>Confessions of a Swag Hag
>Now that I’ve returned from the BlogHer conference, I can immediately think of a few words to describe my weekend….
Whirlwind.
Tumult.
Squeeeee-age.
Yes, while it was mildly entertaining to catch up with my online friends and make some new ones, and while the panel discussions were sort of a little bit okay, it was immediately apparent that the real point of BlogHer was the free stuff. And I’m sick to death of people complaining about those of us who made out like bandits. I worked hard for my swag, okay? I freaking deserved it.
For one thing, I put a lot of effort into getting to the swag parties early. I wasn’t always on the guest list, but you’d better believe I said whatever I had to in order to get in the door and once I did, I ran for those swag bags as fast as my stilettos could carry me. I didn’t want to hurt anybody, but when a few lazy betches got in my way with their ridiculous conversations, they totes got kicked to the curb.
Once I arrived at the finish line swag table, my recent 30-day Shred really set me apart from my competition. Thanks to all the rowing reps I had done, I was able to grab and pull more effectively than any other woman in the room. I couldn’t help but think that Jillian would have been really proud of me. And I always tried to get at least two or three bags, number one because I have more than one kid and I didn’t want them fighting over the Gerber teddy bears, and number two, hello, I have an Ebay seller’s account to maintain.
There was one party where they insisted that I have an RSVP bracelet on in order to get my swag bag, but I totally grabbed one when no one was looking! I saw a few ladies complaining about me later, but all I know is that I now have a new video camera and they don’t.
Some women insisted on bringing their babies to the swag fests, which was ridiculous because the parties clearly were not baby-friendly events. One woman in particular who was wearing a baby on her back (Yes! Her BACK!) had the nerve to get in my way at the very moment that I was reaching for a bag that was chock full of free goodies. It’s not like I was aiming my elbow at her kid’s face or anything, but yeah. There may have been a connection. Seriously, though, she should have known better to bring her baby to a cocktail party, particularly at BlogHer. I would argue that she simply paid the price for her own bad decisions.
Of course, I didn’t limit my excess swaggage to the parties. I hit the Expo hall a good thirty times, loading up on laundry detergent samples, ballpoint pens, and notepads. It was quite a haul. Even down there, though, there were whiners. Some woman was complaining that she got bruises on her arm from all of us who were trying to get to the free stuff, but the thing is, there’s no excuse for just standing there chatting with product reps when everyone else is clearly trying to get to the samples. I don’t mean to be harsh, but in my opinion? She got what she deserved.
Now there’s all this wah wah from women who didn’t come home with fancy bottles of wine, expensive toys, stationery, and Gap jeans. Get over it girls. You snooze, you lose. I’m definitely going back for more in 2010. If you’re there, girlfriend, we should hook up!
You’ll know me by my Kevlar vest.
