News Flash!
NEWLY FORMED PARENTAL COMMISSION ON ANNOYING TOYS ANNOUNCES FIRST ANNUAL LIST OF ‘TOYS THAT MUST BE DESTROYED’
Nashville, Tenn. (January 19, 2009) — The recently-formed Parental Commission on Annoying Toys (P-CAT) today has released its first annual list of Toys That Must Be Destroyed.
“Manufacturers are creating toys that pose a physical, emotional, and/or financial threat to parents,” Commission President Lindsay Ferrier said in a press conference on Monday. “We have commissioned this, uh, commission in order to call on toy companies to recall and destroy those toys that we find to be most detrimental to the health of some of this nation’s most valued citizens… its parents.”
The list, which is some 3,470 pages long, includes such popular toys as:
Barbie® & The Diamond Castle Princess Liana Doll. According to the report, “Once you’ve heard this doll sing, ‘I feel connected!’ for the 1,259th time, you will seriously want to connect a cast iron frying pan with Princess Liana’s head.”
Vtech Learn & Discover Driver. “Containing phrases like ‘Outta the way!’ and ‘Slow down, little fella!’ this toy promotes road rage and recklessness in toddlers,” explained commission member Mort Lipnicki during Monday’s press conference. “Why, just yesterday, my two-year-old son shouted, ‘Learn to fucking drive!’ from his carseat. I’m 90% sure he got it from his Vtech Learn & Discover Driver.”
LEGO Indiana Jones Temple Escape.“Retailing at $85, this LEGO kit meant my family had to go without dinner for six straight nights in order to provide Junior with his ‘dream toy,'” reported Commission member Honey Mishkewicz. “I have since had two different surgeries to remove LEGOs that have become embedded in my feet as I attempted to walk across my son’s room.”
The Disney Princess Favorite Moments Fashion Bundle. According to the P-CAT report, “This Disney set and others like it contains all these little tiny shoes that will immediately be lost forever to the family dog, the household vacuum or your toddler’s digestive system.”
Simba Electric Keyboard. A staple gift item purchased by hundreds of thousands of grandparents nationwide, the Simba Electric Keyboard currently is under investigation for leading to the nervous breakdowns of mothers in Peoria, Illinois, Dallas, Texas, and Nashville, Tennessee. What sets this keyboard apart from its less budget-friendly counterparts is that it has no volume control. “And let me tell you,” commission member Mimi Gruder said, “This one goes to eleven and stays there. No matter how many times you bang it against the wall.”
For more information or to report a toy that you believe to be in violation of all standards of human decency, go to the Parental Commission on Annoying Toys website at www.suburbanturmoil.com.
>You know, some of these can be used for revenge, say like gifting a child (who’s been dropped on your doorstep, while sick, more than once) with one of these. I’m sure mommy would appreciate the “gesture” =0P
>I love your blog first of all, my mother got me hooked on it. As for one annoying ass toy try the VTECH Learn To Count Clock, you can NOT. SHUT. IT. UP. and they clock randomly goes off at weird times during the day, like it has a life of it’s own. To top it all of at exactly 8 in the morning the stupid little bird tells my 2 year old that it is time to get up forget about sleeping in. Damn VTECH and there stupid educational toys.
>That Barbie…you don’t even understand. My oldest god-daughter brings it EVERYWHERE..seriously. And that song. Is. Insane.
>what about that popcorn popper push thing that EVERYONE thinks a toddler should have? went streight fromthe bday party to my trunk..and I think when I sold the car, went with it!
>What I don’t understand is why that Barbie had to be programmed so LOUD. Seriously, if you hold it up to your ear while it’s playing, I’m pretty sure it could do some serious damage.
>OMG my girls sing that same line from Barbie and the Diamond Castle ALL THE TIME. Thank God we don’t have the doll..yet. We just got the pooping Tanner dog, though, if you want to borrow it! 😉
>p.s. don’t ever get any talking Dora dolls…ever…she starts to look and sound like a demented Latina Chucky after a while
>We still have the “$100 ER copay for nasal extraction” Polly Pocket shoe wrapped in its gauze, waiting for the first date. Oh yeah, that puppy will be used for all kinds of leverage in the teenage years. “Really? You want to go out with Biker Boy? Well, lets just see how he likes this charming story from your childhood….with accompanying visual effects!”Seriously, Polly Pocket is evil. The little girls lust for these things long before they possess the manual dexterity to actually put the clothes on the dolls. I’ve broken a sweat before trying to put the effing dress with the matching stole/jacket piece of crap on Cinderella. Haaate them!
>Is it possible to put my DAUGHTER in this category once she has learned to mimic the “I FEEL CONNECTED, PROTECTED….IT’S LIKE YOU”RE STANDING RIGHT WITH ME ALL THE TIME.” over and over and over again? Is it possible for children to be detrimental to my mental health?
>The “Little Mommy Gotta Go” doll has even driven my 3 year old daughter over the edge with her never-ending demands. Overheard just yesterday after about 20 minutes of playing with her doll:Gotta Go: Mommy, can I have some water?3 year old DD: I told you, No! (additional yammering from doll)Gotta Go: Mommy, I love you.3 year old DD: Oh just be quiet and GO TO SLEEP!
>Oh that is awesome! I love listening to the things my daughter says when she’s playing with her dolls. Right now, it’s all about the Peekaboo Princesses.
>We have the V-Tech and I know most of my headaches come from that thing. And, of course that is the toy that both of my sons love to play with on a regular basis. *sigh*
>My son has that V-Tech driver thing and I think you can add demonic to it’s list of problems. It goes off when you least expect it!
>Here’s my recommendation of a toy that must be destroyed. Barbie Mariposa with gigantic wings that slap you in the face after you’ve pinched the crap out of your fingers trying to get them in place. I hate that toy.
>ok berger meisters – any toy that makes noise can be annoying and even toys not designed to make noise are often reengineered by the little ones to reach new heights of annoyance. My 5 year old son recently decided to take a battery powered loop of a Hotwheel track and have the car just make a one second loop. It’s sooooo loud, but I just have him take it to another room if he insists on playing with it that way. If the toy has no shut off – remove the batteries if you must.
>My daughter got an Amazing Allison doll for Christmas a couple of years back. That beeyatch was put on a slow boat back to WalMart after one day of her constant chatter, sass and bossy attitude. I have enough people flipping me lip in my house and I sure am not going to take it from a DOLL! Allison was replaced with Sarah, the kind and SILENT American Girl.
>OK, I sent the VTech toy to you as the worst in our house and I CRACKED UP at your description. Yes, that’s about right there. It’s bad enough that my daughter can be heard in the backseat going, “GET IN YOUR FREAKIN LANE, LADY!” This toy is NOT going to help.Thanks grandmom. Thanks a lot.
>Yes, Jen, I couldn’t believe I had forgotten about that damned Vtech steering wheel. Also? It’s totally sexist. My daughter plays with it as often as my son and I’m quite sure she doesn’t appreciate being referred to as “Little Fella.”
>Hahaha. I LOVE how my hometown (Peoria, Ill.) in the middle of cornfields and flat land (not really, but that’s how it is perceived) made it into your post, Lindsay. Hilarious!
>That’s my JAM!I feel connected, protected, it’s like you’re sitting right with me all the time.You hear me, you’re near me,And everything else’s gonna be alright.‘Cause nothin’ can break this, nothin’ can break this, nothin’ can break this time.Connected…connected inside.
>ps We have the soundtrack. Pray for me.
>My 6yo got the Barbie Princess thing for Christmas- but ours must have already been parent proofed because the singing feature doesn’t work (yeah!)
>Oh- she also got the Barbie Mariposa and I too, pinched the crap outta my fingers trying to get the stupid wings on, that then, don’t stay on- and all they do is unfold and then fall off- AAAHHH!
>And don’t forget “Lite Bright” which comes with the sticky jingle “you can do it at night.”Just singing those words would send my kid’s teacher into meltdown (he used the word “sex” the other day and she nearly passed out . . . but that’s a whole nother story).
>Mwhahahahaha *evil laugh combined with appropo organ music*…this is the great thing about being an uncle. I can get toys like these for the young ‘uns, and then get hate emails from my siblings for the next how-ever-long-it-takes for the toy to “defect”, so to speak ;)My bad. Yawp. My is definitely bad…
>Oh that Vtech steering wheel. It’s not allowed at my house. It has to stay at Grandma’ and Grandpa’s, since they have also offered to buy his first car. I also support “Toy Jail,” aka our hall closet, where “toys that cause anger” go for punishment. It made the toddler cry? JAIL. It made Mommy drink? JAIL. Sentences vary based on crime.
>We have two of the toys on that list, and I concur with the recommendations.
>Does anyone have that creepy VTech phone that rings and then shouts, “IT’S FOR YOU!” I swear, sometimes I walk by it and the vibrations of the floor boards set it off. For no reason. In the middle of the night.
>I’ll second the idea that Polly Pocket sucks.When my youngest was a baby, my oldest had some strange fascination with examining poopy diapers. One day baby was getting changed, and oldest exclaimed, “Ewww….what is THAT?” And there right in the middle of the, um, specimen was a Polly Pocket bikini bottom. Baby is now four and loves those damn dolls as much as sister did. And I still take a great delight in sucking up the shoes in the vacuum.
>I’ll add stuffed animals to the list. They reproduce in the night, and you can’t ever get rid of one because each has some story of emotional attachment.”But, I got that at DISNEY!!””NO! Grandpa gave me THAT!””I LOVE that one the MOST!”Ugh.
>”This Disney set and others like it contains all these little tiny shoes that will immediately be lost forever to the family dog, the household vacuum or your toddler’s digestive system.”You’ve only forgotten the bathroom drain, where most of Aurora and Cinderella’s shoes have gone from my niece’s sets.Anyone else remember the old Polly Pockets? Where the actual playset fit in your pocket?@Anon (1:17)…sure, pull the batteries batteries, I agree…however, my brother and I both had toys growing up which came from Satan…neither actually seemed to require batteries to run. Mine was an awesome Sesame Street keyboard which played a full octave of notes in different instruments perpetuated by the lovable faces of Ernie, Cookie Monster, and Big Bird…but mine turned off after not being played with and it was only 17 years later upon pawning it off on my aunt’s daughter did we learn the thing never had batteries installed as it “required.” My brother’s toy, however, was from the very bowels of hell. It was a train which would be set off at random (we guessed most often by the TV remote) which did. not. stop….even after the batteries were removed. We gave that one to my aunt’s son after about it spent about 10 years wrapped up in a blanket in our attic…and it still seemed to not require batteries.@Skunkfeathers…Amen. :-D…and, for the count, you can also add the die cast Thomas the Tank Engine toys and Hot Wheels (much hardier than Matchbox) to the list of things which will wreak havoc on your feet. Worst on my list was my brother’s odd toilet car Hot Wheels and this garbage truck…both of which he insisted on leaving out in the pathway, even when all other toys were cleared.Sorry for the long rant!
>About 9 years ago, there was a monstrosity known as “Wuv Luv”, it was an amalgamation of a Furbie and Grimace and it gave birth to a babie Wuv Luv in an egg. She HAD to have it- Santa brought it (CURSE YOU SANTA)- it would wake up and talk randomly in the middle of the night and scare the crap out of me- Wuv Luv was deported to Goodwill by summer time!
>ROFL! My Son received the v’tech driver toy for Christmas from my Husband’s SIL. After hearing this toy for the 1000th time; I was longing for the year she gave us kleenex!Danielle
>Oh, but what about RECORDERS!? They are loud, screechy, and CAN NOT BE TURNED OFF! There’s not even the chance to take out the batteries and lie that there are no more in the house!
>This really made me laugh, I was just commenting to my Husband that it is funny that our 3 yr old knows all the words to the ‘I Feel Connected’ song but is yet to throughly master the Abc song….
>OHHHHH, how could I have left out the RECORDER?! BWAAAAAAHHHHHH.
>Here’s the thing…I do not have one of those toys thank God! I have an over active imagination. I swore if I ever had girls that they would never ever be allowed to have dolls as I am freaked out by them. Saw a movie once about them and have been ruined for life. I cannot tolerate dolls at all. I have boys. Amen! However, there are just as creppy toys for boys. I have a rule if it scares mommy we cannot have it! And since anything that talks or vibrates or even looks like it could grab my leg in the middle of the night is not allowed. I am lucky because both boys would rather play with balls, sticks or cars! Whew!
>You’ve got it all wrong about the keyboard!! Keyboards and digital pianos are 2 of the very best instruments for to encourage b/c they have essential components:1. a volume control!!2. a jack for a headset!!! Get a big giant headset from a discount store and tell your little musician that it’s what all the great musicians use!! He;ll get a huge kick out of it and you’ll get QUIET!!!I have older kids now, been there, done that! I’ll never forget the talking Barnie that our son wouldn’t sleep without. If there’s anything worse than hearing that $%@! Barney sing AGAIN, it’s the terror that it’ll wake your sleeping kid! xoxo
>You have no idea how marvelous it felt the day my daughter decided to give up her Princess set like the one you mentioned. My secret?I REF– USE to dress the dolls for her. They were her problem right from the start. She quickly lost interest.
>Wow I’m glad you didn’t mention any of the plush toys I’ve developed. I can keep my job!
>How about the VTech fire house. When you child finally stops playing with it will start talking and ringing bells to get them hooked again.Nice. (lanaclevermomme on twitter)
>Barbie and Princess Set. Both are in my home but the Princess Set is the WORST. I hate finding those little shoes everywhere. lol