my child rearing techniques were more in line with attachment parenting than I’d thought. I believed in positive discipline, too, and I didn’t bother with strict feeding and nap schedules. Perhaps I qualified as a semi-attached parent, my baby metaphorically dangling from my body like a cheap fanny pack on a tourist at Tootsie’s. But I really perked up about my attachment prospects when it was revealed that one of the moms was friendly with Allison Krauss.
“She even got Allison to sing at our API benefit last week and it was wonderful!” the other mom gushed. “Allison is a great mom!”
Was it possible that if I went AP, Allison and I would end up becoming BFFs? I imagined us, the Paris and Britney of Nashville, having coffee at Bongo Java or watching our kids play at Dragon Park as paparazzi leaned out from behind trees to snap our pictures. I’d be sure to always wear my best underwear too, just in case someone was sporting a pesky telephoto lens.
There was just one hitch.
“I can understand why some women are all for attachment parenting,” I said. “But I can’t see a whole lot of husbands getting on board.”
I mean, seriously. How many men out there will happily agree to give up their bed, their boozy date nights, and their wife’s rack for two or three years, minimum?
The attachment moms named a few sensitive Stuart Smalley types they knew. “Some guys definitely have a problem adjusting, though” one mom admitted. “Like that guy in Michigan who went up on the roof of his house and said he wasn’t coming down until his kids started sleeping in their own beds.”
She wasn’t exaggerating. Back in March, James Wilson garnered nationwide news coverage when he set up a tent on his rooftop and proclaimed that the “family bed” was interfering with his sex life. “I’m speaking on behalf of all of the husbands in this nation that suffer in silence,” he told a local television station.
After the moms had left, I poked around on the Internet for attachment fathering support. While there were tons of forums and articles for moms, all I could turn up for dads was a few silly-looking pictures of men wearing baby slings and an article advising guys to read every day to their unborn child. I also found an interesting study claiming dads were anthropologically justified in letting the kids use their nipples as pacifiers.
I wondered how this news would go over with Hubs.
“I was thinking,” I said that night as we watched TV. “Maybe when the baby is born, you can let him nurse on your nipples if I’m out somewhere.”
Hubs looked at me sideways. “Does this have to do with your attachment parenting deal?”
“Maybe.” I’d been outed. After a moment, I continued.
“Okay, nursing may be sort of extreme. But I do think you should read a book to my belly every day, so you can bond with the new baby.”
“Forget it.”
“Why not?” I pouted.
“Because I wouldn’t read a book to a two-hour-old baby, so why would I read to an unborn one?”
He had a point.
And yet, so do I. I can’t wait to see his face when I start telling people I’m married, but unattached, thanks to my husband. I’m sure he’ll eventually come around.
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>The Tiny Revolution is a great blog written by a stay at home dad who uses (is ‘uses’ the right word? Maybe it’s ‘practices’) AP. Reading his site has made me interested in learning more about it, as I’d never heard about it before. There are a lot of aspects that make sense to me. Granted, I guess I need to have a kid first, but I like the idea of some of it.Anyway, you said you weren’t able to find a lot about AP dads. I’ll bet he’s got some helpful links over there too.Great column, as always!
>I didn’t sleep in the kids’ cribs; they shouldn’t sleep in mine. We had toddler gates to keep them within a confined space.Family beds? Incredible.And 22 years ago, when my Older Daughter was born, the nurse asked if I was going to let the baby… uh… suckle. I said something about not having the… uh… necessary equipment — and she said lots of fathers were doing that.”Not me,” I said, “I suppose the kid can suck on my knuckle… at least until it starts teething,” and the nurse excused herself to report me to Family Services.Of course, this was the same hospital where they asked if we were really going to take the baby girl home with us… because they’d had a rash of first-time parents of daughters sneaking out and leaving the babies behind. But only girl babies.So there were — at least 22 years ago — some fathers who were less “attached” than I was….
>That was a great article. My wife and I practice the attached parenting thing with our son…cosleeping, baby-wearing, fairly relaxed schedules, etc. For us, it just spoke very much to what we believed in about how we wanted to parent, and though it’s harder at times, it suits us pretty well. Your experiences with both the Nazi AP parents and the more laid back types sounds about right on. Man, how people love to take the moral highground. We live in Austin, which has a pretty big AP community, and at times, we seem to catch it from both ends, from both non-AP parents (your baby sleeps in your bed?!?!) and other AP parents (our baby breastfed until he was 16!). So yes, there are other AP dads out there. But to answer your next question, no, my son doesn’t suck on my tits.
>Lindsey, you gotta vet some of your sources a little. That James Wilson guy up on the roof? He was a convicted sex offender, striking not because his wife insisted on bedsharing with her 3 month old infant but because his wife wasn’t giving him any sexual favours and he attributed it to the bedsharing. I’m glad you took the time to look into AP. It’s pretty cool and like anything, there are many shades of it. I didn’t realize I was an APer until long after I’d been practicing nursing on demand (becuase, duh, baby’s hungry, feed him!), cosleeping (for me, I could not imagine being out of arms reach of my newborn and then, with the nursing, I mean, I was tired, when I nursed lying down in bed, I could breastfeed AND sleep, frakkin’ brilliant!) and slinging (baby’s like to be held, it makes them feel safe and they cry less, but I had to do stuff so, into the sling: happy baby, productive mom = happy family!). So, should I start sewing an Asian Baby Carrier out of some gorgeous material?
>Are you serious, Mamaloo? I read about him on CNN, ABC, the AP, etc and saw interviews with him and his wife and read nothing about him being a sex offender- and yes, I assumed he was attributing his lack of sex to the babies in the bed. Obviously. He had two kids in bed with them, by the way, not just the baby.His wife’s response to his strike? “He’ll live.”I’m sure it’s possible to be creative about sex when the kids are in the “family bed” but I would almost guarantee that sex is totally decreased by co-sleeping. I’m not knocking AP, but in all honesty, that’s one of the concerns I have about it. I really don’t want the kids to add more stress to my marriage than absolutely necessary. I think it just takes a balance of ideas- for me anyway.
>http://blogcritics.org/archives/2006/03/31/163220.phpActually, if Sean had pulled a stupid ass stunt like that, I woulda just filed papers, because, lets be honest, what kind of husband supports his wife and the mother of his two children by treating her like that? Sitting on the roof, opening a webpage and going to the media with his sob story about “I ain’t getting any because my wife is taking care of our kids”? That’s a marriage that has real problems.I don’t know about other couples, but after the birth of my son, we didn’t even have sex until 3 months postpartum and the second time we did the deed was 6 months post partum. Now, that’s probably on the extreme end of things, but my husband didn’t complain once. Not once. Never even looked askance at me. Because we were both too tired to even think about it half the time and my reluctance to get intimate, for fear of pain, was something my husband decided was a thing we could work on and weather. And, the boobs? Bigger than they ever looked before! My husband was the last person to want me to quit nursing! In fact, in the earlier, leakier days, it was a joke between us if he could trigger the letdown reflex by making sure I got my “due” in the bed ( the same hormone that stimulates letdown also stimulates the contractions of woman’s orgasms – you do the math there!). All in all, I think if you have a strong marriage, you’ll both be able to roll with the punches. APing doesn’t mean sleeping with a kid in your bed every single moment you are in that bed. Maybe when you’re feeling frisky, baby sleeps in the pack and play for a few hours, or in a cosleeper or a bassinet. Or maybe baby sleeps near you, not nescessarily next to you. I’m guessing that the vast majority of APers don’t resent each other for changes in their lifestyle. And, I’m willing to bet if changes in a couple’s lifestyle cause big problems in your marriage, it’s not the lifestyle changes that need to be examined: those couples have actual marriage problems that need sorting out. But, of course, I don’t care a fig if someone wants to make different parenting choices. I just thought the use of the James Wilson thing wasn’t a great idea or at all representative of parents with different parenting philosophies.
>Not to worry- James Wilson was the extreme end of the spectrum- just as the using-men’s-nipples-as-a-pacifier was an extreme example of the other side.
>Hi, I’m de-lurking this once -I unknowingly developed my own style of AP as I went along. I think it is easier because it is a more natural fit; however, if the plan isn’t working toward family balance, it doesn’t fit. BTW – that baby sling is the best tool I have for nursing discreetly. People would comment, thinking she was sleeping. The sling also became indispensible when I needed to hold the baby and help the toddler, too.
>I am so past the age of having any babies in the house but I did read your article because I always enjoy them.I apologize that what really caught my eye and made me laugh was the advert for sex toys right next to it. 🙂 (sextoy.com) Seriously…go look. That may lead to more babies for more AP….hum?I will try to stay focused next time.(love your sense of humor!)
>You know, I never ONCE co-slept with our daughter. I did carry her around sometimes in her bjorn but (looking around hoping not to be scorned) only because it was the ONLY WAY I could do ANYTHING. Sometimes I get jealous of the kids that just fall asleep on their parents (even at 3) or who can sleep in a hotel bed with them. I guess that’s what I get. Jokes on me! 😛
>I guess I would be called semiAP. I hate those labels, because there is such an elitist attitude with groups like that. I breastfed for almost 2 years, but I’m not getting near Le Leche League for the same reason. I have been through and enjoyed extended nursing, cosleeping, and wearing the baby in a sling. I have also had positive experiences with strollers, bottles, transitioning baby to her own bed, and even weaning. I think it’s because I do what is right for my family and me. I don’t do any of it to prove a point or to keep up with the extreamists. I enjoyed this article. I will say that co sleeping did not affect our sex life negatively at all. All cosleeping does is force you to have sex somewhere other than your bed and at different times of the day/night. For new parents, I think that’s a good thing. God knows that I wouldn’t have been to creative sexually otherwise. Besides, all this mommy ever wanted to do in the bed was sleep. Save sex for the kitchen counter. ; )
>I do a mix of everything.Right now, I’m into ‘leisurely potty training.’People tell me how wonderfuly well-adjusted and happy, I attribute it to parenting-by-child. Now, my tween on the other hand….
>I read an AP book at one point because I had a super screamy, ultra frustrated baby who wouldn’t sleep. There was a soothing pre-sleep routine of some kind that had something like (I am not kidding) ELEVEN steps to it. I got another book that might as well have been titled, Put her in the crib and WALK AWAY. We did that and she is a happy, well-adjusted child who doesn’t always nap well but sleeps like a rock all night and wakes up cheerful.We did co-sleep until she was several months old, and I nursed until 15 months, and she would not tolerate a sling for any reason. Every kid is different and no one approach to parenting is the “correct” one. And some of those Boob Nazis and AP Nazis are just like that in all parts of their lives. It’s like they have to feel superior to everyone. Whatev.
>I never even knew this thing HAD A NAME! Any parenting philosophy that becomes a “my way or the highway” experience irks me. (Same with breast-feeding nazi-women!) I nursed and often allowed my sons to fall asleep in our bed as they nursed. Heck, it was easier. BUT, I always groggily got up and placed them back into the crib. The kids need to learn some self-calming and independence and I need to SLEEP. I’m all about loving the children, but once they leave my body, they are no longer supposed to be physically attached. It was meant to be that way. They learn and grown and we nurture in every possible way. This, to me, does not mean they need to be attached to my body. I’m not a friggin’ kangaroo.
>The Salon article on “Babywise” is amazing. I had no idea.One of my best friends and closest resource through my current (and first) pregnancy gave me that book as soon as she found out I was pregnant.I hadn’t started to read it yet, and now I’m torn between reading it just to see how much of the Salon article is true and not reading it because if any of it is true I don’t want any part of that book.Thanks for the link.
>I will respectfully disagree with the whole babywise thing (and AP, for that matter). My kids were both “babywised”…and I give a copy of the book to my expecting friends…but always with the caveat: take what you read with a grain of salt. Do what you are COMFORTABLE with. My kids both used pacifiers (strictly forbidden in BW), I often nursed them “off schedule” because I KNEW they were hungry. But they both learned to sleep through the night by 10 weeks. And they are not skinny, malnourished children. They were always in the 50th to 75th percentile for weight (height is a different story, but you can blame heredity for that one, lol). One friend used it for her 2nd child and was wishing she’d had it for her first. The baby was sleeping through the night, the 3 year old was waking multiple times.What I’m trying to say is that one must ALWAYS do what works best for them AND the children. I don’t begrudge anyone who is AP that constant attachment. I “slung” my son when he was little because it was CONVENIENT for me.I agree with the curmudgeon about co-sleeping. I agree with natsthename about anything that is totally extreme.Take it all with a grain of salt, and life is much easier. EVERYTHING IS TEMPORARY!
>I agree with Linda–I used Babywise too (I had absolutely no idea it had any sort of ‘christian agenda’ to it either), but I used something called ‘common sense’ (you’d be amazed how many people have never heard of it!) in tailoring it to my daughter. If it was before her ‘regular’ feeding time and she was obviously hungry I would feed her. If she needed some assurance after being put down to sleep I would go in and rock her for a little while. She never had dehydration problems nor was she ever underweight. In any event, you do what works for you, ’nuff said. There’s no need to be judgemental towards other people’s choices–I am SO over that!
>Wow! Attachment Parenting was not an issue that found its way to my cave yet. I understand when people don’t want to be away from their kids, but don’t you think there would be serious emotional issues for kids that were raised always touching their parents? Where do they learn to be independent? How do they survive in the world without their mommy and daddy holding them? Do mommmy and daddy follow their adult children to work and let them “suckle” on break? I can understand where AP’s are coming from – but I definitly would not want my child to be that, well, attached to me. I want my kids to not be afraid to live their lives. And, sorry if I offend anyone, but nursing your child beyond the needed time (when their bodies can handle solid food) is just a wierd form of molestation!And, I can understand kids sleeping with parents sometimes (bad dream, just fell asleep) but my kids have never slept in the same bed with us and never will. My mom had my sister sleep with her while she was a baby, because she was scared of “crib death” but my sister almost suffocated on a pillow in the bed. Plus, mom was single then. I prefer sex and independent children to a deprived husband and needy kids ANY DAY.
>And, sorry if I offend anyone, but nursing your child beyond the needed time (when their bodies can handle solid food) is just a wierd form of molestation!WOW. So everyone should wean the moment their child starts solid foods (usually at 4 – 6 months old) and switch to formula? Sorry to tell you the AAP disagrees.Oh, and I’m not molesting my 13 month old when he nurses, I’m feeding him. Huge difference.
>Sorry…I meant when they move on to eating like “big people.” No, I didn’t mean when they are still babies…I’m talking about like, “the holmes” who said they nursed their kid until they were 16.
>A good “middle-of-the-road” approach to sleeping and feeding is “Secrets of the Baby Whisperer.” It’s got a great compromise between the two extremes. But even that book is not all the way right and I did not only use that author’s principles. You’ve got to read lots of books, try some stuff out with your family, and figure out what is healthy and works best for everyone involved.
>Thanks for the clarification, btrfly. I’ll admit I find REALLY extended breastfeeding kind of ooky too, but I don’t think it’s molestation either. But definitely not for me. Two years is my limit.
>butrfly, one of the basic ideas behind AP, which is attending to your infants emotional needs asap and not letting them sit in a play pen or bouncy chair and whine for you, is that by seeing to this basic human need for near constant comfort and contact with a parent you are making your child feel safe, loved, nurtured and tusting in your ability to take care of them well. The result is that most AP children are very independant when they become toddlers and preschoolers because they know you’ll be there for them when they need you. YMMV, but that is the main idea behind the whole practice of AP: give what your child needs and craves now so that later they will be more independant, happy and healthy.
>My favorite books on nutrition are by Ellyn Satter. She advocates breastfeeding, but in one book she said that a mother who really hates breastfeeding may create an unpleasant feeding experience for her child, and might be better off switching to the bottle. I feel this way about a lot of parenting issues. Techniques have to work for the parent as well as for the child. Most kids who grow up in a loving, consistent environment will turn out well, whether they slept with their parents for 6 weeks or 6 years. Relax and try to enjoy being a parent, and let other people enjoy themselves too!
>There are several problems with Linda and Birdgirl’s recommendation to use Babywise, but “with common sense.”First, much of the medical, developmental, breastfeeding, and sleep information in BW is not accurate. A lot of opinions are presented as facts. Consequently, intelligent, loving parents are making decisions based on faulty information–faulty information that can lead to serious problems for baby. (See ezzo.info for details.)Second, for some babies, the ideas in BW seem to “work.” Their inate rhythm is in sync with the schedules promoted by Gary Ezzo. Their belly size can accomodate larger feedings less frequently. They “fit” with the sleep schedule okay. Perhaps Linda’s and Birdgirl’s little ones fall into this category. The thing is, there are many babies who do NOT “fit” into the BW type of schedule, and a new mom just doesn’t know whether her baby will or not. When people recommend Babywise, how often do you hear the caveat, “Well, some mothers don’t make enough milk using this program and some babies end up with delayed growth or sleep disorders or attachment issues–so be careful, and I hope your baby “fits” into it well!”And finally, c’mon be honest, have you EVER met someone who thought they didn’t have common sense? Have you ever met a new mom who would say “oh, I can’t be flexible or use common sense, so I better stay away from Babywise!” While each parent is fully responsible for her own actions and her own child, I put the onus of providing sound, researched, medically and developmentally accurate information on the author. And in this area, Gary Ezzo fails to measure up.Just for clarity. . . I am not criticizing any mother who has used Babywise or discounting your love or common sense. I am criticizing an author and a method with a track record of poor results, even when used by loving, common-sensical parents.
>I am a new parent who is breastfeeding and plans to continue until baby is ready to wean. I use cloth diapers for the environmental benefits, carry baby is a sling so I’m *duh* hand’s free and my baby cries less, and co-sleep because it makes breastfeeding that much frickin’ easier. I guess that makes me an ‘AP’. What irks me is that I came to these conclusions about parenting based on what has been researched and found best for my child’s needs… for the best nutrition, the calmest and happiest temperament, the best for the environment. Not based on ‘conveinience’. All these parents who want their kids to be conveinient shouldn’t be parents at all. Parenting isn’t about YOU. It’s about a brand new energy sucking life you chose to create, and the cost/benefit isn’t supposed to work in your favor. It’s an excercise is giving selflessly, loving madly, and putting oneself second. I think the ‘cry it outs’ of the world are bitter and selfish,and I feel sorry for their children.
>The funny thing is that I really liked the AP parents I spoke with because they admitted that AP groups tend to have some overly judgemental women in them and said they want to put a stop to it, acknowledging that most parents are really doing the best they can.I don’t agree at all with crying it out, but calling people who do “bitter” and “selfish” helps no one and doesn’t foster change.