>Dads. Who Needs ‘Em?
>If you’ve been reading blogs for any length of time, you know by now about the legions of mommies online, not to mention the thousands of women wanting to adopt, the ones desperately trying to conceive, and those coming to terms with infertility. The Internet has helped each of these groups to connect and find support, friendship and advice, and in the process, we’ve all been exposed to their stories and their perspective.
I’ve been reading blogs now for three years and I thought I knew about the existence of pretty much all the major women’s factions out there. So imagine how surprised I was to learn that there’s another group I knew nothing about, a group that’s tens of thousands of women strong.
They’re known as ‘single mothers by choice,’ women who’ve typically reached their mid-30s without finding a partner, and have decided that they want to have kids anyway, generally through artificial insemination. I wrote about this group, including a single mom by choice here in Nashville, in my latest Suburban Turmoil newspaper column. I hope you’ll read it for a bit of satrical context, then come back to read the rest of this post.
Done? Okay. Let’s continue.
I really liked the mom I interviewed here in Nashville, and I hope to hang out with her again. She was quite upbeat about being a single mom and said it wasn’t all that difficult, despite the fact that her extended family lives quite far away and her support network consists entirely of friends and hired help. She was used to being single, she said; the only thing that had changed was that she now has a baby living with her.
Louise Sloan, author of the book, Knock Yourself Up (which is a fabulous and engaging read, by the way, whether or not you’re a single mom), experienced the same kinds of responses from the single moms by choice she interviewed for her book.
“The moms I interviewed were all so insanely upbeat about their experience, in this eerie ‘Stepford Wife’ kind of way,” she wrote me in an e-mail, “like, ‘Sure I spent 6 months in the hospital alone and afraid I’d die, but being a single mom is great!’ Getting negative stories was like pulling teeth.
“But I think that’s because these women knew, in large part, what they were getting into, and because they’re so incredibly grateful that they got to have a child. I suspect that sometimes things that might seem hard to a married mom don’t seem as hard to a single mom by choice because of the immense power of that gratitude- something that university-based happiness researchers have recently identified as having a powerful effect on our emotions.”
Interesting theory. And I’m glad, genuinely glad, that it seems to be going so well for all of them.
Yet despite my tongue-in-cheek assessment that this whole artificial insemination deal is just another example of how men are becoming obsolete, I can’t get past what I see here in my own household- that dads do, indeed, play a huge role in a child’s upbringing, physically, psychologically, and emotionally, and that their absence is something to be avoided if at all possible. (In fairness, most single moms by choice say they hope to find a father for their children in the future- but time was running out and they couldn’t wait on a man to make the baby.)
What gave me the most pause about artificial insemination, though, was this opinion piece written in the Washington Post a few years ago by a woman named Katrina Clark, who was the product of a single mom by choice and a sperm donor. Here’s a portion of what she wrote:
I was angry at the idea that where donor conception is concerned, everyone focuses on the “parents” — the adults who can make choices about their own lives. The recipient gets sympathy for wanting to have a child. The donor gets a guarantee of anonymity and absolution from any responsibility for the offspring of his “donation.” As long as these adults are happy, then donor conception is a success, right?
Not so. The children born of these transactions are people, too. Those of us in the first documented generation of donor babies — conceived in the late 1980s and early ’90s, when sperm banks became more common and donor insemination began to flourish — are coming of age, and we have something to say.
I’m here to tell you that emotionally, many of us are not keeping up. We didn’t ask to be born into this situation, with its limitations and confusion. It’s hypocritical of parents and medical professionals to assume that biological roots won’t matter to the “products” of the cryobanks’ service, when the longing for a biological relationship is what brings customers to the banks in the first place.
We offspring are recognizing the right that was stripped from us at birth — the right to know who both our parents are.
And we’re ready to reclaim it.
Wow.
I wrote to Katrina, asking her for comment for my column- she didn’t respond. But I’d love to know what advice she has for single moms by choice. My new friend Sandy has addressed some of Katrina’s concerns by using a “known donor”- This means that Sandy’s daughter can learn the identity of her father when she turns 18 if she chooses. Sandy may also choose to enter her daughter into a donor sibling registry, so that she can connect with other half-siblings conceived from her father’s sperm.
Keeping all of these things in mind, what do you think of single moms by choice, specifically those who choose artificial insemination? Good idea? Bad idea? And what about the rights of the child to have a father? That seriously was something I’d never considered until I read Katrina Clark’s piece.
Tell me what you think.
>IMO this is a bad idea. Why can’t these women adopt? Artificial insemination seems selfish.
>I am sure I will be attacked for either having a pro or con opinion. So I will post anonymously. I think single mom by choice is a sad commentary on the breakdown of the family in this country. I understand if there is a divorce, death, or the man is just a scumbag and runs off. But to willingly have a fatherless child is just sad. Sure grandfathers, uncles and male friends can fill a void but the love of a father is priceless and shouldn’t be cast aside just because someone wants a baby.
>I’m going to skip over Katrina Clark’s perspective. While viable, there are many, many women who conceive and raise children without knowing who the biological father is or without having an active father in the picture. Do those children have less a right to a father than Katrina? No.That said, there are ONLY three things that concern me about artificial insemination of any form. First of all, what about siblings? (Unwitting incest has long been a possibility, but artificial insemination only increases the odds.) Second of all, what about medical records? More than Katrina has a right to a father, she has a right to know about her father’s family and their medical history. Because that could affect her in a very personal way. Although, obviously, this is only a factor with the anonymous. And third of all, so you want to be a parent? Lucky you; there are thousands of children in this world who are looking for a parent. Why be selfish when you can help your community and help a child who is already out there looking for a home?
>A slippery slope. No comment. 🙂
>I complain about my husband’s lack of help and texts from work that he sends me as “encouragment”…but…without him, I couldn’t DO this! Seeing my children climbing all over that manly-man all wanting to be the one that makes him laugh…well without that at the end of the day, it just wouldn’t be as sweet!
>I took a lot of family dynamics classes in college and studies show how important a father figure really is in the life of a child. I’m not saying that to step on toes, but truth is truth. And I know, before anyone tells me, no father is better than one that beats his wife and children…I KNOW. I am not in the shoes of a woman desperately wanting a child and not having a husband to have a baby with. I can understand why they would want to do everything in their power to acheive that. I do know how it feels to want a child badly, I’m just married.It’s easy to say it’s not fair for the child, but what do married parents do that isn’t fair to a child? We aren’t perfect. We all try to do the best we can for our children and hope for the best. I’m sure that’s all those single-mothers-by-choice are trying to do to. At least these children are growing up in a home where the mother really wanted them and are loved.
>I’m of two minds.Before I met my husband, I pretty much had planned to do just that if I hadn’t met Mr. Right by then. I’m a smart woman who would be a good mom, and as the product of a single parent household (my dad being a flaming asshole) I didn’t really have an issue with.Besides, I rationalized, considering 1/2 of all marriages split up and that many divorced dads I knew (through my friends, and through the lives of my students most of whose parents weren’t togetehr) were absent, so what was the big deal???As the child of a single mom, I know it can be hard. It’s one of the reason I was so focused on getting a college degree and the means to support myself far better than my mom could on her high school diploma. If I were ever in a situation where I was responsible for a child, I was damned sure I would be able to take financial care of him or her.HOWEVERAs a married woman who is days away from giving birth after the pregnancy from hell (Type 2 diabetic diagnosis in week 4, hyperemesis–aka puking for 40 fucking weeks, and recently a pre-e scare) I don’t know how I could have gotten through this without my husband. He’s held my hair while I puked, procured me food to get my blood sugar back up when I crashed, held me when I cried, and picks up the remote when I drop it on the floor and then can’t quite figure out how the hell I’m going to reach it around my belly and aching pelvis.I find myself cringing as I type this, but a second parent figure IS important. I cringe because I feel like I’m rejecting the job my mom did as not good enough.HOWEVER…I REF– USE TO — USE THE WORD “DAD” THOUGH–HETERO FAMILIES ARE NOT THE ONLY FAMILIES. So I’ll use the term partner/support network…I think kids benefit from multiple adults…whether it’s partners, or extended family. A single mom on her own is always short on time for the kid and for herself. Sharing the burden (and joy) of a child is important. I know plenty of gay parents who are doing a way better job of raising a child than some hetero nuclear families. I also know plenty of families where it’s not the bio parents (aunts/grandparents whatever) in the same situation. I see plenty of failing nuclear families every day.As to the whole “DAD” thing…I felt rejected because my dad chose to not be involved. Not because I didn’t have a “male” figure (I did–my grandfather kicks ass) but because someone chose to walk away from me and that was inconcievable to me. It bothers me that what you’re setting up is a straight narrow definition of what makes a family.IN THE ENDI do think that doing something with a “known” donor is probably preferable, but I won’t go so far as to ever condemn or badmouth a woman who chooses to get pregnant.God knows using donor sperm is WAY safer than just going out and having sex until you get knocked up (or an STD).As for the whole adoption thing–anoyone who says that does not realize1-How expensive adoption is2-How difficult it can be as a single woman to adopt a child3-How few healthy babies are available4-How many years the process takes5-How invasive the process isI can’t blame women for not wanting to go that route. I don’t know that I would want to, unless I couldn’t have a chilbiologically although it could be argued that my husband and I certainly could afford the expense.Personally, I’m just happy I don’t have to make that choice anymore and that my daughter will be welcomed by two adults who love her. That we’re a married couple consisting of a man and a woman (I’m not willing to call either of us straight)isn’t the point so much as is the fact that there is a support network for me and for the the child other than just ME.
>There are certainly far less thoughtful ways to become a parent. At least we are talking about someone who purposefully enters into the decision and does not make a baby in, say, a drunken act of promiscuity. And yet, children born of drunken acts of promiscuity can turn out to be terrific people just as well as children of seemingly model traditional families can turn out to be disasters as adults.Far be it from me to judge – who am I to say whether it’s good or bad and why am I being asked? – but let’s face the fact that, for better or worse, this is a legitimate choice in our society. It will evolve as more donor bank babies enter adulthood and contribute to and round out the greater perspective. Looking at it from a broader viewpoint, I see that this is an example of the dilemma with new science and the shifting of social mores. They challenge traditional views of family and society, and create rifts in the fabric of community. Is it progress or regress? What are the rights of the individual? Just because a woman does not find a suitable husband or partner within a suitable amount of time, should she be relegated to childlessness? And, just because she enters into motherhood with out a father for her child doesn’t mean it will always be that way. Mr. Right may be coming along, he’s just not coming along right now. If not, a wise mother will include the influence of good male role models in her child’s life just as other single mothers do. And what about the lesbian perspective? If two women who have made a life commitment to each other raise a child together, there is no father figure in that picture, either. As for Ms. Clark’s perspective, there are a lot of people who were born into situations with limitations and confusions that they did not ask to be born into. Our parents make decisions and we are left to deal with them as adults, and must find our way to come to turns with them. This is a huge part of most people’s life. It manifests itself in many different ways. I do agree that medical information about an anonymous donor should be provided to the mother and be continuously accessible to the mother, and subsequently to the child well into adulthood. This is just responsible reproduction, and if institutionally assisted reproduction should be anything, it should be responsible.
>I do agree that the child deserves to know who the father is because they could have siblings out there and they have a right to know them…especially with dating and so forth. And the first anonymous who said artificial insemination is selfish…did you adopt? Do you have children you conceived yourself? Because, aren’t we all selfish if we don’t adopt? It’s a biological need for women to have babies, most women. It’s what God made us to be.
>This is just my opinion, but I’m sure the women that go into this kind of situation aren’t going into it lightly. Most insurance companies won’t pay for this, so it obviously takes a lot of money for the mothers to even be able to do this. These are, for the most part, probably very successful, intelligent women who just long to be mothers. And I don’t know this for sure, but surely, just like with adoption, there is pre-counseling that is required before the process. I don’t believe we should assume that these women are selfish. Yes, there are children out there for adoption, but a lot of them are older and/or have special needs. Being the mom of a child with mild delays, I know how hard it is for my family to deal with and I can’t imagine dealing with much worse. Plus, in some foreign adoption dealings, other countries won’t even accept an application from a single person. So adoption isn’t always the answer.I’m not downplaying dads at all, because I am lucky to have a wonderful husband to be a great father to our three sons and a partner with me, but I also know the incredible feeling of being pregnant and having a newborn baby, with all of their coos and smells and firsts…who are we to judge women who want to experience this too but just haven’t found a man they feel worthy enough to be the full-time father of their baby? In any number of situations, there are factors that may require special attention is paid to the child to ensure they know they are loved and wanted. Without being in their place, possibly nearing an age where pregnancy begins to get risky for the baby if they wait around for Mr. Right, I can’t say that I blame them for getting pregnant by any means.
>First I want to say that the comment that married moms take it for granted and single moms love it what a load, it took me forever and I mean forever to have a baby I am married and I love it! Plenty of married moms had to work at having a baby too. I just read about a study that showed the opposite sex parent is the most influentual person in a childs life, interesting. I know some moms becomes single mom not by choice but by cicumstance that you can’t help but the ones who set out to do that with no father I do believe is selfish. They are fullfilling thier needs not a childs need.
>You know, personally, I don’t have a problem with it. My single mom friend, “Sandy,” will make a great mom, I’m sure. And she will be, as she says, 100% devoted to her daughter, as opposed to balancing her attention between other family members.But hypothetically, I can understand how the children of anonymous sperm donors might be angry (children of known donors are less troubling to me because they can find their biological father when they’re old enough to make a good decision). Their mother wasn’t made single by an asshole and she didn’t accidentally get pregnant and decide to go through with having the baby. Instead, she PLANNED the birth, knowing that she was creating a child who would never know who his or her father was. Hypothetically, I can see how that might be an issue for the child. But if I knew someone who did that, it certainly wouldn’t affect my opinion of her or her parenting abilities. Most of us are just trying to do the best we can, you know?As for hetero couples defining a family, again, personally, I don’t think that’s GOT to be the way things are. Having met Polly Pagenhart, for example (lesbiandad.net), I think any child would be so incredibly lucky to have her for a parent. I think non-traditional families can definitely work. I think a dad figure is important, or a male role model, I guess, because I think a child deserves to have close access to both male and female perspectives. I can’t even begin to think of how that would work (or does work) in a lesbian couple. It would be an interesting question to ask for another column, perhaps.
>No one can guarantee that they will raise their child in ideal circumstances. Parents divorce, they die, jobs are lost, people suffer from mental illness. I wouldn’t want someone else to decide whether or not I (or my husband) was worthy of being a parent. And those of you who suggest adopting – who needs a two-parent family more? A healthy infant, or a troubled child with fetal alcohol syndrome and a history of aggression? Because the kids lined up waiting for adoption mostly have some serious issues.
>I know I would have wanted children, whether or not I found my husband, but I’m sure I would have adopted. Frankly, sometimes I feel a little guilty for not adopting anyway. So many children need good homes.
>I just skimmed the comments and there is a lot of good back and forth it seems. As to the first poster (Anonymous)– I am pretty sure that it is really really hard to adopt a child as a single person. I know it isn’t impossible, but very difficult (and also, I think that adoption can be in the tens of thousands… much more expensive than sperm donor). That being said… I think there ARE good arguments on both sides. On one hand, children are born into a thousand bad situations. Uncaring, unwilling, unready parents. Divorce. Abuse. Etc. Not that we should be complacent in those situations– but even on a smaller scale the home is never going to be perfect. Sure, this leads to one set of problems, but maybe it is avoiding another set. On the other hand, there is some validity to the adoption argument and the not bringing MORE children into the earth without even the possibility of meeting both parents. I think that is what separates this from all else– from birth the HOPE of meeting or learning about your father is taken away.. and that is sad. In the end, I think it comes down to the fact that the technology exists and it is a tricky moral issue that should not be decided by the government. It should be left to the consciences of those women who choose to do it(or not).
>Damn. I would be so screwed if I didn’t have my husband around. I mean hell, half the time I have a bad attitude and I HAVE help. I can’t imagine being a single mom and nor do I ever want to.That said, my initial reaction about this was that it is selfish to bring a child into a ‘dadless’ family. However, if these women want to take it on – and I truly believe any woman who wants to have a child should be able to – cheers to them! Obviously they are strong if they are willing to venture into that journey alone.
>Damn. I would be so screwed if I didn’t have my husband around. I mean hell, half the time I have a bad attitude and I HAVE help. I can’t imagine being a single mom and nor do I ever want to.That said, my initial reaction about this was that it is selfish to bring a child into a ‘dadless’ family. However, if these women want to take it on – and I truly believe any woman who wants to have a child should be able to – cheers to them! Obviously they are strong if they are willing to venture into that journey alone.
>My friend Courtney Sheinmel just had her first novel published (young adult genre)by Simon & Shuster and it addresses this very subject. The title is My So Called Family and it is a wonderful read. The style is remniscent of the Judy Blume books of my teen years, but the topics are current. No easy answers on this one.
>Thank for bringing the Washington Post article to my attention.I think artificial insemination should be a choice offered to women. Now that we have the feedback and experiences from the children of early artificial insemination, its a choice that should be handled with a lot of consideration.
>what would happen if a man decided he wanted to be a single dad?
>I’m just so incredibly thankful I didn’t have to make this difficult decision, whether or not to have children on my own… because I honestly don’t know what I would have done. Wanting children is such a strong desire in so many people, men and women alike. And I will never be the one to tell someone they shouldn’t have them just because they haven’t found the ideal partner to have them with.
>Word, C!I won’t weigh in on the good idea/bad idea spectrum, since I consider it to not really be my business. (Gun-shy from people having butted in to tell me that my domestic-adoption plans are foolish; there’s really no way to win when the topic goes to how people ‘should’ build a family.)The things that I’m glad to see, however, are more pieces of information about how some kids feel when they grow up – for the women and men who choose single parenthood by choice, having information about what your kids might experience as adults is invaluable. It’s such a new phenmenon, though, that I’m wary of extrapolating from old data. Info on a lack of male role models often comes from families where a bio-dad skipped out, as opposed to stable lesbian families, single moms by choice or other situations. The challenges faced by one group are far from universal.
>Lindsey- where do you come up with these topics? You are a brave soul and my favorite “can O’worms” opener!
>Rockboy was fatherless, but it was not by my choice – it was by his father’s – when Rockboy was 10. We went through the roughest part of his growing up (the dreaded teens) minus a male influence. And it was one of the HARDEST things either one of us will ever have to do.Why? Because it’s hard being the kid without a dad at the father/son picnic and getting “assigned” to another father/son pair like a fifth wheel for a couple of years before just deciding to stay home instead.Because it’s hard learning “man stuff” like how to change oil, adjust a carburator, shave your face, etc. from a mom that doesn’t know a whole lot about it either.Because it’s hard having to watch him go through all of this, on his own, and knowing there is not a damn thing you can do about it.Would I have another child, without a father, on purpose?Not ever. Because that would truly be the most selfish thing I ever did.
>I support a woman’s right to choose what they want to do with their lives. I myself, have tried it alone and with my husband and let me tell you, having an active participant is waaaaaay better.
>As a childless bachelor (don’t wait on my account, ladies), here’s my opinion: if the test tube option works for an individual and that’s the way they want to go, who’s to say them nay? Live one’s own life, and let others live theirs. If a woman decides to have a child in her prime, without waiting for the “man of her dreams” (not all of us guys fit that bill, I’m not afraid to say), that’s her decision, and more power to her. I have friends who tell me it isn’t an easy road — single parentdom — but their children are no less loved or supported.Just for the record (saying where I sit and stand): I am one of five who grew up in a two parent, then one parent environment. Whatever scars I might have (or am purported to have by so-called “experts”), I still managed to grow up to take responsibility for my own actions and not let the past be an excuse for any life disappointments or shortcomings. Not all untoward circumstances early in a life must dictate generations of absymal failure; that’s a personal choice made by the individual, period.As always, Lindsay, interesting topic!
>Adoptive single mom here. . .and just let me say that the responses here are so thoughtful even when they’re negative, and not the usual attack-dog stuff. However, single moms of kids adopted internationally also have the dilemma of cutting their child off from their biological and cultural heritage. There is zero chance that my daughter, adopted from China, will ever get to meet her parents. I often wonder why critics of artificial insemination don’t go after that too (well, some of them do). The poster who said adoption is tough was correct. It is costly and incredibly invasive, though in a different way from AS, but the right choice for some.
>I think that no one asks to be born into the situation they are given. Some don’t ask to be born to parents who end up divorced. Some don’t ask to be born to a father who will die in a car crash when they are three. Some don’t ask to be born to a mother who works 80 hours a week or a father who gets sent to Iraq for half the year. Some don’t ask to be born to a mother who is addicted to drugs and leaves them in the care of their grandparents. Some don’t ask to be born to a black mother and white father…. and it goes on and on.I guess what I am getting at is NO ONE gets to choose their family or their parents….. not just sperm donor kids. We’re all just here and I guess we take what we can get.
>single mom by adoption here as well … here’s the thing, I so desperately wanted to parent a child, really really really did … and i’ll admit it was completely selfish (but then my marrieds friends desire to parent was also out of selfishness). I planned an international adoption, I spent loads of time and energy making sure I had support, education etc. I was and am completely in love with my daughter (adopted as an infant). So in love that my heart hurts that she doesn’t have a dad, it really does hurt. It’s hard at the end of the day looking around and knowing that no one loves her like I do (except quite likely her first mom). No one has the same sense of responsibility etc. I probably feel a lot less sad for my child then I would if she had to weather a divorce like many of her friends have, or sit in the middle of a nasty marriage. in the end, I thank God she’s here. her first mom was single and her forever mom is single. and i don’t think artificial insemination is any more selfish then any other road to parenthood. in the end we all want children and none of them (us) ever put ourselves on this earth.
>I think the “product” of the artificial insemination said it all, and very well.It’s not fair for the child to be thrown into a fatherless situation. And even with these “open donors” what type of relationship can the children possibly expect to have. The man is their donor, NOT their father. The women doing this are selfish, I believe. Sometimes, it doesn’t matter how badly you want something – if you can’t do it the right way, it shouldn’t be done at all.
>I think it is interesting how many of the responses still focus on the woman’s right to do such a thing, when the question was, specifically, whether the child had any right to even have a father. It’s also interesting how many responses differentiate in their judgements, based on how the single mother chose to became so. To me it is the same, whether one was careless, indifferent, or intentional in beginning and maintaining a pregnancy.A rather harsh metaphor occurred to me while reading the above responses, and after much examination of it, I’m going to go with it. To me, intentionally conceiving/having a child with a conscious disregard for whether a father will be present, yields the same result for a child as molestation: It steals from you something you never knew you had, and you spend your life trying to fill a void you can’t even define.
>Heidi, what about women who get knocked up, know the dad’s going to be a dud (incapable or unavailable), and raise the child on their own? Isn’t that also in some sense putting aside whether or not the father will be present or at least pushing it down the list of priorities? About this void thing–have you met children of single parents through IVF or adoption and can you say with certainty that they all feel the lack of a father? When a family is constituted without a father (or mother), for the child, that is still *family*. Of course, the single parent’s own extended family of parents, siblings, and friends (if one exists) also help to form that child’s sense of family and belonging, and in many instances that network will furnish father figures. The characterization of single mothers (or fathers) by choice as comparable to child molesters is a little harsh, don’t you think? Do you know any of these families or are they just an abstract evil to you? In terms of adoption, many government agencies and adoption professionals approve it–I had to get the approval of China and Canada before anyone would deem me fit to adopt, and that was a long and exhausting ordeal involving scrutiny of every aspect of my life (something biological parents do not have to submit to). If it were as bad and sick as you imagine, I think we would be hearing more awful stories about the fate of kids with single mothers or fathers by choice.
>Stacy. . .sounds like you’d still like to get married. What’s wrong with that?! Maybe you will one day. That, of course, brings its own set of challenges when you have pursued parenthood first, but they are not insurmountable. Hey, I know a lot of good single-mom dating sites!
>not my place to judge. I was lucky enough to not have to make that decision. But as for the kids who grow up angry about it- well, I know this sounds harsh but GET OVER IT. you’re only here b/c of the choice your Mom made. She wanted a baby SO BADLY that she went that route. We all grow up w/ some sort of chip on our shoulder about our parents. Grow up and be thankful that your Mom wanted you so very much.
>Imagine all the siblings one might have being conceived this way… if the “donor” was a popular one! That might bring about some more confusing emotions for the child.While I feel for women wanting to have a child, there is a bigger part of me who thinks that if the “conditions” aren’t right for a woman to have a child, then she isn’t meant to have a child. I find it extremely interesting that when grown, these children have an opinion. Who knew? (I’m being facetious here)And I’ll leave you with the mantra of pro-lifers: “It’s a child, not a choice.” It applies in many situations, doesn’t it?
>My Mom was a single Mom back when it was still frowned upon because my dad bailed. I was a single Mom back when I realized he was great at a party but would not be so good at tea parties. Do I regret it? No. Do I think I or my kids are more screwed up then anybody else? No. (Well they’re fine..I may be a little wacked out some days…) I am married now to a wonderful man who lives to be a good father. Is it easier to parent together? Not really. Yes we have two people who can react in a crisis, yes we can help each other tote the weary load. Yes one of us can roll up the car windows and lock the doors while the other drives around the kids as we try to escape the insanity. Guess what we can also do? We can disagree on disiplinary decisions, schooling options, clothing choices, hair styles, manners, and their friends. We can totally blow it on communication. We can screw up our kids in so many ways just by trying not to. Single or married, by choice or by chance in the end we all risk hefty therapy bills. Just keep your caller ID on so when Jerry Springer calls you know better than to answer the phone. And do the best you can.
>I didn’t read all of the comments, I’ll admit, but I wanted to re-visit this because what I have read suggests that some people are pulling apart at the adoptive option.I’m not about to give the details of adopted children in my family out – that isn’t fair to them – but if you are a single woman and you are considering artificial insemination, chances are that adoption of a child who already exists is a viable option financially.First of all, most insurance companies do not cover artificial insemination. On the other hand, there are many, many foundations willing to help with the cost of an adoption. There is a tax credit for adoptive families and many employers’ benefits packages include adoption help.Second of all, yes, many children available for adoption (or long-term fostering, which is equally viable and considerably less expensive from the up-front cost standpoint) are older. But I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that parenting was only a factor in younger children? I didn’t realize that only the younger children needed parents? I understand that when you want a child, chances are that you want a baby, that you want to nurture from the earliest moment you can, but you would be making as big an effort, as great a difference, helping a child who is older reconcile with their past and move beyond it. They need parents too.And thirdly, yes, many children available for adoption have special needs. But you have no guarantee that the child you will create will not have special needs either. Obviously, your own risk for creating a child with special needs is far smaller than the chance of adopting a child with special needs. But again, are they less viable children for it? Are they less in need of a parental figure for it?Honestly, who needs a parent (single or committed, hetero or gay) more: the child who already is? Or the child who thus far is not?I don’t have any problem with any responsible adult(s) regardless of their relationship-status or sexual orientation or WHATEVER choosing to become parents. And I don’t have a problem with them choosing to do so via artificial insemination (although as an individual who deals with a chronic disease myself, I do worry about the medical aspects)(although to be fair, that exists with plenty of children without artificial insemination too). I do think, though, that based on the comments I have read here thus far that adoption is getting an unfair rap. If you really want to adopt, you can find a way to do so in a manner that is affordable and palatable to your family.
>Also, sometimes I wonder if we worry about this single parent thing too much. The concept of parenthood that has evolved into what we know it to be today is so vastly different from fifty years ago or a century ago or two centuries ago. People have long turned out just fine with only one parent and the kids of artificial insemination will too.That some of them feel cheated in a world that hypocritically emphasizes two-parent hetero households is inevitable.Okay, I’ll get off my soapbox now! =)
>The whole adopting thing misses the point. The question is, does a child have a right to have a father? Whether or not the child is adopted by a single mom, s/he is still not going to have a father in the picture. Katrina Clark claims that donor children have been stripped of the right to know who their fathers are. Lindsey claims that donor children of single moms are being deprived of a father’s influence and love. Is it true that these situations are LESS THAN, or simply DIFFERENT THAN the “normal” situation?I would argue more for the “different” tag. A single mother may have a different kind of support system of relationships. She almost certainly has less money. And she may need to be sure to find positive male role models and relationships for her child.But she has love to give, no less than a married mother, and she has the desire to be a parent, clearly. And it may be very important to her sense of motherhood to experience pregnancy and breastfeeding and to pass on her own genes. Can you point to any given woman and say she does not have the right to reproduce, whether it is because she is poor or unmarried? And I’ll tell you as a twice adoptive mother, that we have spent the equivalent of a college education on adopting. $600 x 4 seems like a bargain to me!!
>this of course opens up a whole host of issues and discussions. I think the most important aspect in any child’s life is: Does he/she have a (at least one) parent who desperately loves them, wants them, and is physically and emotionally capable of providing support? If the answer is yes, then I say that child has as good a chance at being happy, healthy, and successful as any other child … and probably a better chance than many who are not so lucky as to be loved and wanted.That being said: I have a son with a man who I am no longer with. My son’s father is a very good father — involved, loves his son, sees him a lot, provides for him, and my son adores him. And we (the parents) have an amicable, if not friendly, relationship between the two of us. But there are many many days when I wish that I had my son all to myself. Selfish? probably. But we have completely different parenting styles and values. It is hard to get the life lessons across when different lessons are being taught at the other parent’s house. And the problem is not that what Dad is teaching him is WRONG by any means, it is just different than what I think needs taught. And then there are added logistical considerations: who pays for what? why gets our son on what days/events/special occasions? even things as simple as getting notes from the teacher communicated to both households is sometimes a hassle. I imagine anyone in a friendly divorced situation faces the same struggles. And there are many days where I think to myself that even though Dad is a great guy and a good Dad … I could do it just as well and maybe easier if Dad wasn’t in the picture at all.So, fast forward a few years and now I am married and expecting a new baby with my current husband. And I do not want to do it myself. I depend on my husband for help, support, encouragement. I do not want to be a single parent. I want to raise our daughter (and our “his” and “mine” sons) as a team. I think it will make us a stronger family, and be better for our children to be raised in a happy, healthy, family home.So … I guess in conclusion: The most important factor in raising happy, healthy children is having at least one parent who loves and wants the child in their life. The more love and devotion towards the child, the better off that child is.A family with more than one parent who loves and is devoted to the child is probably better. I don’t think it is necessary, but I believe it makes the job of raising children into happy, healthy adults easier (on the parent, and possibly the child).I will not go so far as to say that “more than one parent” means a husband and wife. It could mean two dads or two moms or mom and grandma … mom and stepdad or aunt and uncle even. The factors affecting children’s well being are first and foremost: Are they loved and wanted? Is there parental system capable of providing for them? And then I think that additional parents and/or family raising a child together (as a household, family, unit) just is an added bonus.
>A couple of people commented on the child’s “right” to a father. Every child has the right to be loved and wanted and grow up in an environment that fosters their physical and emotional health and happiness. What that environment looks like is never the choice of the child. No child gets to choose the race, religion, income level, education level, sexual orientation, number or type of parents. No child. Not children of artificial insemination, adoption, 2-parent households, divorce, or those who get abandonded. Furthermore, there should also not be a list of “requirements” for an adult to become a parent. Got at least $50,000 in income a year? check. Own your own home? check. College education? check. You’re straight? check. Married? check. Drink less than 5 alcoholic beverages per month? check. Do you plan to breastfeed? check. Ok, you have permission to be a parent. No way man. Happy healthy families come in all shapes, sizes, colors, income levels and personalities. Parents don’t get to choose their children, and children don’t get to choose their parents. That is the way life works.It is our job as parents to love our children and provide for them as best we can. It is our job as a society to help those children whose parents were not as responsible. (and that can come in many forms). It is not our job as a society to dictate who is “good enough” to be a parent. It is our job to make sure that the kids who do come into this world have the best chance possible.Adults of all types of family situations can find things that piss them off about their family. Mad that your mom made you go to that church you don’t believe in? Mad your dad ran off with his secretary? Mad that your neighbors had bigger houses than you did? Mad that your mom doesn’t know who your dad is? Well, get over it. Once you are an adult, it is time to take your health and happiness into your own hands. Don’t like your parents choices? Don’t make the same choices. But rest assured your kids won’t like some of your choices, either. And then when they are all grown up, you can tell them to get over it too.
>I did want to make an additional comment…I have a friend who conceived her baby through IUI because her husband has a zero sperm count. They were given the option to purchase additional sperm from the donor they used so that a second child could be a genetic sibling. It’s an interesting option.I think the whole “accidental incest” thing is a bit overblown and lurid. I mean, the percentage of kids conceived this way is something really small, and then when you factor in all the donors, the odds of it actually happening have to be something like 1 in 5 million or something equally microscopic.One could argue since my dad bailed, I had an equal shot at incest as I have NO IDEA if he went on to (most likely) father other kids. I could have a brother within the age range I considered dateable. I was fairly promiscuous in my 20’s and I make no apologies for that…I suppose there is some microscopic shot in the dark that I had a one night stand with my brother…but I HIGHLY doubt it.********Lindsay–you were ruminating on how the whole male/female role model thing works in gay families…I live in MA, where we have had gay marriage for 4 years (something I’m extremely proud of). I know lesbian and gay couples with kids and have had one or two gay families in my classrooms.The first thing that you need to understand is that the whole male/female role model thing is pretty outdated. For example, while yeah, I will be the one to teach my kids how to cook dinner for themselves, my husband is way better at laundry because he’s much more meticulous than I am about separating out delicates and blahblahblahIdon’tcareblabhblahblah (I just dump it all in the washer and hit wash or use a laundry service). My friend K knows everything about sports and her husband could care less but can make a mean chocolate souffle (no kidding–I had him teach me).In gay couples, the parents share parenting duties. One is usually the disciplinarian while the other is the less forceful one. One parent does more of the school stuff (usually the one with the more flexible schedule) and the other only tends to show up for the occasional thing or the super serious things. One parent makes sure that the homework is done, the lunches are packed, the permission slips are signed, and the other not so much. Each parent brings different strengths and qualities to the table…you can try to classify it into the female/male dichotomy, but I find that the f/m dichotomy fails a lot with straight couples too.***And finally to the person who was asking what happens when a guy wants to be a single dad?-He can hire a surrogateor-He can adoptor-He can have a baby with someone he shares custody with (a la that bad movie with Rupert Everett and Madonna from the 90’s where the girl and her gay best friend have a baby).*******I think the comments have mostly been really cool and I’ve found myself questioning my rationales and thoughts at several points. I can’t say I’ve changed my mind, but I like that I was forced to rethink everythign through to make sure I still agreed with myself, if that makes sense.
>I have a 5 month old and it is HARD even with the wonderful husband and father that comes along with my Jack. So I can only commend these women who are willingly raising a child on their own. That being said, I am the product of a single mom. My father died when I was 3. I missed a lot in my development that would have made my life now as a “wife” easier if I’d had a permanent male influence in my life growing up. I know how to be a mom. I think I’m a good mom because I had the best mom ever and learned from her. But it would have been nice to have a dad too. So think HARD about it.
>I mostly object to the women who wish they had a dad for their kids, but don’t want to wait any longer.Does wanting a child badly mean that you deserve a child? If so, what about those childless people who are desperate to conceive or adopt and go a lifetime being unable to do either. Do they deserve not to have a kid? No, of course not. The point is, having a child is not something anyone should do if they want to give the child something they do not have to offer currently. That includes a dad.
>Thanks for the post and what a great, thoughtful discussion it’s prompted! Katrina Clark’s article is a haunting one, indeed–she feels the same as I do about not having a dad (mine died when I was 1) and what she says about her feelings (in a part of her essay you did not quote) is exactly what kept me up nights for years, worrying, before making the decision to become a single mom, and why I wanted a friend to be the donor, and why, when that didn’t pan out, I chose a donor who has agreed to release his identity when the children turn 18. I met Katrina and she’s lovely–we were on a Fox morning show together, you can see the clip on my website. She loves her mom and is glad to be alive–her main thing seems to be support of open-ID donors, which I absolutely agree with. While Katrina’s anger about not having a dad is valid, and my son might well feel the same, I have been somewhatreassured by the research on the children of donor insemination. Based on the research to date, Katrina’s perspective seems to be unusual. In loving families where there are no lies told about the child’s donor origins, the kids seem to do fine, and often even have a (to me) surprising lack of interest in the donor. A summary of that research is also available on my site, http://www.knockyourselfup.com. I won’t respond to all the excellent points people raised in this thread (same ones most prospective single moms consider) because it would take too long–and if you’re really interested, it’s all in my book! Thanks again, and again, I’m impressed by the thoughtful discussion here. –Louise
>You know, these same issues come up with all donor gametes, even if they are used in a marital relationship — I wouldn’t just focus on SMCs.I used donor eggs to conceive my daughter, and we will tell her as it becomes age-appropriate (we’re already working on it a little bit at a time). It is not something that I want her to be ashamed of. I know I am not ashamed. I can’t imagine my life without her, and I am thankful that we were given such a wonderful gift.The only choice that we were offered was an anonymous program. I don’t know how she will feel about that. I am her mom — she grew inside of me, and my body nourished hers after she was born. But, I can’t predict what how she will feel about the way that she came into this world, and I’m certain that she will wonder about the woman who so kindly gave her half of her genetic makeup.