>Don’t Shoot Me
>This I believe: Being a stay-at-home mom, even with four kids and no help with cooking or cleaning, is not that hard, certainly not as hard as many bellyaching moms in magazines and on TV and the Internet (no, I’m not talking about anyone specifically!) would have us believe.
Agree or disagree?
>JMHO it all depends on the person. What maybe easy for one person may not be easy for another.
>I think the individual tasks themselves aren’t hard. What’s hard is being “on” all the time and not being able to leave the job at the office.
>I agree with you. I have six kids and I don’t think it’s that hard. Sure I’d like a break, but i could never really relax anyway!
>I don’t think the job is hard (once you’re past the newborn stage, anyway). What is hard is the isolation and lack of respect from other people.
>Some days it is hard (and I only have one child not in school – two total).The times that it is hard is when hubby is deployed and I am constantly “ON” – 24/7. After 6+ months of that – little things that don’t bug you at the beginning sure get to you close to the end.The temperament of the children also make a difference. If you have “perfect angels” or older children to “help” make a difference too.
>I agree with those who say “Most days” it’s not hard. There are days where we sit outside and blow bubbles or play games and I think “I can’t believe this is my job!” Then there are the days where the baby is sick/crying all the time, the preschooler is fussing and whining the whole time and I think “I can’t believe THIS is my job, and I can’t leave.” Plus I miss the ‘venting’ to coworkers, going out for lunch, and all the little things that makes work enjoyable. As well as being able to be in the car BY MYSELF without the constant monologue in the backseat.
>The tasks aren’t that difficult. cutting your income in half, never having a babysitter, rarely talking to another adult besides your husband because your friends are busy with work and it is hard to make new friends with no money to be social is very difficult. I love my daughter, but I need to go back to work. I was a therapist to high needs kids in residential treatment, and it was easier than this. I do it because it is undeniably the best for my daughter right now, but it is emotionally difficult.
>Depends on the ages and special needs of the children and how much support you have.
>Most days are pretty routine and easy around here. Some days, like this whole past week when my daughter was sick, SUCK. But, overall, it isn’t nearly as bad as we like to make our hubbies think it is. Don’t tell mine I said that though. 😉
>I forgot the name of the book about what a huge mistake it is to leave the work force, how we are just ruining our lives with the choices we have made. It stressed me out for a few days. I am happy with my role for now, but I sometimes worry about the future.I think it would be pretty brutal to have a full time job in addition to all of the cleaning and shopping. I imagine alot of women are in that position.
>I think it depends on how challenging your children are – combined with your own patience and temperment I’m sure.If you say it is not that hard, than count yourself among the lucky. I’m sure it is much harder for others out there.
>For some people, it’s a breeze. For others, it’s the toughest thing they’ve ever done. Most of us are somewhere in between and it depends on a variety of factors, including our moods and our children’s moods.
>I triple dog dare ya to say that to my wife. She stays home with our 4 sons, ages 5, 4, 2, and 3 months.I am sure it will get easier as they get older and some of them go off to school, but for right now, it is hard.
>I couldn’t say as I’m not a SAHM.But I will say that I’ve had many moments where I wished I was. Having said that I do enjoy the adult contact and the general satisfaction I get from my jobSo my perfect world would be to work outside of the home part time.
>I’m not a SAHM. I run my own one-woman business from home and care for my son pretty much all by myself during the week. The hardest part for me is the loneliness. My husband is away Monday-Friday/Saturday and I have no family even in the country.Other than the loneliness, the hardest part is doing the icky parts of the “mom” job. Cleaning the house, wiping the butts, waking up in the morning tired because you were up half the night with a sick kid. The rest is a piece of cake.But I could not be a stay at home mom. I love that my mom made that sacrifice for me, but I am not a big enough woman to do it.
>Um, I don’t think your first two count at all, in fact, I think they add easy points to your experience. You have never had 4 people under the age of 6 all of whom need you to wipe their butts still and like to throw toys and smear excrement on carpets. I assume your two step daughters at least hold your babies from time to time, know how to do laundry and don’t dump their cheerios all over the floor and scream at you because you cut the peanut butter sandwich the wrong way. They already went to school before you started taking care of them. I assume they are more help than you realize with your younger children because they are there and can be handed a baby for a minute while you go to the bathroom or make dinner. I could be wrong, but I think you are speaking from the experience of only about 1 1/2 children, I don’t think you can count the other two at all in the discussion of why it’s hard to be a STAHM of 4 because you haven’t actually done it with a close age group.
>It is as full time as full time gets, but it isn’t hard, just tiring. but the rewards outweigh any con.
>after reading through the comments I just wanted to add, a lot of people mention having older children makes taking care of younger ones easier. While it is nice to be able to run to the store quick if a baby is sleeping, older children come with their own needs and challenges that some days leave me wishing for their toddler days. My youngest was practically raised in his car seat while I was running his brothers everywhere they needed to be.
>I agree with b.e.c.k. and veronica mitchell. The work itself, not so hard. But the constant emotional drain…that is hard.
>Well, then, Carrien, I don’t think you know what it’s like to be responsible for getting two older girls to and from two different schools, to and from soccer games and practices for four different teams that they play on as well as play rehearsals and performances, and dealing with their hormonal anguish and accusations, all while hauling one or two small children along for every ride, entertaining them, and breastfeeding in the process. So boo ya and your 1 1/2 children insult.And my stepdaughters keep their rooms clean (but nothing else) and do a small amount of babysitting only IF I’m willing to pay them, so no, I don’t really have lots of extra help.Back to my original point. Sure there are SAHMs who have it harder than I do, but given all the SAHMs who read this blog, I think I’m right up there with those who have the biggest workload, all things considered (including writing jobs that take up as many of my hours as a part time job would). And that said, I’d much rather be in my position than, say, my next-door neighbor’s, who has a full-time job and spends all her time off shuttling her two small children around, mowing the lawn and cooking and cleaning. Being a SAHM is a tough job, but it’s certainly not the toughest job there is, and I’m getting a little tired of hearing women try to convince everyone that it is. That’s all.
>I am neither stay at home, nor a mom.The times that I am taking care of things when mom is out of town are very challenging. (We both work).I think it would be harder for my wife to be a stay at home mom than to work.Fortunately she and I both do the heavy lifting when we are at home.We do have a neighbor with for daughters who wears us out about how hard her life is.
>I think the media has to stir up the belly achers for ratings, sensationalism, grab you headlines, you name it, in any area. There is no drama in the “I JUST LOVE being a SAHM and I’ve always wanted to be a mommy!” camp.I’ve always been a working mom and for the most part I like it (I hesitate to say “love.”) But I’ve got a pretty ideal work schedule in that I work 32 hours, half of which are via telecommuting. So I try not to b*tch that it’s “so hard to be a working mom.” There is also that camp.
>Both times I’ve been a SAHM, I’ve had to go on Prozac. You figure it out.
>I agree that it isn’t hard. It is the most exhausting job I’ve ever had.
>For you, it may not be that hard. But aren’t the older two quite a bit older? I’ve worked full time (now), parttime, and done the sahm thing. Physically, sahm isn’t harder….it’s the mental exhaustian, lack of respect, and no time to yourself that is difficult. I had a 4 yr old, 1 yr old and a newborn, while my husband was deployed for weeks at a time. It all depends on you, your situation, your children’s ages, their personalities, etc. I don’t think there’s “one” answer for this question.
>I work full time and commute part time (haha, ten hours a week!).I would give anything to be financially able to be at home. Of course, next year both kids will be in FT school and I don’t think I could bear to be at home *doing nothing* all day. That said: I have it a little easier than SAHM’s because my dh helps out (just a little, though!) around the house more than hus’s of SAHM’s probably do. But I still spend 50 hours a week doing something completely unrewarding (except pay of course) and I would give anything for the lush life of SAHM-ism.Haha, But we need to remember the whole “Grass is greener” thing. I’m sure once I got to stay home every day, I’d start freaking out. Though, I’m awfully anti-social, so maybe not. Lindsay, for your next birthday, I’ll get you a new can of worms since I think you’ve opened all yours. 😉
>I’ll say it again: TEENS ARE NOT EASIER. Yes, they can take care of themselves, but the constant emotional rollercoaster ride is every bit as demanding for me as the physical demands of caring for small children.And with all this said, my “glamorous” TV reporting job was way more difficult and stressful than being a SAHM. And I cn think of plenty of jobs that are tougher than TV reporting.
>Are you kidding me. THis is the hardest freakin’ job I’ve ever done. I can’t believe more people are saying this. WOW!! You guys are all saints.
>I have no kids, so I should say this, but I totally agree with you. My best friend has four girls that are between 10 – 17, whom she mostly raised alone and she’s about to remarry and just found out that she’s pregnant. And she does make it look hectic but do-able.
>I’ve done both. I went back to teaching when my son was 10 weeks old. It was hard to go back, but I was ready. I had no idea how much work a newborn/infant could be. Then there would be those days when I thought that I absolutely couldn’t go to school…I ached to stay at home. Then, almost the very next day, something would happen, and DS would get sick, and I would be at home with a child with a sore throat, asthma attack, puking, etc, and I would dream of being at “work” with emotional high school drama!! Then almost six months ago, we relocated, and I became a SAHM. Oh. Lord. What. Did. I. Do. It was so hard. I searched high and low for a preschool for my four year old. Luckily I found a really great and affordable one! This gave me some much needed peace for two glorious days per week. And then preschool was out for the summer. But by that time I had adjusted, I had learned a lot. I actually enjoy it not. I can see both sides, because I have done both sides, but it was a sacrifice both times. The first time I sacrificed time with my child for the betterment of my family. Working was hard, but we needed the money. (In retrospect, I think I needed the mental break from an infant more than the money.) Now I have chosen to stay at home until my son goes to school in August. And it’s a sacrifice…money is tight. But I am also not looking as forward to August as I thought I would:(Both sides of this situation should come together…we are all moms making sacrifices for our families!
>I wrote a post on this same subject just a week agoHere is a link if you want to read it
>Hold on, I gotta go get some more popcorn.
>I didn’t mean that as an insult Lindsey just as an opinion/assessment so sorry if you were insulted. I was basing that comment on my experience with my teenage SIL’s whom I have spent more than a week at a time living with and shuttling around, along with their two brothers,while my MIL is out of town, and dealing with making meals and keeping the house clean. Frankly I find it easier with 4 teenagers and 3 toddlers than just with three toddlers even after two weeks but those kids do pull their weight and I don’t have to deal with all of their emotional deals. They call their mom for that. No, it’s not the hardest job there is, but that doesn’t make it any less exhausting from time to time, especially when there aren’t many people who respect the work we do as mother’s.
>I find it hard much of the time. It’s not the hardest job out there – I don’t think that’s a quantifiable thing, really – one man’s hard job is another man’s cake walk. But it’s under-appreciated, at least in this house. There is the “always on” element of it, too. Even when my husband is home, I’m the one doing anything to do with the kids or the house. His job has definable hours, mine doesn’t. I think that’s what I find so hard about it – when I was working in an office, I went in at 8 and clocked out at 5 most of the time. Come 5 p.m., the job was done and I didn’t have to think about it again until the next day. With this job, it’s all the time and you don’t even get sick days. You also tend to be thought less of because you’re “just” staying at home with your kids, like you’ve checked your brain until your kids are older, like you’re incapable of thoughts beyond Blue’s Clues and poopy diapers. It tends to make you defensive and with defensiveness comes this “Hah, you think it’s so easy, YOU do it,” attitude. I know I have it. Because being a SAHM is many things, but most of the time, easy isn’t one of them.
>I think the SAHM job can be extremely hard – it’s a 24 hour job. The last time I had a “job” that was 24 hours was college (I was very studious and ambitious – you don’t leave the books behind, you are always on deadline, etc.) – and that is nothing compared to caring for children and a household.I miss my daugher horribly during the four days I’m away from her – *but* I am glad that I’m a WOHM (wow – that is the first time I’ve used that acronym to describe myself!). I am never, ever, burned out on my child and her needs. I am able to be “on” with her 100% of the time that I’m with her, because I’ve had time exercising the other parts of who I am throughout the week and I’m so happy to be with her every evening and and three full days. Of course, I am very lucky that my daughter’s nanny is also her grandmother. I personally might have a harder time if she was in daycare at this age – I’d worry more.I guess my point is that for me, being a SAHM would be harder than anything else I’ve done. I doubt it’s the hardest job out there – counseling sexually abused kids or working in a domestic violence center or being on the front lines in Iraq would harder, for me.There was an interesting discussion about whether teens are easier to parent over at The Juggle, if anyone is interested – seems like the consensus was NO WAY: http://blogs.wsj.com/juggle/2007/06/06/can-teens-make-your-life-easier/
>My mother says the preteen years are emotionally hard BECA– USE they are physically exhausting, and the teen years are physically hard BECA– USE they are emotionally exhausting. Lindsay, you amaze me in that you do BOTH.But I have to agree that there are much worse jobs out there. My son’s nurse at the children’s hospital a couple of weeks ago, for example. She works four 12-hour shifts with sick babies most weeks, has a three year old daughter at home, and is five months pregnant. Yikes! I count my blessings everyday that I’m not her–and that she is willing to do it, because she was a GREAT nurse.
>I think being an at home mom was one of the hardest things I have EVER done. I have had very demanding jobs (I am an attorney, but not highly compensated, so I have never had “help” other than after school care now). I think being “ON” 24/7 was much more difficult. I stayed home with my girls for the first four years, worked part time for 1 ½ years, then went back to full time almost a year ago. I love my girls. I am pleased that I was able to stay home with them when they were young, and would not do anything differently, but it was HARD!
>I work part time outside of the home. It’s usually one or two days a week, sometimes 3. There are some weeks when I wish I didn’t have to work at all so I could just stay home all week. There are also weeks when I wish I could work more because I really don’t want to hear my oldest whine one more minute.I will say it was REALLY easy for a while there before my baby was born in November. My older child is one of those kids who takes a daily nap of at least two hours and can usually entertain herself pretty well. Now, however, she’s almost 3 and you never know what kind of day you’re going to get. The sweet, funny, great to be around little girl or the raving lunatic who throws a fit about everything, never listens, and spends her day whining.I do know that I would never want to work full time. I would feel cheated. I am not trying to make anyone angry, that’s just the way I feel.Basically, working part time is perfect for me and my family and I wouldn’t want it any other way.
>Darn you Lindsay! Giving away all our SAHM secrets! Now how am I going to get any sympathy?;D
>It can’t possibly be as hard as going to a job outside the home, then coming home at night and having to squeeze in cooking, cleaning, laundry, plus being a mom all in just a few short hours.
>I agree with green3…I have only been a SAHM mom the three months maternity leave I had with both kids…hung out with friends, took naps, basically a vacation…That being said, I know some SAHM run around like crazy with errands and such, maybe scheduling is what’s hard??
>I’ll agree that teens and tweens are tough. My 14 YO and 10 YO have me running all over like a dang taxi.We have guitar lessons, vocal lessons, cheer camps, ball games, etc… then there’s the monthly concert that 14 wants to go to and we genrally go because we can and because we are cherishing the time that she actually WANTS us to go with her. Add to all that, I have 5 YO twins who have ball games and preschool and such and ONE of my twins is a MAJOR home-body. I’ve been a SAHM and now I work FT. I’d give my left arm to go back to being a SAHM. For that matter, I’d give my right one too. I miss it terribly and am ready to go back home.
>I am a stay at home mom, and have often had the same thought. Sure, some times it is exhausting and emotionally draining, but I can’t imagine it is harder than being a mom who works and them comes home and has to cook, clean, and do everything else around the house. I have never understood why SAHM’s say that their job is harder because it never ends. What about the women who have a job outside the home, and then come home to do everything in one evening that I have all day to do? I guess if you work outside the home and have a husband who helps out around the house alot, then that eases the load.
>I think it depends on the children and the mom’s personality. I’m a SAHM writer two a 3 year old and a nearly 9 and nearly 13 year old….and I find it pretty difficult some days.Mostly I think this is because of MY own personal need for alone time to decompress. I have this theory about introverts and extroverts–the extroverts thrive on the energy of other people and the introverts are sapped of energy by constantly being around other people. There are days when i lose it with 3 just because I want him OFF of me. I want to take a second to myself and sit in my own skin without worrying if he’s doing something he shouldn’t (or if nearly 9 is doing something SHE shouldn’t which is just as likely).My nearly teen is a helper, but she’s also hormonal and getting sassier every day. I wish I could freeze her at 12 because I have a feeling as years go on she’ll be less helpful.anna j.
>Everyone complains about how hard they work. Teachers, nurses, salespeople – I know people with all kinds of jobs and they all think they work harder than anyone else realizes. Why shouldn’t stay-at-home parents feel the same way? Isn’t there something in the Constitution about the right to bitch and moan?That said, I was lot more tired when I worked full time and came home to one child than I am now staying home with two kids. I find it easier to stay home, which is a big reason why I do it. On the other hand, working was often more interesting, more rewarding, and more respected. I agree with commenters above that it really depends on your personality. It also depends on your interests. If you love doing the activities that your kids want to do with you, that makes the job a lot easier. If I hated cooking, reading stories, and going to the park, this job would suck.
>I’ve never went the SAHM route for purely financial reasons. I would try it if the opportunity presented itself but am content with the path God has put me on. I do have the mix of teenagers and younger kids though and that has it’s own special difficulties and blessings. Difficulties: Lindsay, I’m feeling you on the whole challenge of breastfeeding between running back and forth to practices. 90 degree weather with a screaming infant and the coach feels the need to keep the kids over 30 minutes? (There were a couple of times I could have ripped a few heads off.) Or both kids have games on opposite ends of town at the same time. Someone will be unhappy no matter what you do. ALL DAY band competitions. Utter meltdowns on prom night because the crap that is supposed to keep your ta-tas front and center has somehow glued them to your armpit. Football games that span every type of precipitation…rain, snow, sleet…in one night and with a toddler who MUST SEE his brother play. Blessings: if responsible teenagers, having an extra driver rocks. Babysitters that might have to be paid but at least you don’t worry about them smacking your baby around. ANd last but certainly not least, conversations like…kid: how did you and daddy meet? me: Uh, so and so introduced us. kid (very quietly): Well, I quess I need to go and thank her then. They have my heart and make it all worthwhile!
>I’m a teacher, so I’m SAHM in the summer, and a WOHM the rest of the year. I like the fact that I get both, but I don’t mind working, and I miss adult interaction in the summer, although that is something I could remedy by calling more friends.Every summer until this one, I had grandiose plans of all the things I was going to get done in the summer. Well, this year my goal is to enjoy my time with my kids, and I think it’s going a lot better. They still fight a lot (ages 8 and 4), but since I don’t have set things I have to get done by 5 pm, I’m more flexible. I think a lot depends on how helpful your spouse is, and your tolerance level of dirt. I have a very helpful spouse, and a high tolerance of dirt, so my house doesn’t look so hot most of the time. Therefore, the “come home and cook and clean and do all that stuff” doesn’t apply as much to me. Plus, I have simplified my life by really getting rid of toys and other stuff I don’t need. A great example: we don’t give our kids birthday or XMAS presents: we go on mini trips instead. They get enough from grandparents, aunts, and uncles anyway.
>It´s hard for me at the moment, but that is because I have an 18 month old who is already starting his terrible twos and a newborn, in addition to working at home. Also, we are in the middle of building our house, so my son can´t really play anywhere and goes a bit stir crazy in just one room!I´m anticipating an easier time when the house is done and the kids are both walking and talking!
>I agree with you, Lindsey.I get that icky, uncomfortable feeling when I hear SAHM’s complaining about their workload in the presence of their children. That whole martyr schtick cannot be good for little childrens’ ears.
>Wow! You just threw down major in the Mommy Wars! I think I will be Switzerland on this one =)
>I agree to a point, it depends on the ages of the kids, and the paitence of a mom. I know I couldn’t handle 4 kids under 6. I tried today, and was overwhelmed, but that could be that 2 them weren’t mine!
>I am a mom of three, one of whom is autistic. We have our good and our bad days. Some days I want to pull my hair out because I get so frustrated. Other days are good. All in all I don’t think it’s so hard and I really do enjoy it. I just wish I had a little more down time…I am “on” 24/7.
>No, it’s not that hard.But, it depends on the person, and also, you need breaks, too. I used to go to work to relax and enjoy adult company.
>I think it’s a bit like comparing apples and oranges — that’s why the “argument” or “vs” is so bogus. What’s easy and simple for one person can be challenging for another. That being said, dealing with future adults (little humans) for 24 hours a day, along with taking care of domestic duties, while not DIFFICULT (I still contend it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, ever) is certainly not rewarded well in society nor appreciated.I know folks might feel that my situation — just 2 kids under three – no more, no less – is pretty easy. I find parenting to be exhausting, challenging, and stressful. I’m also a fairly type-A person who takes the raising of people pretty darn seriously — I have little ability to just let things go and I analyze a lot.So for my personality type — I make (or made) a great college professor. SAHM? Eh, not so much. But I’m trying.Too many factors to say “easier” or “harder”But, to say that teenagers — or step-teenagers are easy (as some of the commenters have hinted at) is off. I’d much rather deal with a teething baby than a 14 year old who wants to have sex. Sticking my boob in her mouth and rocking her doesn’t quite work then.
>I am a mom of 6. Life was harder when I worked and still had to come home and do the kids-dinner-housework-activities routine. I have to agree with Lindsay about the teen thing too. It was much easier when the kids were smaller – I could contain their messes to certain areas, they went to bed earlier, had fewer activities, more of their clothes fit in the washer each load, etc. Also, the attitudes/arguing that makes you wonder whether the help you do get is even worth it. The biggest thing about being a SAHM that I hate is that it’s a completely unappreciated job and that’s the reason I often exaggerate how difficult my day was in conversation.
>Does it count as being a SAHM if you sent your kids to daycare while you stayed at home???? Call me a bad mom, but I did! I did all my errands and the such while they were at daycare and then was able to get great meals on the table for lunch/dinner and actually spend time with my kids and hubby in the afternoons/evening. I had four kids under 8, two of which I inherited when I married my husband. Luckily, I have a choice now…I only work part-time as a temp during the school year and take off most of the summer, spring break and the holidays. Mine are pretty much grown up now, only two teens at home. Heck, I forgot, the 18 year old pregnant step-daughter is coming back from her mom’s in California … looks like things are gonna change!
>My kids are close in age…three within 44 months. I’ve done it all…worked part-time while my kids were really little, worked full-time when they were a little older, and now am a SAHM ‘doing nothing’ all day, as one mom commented! I have never ‘done nothing’ all day, thank you very much! I am always busy and I never sit and watch tv. I absolutely love staying at home…I keep very busy keeping my home in order, making dinner for my family, volunteering at my kids’ school and driving them to their activities. Yes, they are all in school full-time now. My oldest will be 12 soon and I believe she needs me even more now than she did when she was little. Like Lindsey said, the emotional turmoil is hard to deal with and I don’t want to lose the bond that her and I have.By far, the hardest for me was when I was working full-time and trying to be a full-time wife and mother and keeper of the home. I was always stressed and exhausted and feeling like I was living on the edge. Not the way I like to live.So, all that to say, I agree with Lindsey. It IS a hard job, especially when the kids are little, but NOT the hardest job in the world.
>Girl, you rock! You are never afraid to tackle a hot topic. I love your blog.My mama taught me that you never really know what’s going on inside of anyone else’s house except your own. With the mommy wars this seems to be especially true.
>How old are the kids? Are any high needs? How big of a house? What hours does the dad work? Are there extended family members nearby who can watch the children for little bits of time? I think there are too many variables to make a blanket statement one way or another.Personally, I find it very hard; especially the lack of adult conversation. That’s one of the reasons why I work outside the home: to keep my sanity.
>As a mom who has now officially done both, I totally agree. Staying home was WAY easier!
>For me, staying at home would be nearly impossible. I’m just not cut out for it. When my first daughter was born I was back to work in 7 weeks. The second time around I stayed home for 2 1/2 months. Both times, I was ready to head back. I’m thrilled to hear it’s not so hard for some, but I don’t think that’s universally true.I agree that stay at home moms end up with responsibilities for kids and home even when the dads are there. But I think that’s true in two-career families too. My husband is wonderful, but I still end up carrying a heavier load (our jobs are very similar).Great thoughts in the post and comments. Thanks.
>Depends.Depends on the emotional and physical strength of the SAHM. Does the spouse come home early enough to help? And more importantly; does he/she help?! It really chaps my hide that 99.99999% of women/mothers come home from work, drop their purse and/or briefcase and immediately immerse themselves in their children/household chores/laundry/homework, you name it. Do 99.9999999% of husbands/fathers? Ah, NO! And that is why I refuse to work outside of the home. I would then have 2 full time jobs. And wouldn’t do a very good job at either one of them!Hopping off the soapbox to say: It’s All WORK. I find that people who bellyache about staying home with their children are also the same ones who bitched about their professional careers. Some folks will snatch the misery out of the bouquet of life, vs. seeing all that’s beautiful and important whatever they are doing.Who was is that said “It’s not what happens to you, it’s how you react”? Everything is sometimes exhausting, bewildering and godawful. Hopefully, not for too long. But for those who think staying home is too hard, don’t stay home! Find a way to make yourself feel better, and I don’t mean drugs – find part time work or even full time work if that’s what you want. Sometimes the best thing that happens for families is both parents working. For us, one of us staying home is best. And that someone is me. For me, it is not that hard. 2 boys, 11 months apart, one special needs. Big house, no help. Sometimes I make 8 trips a day to various therapy/sports/medical appointments. I make the children participate in chores before there is a ‘change of scene’; be it dinner, leaving the house, bedtime stories, playdates, etc. And dh works 70 hours a week so he’s about as useful as tits on a snake around the house. But he provides the income, and is a wonderful spouse and daddy when he’s home.
>Define ‘hard’. It’s like asking how long is a piece of string. What’s hard for one may not be for another.I’ve been a SAHM, I’ve been a single mother, I’ve been a WOHM when I remarried and now I’m a SAHM again. All the experiences were different and one was never easier than the other – except the single mother part. That sucked. 🙂 There are days now I wish I was back at work, and then there are days when I wish I never had to go back to work.The most challenging part to being a SAHM is, as others have mentioned, you can’t clock off. When you work outside the home unless you’re a surgeon or something you rarely get called regularly at 3 am to deal with something. You get two weeks (or more) vacation away from your paid job. You don’t get that with SAHM-hood, and that’s tough.I do agree with your comments about teens not being easy. I’ve got 4 kids ages 16, 12, 3 and 6 months and there are days I wonder who is more challenging to deal with, the teenager or the preschooler (both girls, btw!All things being equal I wouldn’t give any of it up, hard or not.
>Really interesting comments.I have been working from home the entire time…without ANY childcare (over 1500 miles from family, husband deployed for part of it, baby with a heart defect that means I can’t let her get agitated, then she got colic), and THAT is tough. Seriously, I dare anyone to tell me in person that it isn’t 😉 .So, on one hand I’m not really qualified to answer the question–but having done THAT, I imagine it would be easier to do it without the added pressure of job-related deadlines.I think being an at-home parent without any additional factors is challenging and sometimes thankless–but every job can be that way and very few if any jobs are as rewarding.
>I understood this debate to be between a regular job in the workplace and the job of a SAHM. Not between a SAHM and a WOHM. Lot’s of STAM are really WAHM any way. But I think all moms work hard and it’s silly to try and decide who works harder. But compared to any job I had before I became a mom, parenting several small children is harder.
>I know it isn’t easy for the stay at homes…. but I envy the hell out of you. I do not think toddlers, tweens or teens are at ALL easy…. but I’d love to be home with them 🙂 Grass is always greener… yes, I work outside of the home, go to school and have two tweens. I’m so glad I have my challenges though — being a parent is the greatest blessing I have ever had.
>Tch..tch… Lindsay, are you trying to pick a fight?
>Did… did you write back there that teenagers AREN’T easier than small children?? Are you telling me there’s NO LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL?? This is the worst news I’ve heard in a long time. Don’t worry, I won’t shoot you. I may, however, shoot myself..
>I had twins when my oldest was 20 mos. And no, it wasn’t as hard as I expected it to be. My husband worked out of state for a while and came home every other weekend and sometimes, I wanted to strangle him for leaving me with all that. LOL (We have no relatives in this state to help out.) But still…staying home with my kids vs. leaving home for a job all day/every day with mostly rude people, like when I worked before? No thank you!I do think I try to do TOO much at times and feel as though I have to be perfect at it all. So I make it hard on myself.
>adding to say this…my 3 are 9 and almost 11 now and we homeschool.
>Geesh. That’s so “black and white”..There are way too many variables, way too many shades of grey… So many have already pointed out the factors involving ages of the kids, how many kids, how much help or support from the partner, mom’s personality, kids’ personalities, etc… I work from home with 3 kids, my oldest is a 13 year ol stepson, my younger two are 2 and 4 years old and not yet in school. My husband is a firefighter who is frequently gone for days at a time, and always gone at least 24 hrs shifts at a time. I have no family close to help, no sitters, no maid, no nothing. I also work from home running my own business. I am type A who needs lots of personal space (and doesn’t get ANY), over analyzes everything and has two young clingy, very challenging little ones and an emotional, hormonal, difficult stepson. I DARE you to tell me it isn’t hard. I’m virtually a single parent most of the week, shuttling everywhere and trying to run my own business from home with two small kids underfoot and trying to best meet all their emotional and phsyical needs while also running my business and my home and cookinga nd cleaning and shopping etc…. I stay up working late at night to get as much work done as possible, sacrificing GOBS of much needed sleep. And you know what? before having kids I was a police officer working the night shift in a very dangerous city… that was a piece of cake. I’m not a whiny, pussy malcontent by any means. I know how to buck up and handle the pressure. My daughter has special medical needs and I do it all alone. So please, please, don’t be so presumptious as to think you know what other people go through or what goes on in other people’s lives based only on your own experiences… I’m glad it’s manageable for you. Other people have a harder time coping with what they are dealing with. I’m not saying you have it easy just that your personality is such that you are probably more relaxed and don’t get annoyed to a breaking point when you’ve got three kids throwing tantrums at the same time… Doesn’t mean I’d trade it all in and go back to working full time out of the home. Just means that yes, I consider it hard, and although I don’t complain much about it, I recognize it to be as difficult as it REALLY TRULY is.
>My mom married my dad when she was 19 and was a stay at home mom to my sister and I from the time I was born until I was 13. When I was 6, my family moved from Scotland to Arizona. My mom came over as my dad’s spouse and didn’t have a work visa for the first five years, so she couldn’t work even if she wanted to. She had no family or friends anywhere close, and the only people she socialized with were my dad’s colleagues’ wives or my friends’ moms. Eventually, she went a little crazy.A couple of years ago we were talking about the divorce, her leaving my dad, etc., and she said to me, “I just knew that if I didn’t leave, I was never going to be anything other than his husband and your mother.”After she left my dad, she went to university, got a job as a paralegal, and is a parent to my sister and I and feels much more fulfilled as a human being.So it just varies from person to person. I believe that with my mom’s particular situation, she was stuck in a country with no real friends, had never had a real job, and felt as if she needed to do something more with her life. A lot of women have careers before children, so that changes things.I do agree with you that being a stay-at-home mother is easier than a lot of jobs, but I do believe that you need a lot of support from friends and family so you don’t just ‘disappear’, and you need to have things in your life that make you feel fulfilled (like your blog and freelance writing jobs) apart from being a mother.
>Yeah, the isolation is hard. My husband travels frequently, so sometimes the only adults I see for days are the cashier at the grocery store and the bank teller. I miss the adult interaction I had when I worked outside the home. Also, a SAHM gets no days off when she’s sick, no vacation, very few pats on the back, etc. Still, I feel very fortunate that I have been able to stay home with my kids these last six years. I just couldn’t do the daycare thing.
>I didn’t read all the comments, so pardon me if I repeat some points.First, the disclaimer: I’m a man.When my oldest was born(17 now), my first wife and I both worked full time. I worked all night, and then took care of my infant daughter all day while wife worked. This went on for 6 years, with me as the primary daytime caregiver. While I wouldn’t trade those years, and the bond with her that resulted, for anything, it was very hard to work all night and then be responsible for a little one all day.When my second wife and I had our daughter(4 now), we did try the 2 worker family thing. My wife was miserable, it was hard on our son and on me. So, I found a second full time job and my wife became a SAHM. I’m very proud to say that my youngest never spent a minute in daycare. I wish I could have done it for my other 2.That being said, there was a reason I was the one who went to work instead of being a SAHD(aside from financial). Full time, no break parenting is hard. The lack of adult interaction especially. My wife was a little bitter about the fact that I was sort of “go anywhere, do anything” and she had to jump through hoops to get alone time.The long and the short is that as a SAHM, you are doing all the things you would have to do no matter what(they are your children, after all). You are just able to do it without the added pressure(or release, depending on your view) of having to work 40 or more hours on top of it all.It’s not for everyone, just like my working 80+ hours for 4 years isn’t for everyone. It’s what works best for you that counts. I feel very fortunate that I was able to do what I’ve done, for the kids and my wife both. It was totally worth the sacrifice.I feel much worse for working parents than I do SAH’s as far as difficulty, but I couldn’t SAH myself.Guess that makes me a hypocrite.
>I think from now on I will be worshipping you… 🙂
>These comments are enlightening. Based on everyone’s comments, a mom’s job never ends. You might be able to leave your outside-the-home job, but when you come home, there is work to be done. A mom is always on whether you work or not.I was a SAHM for a year and I enjoyed it. I was ready to go back to work after six months.Personally, I think my day-to-day life was much easier when I stayed at home with my nursling. I have a few friends who are SAHMs, and they go on long walks with their kids, meet other SAHMs for cappuccino, hang out, have nice, clean houses, etc. They also have a lot more free time with their working husbands. However, if I didn’t work I do not think I would be as happy and fulfilled. Sure, I am sometimes flustered and stressed, but I find my work extremely rewarding and without it I would be a little lost.
>This is HARD! I think it depends on the mom, the ages & stages the kids are at & whether you get any breaks or help from someone else now & then. For instance, when I only had one – I was June Cleaver, when the 2nd came along it got a little crazy for a while. Then it got easy for a while.Then I got pregnant again & it was still easy until the baby came alone, my oldest started Kindergarten & my 3 year old started getting PMS. Right now, it’s not easy and it’s the hardest job I’ve ever done.I can see that the tides will turn again in a few months. It’s not a black & white answer though. Some women make it look easy & some just wear their battle fatigues all the time.
>From the sound of many of these comments, being a SAHM is basically a horrible job. And I just wonder if everyone would be complaining so much if Oprah and company didn’t say we all had a right to.If you’re a regular reader of this blog, you know that I at times am ready to tear my hair out being a SAHM. I’m also sick to death of our finances being stretched to their breaking point because of the financial hit we’re taking so that I can stay home. And yet overall, I can’t think of anything else I’d rather be doing (and I’m a competitive, ambitious kind of person who thrives in the workplace). Because for all the screaming tantrums, the teen attitudes, the hours of chauffering, the enless housework, the illnesses, and the 24/7 aspect of the job, I’m also my own boss. If I need to get out of the house, we go to the library or the playground or Starbucks. If I need adult interaction, I call one of the SAHM friends I took the time and effort to make when I started staying home. If I want to stay in my pajamas all day, I DO. And no, there’s no paycheck but seeing my son smile for the first time and even seeing my daughter poop in the potty gives me way more satisfaction than any paycheck I’ve ever gotten (and being a freelancer, I’ve gotten a few doozies). I said this in response to an e-mail I received yesterday and I really, truly try to live this (kind of stupid, smarmy, but true phrase) out: Bloom where you’re planted. Mass media and these stupid “Mommy Wars” have given us a license to complain, but maybe we’re all going overboard. Maybe we don’t need to be continually justifying it as a job, but instead celebrate the fact that it is often a lot of fun, too, and that it definitely has its merits.And maybe if it isn’t fun for you, you need to reassess your SAHM situation and look into getting a job outside the home and letting someone else take care of your kids. I know for some that’s not possible, but for a lot of you, it actually is. You’re bright, talented women or you wouldn’t be reading stuff like this on the Internet and taking the time to think and write about it.And by the way, it’s 6am and I’m up feeding Bruiser. My neighbor is already putting her kids in the car outside so she can take them to daycare and go on to work. I’ll go back to sleep now for another 2 hours, like I do every morning. Yet another perk of my job.
>Lindsey, I definitely agree with you that the Mommy Wars are a creation of the media, and that it’s much more important to recognize each other’s struggles. But you still sound as if you are dismissing others’ complaints, and that disappoints me. You blithely tell moms who are not happy to go out and get a job. Well, please show me some affordable, trustworthy childcare in my area and I might consider that. You say that teenagers are hard — I agree, but I don’t have to wipe their bottoms or keep scissors out of their grip, or maintain constant vigilance on them. The emotional thing, fine, you’re right, it’s hard — but at least I can go to the potty in private. And I do love being a SAHM at times — you are right, it’s got some great rewards. But I’m not my own boss — my children are my boss, and to some extent so is my husband. I provide laundry, catering, chauffeuring, social secretary service, etc. And while it’s unlikely I’ll get fired, I do work hard to please them. Moreover, my workplace is also my place of relaxation, and that makes it difficult to just sit and relax even when it is time to do that. And I agree with you that the job of a SAHM is probably not the HARDEST job in the world, but I think attitudes like yours that deny that at times it CAN be, for those who are isolated, have little money, have a lot of young or special needs children, etc, are very harmful to those moms who ARE having a hard time.You think Oprah and mass media are why people are complaining more now? Let’s think of some other reasons:*a few decades ago, most people had hired help of some kind, which was much more affordable for almost everyone, even the working poor. *a few decades ago people generally lived closer to their extended families, who could provide companionship and help as well*a few decades ago, people kept unhappiness hidden, because it wasn’t the done thing to complain about it. I’m not advocating a return to those days and I’m not minimizing the fact that people didn’t have dishwashers or washing machines then, either. What I am saying is that theorizing that SAHMS are self-pitying whiners and that this whining is a new phenomenon fueled by mass media, which is essentially your point, is a) divisive and shows that you really don’t get how hard some moms have it, and b) that you don’t understand that the world has changed in the past several years and that moms are more isolated and have less of a support system than ever before.Either way, this post and the way you’ve phrased it are not so great. And I am generally a big fan of yours. I suspect that the point you might really be trying to make is “Let’s look on the sunny side!” Which is great.
>I’ve had to sit on this one all night because, for me, yeah, it’s that hard. Like others have mentioned, the tasks themselves aren’t hard, and you are doing it for the good of people you love. Of course, it has its rewards too. What makes it hard for me:-there is never time off. No family, no reliable babysitters nearby, hubby works long hours and is generally oblivious. Vacation is just a change of scenery.-It’s demeaning & demoralizing work. You’re basically an unpaid domestic servant, and the really little people don’t consider that peeing on the floor you just mopped or drawing on a freshly painted wall might be rude.-I see volunteering at school & church as one of my obligations. As the stay at home mom, people think nothing of dumping things on me or leaving me holding the bag when they fail to meet their obligations. After all, I have all of this free time…not!-I am a person who values quiet, personal space and intelligent conversation. I rarely get any of the above. All I can say is “thank God for my anti-depressants.”I’ve always been a workaholic. I don’t shy away from hard work and long hours, but this is by far the most physically exhausting and emotionally draining job I’ve ever had. I think it would be much easier for me to work outside the home. My biggest chore would be laundry, which is the one household chore that I like (even though I do mountains of it). However, life is complicated, and it’s not as simple as just going out and getting a job.
>Here is a working mom’s perspective: As I read all of the comments on your blog, I can’t help but wonder what it’s like to be a stay at home mom. I have complete respect for you all and give you lots of kudos for being “on” 24/7. I’m a 28 yr old mother of two who has been at the same company for 7 years. I’m a graphic designer, so I stress out about creative concepts, deadlines, whether my client will buy into what I present, and most of all the politics that go on in the office. At the end of the day, I feel guilty that I have left my girls in daycare for (shock) 10 hours straight. If I could leave that all behind to stay at home and change poopy diapers, I would probably do it in a heartbeat. I took Alex to her first soccer game and felt like there was some underworld mommy group that I wasn’t a part of. They all knew each other, had “mom” groups and sent their children to the best Montesori Schools. I was feeling a ittle awkward and wanted to join in the conversations, but somehow I felt like they would all look down on me because I “work”. So next time you go to one of your games or the park and see that working mom off by herself, try to make her feel welcome. Because trust me, she will have just as many interesting stories as you all do and just want to fit in.
>to the above “anonymous” poster, if you think, in all honesty you do not have to keep constant vigilance on teenagers, you are sadly mistaken. I have 3 boys and my neice I raise. They range in age from 8 – 17. Let me just tell you, I LONG for the days when my biggest worry was peeing in private. Believe me, the job does not get easier, just different.Being a SAHM is emotionally draining, and exhausting at times. But is there anything better to put your energy into? I don’t think so.
>I work and don’t have kids. Still, when I get home I have to do all the household chores SAHMs do – laundry, lawn mowing, cooking, etc. My fiance has a physical job that exhausts him by the time he comes home, so the bulk of the chores fall to me. In summers when I’m not working (I’m a teacher), life is SO much easier! I can get chores done while doing other things. During the school year, it can be a challenge, especially when the days shorten and sunset is at 4:30. I believe SAHM have a hard job – one that requires a lot of concentration – but being out of the house for hours and hours a day and still trying to get everything done is tough, too. I do NOT work as hard as a lot of people, but you try teaching 100 teenagers every day and see how motivated to vacuum the floor you are! ~Amalia~
>I absoultely love how totally honest you are on every subject–regardless of the backlash! Since I have been both a stay at home mom and a full time working mom, I can honestly say the full time working mom is harder. I still have to do everything I always did while at home, only I have to work it in between working 40 hours a week. Being a stay at home mom should be looked at as a gift…of time, which is what all moms need more of.
>”The long and the short is that as a SAHM, you are doing all the things you would have to do no matter what(they are your children, after all). You are just able to do it without the added pressure(or release, depending on your view) of having to work 40 or more hours on top of it all.”Yeah, but when you WOH someone else is doing the childcare thing for 8-10 hours a day. I know many moms who WOH who do it because they NEED that break from their kids. As much as I love them, it’s not easy being with my kids 24/7. As I type this they are fighting with each other in the other room, screaming at the tops of their lungs and I would give anything to be sitting in an office with adults having coffee and talking about The Sopranos ending or Britney Spears’ latest crotch flash.
>I just want to say if you are a stay at home or have to work outside the home, it is all hard. Having kids can be hard work. Be just think of how lucky you are that you can have kids. Think of all the people who can’t have children and would give anything to be in your situation. Give your kids a hug and just be happy.
>I don’t think it’s “hard” or “easy”… it’s just different.Sure, when I stayed at home, I was “on” all the time. Now that I’m a WOHM, I’m still on all the time, I just have different audiences. For me, it was rewarding to go back to work no matter how long it makes the day (up at 5am to bed at midnight and still the house is a disaster).I do miss my afternoon nap though!
>I’ve been on both sides – worked for a year after having my first child, was a stay-at-home mom for 12 years after that (during which time I had my second child), then back to work after those 12 years at home. While I was a stay-at-home mom, I ran a day care in my home with several other children to care for in addition to my own two. And in my opinion, being a stay-at-home mom is 100% better than being a working outside the home mom. One comment said the isolation and lack of respect from others was the hardest – let me tell you that dealing with office politics and temperaments is so much harder! I would take staying at home and doing things on my own schedule instead of working around the whims and wants and desires of others any day.
>I think that once again, this discussion misses the point. You get NO help with the cooking or cleaning? None? Really? Your job SHOULD be even easier, because that man needs to step up and help with that stuff. In my humble, chickenshit anonymous opinion, anyway. I just can’t staaaaaand it when only one person does all the domestic stuff. He lives there too! So do the teenagers!
>Stephanie T. said… “Yeah, but when you WOH someone else is doing the childcare thing for 8-10 hours a day.”Yep, my daycare girl plays with my kids 10 hours a day. That leaves me TWO hours to cook their food, feed them, bathe them, make sure homework/chores, etc are done and put them to bed. How EASY it is for me being that I dont’ *have* to be with them during their PLAY time. I’m sick of playing nice about it, sorry. Lee is right! The only thing that YOU *have* to do that I don’t is play with your kids. And TRUST ME – that ISN’T hard. That isn’t even close to hard. HARD is when you weren’t there for ANY of the times they lost a tooth. HARD is hearing about what a great time they had while you were working all day. HARD is trying to squeeze an ounce of fun out of our two hours every night. I still stand by my first statement that I know everyone has their own problems and limitations – but to say that working moms have it easier because we get BREAKS is just wrong. I really don’t consider my two hour commute every day with my stomach in knots a fking break. And as far as the SAHM’s being “ON 24-7” – why am I not “ON”? I am the one who will have to race home to take them to the doctor if something bad happens, I am the one who needs to stay home and take care of them when they are sick. I am always a mom – I just happen to work ON TOP OF IT ALL.
>”-there is never time off. No family, no reliable babysitters nearby, hubby works long hours and is generally oblivious. Vacation is just a change of scenery.”Don’t worry, honey, I don’t get time off, either. As soon as I walk in the door, I work until I go to bed, then I get up and do it all over again the next day. Yep, NO time at all. And another thing since I’m already ranting and raving:If your idea of working outside the home is discussing BritBrit’s crotch shot – then I don’t think you understand what it means to work a REAL job with REAL obligations and demands. Because I dont’ ever discuss celebrities with my coworkers. I don’t discuss anything but work. I do what I can to make sure I will get out of here on time every night – so I don’t waste my precious time like that.
>anonymous, to be fair, my husband has really stepped up the since the last month of my pregnancy and done a fair share of the cooking- Until recently, Bruiser got fussy around dinnertime (read: screaming crying until I thought I’d lose my mind) and if he hadn’t helped, no one would have eaten.However, he’s a TV reporter and since I used to be one, I know that he’s freaking exhausted, mentally and physically, when he gets home every day. So I get up with the baby at night and I do the cleaning (he does the yard/garage maintenance) and soon, I’ll do all the cooking again.The teenagers? Yes, I wish they were more helpful. And if they were my kids, they would be. I’d make sure of it. But the nuances of being a stepmother are different from those of being a mother, even though I’m raising them. And they never had to even lift a finger until I came along, so it has been a challenge to turn lifetime habits around without being resented for it. Basically, I choose my battles. I would rather have a happy home and pick up a little more after people than live with barely-hidden resentment all day. Of course, when my own children are teens it’s going to be “Get off your bedonkadonk and clean your room NOW.”And I love Stephanie T’s assertion that women who work sit around drinking coffee and discussing Britney Spears all day. That wasn’t my experience at ALL. Where is that business, because I’m turning in an application pronto! Just kidding, Stephanie, I think you’re great. We can agree to disagree.
>Btrfly – you quoted me regarding being constantly on in your last post. I don’t want to debate which is harder. I really just think there are too many variables from one person to the next to even begin to make an assertion one way or another. I can only tell you what my life is like. That said, I do want to expand on the comment you quoted. This is a topic I discuss with my husband frequently, and I want to be sure you understand I’m not talking about “putting your feet up” when I talk about taking some time off. I just mean being allowed to direct your attention to something – anything – else. I was ok until my younger child turned two. She is now five, and she talks. All. Day. Long. About everything, about nothing. Every minor booboo is a major tragedy that involves buckets of tears and boxes of bandaids. She then tries to join us in bed 3 or 4 times a night until I am so tired that I don’t even notice when she crawls in – until I wake with a foot in my ribs. Everything is about my two kids (my son is a first grader with special needs). At least one of them is up my butt in everything I do. It is a joy for me when my husband takes them to the movies so that I can clean toilets in peace. I don’t even talk on the phone at all these days – I can’t hear myself think. Listening to someone else is out of the question.
>Great discussion here! Yes, it depends on a lot of things, like children’s ages and temperaments, mom’s strengths, availability of dad, special needs, and all that jazz. But folks, let’s put it in perspective. There are single moms (and dads) out there, there are soldiers standing guard and being shot at daily, there are women in developing countries who walk miles to get clean water (if it’s available), there are executives whose decisions affect thousands of people daily. That’s stress. Being a SAHM or WAHM is exhausting and it stretches a lot of us to the limit – emotionally and physically. And there are hard days – but that’s not exclusive to being a SAHM! Yes, it’s often thankless. But so are plenty of other jobs. All I’m saying is let’s have some perspective. It may be hard to stay at home with the kids, but the rewards make it worthwhile. And there are plenty of hard jobs out there that lack meaningful reward.I’d challenge any of you who moan about how hard it is to be a SAHM to get a job outside the home. Even if you had the opportunity and resources to do it, I bet most of you wouldn’t. I don’t know about you, but I’m incredibly thankful that I have the privilege to stay at home – and the very opportunity to make that choice. And so, why would I moan and groan about something I’m so thankful to have? Wouldn’t that be hypocritical?
>”And I love Stephanie T’s assertion that women who work sit around drinking coffee and discussing Britney Spears all day. That wasn’t my experience at ALL.”I never said “all day,” but, yeah, when I worked we often spent some time in the morning drinking coffee and chatting a bit. It’s one of the things I miss most about working, the social interaction with adults.I also miss being able to run errands on my lunch break or go have lunch with adults sans kids. I miss being able to take a sick day and not have kids underfoot. (WOHM’s can still send the kids to daycare when they’re sick.)I miss having some peace and quiet and not hearing my 3 y.o. and my 6 y.o. talking/whining/screaming/fighting all.day.long. But mostly I miss the paycheck. I like earning money and contributing to the household income. Spending money I’ve earned feels better to me than spending money my DH’s has earned.But do I miss any of those things enough to go out and look for a full-time job? No. I feel very lucky to be able to stay at home. Most days I love it. But there ARE downsides, just like with anything else, and I think it’s fine that SAHM’s vent occasionally about the not-so-fun parts.
>As a WOHM, I want to thank you for saying this. It seems like with the recent media attention and how a SAHM should be getting paid such a high salary, that us WOHM’s only WOH and do nothing else. For all the SAHM’s that talk about a “break” – that is certainly a “grass is greener” comment. When I’m at work, I’m working constantly, and harder than I used to before I had children because I need to put in extra to make up for when I have to leave early for child related things. Then, after putting in 40 hours (+ commute time), we still have households that need to be run. DH helps out plenty, but there’s still only so many hours to accomplish things in.
>Stephanie T – I know the SAHM moms in my neighbor get together and chat about Brittany’s crotch, I am sorry you don’t have Moms to discuss it with. I work, it’s freaking hard to come home, spend the quality time I want to with my kids, and then after they go to bed do all the chores (I make dinner for the next night, clean, etc). And my job? I don’t get to run errands at lunch. I work a job where I can’t leave my office except to go to the hospital cafeteria. The payoff? I get every other Friday off to spend with my kids.
>Yes anonymous and amy w, I was talking about *my* experiences working and being a SAHM. When I worked I was able to run errands on my lunch break, but I realize not everyone can. And I don’t have moms in my neighborhood to sit around and have coffee with, but I know others do. So I’m not making any blanket statements, which I think is where people get in trouble. I’m just talking about my own personal experiences.
>anonymous who replied to me:I still don’t feel like I get more “time off” than you do. Any time I am not here working (where I am constantly working – or talking about work – or listening to OTHER [extremely annoying] people talk about work. Then I go home and I don’t get any breaks there, either. Hell, my hus doesn’t even take the kids to the movies because we have no time. I’m not here trying to say that WAHM’s do NOTHING – I’m just saying that you don’t have it any worse off than anyone else. When I hear someone who gets to be home all day complain about not having time it makes me WANT TO CRY. Because I don’t even know where to begin to describe what my lack of time has done to my psychological and physical health. And just like WOHM mom above, I don’t get to run errands on my lunch, either. In fact, I rarely ever take a lunch break. I am here to work – that’s what I get paid for. I’m not here chatting or doing *me* things – I’m earning a living so that I can put a roof over my kids’ heads and food in their bellies. This isn’t some grand “escape” for me to “get away” from the kids. I do everything I can to spend every single moment I have with them. That in itself takes effort, let alone all the effort I put into everything else. Then I get to hear people tell me how *lucky* I am to have all these *breaks* and not have to be *on* all the time.
>Again, Btrfly – I was not comparing my life to yours (that’s the plural you) or saying you have more time off than I. Merely stating what it is that I find difficult about staying at home and trying to explain what I mean when I talk about always being “on”. I know what it’s like to be constantly busy at the jobs I’ve held while running a home, but I certainly have no idea what it’s like for you. For me, they were both busy, but the experiences have, nevertheless, been totally different.
>I was just pulling your comment because it was the easiest to copy – I was more responding to others (anyone) who said the same thing. Or stating that in MY life, that is also a problem.
>Anonymous said:”I think that once again, this discussion misses the point. You get NO help with the cooking or cleaning? None? Really? Your job SHOULD be even easier, because that man needs to step up and help with that stuff.”Unless of course, there is no man. Like for the single moms. Or for those married couples who have husbands who travel/deploy.
>Hey baggage, I’m that same anyonymous from yesterday, and you’re right. Single moms are exempt from MY blanket statements. :)With that, I’ll say it again: Where are you people’s husbands?? Why is there not more conversation about how men CAN “have it all” and women can’t? Why do you still “have a household” to run when you get home, and why do you feel guilty for going to work if your husband doesn’t? Why should ANYONE have to choose between having children and having a career – whether they’re male or female?I just feel like many moms with this dilemma do not ask enough of their husbands. Purely anecdotal and judgmental of me, I realize. But seriously. Why do you have to do all the cooking and lunch-making and cleaning when you get home from work? Why is “having it all” even an issue? Anyway. I know it’s a tangent, and I’m sorry. Every SAHM I know says it’s very, very hard. Personally, I would go insane if I were only around children all day long, every day. And I would go even MORE insane if my husband got home from work and plopped into a recliner and didn’t help run his own household.
>I don’t have kids at all, (it’s okay, keep reading) but I did work over 40 hours a week for a year at a daycare, caring for 10 one-year-olds, and it was the most physically exhausting, mind-numbing job I have ever had. (can’t stick a boob in 3 teething kids’ mouths when they aren’t yours!)The upside was all the great hugs and finger-painting.As someone who is thinking about having children within 5-7 years (I am 27,) I don’t know where I fall on this issue.I watched my own SAHM take care of me and my older sister, without the aid of my father (they are married, but he traveled for his job.) To this day, he does not know how to work the washer, dryer, oven, iron his shirts, etc. He never lifted a finger in the house, and sometimes he would mow the outside, but most days he would come home, watch the news, eat dinner, and then go work on his hobbies. My mom also ran a small business out of our home. My father assumed my mother didn’t do anything, and has never gotten respect from him as a SAHM. This has built resentment in their marriage, and now they are co-dependent — her on his salary, and him on her providing his every domestic need. This is mainly why I don’t want to be a SAHM — the lack of respect. Hopefully there is a great guy out there who will split household responsibilities and isn’t a carbon copy of my father.**BUT** I will say I loved those children I cared for at the daycare, and sometimes miss them. I don’t know if I’d rather work or not when I have kids. It was heart-breaking seeing a kid refuse to go home with his mother after spending 10 long hours with me. I felt so bad for the frazzled mom, because she looked crushed.I have come to the conclusion that it is tough all the way around with kids, and that every choice comes with its own special set of advantages and disadvantages.
>butrfly, you’re not at work doing “me” things? then what are you doing on this blog all freaking day long???!!!???i agree its hard to be a wOHM mother who has to come home and “work” more. I agree its hard to be a SAHM to be on 24/7. Both have advantages and disadavantages.butrfy, I’ve seen you on a few different blogs. Stop trying to stir it up.
>Anon- are you stalking me?Let’s not play the “what are you doing on blogs, then?” game or I could turn it right back around at you….who’s watching the kids while YOU are on the computer? None of my business, right? I’m sure they’re napping or doing something else that gives you a quick second to hop on and check some blogs. Just like I get those quick couple of minutes once in a while at work.I am a very agreeable person. My original stance was a very vanilla “Life is hard for everyone” – I was only informing the people who choose to believe my life is easier that it is in fact NOT. If I am the one trying to stir things up, why are you anonymously taking jabs at me? I think maybe you’re a little bit hypocritical, no?
>defensive much?i didn’t say anything about not having any me time. i didn’t even say if i’m a WOHM or if i’m a SAHM.i’m not the one complaining butrfly.i’m sick of you and your negative comments. poor you poor you.you’re not even a mom.
>Unfortunately, I am a working mother.I feel there are probably things that are difficult from both sides.I would kill to stay at home with my children. I just feel that is where I should be and believe me I am always scheming of ways to make it happen.
>Just full of spite and hate, aren’t you?Yes, actually, I am a mom. I raise two kids and I have a beautiful daughter in heaven. I’m more of a mom than you’ll ever be you sad, beastly creature.I don’t give a shit what kind of mom you are – or if you are a mom at all. You’re a fucking anonymous troll – you can take shots at people as long as they can’t find you, huh?FUCK YOU, you sad little loser.
>Lindsay, I must agree w/ you. I have worked outside the home (not by choice, I got laid off) and now I am at home. It is not that hard, it sucks b/c of the loneliness but playing w/ your own child and teaching them is not hard. I agree w/ those who have said that it is difficult being “on” all the time.
>I truly believe it is the most difficult, demanding and relentless thing I have ever done, however, I think trying to decide if being a SAHM is easy is irrelevant. The amount of support you have, and a whole host of other variables from sleep habits to personality come into play as well. Not to mention if you’re combining being the primary caregiver with other pursuits. (I’m also a full-time student.)A mom of 4 once remarked that my extremely active single child is equal to parenting 3 of her kids.
>Sorry, and I don’t mean to offend, but this debate sounds a little silly to me. If you heard someone say, “I’m a waitress and I think waitressing is easy. I don’t know what the fuss is all about” Or “Working in sales isn’t as hard as everyone says,” what would you think? I think there are a whole range of experiences and just because we identify ourselves as the same thing (waitresses or salespeople or SAHMs) doesn’t mean we’re comparing apples to apples. KWIM?
>I stayed home for the first 3 months after my daughter was born, and I spent every day being either totally bored or totally stressed out. When my husband got home, I practically threw the baby at him. I won’t say it’s the hardest job in the world, but it’s definitely not for me.
>And yet, Surcie, I could say “waitressing is generally harder than hostessing” and most people would agree with me. Say that being a SAHM is not the hardest job in the world, though, and people flip out.
>Wow! You set it off with this one. I’m not a typical SAHM because on top of being at home, I homeschool 5 kids full-time and run a growing business out of my home. Some days, hard as hell. Other days, we’re playing and I don’t care about the dishes or the laundry. Make YOUR bed and just lie in. Being pitiful and complaining (no matter what you) is a waste of time.
>I do see your point. And technically, being a SAHM is not the most difficult job I’ve had. (I’ve had some thankless SOBs for bosses!) But in this “job,” there is so much more at stake–so much depends on me. That’s what makes it such a challenge for me–that and the lonliness.Is isolation an issue for you, Lindsay?
>Sorry! I just remembered the whole paragraph you wrote about isolation. Would you consider posting about how you’ve met friends? I’ve been to a few meetings of local moms groups as well as play groups and I haven’t really found moms with whom I feel free to be myself. (And they don’t blog!)
>Completely and totally disagree. You can’t make a generalized assumption such as this without knowing each person’s personal story.Would you say “I don’t think going to a job is hard? It is so easy!” But maybe someone has the boss from hell, works 99 hours a week with no pee breaks, feels stifled and sits next to the bathroom in a cube.For you? Maybe. But you shouldn’t guess these types of things until you walk a mile in someone else’s shoes, or at least met their kids. Because, let me tell you, kids are different (big duh, right?) and all it takes is an extremely strong-willed child to turn that thinking around.
>Not hard, per se, just monotonous and can be really maddening–like when they all fight, and the cat throws up on the rug, and the phone rings and you have to be at a doctor’s appt in 15 minutes. The little buggers can just wear you down. But, I also decided to homeschool my three, so I can’t be struggling with the maintenance of things too badly.
>I think MUCH depends a lot on the mom, whether said mom has a few disabilities herself or not, and whether or not she has twins ;)It’s easy to say something looks easy from the outside. I felt the same myself before I had kids…gawd, how hard could it be? I had no clue. I’m not sure this discussion is going to go anywhere since the whole question was framed in such a polarizing way.
>First of all, why are people birthing SIX KIDS? Save a kid from an orphanage if you’re really interested in raising more than a couple kids. Second, if you’re actually eager to overpopulate the world by birthing that many kids, then PLEASE don’t complain and PLEASE do a great job.
>I said this a couple of weeks ago in passing on my “10 Things that Piss Me Off About Blogging” post. SO TRUE.Too many of us (and I say us, because I’m guilty of it too) is that we overthink little things.
>I think you’re right, Karen! I’ve been a little surprised at the outrage and indignation from some commenters, and the admonitions on how I “should have” phrased this statement. But if I’d phrased it your way, it wouldn’t really be what I think anymore, would it? Because I don’t think it’s only true “for me.” I think it’s true for a lot of SAHMs. Certainly not all, but a lot.The utopian ideal of mommyblogging is that we’re revolutionaries, unafraid to share our true feelings and experiences. But I still see a total pack mentality among us. Straying outside the group consensus (like I did in this post) is like tripping a fire alarm. A LOT of people said I shouldn’t have written this- but don’t we all have thoughts like this from time to time, thoughts that might be unpopular, but we think them nonetheless? And wouldn’t the truly revolutionary thing be to write them down and open the discussion? I don’t see this as a “polarizing statement.” I’m not saying I’m right and you’re wrong. I just thought it was interesting and wanted to hear other people’s takes on it. And what’s so wrong with that?
>I have been on both the sides. I was a SAHM for five years and now I am a WOHM. My personal experience has been that staying at home was definitely much easier though I am not stay-at-home material. Though I do make working out of home “work” (even if I say so myself), only I know how much I and the husband have to juggle things to be able to keep things sane on all fronts. Working out of home is easier on my nerves though, as I am not the only one running around taking my daughter to her extra-curricular activities and meeting deadlines now – earlier it was only me since I was at home and supposedly had “all the time in world” 😀
>Me again…it’s pretty late so I can’t quite respond to this the way I want to but here goes…What I meant by polarizing was the point another commenter brought up, that it’s just the way you phrased it–it had a tinge of implicit assumption that SAHMs somehow have it easier than working moms. All things being equal–perhaps. But things are not equal. I have a naturally low energy level. I always have. I’m guessing you don’t, because the very nature of your job as a reporter would have required at least a normal energy level. (I know, because I tried it as an intern). My husband also works hundreds of miles away, so this means I am literally “on” a lot with no breaks whatsoever, and I have no family here to help. Throw in twins and some other medical problems that make me even more exhausted and you have a perfect recipe for burnout. This is what makes it so hard.The idea of parenting special needs kids was also brought up briefly. Those people are “excused” from judgment. That’s nice, but there are other situations out there that can complicate an otherwise normal trip down mommyhood lane too…like having multiples. Working moms are often bitter about the fact that they “don’t have a choice” when it comes to putting their kids in daycare, and I am here to tell you I don’t have a choice when it comes to being a SAHM, either. Not really. Just do the math. Most of my paycheck would be eaten up just paying for the daycare. So though I am technically staying home for the benefit of my twins–it’s not like I have a choice, either. It would be financially insane. (Oh, and before anybody jumps on me about how I “should have thought about that before I had IVF,”–I didn’t. Completely random, not even a history of twins in the family).As I said before, much depends on the temperament of the mom and the kids. I have a temperament such that it doesn’t take much at all to stress me out. I am one of those people that got stressed easily on the job, too. It sucks, but it’s the way it is.The last thing I take issue with is the idea that the media somehow portrays SAHMing as hard–what are you watching? Because everything I see in magazines and ads on TV make it seem like the opposite, like you’re a freak if you find being a mom difficult. Perhaps this is what others are noticing when they say we’re more isolated than we were decades ago (incidentally I believe we are, for a variety of reasons. Yes, even with the advent of the internet). It certainly feels like it.I was wrong about this discussion not going anywhere, though…it’s been really interesting.
>Okay, I don’t have kids. This opinion can be way off base because I don’t have any progency, but bear with me. I am a teacher – a high school English teacher. I work with kids all day long, and I love it. I also love lunch time because I can have some adult conversation! Kids are great, but I don’t think I could be with them 24/7. Not to mention I spent a lot of money on my education, and I’m good at what I do. It may be selfish to WANT to go back to work after having a child, but if I did, I think I would. Sure, I’d miss out on a portion of my child’s life, but I’d be getting more out of mine at the same time. I’d be able to reach more than one person – in an average day, I reach at least sixty young minds in a positive manner. Would I give that up for just one, even if that one was my very own child? No way. ~Amalia~
>Though it may be very easy for you, and it is for me (one child, great sleeper, sweet disposition, no longer exclusively pumping) that doesn’t mean it would be easy for someone else. I don’t think other people are exaggerating or lying necessarily to make things seem more difficult for them. It just really is, even if you don’t think it would be for you, or it should be.
>”From the sound of many of these comments, being a SAHM is basically a horrible job. And I just wonder if everyone would be complaining so much if Oprah and company didn’t say we all had a right to.”I think there is a difference between “hard” (which is somewhat vague–exhausting? challenging? hard labor?) and miserable/horrible.I have often wondered the same thing…and, to add to that:I think that the discussion stems from the hope that we will feel better about ourselves (we are not alone! someone else just left the kids in PJs and fed them cold pizza today, too!) but it may end up feeding into the misery. Rather than feeling okay about occasionally being less than perfect, you start to think, “If everyone else is unhappy, I just realized I am, too. And I am going to commiserate…” and you end up feeling worse.
>I think “hard” is a poor choice of wording as it can be completely subjective, just like peoples’ various tolerances for pain. I can stick my arm out and have blood drawn with a straight face, but my twice-my-size husband will be likely to pass out.So, while some people may not consider being a SAH parent the most difficult job they’ve ever had, it may be something they find incredibly draining. Running a cash register is pretty dang easy in the scheme of things, but I consider it HARD because I hate interacting with people non-stop. Others love doing the customer service schtick, however when I had to do it I watched the clock nonstop until I went home.I think it’s pointless trying to set difficulty levels on being at home vs. not – like Motherhood Uncensored’s Kristin said: apples and oranges.
>I came to this post a little late, but I really need to make a few comments! I am 35 weeks pregnant with my first and getting ready to go on maternity leave. So I may be completely off base and you can take that for what it is – I’m not a parent yet and I could be in for a very nasty surprise. But, I have a great career that I love and can’t imagine not working after I have the baby. My plans are to stay at home for three months, and then the baby will (hopefully) be with grandma, if she can sell her house and get moved here in time. Otherwise, I just have to trust our ability to find reliable childcare, and to juggle our work schedules a bit. First, my observations – I have two SIL’s that are SAHM to their 5 children. These are nice people, but they drive me crazy. The children are clingy, needy, whiney and rude – both to their moms and to others. The kids take their moms for granted and just assume that mommy is always available. But I don’t blame the kids, I blame the moms – who have set NO BOUNDARIES with them. The moms have overscheduled their kids so that they have enslaved themselves to the endless cycles of running around to soccer games, ballet lessons, etc. I’m not saying that kids shouldn’t have outside activities, but really, can’t moms set a few limits with these so that they don’t doom themselves to constant taxi service? Wouldn’t this be a little easier?My SIL’s also don’t discipline or really yell, either. Everything is a polite negotiation. Asking a three year old what he wants for dinner is pure madness. You fix dinner and everyone eats it. Period. End of story. Why do we give small children choices that they are unequipped to make? Why don’t we discipline them and make sure they know their manners and are able to show respect for themselves and others? Pooping and smearing is not acceptable! And I don’t understand how SAHM can’t find reliable childcare for an afternoon or three a week. You ask around. You do some research. You make it happen. Buy (or swap)yourself a little “you time”. Turn yourself off from being a mom a few hours a week and go just “BE” somewhere with yourself. Why the guilt and excuses? Just do it. You’ll be happier. The job might not seem quite so difficult. You may have some brilliant ideas during this down time that will make your life easier.Now, for the SIL that had two kids and raised them both as a single working parent – the kids are polite, they know how to do their own laundry, and are just all-around great kids that I truly enjoy being with. They never assume that mom can do it for them. They are self reliant and creative. And as for my SIL, I’m actually able to have an intelligent, coherent conversation with her. The SAHM SIL’s – their brains are mush at this point. Their entire being is wrapped up in their kids. Blank stares if you bring up politics or current events or investing or the arts. But they sure can tell you about the advantages of the diaper genie.I guess my points here are that we create our own reality. We make it as hard as we make it – whether you work outside the home or stay home. There are always going to be trade offs and sacrifices. Parenting is both a skill and an art, and not all of us are equipped with the same talents and strengths. I am not trying to rag on SAHM’s. These are just my observations, both within my own family and working in a public service capacity where I see moms and kids all day long acting out their various dysfunctions. I just think that moms need to step up and take care of themselves and their sanity FIRST – otherwise how are we going to raise good kids? Thanks for indulging me the long comment…
>Being a SAHM is not harder than anything else, it just depends on who is doing the job and what the factors are. Face it folks, we live in a society where we have overstretched our limits, so no matter what job you have, you are probably stressed out and living beyond your limits. I think that the complaining that SAHMs do is validated just like anyone else in any other job. A lot of people who haven’t done it think it must be a cakewalk, but there are bad points to any job, just as there are rewards as well. I think SAHMs just want to be acknowledged as people who do contribute greatly to society and who do work hard, not people who sit on their ass eating bon bons and watching soaps all day. That being said, there are some SAHMs that would like to think their job is harder than anyone else’s, when that simply isn’t true of ANY job in general, it all depends on who you are and the individual factors. I have done both SAHM and WOHM, and I have to say WOHM is harder for me. I have a job where I work for family so my kids go to work with me. So not only am I worrying about the task at hand at work, I also have to take care of my kids at the same time, which is difficult. I am also in school, all three of my kids are under the age of six, I am pregnant with my fourth and all of my pregnancies are high risk, and my husband has severe medical issues; so basically, I kill myself everyday trying to make it to bedtime. Is it hard? Yes, it is! But, I tend not to complain about it, b/c I have made my choices in life and I am happy with those choices. Just always there is someone out there that has it harder than you. The things that bothers me is, why does it matter if something is hard? It doesn’t give it more value. I would much rather my life be simpler than me be killing myself to accomplish all these things sometimes, being hard isn’t what makes the things I do valuable to me. As far as people respecting what you do? Who cares? If you enjoy and value what you do it shouldn’t matter what other people think. I just think people need to have a little more perspective on things. Yes, you may have it hard, but someone else out there has it worse than you. I would much rather be here working my ass off than in some third world country trying to find some way to keep my kids from starving to death. Vent when you need to, then when you have calmed down count your blessing, b/c in the end that is what important, which I am sure everyone realizes. Have a good day all!mom in KY
>You DO know how to start a discussion!
>How can anyone say what is harder or easier for someone else?? Maybe being a SAHM is easy for some people. Maybe working outside the home is easier for others. It depends on the mother, the partner and the child. Not to mention the impact of socio-economic status. The reality is that making a choice between being a working or SAHM is a luxury that most women don’t have the privilege of making. I work, but I work from home. Which means I am pretty much a full-time mom and a full-time employee. I squeeze in work before my daughter wakes up, after she’s gone to bed and during naps and random babysitting episodes. My husband is a police officer, which means that sometimes he’s home but often he’s working unpredictable and very long hours. My daughter has some special needs, which can make spending all day, every day with her exhausting and overwhelming. Would working outside the home be easier? Would being strictly a SAHM be easier? I have no idea. I do what I do because it is the best – and only – choice for our family. It’s more than just a little self-centred to assume that your own experience is indicative of the experiences of all women. True happiness comes from people seeking their own truth and finding their own place in the world. What’s “easy” shouldn’t really come into it.
>Ask me in two weeks. I will officially start my SAHMdom.
>Agree. I think when people say “hard” they mean boring, tedious, monotonous, redundant…It’s much harder to raise kids and work at the same time, but I am much happier now that I’m doing that!
>I’m a working, SINGLE mom, and SO tired of hearing the whining from single moms about how hard that is. It’s just life, and sometimes life is hard. Sometimes it isn’t. What’s important is making a decision to enjoy it.BTW, I think being a single mom is easier than it was being a married mom. That’s a lot of time I’m not spending picking up after/cooking for/trying to please a hubby. 😉 But nobody ever says that.
>I wrote a response to this post on:http://doctorjennyg.blogspot.com/2007/06/i-recently-read-blogsplosion-of.html
>I am a SAHM to a 7,5 and 2 year old. What is “hard” for me is the feeling I am a single parent because my husband’s job keeps him gone so much. I’m on my own 24/7 for pretty much the entire week and get no breaks. When the weekend rolls around we try and do things as a family but there isn’t much time for me to be by myself or relax. When I worked (my girls were younger and I worked until the 2 year old was born), we shared the housecleaning and child care equally at night and on weekends and my husband was not gone. Besides the fact I have 2 kids with medical issues which add to my concern and “workload”. Of course, I cannot imagine doing this and working! I would have to hire someone to help me out because my husband is gone and can’t. I just need a break now and then….I’m worn out!
>I know I’m coming in way late on this conversation, but my own SAHM experience compelled me to research online to see if others had my experience. For me, it’s rather nice — both my kids are in elementary school now, offering me 6 hours a day, Monday through Friday, of peace, quiet, and solitude. I’m a very “Type B” personality who isn’t afraid of being alone for an extended period of time, so that’s probably why I enjoy it as it currently is. Back when they were both babies (they’re only 20 months apart in age) it was far rougher on me, but now methinks me likes it, LOL! 🙂
>I gotr into a discussion with my wife about SAHM/SAHD being the hardest jobs. And in fact she indicates that being a SAHM/SAHD is harder than going to any job.I certainly believe that all SAHM/SAHD should get the respect they deserve! I do believe that it is not fair nor is it accurate to indicate that it is the hardest job out there.There are to many entangibles to come up with a fair analysis. In comparison. I have been in the Army for 21 years and spent 12 months in Iraq. I would challenge any stay at home mother to switch places and see which one would be easier. Besides,, when I see a SAHM/SAHDs that have died in the line of duty then I would be more inclined to agree that it is as hard as being a Soldier, or police officer.Once again,, I do believe that it is challenging to some to be a stay at home mom or Dad.
>Why do you feel the need to insult others inorder to make yourself feel better?If you like your job (being a SAHM) that’s great. If you feel it works for your life and therefor isn’t hard for you, even better. That means that for you, you don’t find your job that impossible.But how the hell does your experience in your life with your family and your choices have anything to do with other moms and their choices? How can you look at your own job and profess to tell someone else how hard or easy theirs is? Can’t you just be satisified that you’ve worked out a balance that works for YOU?I’ve done both – currently I am the single mother of three pursuing a full time career AND two part time ones. To be truthful, for me, being a SAHM WAS harder because THAT job never ended and was full of stuff that I hated to do (like cleaning toilets and grocery shopping… YUCK!). For me, I found that in my own life, it was much EASIER for me to hire someone else to clean my house and do my grocery shopping and laundry so that I could go to my regular job and then be home to enjoy my children when I’m not working and they aren’t at school (I don’t consider quality time with my kids as work).For me, being home all day to do all the chores WAS hard. Even in comparison to three jobs.But I would never profess to tell another single mother working three jobs that “it’s not that hard!” – her experience is bound to be far different than mine.As moms, all I see is women tooting their own horns about how great they are and what they do and why it’s not that hard and why can’t everyone else do what I do.It’s precisely that attitude that prevents women from asking for help and understnading that it’s totally normal to sometimes loose your temper, sometimes burn the dinner, sometimes NOT want to drive to 10 practices this week and sometimes feel like locking the baby in the closet (even if you’d never do it).If we were all a little bit more honest in our frustrations and a little less obsessed with being perfect and better than everyone else, we might find we are all more successful.
>Nikki, I hope that insulting me in your comment made you feel better. Cheers!
>I agree with another poster who said it depends greatly on the child(rens) temperaments. My son is very spirited, to put it nicely. There are days when he has me in tears. No matter what I do, that little fart challenges me. When daddy is home, he’s a perfect angel. If a sitter is watching him or even family members, he’s a perfect angel. Leave him alone with me, and he’s seeing just how far he can push mommy before she breaks. So yes, most days, I’m ready to sit down and cry and long for the days when I worked a 9-5 job. I’m glad it’s easy for you, but you have to remember, that it’s not so for everyone.
>It’s actually not easy for me, not by a long shot. But it’s also not the hardest job in the world. In fact, I’d say it’s one of the best. Most moms would agree with me and with that in mind, perhaps some of us (uh, myself included?) need to stop complaining quite so much… I’m just sayin’.