>Bias, Anyone?
>The current buzz is over a NY Times article published yesterday about Start Over Dads or SODs, men in their 60s or beyond who are having children. In typical NY Times fashion, the writer tries to come off as fairly evenhanded about whether older men should father children. But then we come to this picture:
Is this dad giving his daughter an affectionate forehead-y hug or is he merely using her young frame for support as he prepares to keel over from a heart attack? I mean seriously, was this the best shot the photographer could get of this father-daughter team?
It doesn’t help matters that when I saved this endearing portrait to my desktop, I noticed that the NY Times had chosen to name it, simply, OLD.
I think we know where they stand on this issue…
The SODs featured in this article make my husband look positively youthful, but the truth is that having a newborn at the age of 46 does make him a tad bit nervous. He’s a very physical, energetic guy and I think that the notion of perhaps not being able to take down his son in a headlock twenty years from now is causing him some stress.
I don’t think he needs to worry. A few years ago, his dad responded to my taunting (yes, I taunt my father-in-law. Regularly.) about his physical strength by grabbing a street sign and holding himself horizontally on it by his hands. And he’s like, 103 years old or something. So I think Hubs has nothing to fret about.
Anyway, I hate when people analyze age differences in relationships, as if a lot of planning and forethought goes into them before they happen. I certainly didn’t grow up imagining a husband who was 15 years older than I was (ew); I just fell in love at 25 and in that moment, age was irrelevant.
If the same is true for any woman of childbearing age and she wants to have children with the man she’s in love with, what does it matter what age he is, as long as they’re in a financial position to do so? Is it fair to her to say her husband is too old for children? Is it fair to their children if their father dies while they’re still young? What’s the solution? I’m curious to know your thoughts.
>My only real concern would be the connection between older fatehrs and birth defects too.Traditionally it was always blamed on an older mother, but they are finding men can contribute as well. Which is only fair.I don’t mean men your husband’s age, but a 65+ year old man having a baby is just irresponsible. Then again I don’t think old farts should drive either 🙂
>Oh Lord! This is the funniest thing I’ve read in a while! Old indeed.I’d love to see a pic of your FIL horizontal on a street sign.
>Even making the acronym SOD is funny. Sod off! Go away you dirty sod! These men are old as dirt! Okay I’m done.
>My Father was 19 yrs older than my Mother and 42 when I was born. He was a great father. Coached little league, basketball, played with me in the backyard, etc. For him personally being an “older” father was not an issue. He was a much better father to me at 42 than he was with my brother and sister in his 20’s & 30’s.
>Seeing Tony Randall wearing the Bjorn kind of creeps me out a little!Not that any of us knows how long we have, but having a new baby at 60+ does make me scratch my head. I don’t know that they’re truly thinking of what would be best for the child…
>ps — my hub was 46 when our son was born, too…
>They really did that? OLD? Geez.I’ll tell ya, nothing tempts everyone else to make your business their business, than having a child.
>it’s nice to have a young father …while its not necessary, but with an older father there is a greater generation gap, and he is probably too old to horse around with you. my father always said he wanted to see his youngest one’s first paycheck come in before he got his last.yet.. if i loved a man and wanted to be with him, i’d have his baby and to hell with what science or society have to say.
>Okay, I was 17 when I graduated from high school. He was 26 in the military. After we got through the miles of ageism from friends and family who told us it would never work etc. We are the only ones still together. I’m 38, he’s 46. and I think age is only relevant to how “old” you feel.Also, my Great Aunt had 11 children. 10 girls, and 1 boy. He was born when she was 55 and my Great Uncle was 65. Gotta keep trying ’til you get what you want.TGIF Darlin’
>I think that it is up to every family and individual to make the decision about what is best for them. I bet “old” dads in a lot of cases make better dads than teenage dads … As far as the “is it fair to the child?” question … it would seem to me that I would rather have a father who was happy, healthy, in a good place financially, who consciously makes the decision to have a family … whatever age that is. If I were a child of an “old” parent (but happy, healthy parent) and didn’t get to have my parent in my life as long as I would like, I think I would just be happy that I DID have them, and that they were a GOOD parent, no matter how long that was.If you look at the “big picture” … shouldn’t we worry more about babies born to drug addicted or neglectful or abusive parents … and not about babies born to “old” parents?
>My son’s dad is 11 years older than I, and was almost 48 when the kiddo was born. He’s 54 now and the assistant coach for the kiddo’s tee-ball team. He also takes the kiddo golfing and fishing, and runs around and roughhouses with the kiddo as well. Frankly, he’s much more physically active than I am. Generally I think age is less important than a person’s overall health and activity level. However, there’s something to be said for statistics, and fathering a child at age 60+ probably means there’s a good chance Dad won’t be bouncing any grandchildren on his knee later in life. Is it fair to a child for fathers to start so late? I’m not sure. Even young fathers die sometimes; nothing is certain. That brings me back to my belief that a person’s health/activity level matters more than age.
>I think that age differences and ages people are having children are a very personal matter and should be left to the people involved. I mean, really what business is it of mine if someone decides to have kids at 40 or 60 or 110? As long as they are finding a way to take of their children, it’s their own private business/pursuit of happiness, etc. As for keeling over a dying, one could get hit by a car on the way to work at the age of 30, and that’s it. And someone else might live into their 100s in sound mind and body. That’s a very individual and subject matter, and if we wind up dictating each other what should be happening at what age, we’re all in trouble.
>I’m so “middle of the road” on everything, but age doesn’t real matter as much as health. A 40 year old HEALTHY father will probably be around longer than a 30 year old UNHEALTHY one!Older fathers sometimes make much better one!! Youth has nothing on responsibility and experience!But, I do have to agree that if you are going to be lucky to make it to your kids’ graduation with your walker or something, maybe you should reconsider. Like marie said, anyone can go at any moment, so the arguement that “they’ll die” isn’t a really good one. But to look at it realistically…are you healthy enough to raise a child? Are the odds in your favor that you will be there until they can go out on their own? Or are they going to spend their teen years changing your diapers?
>My dad is nine years older than my mom. When they got married, they realized that the difference could be an issue, so to keep that from happening, they made sure to do things together to bridge whatever gap there might be between them. They built furniture together for their home, set aside a spare room for an elaborate electric train spread, and got into natural-light photography.When it came time that they wanted children, I was the first. Mom was 24; Dad was 33. No biggie. This year, Dad is 59. My two sisters, now aged 14 and 17, were raised totally differently from my brother and I. Dad has gotten kinda, um, well, tired. He’s been working his butt off since he married my mom, often working/commuting a total of 65 hours a week, with maybe four total weeks of vacation in the last 20 years (none of it paid, mind you) just to make ends meet.Example:When I was 14, I was finally allowed to spend the night with a friend for the first time ever. It was the pastor’s daughter. Both parents were home. I had been invited before, but never allowed.My sister is 14. A few months ago, she called my parents to come pick her up from a keg party. She was drunk. They had to pull over every few miles so she could throw up. She was not even scolded.Summary: The age of the parent is much less important than the level of involvement they are able to give to their children. If they are too tired to pay attention and deal with the stresses of parenthood and the needs of their children and relate to the culture their children live in, then whether they are 30 or 70, they are not suited to raise children.
>Having met with patients who are in their 40s who can no longer walk or even wipe themselves (I had to ask, it was my job), I wholeheartedly agree with the sentiment that age depends on the person. Who’s to say that you shouldn’t father kids at 60 if you have the resources to support them?
>I knew a family where the mom was about 40 and the dad about 60 when the first kid was born. Not only did he see his three boys graduate from high school and college, but each of them worked for their dad after graduating. He retired in his 90’s, and died about two years later. It seemed like he gave them a great childhood and start on life.On the other hand, I knew a family where the son was in college when his father (in his 70s) was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease. His wife was struggling to pay for college and care for her husband at the same time. But there could be similar issues if your 40-year-old dad was in a car accident just as you started college.There are good parents and there are bad parents, but I don’t think that has anything to do with the age of the parents.I am sometimes annoyed by interviews with older dads who go on and on about how wonderfully involved they are with their “second family” after being too busy working to spend any time with their older kids. Hello, those older kids might be reading this interview! Not sure they want to hear how much more you enjoy being your little sister’s dad than they enjoyed being their dad!
>I’m strongly in favor of people doing whatever they want, however, I agree with stl mom that I hate seeing older dads doting on their “new” family when their older kids were ignored (obviously not the case with your husband).liz
>i think good parents are good parents, and age is only one factor in whether a person is a good parent. readiness and maturity and willingness matter most to me…and some financial security doesn’t really hurt, either. a 30 year old parent can drop dead, a 50 year old first-time parent may live to be 95.i don’t think 46 is an old dad (in the cluckworthy sense)…Hubs is probably quite okay, for a fart. 😉
>My husband is 20 years older then me. We had our son when I was 24, he was 44.People seem to have such an issue with age differences, and I think it’s stupid. We’ve been married 15 years and are very happy, while all of our same-age friends got divorced. My son and husband have a great relationship and while no, they aren’t out playing sports together, it doesn’t matter! My son hates sports anyway!And on the subject of dying-well, whose to say that I wouldn’t have gone first? I’d rather spend 10 years with a man I deeply love then 30 with a guy I don’t.
>When the ex became pregnant with A2 I was 44. While we are no longer together A2 (aged 12) and I (aged 56) have a great time together doing the regular father/son things that younger parents do.I wasn’t certain at the time of the pregnancy but I am glad we went through with it. The first real thought I had of my age and my son’s was that when he finished high school I would be 61 and I could imagine my son’s friends saying to him on grad night … hey A1, is that your grandfather?But enough is enough … now more fertilizer from my body.
>Someone I work with is almost 60. He has a 1 year old and a 5 year old. He has a job that requires he be “on” until the early morning hours. But he’s tired as hell, cos his little lovlies run him ragged. His wife is 36 or 37, so I suppose its good one of them has some margin of energy. But those children will lose their father around the time they reach my age. Probably before. And I think that’s horribly sad.
>My uncle had his kid when he was 59. He is now retired and a SAHD.
>How about us Old Mothers? I was 46 and 47 when my chilluns arrived, 11 months apart. Their dad is 8 years younger. He is totally zapped most days, but I zip around here like a Border Collie on crack. I do, however, think about teaching our sons to drive in 9 and 10 years, “Hand me my teeth and my cane, sonny; let’s go out and practice your driving. You’re doing fine, knock wood *rap rap* OH! Is that somebody at the door?!!!!”My parents had my youngest sibling when they were in their 40’s. They love telling everybody “Oh, we cannot recommend highly enough waiting ’til you’re 40 to have kids!” which pisses the hell out of my older siblings and myself. We obviously were just major speedbumps on the freeways of their lives… But I did seem to take their advice, hmmmmm?
>My hubby loves the fact that I’m older then him…even if it’s only a couple of months! MEN! Oh, I nominated you for the Thinking Blog Awards. I love reading about your daily life and your take on things. I even spent a half an hour reading about the mom’s group fiasco. :)Thanks for a great read!!dawn
>My parents were about 30 when I was born and when my sister was born they were both in their 40s. She’s keeping them young. Or running them ragged. I’m not sure which.
>As long as parents are as healthy as they can be, and emotionally mature (I know emotional infants of all ages!) I think age is irrelevant.HOWEVER, I have a problem with start-over dads who ignore their first kids (not the case with you and Hubs, Lindsey!) to start a second family…sort of like throwing out the first “failed” attempts rather than working now to correct the mistakes of the past.My uncle, who I love very much, has two children from his first marriage, both now in their middle 20s and feeling estranged from their father despite their efforts to include him in their lives. When they were growing up, he was gone 90% of the time, addicted to drugs, etc. (he works in the music industry). Now, he’s clean and sober in his mid-fifties, and married to a woman in her early thirties…and they have an 18-month old and a newborn. It’s great that he can be so involved in the lives of his new son and daughter. He’s very much the “hands-on” dad. But it rips his two older kids apart that he has made no effort to address the issues he has with them, that he seems to them to be saying “oh well, I screwed up with you guys, but I can’t fix that, or try to make it up to you now. I’m gonna try with these new kids instead.”Doesn’t help that the new son was given the same middle name as the older son, sort of like “well, the first try doesn’t really count, so let’s take his name and use it for the new model.”Kids 1 & 2 deserve some love and attention, despite being “grown” — especially as they grew up quite poor with an absent father. He could be present in their lives now, if he chose. All they see, unfortunately, is “now that Dad is clean and sober, and makes a good living, he’s spending all his time, money and love on the NEW versions and we don’t matter…we were the failed first drafts.”
>I think that starting a family when you’re older is a smart decision… for many reasons. My best friend has been having kids since high school, and while she is very happy being a momma, she feels like she’s missed out on some parts of being a young adult. I, on the other hand, have no children so there’s not that added responsibility there. My husband and I can do what we want when we want to. I want to have kids someday, but I want to learn more about myself and who I am first. I think that’s the most important thing in life. You’re more likely to be able to teach your children well if you know who you are first and have the life expierences that come with being young.I do think, however, that some people figure that out really early in life. And I think that’s important also. So really, it’s all about knowing who you are first and being able to be involved in your child’s life. Parents are a great source of information for their children… If all that made sense.
>My husband is 12 years older than I am…I am 31 and he is 43…we have a great marriage and we have custody of his two teenage girls (what a hand full!!). But the age difference doesn’t matter to us, as long as we are able to talk and communicate with each other and have fun, that is what matters. And no babies for us..
>I think that in many cases, a man is a better father when he’s a little older.My husband is older than me and has two daughters almost my age. He got married and divorced very young and just wasn’t around them or close to them. He’s a great father to my daughter and says he’s sorry he missed out on raising his own kids, but when he was younger he just wouldn’t have been a good father anyway.
>As is most often the case, one size does not fit all, nor one age for that matter. The only danger in all this conversation about who makes the best Dad, the old or the young; who makes the best Mom, the SAH kind or the working kind, is that the folks that pose such queries often presume they know the answer and gear their articles, books, morning news segments towards their slant. I applaud you for recognizing that the NYT reporter clearly had an opinion on the SOD matter. Old in deed.
>I used to be more judgmental about age differences.Then I met and married my husband, who is 12 years younger than I am (I am 39).;-)
>My father married a woman a few years younger than me after he any my mother divorced. I know that is it very selfish of me to say, but the thought of him having more kids with her did not make me happy. Again…I know very selfish. While I think that he would have been a more involved father if he were to have had kids again he is 50 and she is 28. It is already strange when we are altogether and people say “look at that nice man taking all of his kids and grandkids out for ice cream.” I think it would be hard for their kids too.
>I am in the same position. My husband will be 47 soon, and we are about to have our 2nd son in 2 years any MOMENT now. That’s why we had the 2 so close together (lucky that I’m so fertile, too), because he doesn’t want to wait TOO long. Forty-seven sounds so close to 50 to me, which is the age when, if someone dies of a heart attack, people always say “but he was so young…” I don’t know why that always pops into my head but it does. Motherhood has made a worrier out of me.Solution? Is there one? Does there have to be? For a child to lose a parent at any age is a tragedy. Of course it seems worse when the children are younger. But wouldn’t it be worse for that child to not be here at all? When I look at my son (and my jumping belly) that is all I can come up with.
>We just watched the movie Invincible last night. We were trying to do the math to figure out if the man the movie is based on could possibly have the children he has. He has to be well into his 60s and his kids look about 7-10. I think his wife must be much younger. I do see this trend going on a lot more. BTW–I’ve not commented in awhile but CONGRATS on your nominations. You’re in the big time now, Lucinda….uh Lindsay. (grin) Hope you’re enjoying that baby boy too!
>My mom was almost 42 and my dad was 40 when the youngest of their 6 children was born. That child, my brother, was 38 and 39 when our parents died (about 3 months apart), so there is a good chance he (and I, 2 years his senior) will live more than half our lives without our parents. From talking with the older sibs, he and I were raised quite a bit differently than they were. I think my parents were tired by the time we came around. More relaxed, maybe, too.I’m 45 now, and I have trouble imagining myself as a first-time parent at this age. It sounds exhausting. Heck, I’d rather get a year-old dog than a puppy for my next dog, and the time to raise a good dog from a puppy is a lot shorter than that to raise a good young adult from a baby!I hope any young(er) woman looking to have a baby with an older man is very clear that this baby is one she wants for herself as well as for the father. Actually, I hope that of any child-bearing couple — both parents want the child and have realistic expectations of what raising a child means.
>Well, I think there tends to be a bias-that it’s ok for older men to have more kids, but not older women. That I do have a problem with, personally. What’s good for the goose is good to the gander.I’m a middle of the road person- I cringe a little at people who have their kids in the first 20 years of their life, do the same if they chose to do it in their last 20. But that’s my personal bandwidth.
>As I read this, I’m watching ‘The Girls Next Door’ on the E! channel.I don’t know what Holly is thinking, wanting to have kids with Hef, who just turned 81.Actually, I do know what she’s thinking. She wants to secure herself a piece of his financial pie. I’m curious to see if that will actually happen. Ha. He does have 2 sons who aren’t even teenagers yet from his last marriage.My boyfriend’s dad is in his mid 60s (my boyfriend is 23– I’m 21) and my dad is 53, and I don’t really notice any difference in the way we were raised.I think late 40’s is fine to have a baby 🙂
>Hilarious. The Times reporting on issues such as this is so bogus.
>My husband is 18 years older than me and we just had our second child, his fifth. We’re 46 and 28. While he may not coach the girls’ softball teams he’s still a much better father than alot of my same-age friends husbands are. Most of them are still looking for the next ‘good time’ to along. Mine’s realized that most – if not all – of the good times are at home. As long as children can be supported emotionally and financially, I’m not sure how the father’s age should be an issue.