But I Will NEVER Wear a Hairshirt
Four years ago, when Punky was three months old, I joined a playgroup.
I was a brand new mom with zero mom friends to call my own, and I was so excited to meet women like me, with whom I could share the highs and lows of motherhood. Hubs and I were going to church every week and I actually had been praying, yes praying that I would find some new mom friends. That’s how lonely I was. Since the new playgroup was filled with other new moms in my church, I figured it was God’s answer to my prayers.
Well, let’s just say I was so. Very. Wrong.
That playgroup ended up being one of the worst social experiences of my life. Most of the women in it really weren’t nice to me at all, for reasons that mystify me to this day. For example, I invited all eight of the playgroup’s members to Punky’s first birthday party and only one showed up. None of the rest of them even RSVP’ed or mentioned it to me afterward.
I was hurt and bewildered by their rejection. I had never had trouble making friends. And so I decided I just needed to try harder a little harder to win these women over. With that in mind, when my playgroup decided to help a family in need that Christmas, I volunteered to find one through a local charity. Once I found the family, a single mom with three kids, I began calling each of our playgroup members to coordinate who would do what to help provide Christmas for them. Only one playgroup member contributed.(The same one who came to Punky’s first birthday party, actually.)
The rest of the playgroup members not only didn’t help, but they wouldn’t even return my calls or e-mails. Hubs and I ended up paying for almost all of this family’s Christmas ourselves, at a time when we we barely had enough money to cover our own family’s expenses. Beyond that, we had already provided Christmas for an elderly person, not realizing we’d be covering an entire family of four as well. (And as a sidenote, let me just say that a few days after that Christmas, an unexpected check came in the mail from a family member, which covered everything, including our family’s Christmas. And I totally considered that to be a MIRACLE.)
Maybe you’re wondering why on earth I kept going back, week after week, only to sit silently as my playgroup members sat around making plans with each other in front of me. Well, honestly, I had begun to believe that I was somehow so flawed as a mother that no matter what I did or how hard I tried, I was absolutely unlikeable. Still, I kept trying. I was just sure that eventually, these women would see that whatever opinions they had formed of me were wrong.
Of course, that totally didn’t happen. The playgroup disbanded and I ended up convincing the three nice women in the group to keep meeting once a week at my house. We added some new members and eventually ended up with a very enjoyable playgroup that continued for years. We still get together whenever we can.
But this being Nashville, I still see the women from my old playgroup around town quite often.
A few days ago, I ran into one of them at a children’s event. She seemed a little hesitant to chat, but eventually came over and said hello. We talked for a bit and then I asked her if she still planned on homeschooling her children.
“Why yes,” she said. “I do.”
I began asking her questions about her plans for her son, who also would be kindergarten age in the fall. Had she chosen a curriculum? Had she decided whether she’d register with her district or enroll her son in a private umbrella school? Did she know about the Middle Tennessee Home Education Association and all the laws regarding home school? Had she joined one of the local home school support groups?
No. No. No. No.
The woman was clueless. She didn’t even know what I was talking about. So I told her. Fifteen minutes later, she thanked me profusely.
“I had no idea about all this stuff,” she said. “I’m going home right now and getting on the Internet. Thank you so much for your help!”
I left feeling somehow better about that whole horrible playgroup experience. The conversation made me realize how far I’d come since that time, both as a mom and as a woman. I was confident. I was happy. I didn’t even care if the woman liked me or not, but as a fellow mom, I was happy to help her in any way I could.
And that’s when it occurred to me that the silly prayers I’d whispered four years ago had been answered, albeit in a very different way from what I had expected. Shortly after joining that playgroup, I began writing about my experiences as a mom, believing that I couldn’t be as alone in my thoughts and feelings as I felt among my new mom “friends.” I started a blog. I wrote about feeling like an outsider peering into a new world of mothers that had no intention of accepting me into the fold.
And, well, you know the rest.
I prayed for a few good mom friends. I ended up with thousands. Thanks to this blog, I could go to most cities in this country and meet a mom friend for coffee, someone who has read this blog and identifies with the things I’ve been feeling as a mother. I’ve gotten hundreds of e-mails from women here in town who’d love to get together and chat. I actually would never have dreamed I’d have so many friends.
“And I’m not even sure Suburban Turmoil would have happened if it hadn’t been for that horrible playgroup,” I told Hubs this morning, after telling him about running into one of the Mean Moms.
“I know,” he said. “If you’d had a cozy little group of supportive moms, who’s to say you’d ever have felt the need to write about your thoughts?”
So um, I guess it’s time to say thanks, God, for answering my prayer for mom friends. Really. You outdid Yourself.
>What a wonderful story, thanks for sharing it! God does move in some mysterious ways–I don’t think he caused those other moms to be mean to you, but it’s awesome to see how he used a bad situation to answer your (not at all silly)prayers. Count me among those who’d love to have a cup of coffee with you if you’re ever in Houston!
>My daughter is 10 now, but there are those kinds of moms at every age. I wish I’d had your blog to read when she was a baby!
>I really do appreciate it that you are appropriately open about your religious views and your faith. Thanks for sharing this lovely story.
>Yeah, that God – always doing the unexpected!Thanks for your transparency, Lindsay. And while I’m not a mom, I’ve been a regular reader for years – I’ll buy the coffee if you are ever back in the Milwaukee area!
>sniff, tear…I loved your story for several reasons but mostly because I had such a similar experience. That kind of exclusion is so painful BUT like you, I wouldn’t go back and change anything even if I could, because the reward that came out of it (self confidence and emotional freedom)is priceless to me! My mom always told me that God doesn’t always give you what you want – He gives you what you need and I believe that. Your life is full and rich in part because of that bad experience and I think that’s an amazing example of His plan for all of us! You are welcome to have coffee here in Chucktown anytime…
>Funny how I relate right now to the mom you were four years ago. Congratulations on the confident mom that you have become. It’s amazing how, in hindsight, we can usually see God’s plan in action.
>I had very similar experiences when I first tried to interact with other moms. You stuck with it, but imagine what it’s like for a woman with introversion tendencies from the beginning!There are a lot of mean moms out there—the challenge is to not let it get to you, and to keep up your own sense of self worth.
>Ha ha Stephanie, I wish I’D had my blog to read when my daughter was a baby! I would have felt so much better about so many things, had I known how things would turn out.A large part of why I write this blog is so that my children will have this to read when they’re parents. I think it will make us all even closer when they start going through some of the things I went through with them.Also, I didn’t mention it in the post, but I had gone through a good deal of stepmom “hazing” before I had children of my own, and I had been looking so forward to finally not feeling like the outsider in every group of moms I encountered. That’s part of why the playgroup experience was pretty much devastating to me at the time.
>What a great post, it actually brought tears to my eyes! This is my first year as an at home mommy, and a lot of the groups in town have been, well, exclusionary at best. This totally gives me hope! By the way, I love your writing! It brings me a smile almost every day!
>Thank you for your honesty- you have a friend in Nebraska too!
>Lindsey, by the time I found your blog, I was way past that miserable new parent stage, but I remember it will. I just want to say that you were the first blog I ever read, and I’m glad God worked things out the way he did because I have enjoyed the results so much.
>Aw, Lindsey, I know how you felt with that aweful playgroup. I had a second bday party for my little girl years ago and none of my friends showed, it ended up being just family, I was soo hurt..but thankfully she was just 2 and ANY party was fun.You are a great writer and a cool Mom. Remember that!
>What a story! I don’t understand why there are so many mom groups like that. When The Son was a wee one, I was lucky to find a great group of diverse women who enjoyed activities outside of the playgroup. We’re certainly not best friends now but we occasionally keep in touch and they were certainly supportive four years ago. I’m glad you were able to find what you were looking for. The blog world is fantastic, isn’t it. If you’re ever in need of a coffee date when visiting the “mid-atlantic” states, let me know, I love coffee and I’m very well known at our local Starbucks (well, my son is but you know…)
>I’ve been reading your blog for about a year now, and though I don’t have any kids yet I absolutely love reading about your moments with your children. It makes me want to have my own even more than I already do.If you’re ever in Louisville, KY and you want a cup o’ Joe, I’m buying =0)
>Awww. You guys are really the best.
>Love this. So true, and so well said. Totally called “unanswered prayers” by Garth Brooks to mind, though. Well, it IS Nashville… 😉
>Great Post. I had a very similar experiance. However, the moms were not mean at all. I just did not seem to fit in somehow. But now I have a group of moms that I love and we get together when we can. I have also found that as my boys change so do their friends and so do my mom friends. I have no idea where my children’s friends will lead us but I am sure there are still a few moms out there I am still meant to meet.
>I’m glad you are here and glad that we could be here for you, too!!
>One last thing…from all the posts I am reading pretty much every mom says “I felt the same way” is it resonable to think that all moms feel this way? Even those “mean” moms in your playgroup perhaps they all felt the same way. I have tried looking at like that. I think one of the hardest things to do is to join a group and for everyone to feel included even those who you might think are “included.” I am finding more and more one of the reasons that I am the “outsider” is becuase that is what I put out “I am the outsider” I am afraid that others gets this message from me. Sometimes I want to belong to the group and sometimes I don’t. Anyway, just a thought.
>Great post!!!
>Okay, you made me cry. Besides that, though, I’ve recently come to the same conclusion about my um…lack of success finding many like-minded people where I live. If I had too many people to talk to, then I wouldn’t write. I’ve always loved to write and writing is what I’ve begun to do. Yours is one of the blogs I recently found that inspired me to do just that. Our prayers are answered, just not in the exact way that we think we want them. I bet you didn’t even know that you helped to answer one of mine! So, rock on Suburban Turmoil Mom!!As a footnote, I should add that your blog name and the tag following it are absolutely bad-ass and I use it all the time to tell my friends about the kind of name that I wish I’d come up with!! The best I could do wasTracy’s TMI: Everything You Never Wanted to Know… (it’s not even close- do you have any suggestions???)
>Your post today has me wiping away tears for all the feelings that it stirred up inside me. I am a SAHM of a two year old and what you have written is what I’m going through right now. In my city SAHMs appear to be few and far between. I have been very lonely as a result. I have joined play groups and signed up for classes for my son in the hopes of meeting other moms. I also hoped I’d gather a few mom friends when I enrolled my son in nursery school two mornings a week. In all instances I have gone out of my way to be friendly and approachable but the other moms seem strained to even say “hi” to me, let alone start or continue a conversation. Then just the other day some moms started to make plans to get together right in front of me – just like you experienced. You’d think at 38 years old I’d be so over it, but it hurt. It still does.So thank you Lindsay for making me feel less alone and to have comfort in knowing good things can come out of what I’m currently experiencing.
>I totally hear you. I mean, I have a great group of friends, but sometimes it’s the folks who I have met through my site who help to get me through the day.
>I heard a woman say once that she prayed to God for ? and it never came and God didn’t answer her.” Her friend said, “He answered you, It’s just not the answer you wanted.”
>Yeah, great– already had a morning full of heart-in-throat/leaky-eyes moments, and you just got me a little emo again!You so accurately described a little of what I initially felt upon entering the blogging world. I didn’t have ‘mean blogger’ experiences, but for a woman who has always been able to insert herself into almost any social situation and feel comfortable, I seemed to have lost all of those mad skillz where promoting myself or meeting other bloggers was concerned… *cough*BlogHer*cough* I was uncharacteristically shy and hesitant, which is why you and BusyMom are now two of my favorite women in the bloggy world. It’s not just your writing that endears you to me, it is the warm welcome you two have extended and the fact that you have unselfishly encouraged and promoted me, when there was absolutely nothing in it for you.Embarrassingly enough, you two fall under the heading of “answered prayers” to me.
>That explains it! I had a great playgroup for a long time … until I realized it was one of the other moms who had driven me into therapy. Now I have a much nicer playgroup, with moms with similar interests, and I am more sane. Unexplicably, it was three years into this new playgroup that I decided to blog.
>Lindsay, what a great post. I've been reading your blog since you were Lucinda & Punky was Baby! I'm now a grandma – which I personally find quite hard to believe – so my 'kids' are long grown up. Reading your blog has helped me remember sooo much from when I was a SAHM with new twins & a 3 year old and had just moved to a new city. I was so isolated, and back then, no one talked about any of this stuff. No blogs, either. Thanks for doing what you're doing – you help more women than you know. The coffee's always on in Worcester, Mass!
>Three cheers for the mean moms! Without them, we wouldn’t have you.
>That was beautiful.
>What a great perspective you have. I remember that playgroup and trying so hard to fit in. I guess we never quite made it, did we? But I think we are better people because of it and this post proves it. We really need to meet up again soon.
>You know, I was just thinking about how God answers our prayers in his own time & way. I'm glad your prayers were answered! & that those experiences prompted you to start your blog!
>What a wonderful post! I also had a terrible experience shortly after having my first daughter and while I’m happy now, I don’t think I’m as fully recovered and confident as you are. I still see many of the women at church and some part of me still wonders what she thought was so detestable about me. I guess I’ll never know, but I am even more thankful for REAL friends, having experienced the fake kind first!
>Hey! I loved this too.The early days of being SAHM remind me of Freshman year of college.It was so easy to “make friends” with people who by your sophmore year you realize that you have nothing in common with. I can’t believe the behavior I put up with in my first playgroup, from one mother in particular..criticism of my parenting, housekeeping etc. I did make a few good friends in that group who I keep up with. Now that I enjoy a more eclectic set of mommy friends that are positive and support me I can’t believe I stuck in that group for so long. I’ve learned to detect and run from competitive, critical moms, adn I am much more confident.
>I feel like I know you! Regarding this:”Had she decided whether she’d register with her district or enroll her son in a private umbrella school?”Don’t register! (unless your state REQUIRES it) It just calls attention to you and you don’t have to do it. You get nothing out of it.
>Our state requires it, but there’s an umbrella private school many homeschoolers here in TN use instead, which charges $50 per year and makes me an official teacher.
>When my youngest son, Alex, was 4 1/2 months old, he and I spent 7 days in the hospital while he fought RSV (a respiratory infection). Those first few days home from the hospital were horrible, especially getting him to eat.It was on one of those days that I got my first “playgroup phone call.” When the Mom on the other end of the line heard my voice, and my baby’s cries, she put her own little kids in her van and drove to my house with a bag of bottles and nipples and formula. Within minutes she had put together the right bottle/nipple/formula combination and Alex ate nearly two ounces of formula. More than he had eaten in days.You see, that’s how the playgroupers do it. They wait till you are at your lowest low and your breast milk has dried up. And that’s when they pounce into your life with their fancy nipple collection. And you’ll begin to live for Thursdays. But beware. The next time the playgroup Mom calls she’ll be giving you the name of a good speech therapist for your 18 month old, because she seems a little slow, and it will feel kind of helpful and a bit judgmental. And so it goes until you can’t take anymore advice about thinking chairs or wooden spoons from her or her pediatrician. So when she calls again to tell you what she and the “other moms” have been discussing, you snap!But don’t snap, like I did. If you’re smart you’ll keep your head down and mouth shut and start attending the Weight Watchers meetings on Thursdays, instead. I hear those ladies are nice.
>As always, thank you for the excellent and entertaining writing. I had no idea there were a bunch of mean moms to thank for it!
>Why the other mothers didn’t like you: You’re beautiful, and you’re talented.(At least that’s what I told myself when I experienced similar rejection!)
>Cheers to this! 🙂 I do think people are always intimidated by confident people who differ from them… even if they’re nice about the differences.Don’t you wish you could gather up the readers of this blog and have a party? It’d rock 🙂
>I would SO be your friend- if you ever move to Chattanooga we should get together, cause you’ll find all those same bitchy weirdo moms here, too.
>Much of my blogging beginning was about how alone I felt during my daughter’s cancer diagnosis. I, much like you, would never have dreamed it would lead to the network of friends I have now. You nailed it that God often gives you what you need, perhaps just not in the form you expected. If you’re ever in Tampa, consider it DONE that you have mom to catch coffee with.