>More from the SAHMdom
>You have a great discussion going in the previous post; feel free to continue it. I’d love to hear from some more working moms on this issue, even anonymously. This post is more of a comment on what you’ve all been saying, but I wanted to make sure that everyone who’s interested reads it to know where I’m coming from.
First off, my statement isn’t some grand proclamation on the state of stay-at-home motherhood. It’s something that’s been kicking around in the back of my mind for a while that seemed like a cardinal sin to say aloud. I would ask some of you who’ve gotten the most ruffled: Why is it okay to say that being a SAHM is hard, but it’s not okay to say it’s not that hard? Anyway, I think of all of you not as a bunch of people polarized on various sides of an issue, but instead as a (very) extended table at Starbucks and I thank (most of) you for reacting in the same way. Anyone who knows me in real life knows I have friends from all beliefs and all walks of life. I don’t agree with a lot of things my friends say, but I enjoy discussing their opinions and I’m doing the same thing here. Unless you insult me, we’re cool. And even if you do insult me, if you come back and apologize, we’re still cool. I hope you feel the same way about me.
That said, I’m a little disappointed that being a SAHM is coming across in the comments as this miserable, lonely job. I disagree that SAHMs are more isolated now than ever before. I think that was true ten years ago, but the attention and resources that are being devoted to moms now, not to mention the Internet, are doing a lot to change that. Of course, it’s up to you to find friends, but I swear you can do it (E-mail me if you need some ideas, because I started out with zero mom friends.). You might have to go out on a limb and become friends with women you have nothing in common with but your children, but I can tell you from experience that some of those women could easily end up becoming your closest friends over time. I worry that with all this complaining, we lose sight of the larger picture, the fact that raising our kids ourselves can be a lot of fun, that all the hard work has a much greater payoff than receiving a fat check, and that following the rhythm and simplicity of a child’s life can be much less stressful than, say, a television newsroom, where I used to work, or a fast food job where you’re constantly being treated like crap by the customers or a construction job, where you’re exposed to intense heat and cold.
I believe there’s a very real danger in focusing too much on the negative aspects of your life. When I started this blog anonymously two years ago, I used it as sort of a confessional. I vented all my feelings about being a stepmom and a new mom, thinking it would make me feel better. And I was so wrong. Writing all those feelings out made them more real somehow. I felt worse after I wrote those posts. Much worse. Conversely, when I wrote something funny, I felt much better. And so I started writing humorous posts. And you know what? Over time, my entire outlook changed. I began looking for the humor in the situations I was in, rather than the outrage. Many times, I didn’t see the humor at all until I started writing about them. Only through my writing was I able to laugh about the veiled insults tossed at me by certain first wives, or about the time my husband told me I gain weight like a man, or about the hate mail I receive from time to time writing for the Scene. After nearly two years of looking for the funny side of things that aren’t always funny, I’m literally a different person now. A happier person, even in a situation in which many people would not trade places with me in a million years. So I really advocate doing what you need to do to stay positive, even if it’s as simple as writing down ten things you’re grateful for every day.
Hopefully, that clarifies things a bit for you. I realize that some of you have special needs children or are suffering from depression and in those cases, I hereby exempt you from my statement. I’ve seen how hard it can be raising a special needs or disabled child and I really, really feel for you. And if you’re depressed, I think any situation you find yourself in would be the hardest thing in the world to deal with. But for all those moms out there raising kids under ordinary, run-of-the-mill circumstances, I still say it’s not that bad. In fact, it can be pretty cool. And for those of you who’ve sassily told me that raising teenagers is not the same as raising small children and that I have it so much easier than you do raising your four small children, let me tell you, you have got a real treat in store for you in eight to ten years! When you find yourself reminiscing about the good old days when they were small, I promise I won’t be snickering off in the distance somewhere.
>I think what ruffled some feathers was that you seemed to be making a blanket statement about all SAHM’s. If you had just said you personally don’t find being a SAHM hard and left off the part about…”certainly not as hard as many bellyaching moms in magazines and on TV and the Internet (no, I’m not talking about anyone specifically!) would have us believe.” …I think you still could have made your point without assuming you know how easy or hard other SAHM’s have it.In my experience being a SAHM is sometimes hard and it’s sometimes lots of fun. I just don’t think we have to be all Pollyanna-ish and be afraid to speak about the hard parts of it. Be can talk about both the positive and the negative aspects.
>lol… I will be snickering at anyone who thinks teens are easier. May karma not be too hard on them. It’s true though, I think alot of people are just happier if they have something to complain about. But to each her own, life is what you make it for yourself.Thanks for a great topic, your ears must have been ringing last night, I broght it up as a time killer during our rain out at little league.
>”following the rhythm and simplicity of a child’s life”—Yes, that was what I loved most about my 12 years as a SAHM! When I returned to teaching last fall, I quickly began to miss a few things: the mornings when I stayed in my jammies (snuggling with a toddler), the blessing of not needing to call-in-sick when a child became ill at 3am, meeting my mommy pals for coffee as we fed nibbles of muffin to our babies. However….my children are in elementary/middle/high school now. My house is quiet during the day (makes me a bit sad). I’m lucky to be home by 3pm or earlier, to juggle the time crunch of dance class/baseball/football/dinner. My days as a SAHM taught me to be my own boss, to identify my strengths and weaknesses, to create a form to our days and switch it around as needed. And I’m glad I got involved with organizations such as MOPS and made friends while dusting off a few skills.Lindsey, you’re right about the teenage years (and we’re just getting started here)! When the children were small, I was physically exhausted from the caretaking –I don’t mean to simplify this thought so completely, but go with me for a minute—, then they are becoming teens, the exhaustion is so mental. It is a different ballgame. I look at my 6ft tall son, the one who isn’t so into being hugged anymore, and I’m thankful that I sat with him through all those Barney episodes when he was 3. They seem like the good ‘ole days! But I know that my perspective has a lot of influence on that statement 🙂 {}Chrissy
>No, I actually agree with the whole thing still. Maybe it seemed like a blanket statement, but I didn’t feel like it was meant to offend. You really do hear women all the time saying “Nobody ever appreciates me – I do all the work around here – this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done!” While “hard” is a debatable term, I really don’t think SAHM’s have it harder than anyone else.Well, coming from MY standpoint: I’m sitting at work, (okay, I’m taking a break – first of the day) getting yelled at (literally!) because the CUSTOMER messed up their instructions and I was covering for two other people for a week and now they want their stuff NOW, so I literally have people YELLING at me and telling me I need to stay as long as it takes to get it done cuz BLAH blah blah. I was a lot more passive in the last post when I mentioned this, but I spend fifty freaking hours a week away from home. Here. Where I am completely unappreciated, overworked and have expectations that I just can’t meet anymore. My kids? They are at the beach. My best friend has them, her baby and her other charge playing at the beach all day. Where the hell do you think I’d rather be? I’m actually crying writing this. You think it’s so hard BEING there, try NOT being there. They aren’t even my birth kids and it absolutely kills me that someone else gets all the fun time with them and all I get is “Clean your room” “Take a shower” and other “chore” time. (Add in that their birth mom just got more visitation and I have even LESS time. )And we still have to do all the housework, yardwork, vehicle work, etc (hus works the same hours I do). Lindsay – I’ve always loved your sense of humor. This post right here is what keeps me coming back to your blog – the fact that you DO find humor in things that probably weren’t that funny when they happened. I am fighting depression now and you never fail to give me a good laugh when I need it.
>As a mom with a teenager and a 3 year old, let me just say that the 3 year old is *emotionally* much easier to deal with. The 13 year old is *physically* much easier to deal with. There’s great joy in not having to wipe your kid’s ass anymore, but worrying about what they’re doing at parties sucks royally.
>My experience as a SAHM has been difficult for reasons not related to my child or the fundamentals of being a SAHM — my partner is seriously, chronically ill and therefore our income has been in jeopardy, I am like a single mother with two children instead of one, etc. But in the months before she became ill, and my SAHM experience was pretty much like most people’s, I have to say that it’s a bit like being dropped off in a country where you don’t speak the language very well and there are barriers to communication with the rest of the world. Or like boot camp. (I have experienced both of those things.) Once I got through the first few months, it became easier, but then illness struck and has skewed the numbers a bit. I have to say that I think if it were not for the illness, it would not be that hard, not any harder than working (and not having children at home, or having help with them), just different. Being a SAHM has its own special gripes, and it is like being on-call 24/7 — you never truly get a day off unless you make special arrangements (if you are lucky enough to be able to do that), and even then you are still the go-to in case of emergency. But that’s my particular case, and I only have one child who is pretty easygoing about most things. (We were going to have more but now the illness prevents us from doing so.) I think the SAHM experience varies widely based on each person’s situation. In a couple of years I will no longer be a SAHM, I will be a nurse, and I may be a full-fledged single mother by then. Then I can respond to a different set of questions…
>I also like the line about “following the rhythm and simplicity of a child’s life.” Staying home with my kids is definitely less stressful than keeping a work schedule. I find especially when my kids are sick, I am so intensely grateful that I can stay up all night with a vommiting toddler without trying to fit into an employment schedule the next day.
>I think you rock. I’m not a blogger. I just read blogs. I wish I would have found your blog earlier. I am a stepmom as well. I have 4 step children that live with me full time, whom I raise full time. They have no contact with thier bio mom. I would say stepmothering is hard. Dealing with the emotional angst of a teenager who you didn’t have a chance to see grow up or cuddle when they were little is very hard. Everythime my teenage stepdaughter has a meltdown I am always wondering if it was me?!? Is she still going to love me? Does she have any clue how much I love her?? I’m sure you can feel for me. I’d love to hear more about your mothering techniques, and maybe I’ll get some tips on how to deal with teenage angst=)
>Speak it Sister! I know that motherhood is hard. I have a son who never, ever shuts up. Period. He is fantastic, but exhausting. But, I agree whole heartedly with you. Often you create your own reality. If you focus on the negative, then you get negative. If you focus on the positive or the funny, then you get funny. I too am feeling that motherhood is so much better since I began blogging. I no longer feel so isolated, I feel that others can relate and I can share my funny, sad, or happy stories and others are in the same situations.I feel so lucky to be able to set my own routine most days. Is motherhood hard? Yes. Do I love it? Yes. Do I hate it? Sometimes. But is it the hardest job ever? No. My husband daily goes out to protect our safety. He is never sure if he’ll come home in the evening. I’d say his job is way harder than mine.Reality. It is what you create.
>i stress because i can’t ever seem to keep the place clean, but it’s still SO MUCH better to me than working in an office i hated and feeling stuck there. i don’t feel stuck now. even when it’s its most difficult, i feel a freedom i’ve never felt before.and who says we have to take the hard road just because it’s hard. if your life is harder than mine, well, are you then the winner?! i don’t want that trophy.anyway. i’m not even going back to work. ever, if i can help it. ok, that’s not exactly true. i do work at home doing editing for a company i used to work for and i’ll do that as long as they need me. but i’m not going back to an office job. i’ll stay home and manage the house. once my kids are both in school, i’m going to learn spanish. and take some sort of martial arts classes. and get in really good shape. and learn more about photoshop and photography. and bake bread. for once, i’ll have some time for me, even if it is just a couple of hours a day when i’m not cleaning or playing chauffeur. then i’m going to have it easy. and i’m going to relish it, luxuriate in it, and thoroughly enjoy it. so na-na booga.
>I don’t know, Lindsay – as the mom of 4 teens, I think you should be allowed just a little snickering! I loved both posts. Thanks for writing them!
>I really like that you’ve opened up this discussion here. I read your post and the then 62 comments that were attached to it yesterday, and I’ve been mulling my answer over in my head ever since then.First, I gotta say that as far as what you said about finding the positive in every day and in situations where you normally would fly off the handle, you’re bang on. I really started practicing that when my mother was dying, and it’s a way of life for me now. There are times, yes, when I just freak the fuck right out, but there are also times when I can stop in the middle of some crisis and just laugh. Now, to answer your question from yesterday (sorry, I’m here now and I’m too lazy to click back to the original post). I think it really depends on the person and on the child(ren). As you probably know, I’m a SAHM to two 4 and under, but quite honestly, my son (who will be 2 in Aug) is a two-for-one combo. Having him around is like having two kids around, seriously. He is just NONSTOP all. day. long. I’ve often said, since having him, that being a SAHM is the hardest thing I’ve ever done but when I think about that — really think about it — what I think is the hardest thing about spending the majority of my days with my two kids is having to bounce back and forth between their two very different personalities. My kids are very, very different and sometimes I find it really hard to give them both what they need, as children and as individuals. Do you know what I mean?But really, I love what I do and to be honest, I honestly don’t think I could work full time and then come home and take care of meals, the house, kids, extra-curricular activities, yard work, time with my husband, time for myself…etc. I will say, though, that being a SAHM is the most exhausting thing I’ve ever done in my life. I have never been so tired in my life!
>I’ve been a SAHM for almost 18 years and it’s been a lot of fun. The job I left to stay home with the kids was very demanding with 14 hour days when a big project was going on and going into work in the middle of the night 2-3 times a week when I was on call. My boss was incompetent and the office politics were beyond annoying — so, whenever SAHMhood would get me down, I would just think about how happy I was to be not working there anymore. I am a very easygoing person married to another easygoing person with two easygoing kids so that has made it much easier and I have always loved the activity; baseball games, swim meets, golf tournaments, tennis matches, band concerts, etc., etc. I don’t stress over homework, what they eat, bedtimes — as long as they are healthy and happy. (they are, even though they drink Gatorade with high fructose corn syrup) My sister-in-law is always exhausted and crabby with three little kids, so I think it depends on the person. She likes everything just so in her house which just doesn’t happen very often, plus she likes plenty of time to herself and hates dragging around to all the activities. I’m nearing the end of my child-rearing as my oldest will be applying to college in the fall and everything he does next school year will be the “last”, so perhaps I am getting too nostalgic, but I will never regret staying home. (maybe I will if my husband leaves me and I have no money and have to eat cat food)
>I totally agree with Butrfly4404. Staying home can be hard smetimes, but NOT being home is way way worse! My twins learned to read without me. They learned to color in the lines without me. They’ve gone on field trips without me.So, yeah, I’d much rather be at home. Give me the cleaning, the taxi-ing, all of it, cuz guess what? When my 10 hour day away from home is over, I get to do all of that anyway!
>”Why is it okay to say that being a SAHM is hard, but it’s not okay to say it’s not that hard?”I think the problem occurs when you leave off the words “for me.” Being a SAHM isn’t hard *for you* — it may be hard for someone else. I find that people take offense when someone presumes to speak for them, or appears to belittle someone else’s experience.
>I have to admit that my feathers were a bit ruffled and I haven’t been sure how to respond. But I think b.e.c.k.’s comment immediately prior to mine hit the nail on the head. I worked away from home for the first seven months of my son’s life while my husband SAHDed during the day and finished his doctoral dissertation during the night. When he got a job it was my turn to stay home. For me, working was emotionally much easier (despite the fact that I’m a United Methodist pastor) because I’m an off-the-chart extrovert and I need to be in conversation with adults as much as possible. I’ve gotten used to the SAHM gig and I wouldn’t have it any other way, but it’s taken a lot of time for me to feel that way, and to hear someone say it’s “not that hard” belittles the difficulty I’ve had making the adjustment.
>I don’t have an answer to your question. I haven’t had to work outside the home while having children. And the last time that I did work outside the home, I was a different person, much younger and good looking, and therefore did not find it to be terribly difficult. 😉 Although, my job was not a terribly difficult job.I do stay home with my 3 small children now, and I do enjoy it. I would imagine however that it is like anything else…you have your good days and your bad ones. Sometimes the bad ones gang up on you and kick you till you bleed, but the days that are good….damn they’re good!I agree that it’s all in your attitude. I also think that because we have no “boss” standing over us we tend to judge ourselves. And some of us are pretty damn hard on ourselves. We then start feeling inadequate and unappreciated and an ugly cycle starts. I think we have A LOT to do with how we feel about our day and our “jobs”. Children can be difficult, but an angry mom can be brutal. Especially to herself.
>Did I really say once that the Mommy Wars don’t exist? I retract that statement!
>It’s not really a war. It’s just a bunch of people responding to your statement. 🙂
>I think that the reason you hear so much “bellyaching” is that SAHMs just want to be heard. They are tired of everyone thinking they have it easy or don’t actually work or disrespecting them and taking them for granted (“let her do it – it’s not like she has anything else to do”). For most women, it turns out not to be what you expect. You don’t know what it’s like until you’ve done it. Period. Doesn’t matter if we’re talking SAHMs, rocket science or Wal-Mart stocker. Childcare is considered to be a job – as long as the kids you take care of aren’t your own. Then it’s nothing but sitting by the pool eating bon bons.
>Why does she need to add “for me” on her own site?
>Busy Mom, she doesn’t need to add “for me.” However, I believe the omission of those words is part of what causes her statement to come across in a way with which some SAHMs take issue.
>I wondered that, too, busy mom. I also thought that “This I believe:” was an appropriate disclaimer that she wasn’t telling everyone their lives weren’t hard. “Agree or Disagree” was the question – not “Did I word this correctly?”
>I don’t have a blog, just love to read them, and Lindsay, yours is one of my favorites (you too, Mama Tulip). I have to weigh in here – I would LOOOOVE to be a SAHM – but finances just don’t allow it. I agree with so many of the opinions here that it’s hard to nail down all of the points, but do I think being a SAHM is easier than a work outside the home mom? Generally, yes. I understand that I only have one child, but she’s very demanding and difficult at times, and there are days when I’ve been home with her that I’ve wanted to pull my hair out by noon, but I’d still go for staying at home with her instead of racing home at 5, getting dinner, trying to straighten up the house, run errands, etc. and still try to give her as much attention as possible. At least in my world, that’s much more difficult than when I was home with her.
>I thought the question was also “Why is it acceptable to say one and not the other?” [paraphrased] Clearly moms are entitled to their own opinions, as complex and different as they may be. I’m a single mom working from home, so my experience is different than that of some other moms in different situations. SAHM-ing is a hard thing to qualify in the absolute, since there are so many variations. 🙂
>I am a working mother who – get ready for this – chooses to work even though we could manage with one salary if we made a few changes to our lifestyle and saving habits. We don’t drive expensive cars or live in the most expensive neighborhood. This is not about money in my situation. What I haven’t read much about here or on the other post is the viewpoint of many mothers who work because they choose to. They like what they do and are able to balance work and home and enjoy both places (it happens. really.) If momma is happy, then everyone is happy, right? I believe another thing that it is ok to admit is that I don’t HAVE to work. I CHOOSE to work (gasp!). I work for a family oriented business that never holds it against me when I have to stay home with a sick child (I am the one to do that the majority of the time – which is fine). I never get looked at twice if I say I’m going to the kids’ school to have cookies for their birthdays. I am home with the kids by 5:30 everyday. I work hard at work and at home and it’s all good. The kids are happy – in general (seriously – whose kids are happy ALL the time?). I don’t think there can be a generalization about SAHMs or WMs. We just need to respect each other and the choices we all make which includes living with our own personal choices without the need to defend them. You make a good point and I think it can apply to everyone. Love your funny blog!
>I think you are great, I love my job, it has it’s hardships, but I think that the mom’s attitude has MUCH to do with it, thier personality, life expierinces and all. You rock, and are totally 100% entitled to your opinion! And raising 4 small children, just means in 10 years your raising 4 teens….I give you alot of credit – 2 of each! PHEW!!!
>Being a SAHM is much easier that working part-time and staying home the rest of the time. It’s easier than working and being a mom.For ME.Sometimes it is really hard, and sometimes I feel like I’m sitting around eating bon-bons, but either way, I almost always see the humor and am ALWAYS grateful that I have the chance to be there for my kids when they get sick, etc. I see it as a gift and just feel lucky we can afford to do it somewhat comfortably.I don’t think it’s easier than working. I think its easier than working AND being a mom. That is hard. But I have friends who feel the opposite way and work. It depends on the person.
>No, Lindsay – you can snicker when they become teens! It’s a whole different ball game! Many have said that young kids are physically harder and teens are emotionally harder – I agree – but there are also perqs with each age. Teens can be wonderful almost-adult company and amazing people – and toddlers are great snugglers and tons of spontaneous fun & joy.I’ve been a SAHM & a WOHM and a single mom too – kids are now grown and gone, but I have an excellent memory! There are hard parts & great parts of each role. Yes, even the single mom part! It’s all in your own attitude. With 3 under 3 (I had twins) I was pretty exhausted – a good night was when I got a total of 4 hours sleep in 2 chunks of 2 hrs each, and a good day was when I got a shower in before noon! Years ago, pre-internet, living in a new city, away from family – I got pretty lonesome. It was hard – but it was also great to be with the kids and not miss their firsts. I loved being a SAHM, and did find it easier than trying to work both outside and inside the home in later years. I loved the (relative) freedom and flexibility too – spur of the moment beach days, walks in the snow, etc. But that was me. I’m very glad I got to stay home as lomg as I did – even though I’ve paid the price in slowed career advancement and lost pension funds & retirement savings.I did resent it when people thought I was a brainless soap-opera addict when they found out I “didn’t work” and assumed I could be the regular volunteer because I didn’t have anything to do! I also was not thrilled when I had to get an outside job (divorce) and could no longer be there after school for the kids – and got flak from the SAHMs for that. The ‘mommy wars’ were alive and well then – and it looks like they still are. Personally, though I now love my work, I’d have been happier with the pre-women’s movement acceptance that it’s ok to stay home – but at least, let’s respect each other’s choices.
>One day, I want to be a SAHM… my mum was one and seeing how so many kids are these days (rude, too worldy for their age, etc) I want to be able to shelter them (not too much) but also just BE there for them. It was so nice to come home and my mum was there, letting me be a kid, and doing mum stuff. I do know some SAHM have a hard time, but I know that I’ll love spending my time with little ones. Once they’re in school, I plan on doing my home business (making furniture, how cool hey?) and so I’ll be done when they get home from school. That’s the plan anyway…
>I think it is true that a positive attitude, and looking for the humor in life can work wonders.But it’s also nice to read posts in which you see the sadness, the stress, and the failures of other moms as well. Not to revel in them, but because they help you feel less alone.I’ve looked everywhere to find more moms who are full-time stepmoms and it’s very hard. Even in modern times only rarely do fathers get primary custody. My situation is unique and challenging and yes, great fun at times, but it is very very hard being a full time stepmom to two girls who were older when you met them. (As I’m sure you know).Perhaps I should go back and look at some of your old posts when you were struggling and venting about being a full time stepmom. To see how far you’ve come would probably be a great inspiration.Most of the time, however, I look at how wonderfully it seems you get along with your girls and I feel like a big zero, lol. I wonder if my younger stepdaughter especially will ever look at me as something other than sloppy seconds when she wish her ‘real’ mom was caring for her.On being a SAHM to my own bio son, however, I have to agree. Though it is tough at times, I take great joy in my job.
>I am a high school teacher (so I have 150 teenagers!) with a 3 year old daughter. I took a year and a half off after my daughter was born, then I returned to work. Here’s what’s hard for me:The first two weeks of summer and the first two weeks of the school year. My god. I almost die just getting used to the change. After two weeks, though, I love what I’m doing.I guess it’s just what you’re used to. (School gets out June 25 here. I figure by July 9, I’ll be loving being a SAHM. Until then, I’ll be drinking a lot.)
>Wow Lindsey, that was one of the most well written posts I have seen on the topic. I have so many thoughts on this subject that it is hard to organize them into words.First of all, I am a stay at home mom, and there are tons of jobs out there that are harder than mine in many ways and easier than mine in many ways. It is all relative. I guess that one of the reasons that SAHM feel the need to voice their complaints so much is that it is not recognized by a real job by many others so they do it to try to make it seem like one. I also think that it is partly in response to the whole “mommy war” (cringe) issue of SAHMs vs. WOHMs. SAHMs come up with a list of reasons why it is harder to validate themselves. It makes me uncomfortable to see so many women complain about what a hard job it is, because, like you, I think that kind of negative thinking can lead to an even more negative experience.Believe me. I have my hard days, when I am either mentally or physically exhausted and want to hand the baby off to my husband as soon as he comes home. I only have one child so I can imagine it gets tougher with four. But, I don’t dare say that my job is as hard as a women who has an awful day at work and then has to come home to take care of everything. In fact, I really try not to compare my self to anyone at all. I am not, by any means, saying that I never complain. I think it is okay to sit down with your husband and tell him how hard your day was, and to periodically tell him ways that he could help you out. He does the same with me.I had a wonderful day today because I met a friend for coffee and went shopping, among all the other things I did around the house.Yesterday, I had a headache and my baby was cranky and I got into an argument with my husband. I didn’t get much done around the house. However, at least I was at home to fight off that headache and not in an office with bright lights. I really think this is simmilar to those “pain wars” that happened on Dooce a while back. It is all relative.I feel blessed to be able to stay at home right now. If I ever have to go back to work, then I hope I can handle that with just as much grace.Oh, and do I need to say “for me”?
>That was possibly a little longer than I meant it to be. Sorry for hijacking the comments.
>And ANOTHER thing:One point nobody has yet brought up (I think) is that our own mothers stressed that NOT staying home should be our Number One Priority – “Go to College – Get a Degree – WORK – Don’t rely on any man supporting you! – Wait to have children, if you do it at all! – Get a Graduate Degree so you can earn more!” – etc etc.All good advice. But the constant message was “Don’t Do What I did – staying home is not worthwhile.” Even if not put in so many words. Even if they insisted they loved staying home with us. We were NOT to sign up for that job! We were to accomplish more!So – here we are again; staying home to raise children, and Being A Disappointment To Our Mothers. Again! And don’t even get me started about the Not Earning An Income thing. And reading that the job a SAHP does being worth $100k a year – well, looks great on a paper…Oh gees, did I get off on another tangent. Again?!
>I worked from the time my daughter was 4 months old until she was 13 months old (she’s now 18 months old). I don’t think that being a SAHM is hard job per se (though, I have to say, I’m lucky because my daughter is pretty laid back- I’m guessing the next kid will be a handful), but I think it is a very important job. And that in itself makes it hard and stressful. We are working very hard to produce polite thoughtful people, not sitting on our butts eating bon bons all day (though I’d be lying if I said I didn’t take a day off once in a while). Before I actually stayed at home, I really didn’t realize just how tiring it was.That being said, before I stayed home I was a young adult librarian, which was not a really hard job either (even though my boss was the devil). But combine the two and I have to say, I could barely keep up. I enjoy just having one focus now and watching my daughter grow up. Will I ever go back to work, probably when I’m done having babies and they grow up (or if a really good part time position falls in my lap). But I’m just grateful to do what I do and I’m tired of feeling like I have to defend it. Not to be sappy or anything, but our children are our future and I say if you are able to stay at home with them, go for it and don’t worry if it seems “too easy.”
>GREAT POST! I couldn’t agree more. You must find humor in the little things, even the stuff that’s not funny.
>Okay, I am jumping in. I am a working mom of 5. They are 21, 19, 15, 11, and 5. Once upon a time I was a SAHM. I didn’t think it was “Hard”, but there were plenty of days that I wished I was able to have a break time or a bit of alone time. I too had zero mom friends when I married and became an instant full time mom to 3 existing children. Like a nut, I joined the local PTA. I then made it my full time “job” and MISSION that at the meetings I reminded EVERYONE to be kind and approachable to all of the parents in the school so no one would ever feel like it was a clique. There a million other moms feeling disconnected from the world because we don’t know what else to do but continue to make our children and family be the world to us. I ended up having to work full time sooner than I would have liked. And after listening to Dr. Laura tell me repeatedly how selfish I was and a lowlife for allowing others to “Raise” my children so that I could work, changed my opinion DRASTICALLY on the SAHM and the working mom argument. Most days there aren’t enough hours in the day…. just as there weren’t when I was at home. The guilt in me that I must do it all and not depend on others once I am off work to make up for the fact that I work is going to kill me eventually. I remember being at home and the working parents assumed I could just take their kids too. I refuse to allow that now, because I hated that then. I want my house as clean as I knew it could be when I was at home. Therefore, i stay up until all hours trying to beat the messes that beat me daily. My house wasn’t spotless when i was at home full time,so I have no idea why I fool myself into thinking I can do it all now…. but I do. Perusing blogs of homes that are absolutely BEAUTIFUL and classy haunt me at night. Blogs of other moms who appear to have their act together WAY more than me haunt me at night. Just hoping that all of my children grow up to be happy successful people in this world is the major goal in life. Isn’t that what we all want in the end? There’s just no right or wrong path to get there. When my kids grow up and go to therapy, I want to make sure my bases are covered… some will go because I was an overbearing at home mom, some will go because they were latch key kids. I will go because they each drove me to it with their own reasons. We can take a poll later.
>You can say pretty much what you want here, but linking to a post in which you personally attack my relationship with my kids is just tacky.
>Thank you for saying what we all should realize… attitude is everything.Also, You have my vote on the teenagers are more challenging than toddlers thing. Just remember, its not over when the teenagers turn 20, either…
>I feel much better now about your original comment. Thanks for the follow-up post.
>Funny, I think it’s all a ‘state of mind’ thing. I read your first post about being a SAHM being easy & shot off a comment that it can’t be a blanket statement. I read that post after being awakened A LOT the night before by an 8 month old who wants to practice his newly acquired crawling skills in the middle of the night (and then he forgets how to go back to sleep). So I was TIRED & GRUMPY & my 3 year old had started whining.This morning, I’m a little brighter and I had a shower before 9 am so I feel like a new woman. I believe it’s all in the attitude of which you approach it. Most of the time I walk around my house tripping over toys and little underwear that have been thrown off by my 3 year old and smile because I can’t believe I’m so lucky. It’s not so hard as it is time consuming – consuming ALL of your time. But I ask you to not talk about this too much PLEASE! PLEASE! don’t let our husbands know that it’s not that hard!! don’t blow the lid off our whole operation!! we’ve worked too hard & if the men find out then more of them might want a piece of the action!
>Wow! I never thought your comment was trying to start a mommy war especially since you are a SAHM but wow that really started the war. I hate the war, we are all women who work hard (I have been a WM, SAHM and a self employed at-home mom, a mom of tots and teens and everything in between) and we all make choices. Your comment was designed, I thought to help us look inside and say “Wow, my job is not that hard- I am lucky to be with these people I brought into the world (or married into)” Every woman works hard regardless, honestly there are 24 hours in a day and there aren’t many women sitting around through most of those but if you look at life as a blessing it will be a blessing regardless of what you do. I know people with HUGE hardships who are still involved in the community and do amazing things (and are really happy) because they CHOOSE to get help so that they can still be a well round person and not a martyr. Anyone can be a martyr – it is all in how YOU handle it. I thought your statement was awesome because it said a little too little which invoked a lot of thought and discussion. Keep up the controversy it gives us all better insight.
>I don’t know that hard or easy are useful terms.Personally, I found being at home a lot more lonely, but I find working out of the home a lot more stressful.Then again, I could also say I find working outside the home to be a lot more stimulating and that being home was a lot more relaxing.It’s all in how you frame it, and I can respect how you’re trying to avoid the negative.However, I can understand why your phrasing of “It’s not that hard” might make someone who is struggling feel MORE isolated, and how it might make anyone doing the SAHM job feel unappreciated.I think at the core of it all, we all want to be appreciated and respected for what we do, and to have our kids grow up to be functional, content adults.
>I think being a mom in general would be hard, because it requires so much patience — of which I have very little.Having said that, I’d love to be able to put some of my customers in timeout. And they never make me laugh or hug me at the end of the day. So I guess it’s a tossup.Tanya
>Being a SAHM is definitel a full-time job, with lots of overtime. There certainly are easier jobs out there. There are plenty of harder jobs out there, too. I see your point, Lindsay.
>Ok… I’m a guy so don’t bash me too hard.Wow, this has gotten quite a lot of attention. My wife is a part-time SAHM right now (she’s back in college, on summer break) There are advantages for her and disavantages (she is more than willing for me to “take over” when I get home from work) She has some good private time (when my daughter(1 1/2) is sleeping, and my son(6) is out playing) but the rest of the time is crazy time (my whining/demanding son and my “pull everything out and drop on floor” daughter) It’s not digging a ditch but draining none-the-less. So, what I’m getting at is it really depends on the children (I have some friends that have Hellians and every time I’m around them I thank God for my kids..)there are distinct variables there. As well as the parents, a lot of variration there…I feel I’m a fairly patient guy, but being around some “wild childs” I loose that pretty quickly…others seem to have the patience of Job. My head hurts…Couldn’t we start a new post on breasts?Hey, I am a guy!
>This is a great topic. This is my first time here. I think you should be able to say whatever you want on your own site. If you disagree, get your own site! It is impossible to please everyone.I have two children (under six) and work outside the home, but I would like to be at home more. To answer the question from yesterday: it does depend on the kids and the parent who is staying home: their personalities, etc. I think the bigger issue is why we all feel we need to justify how busy and “hard” everything is. It seems to be really popular these days, no matter what job you have, or whether you are a parent or not (stay at home or otherwise). I like a lot what you said about outlook and being grateful. It makes a huge difference. An earlier poster said (I am paraphrasing) “who wants the trophy for working the hardest?” Well, exactly. Why are we all so concerned with this? If you, and your family is happy with your life, then that is enough. I even pretend I am not sometimes. It seems that everytime I mentioned busyness, or lots of hard work, someone else has to prove that they are busier! I am busy too, and at times overwhelmed with work, both at home and away, but I am so sick of hearing about how “busy” and how hard life is from everyone else that I try not to talk about it anymore. I just think we all need to take a long breath and decide whether we are happy with our lives, and not try and always justify them to others. It takes away from those times when someone is truly under duress and might need help.Also, my husband and are are trying to re-arrange our lives so we can truly work less, and be less busy. Then we will brag about it! 🙂
>Sorry, in the last post the sentence “I even pretend that I am not sometimes” was mispaced during a cut & paste. Sorry, It does not make sense there; please ignore it.
>Wow Lindsay. If you were trying to get your comment count up, it definitely worked!Being a mom is a tough job whether you work outside the home or not and I couldn’t agree more with your point about how your attitude affects how easy/hard it is. And that is why I have been a faithful reader of your blog since 2005. It’s all about your attitude and humor.
>”Why is it okay to say that being a SAHM is hard, but it’s not okay to say it’s not that hard?”If I looked at my husband and said, “Oh come on, your job…it’s not THAT hard, so quitcherbitchin,” I think he’d get pretty upset with me because when someone is complaining it’s because right then in that moment it does feel *that* hard and besides which, it’s a pretty harsh criticism plus invalidation.It’s the blanket statement aspect of both sides: the easy and the hard sides.Today has been a great day: happy kids who are cooperating and we had a fun activity and no fighting and all is golden (so far). Today (so far) has been easy. Enjoyable.Yesterday had me sounding like a demented fishwife. Yesterday was hard.If you talked to me today you’d get how much I love my kids and enjoy getting this time with them.If you’d talked to me yesterday, you’d hear a lot of bellyaching.Motherhood *is* a *hard* job. So is fatherhood.However, I don’t think you are actually quibbling over the word hard. I think you are quibbling over the word miserable. And the idea that SAH parenting is so hard all the time that it is a miserable state of being.Have you ever read Sarah Blaffer Hrdy or someone of that ilk?When I think of the theses she presents in her books and lectures, I ponder motherhood in a different way.For too long motherhood was considered the “natural” state of women; we were all supposed to want it above all things, and immediately by nature know how to do it.It got taken for granted.Times have changed.I’m glad people call motherhood hard.Almost all work is hard in some way. When we recognize the challenge and skill we VALUE it.Parenthood should be valued very highly, not taken for granted. It’s hard, and we do it with a range of emotions and spectrum from easy to hard. As with any job.The pro to parenthood is a deeper love and amazing cherishment (new word, call Webster’s) that you’ll never have for any other job.The good times are great and the challenging times are so hard. And it’s hard because we *care* so very, very much.But it’s not MISERABLE.Yes, it’s about perspective. And at some point in the day, even if it is just at bedtime, I try to find it. I often find humor.But having a positive frame of mind doesn’t make every moment hunky dory for me. Sometimes my irritation/annoyance/temper/fatigue/impatience gets the better of me.I’m glad to hear others feel the same. I’m glad to get it out and fid perspective through support and validation. Even ideas! Or a helping hand.It just varies so very much by moment, person, situation, etc.I think this is an swesome discussion to have and am so glad you brought it up. It’s been really interesting to see all the POVs and so forth. Thanks!
>Well said Julie! You put into words my thoughts exactly.
>I was at a SAHM for 5 years, i can say without a doubt it was the hardest thing I have ever done. My patience has never been worn as thin or my sense of humor lost quicker than when I stayed home all day every day, doing groundhog day. Same thing EVERY day, all DAY. that being said i am very grateful I was able to be at home with my kids when they were babies. Leaving them in daycare would have broke my heart. Also, being a SAHM made me appreciate working outside the home so much more and I am grateful for that. Staying at home seems like it would be easy as cake and so much less stressful, but for ME it was the opposite. I truly admire SAHM who feel happy and fulfilled being at home. It made me crazy(er). The important thing is for women to support one another no matter our choices, and to realize that works for you may not work for me. Peace.
>I definitely don’t always feel happy or fulfilled and sometimes I want to tear my hair out, but I see being a SAHM as my full-time job (with plenty of overtime) and honestly, I’ve never had a job in which I didn’t have these feelings from time to time.As a job, I see this one as being infinitely preferable to so many other full-time jobs out there. And honestly, I can’t get past the fact that most of my working mom friends seem to me to have it much harder than I do. They’re still doing all the drudge work of laundry, cooking and cleaning, in addition to a 9-5 job and trying to squeeze in quality time with their kids.You don’t have to tell me that it’s work and that it can drive you crazy. I know that. I’m just saying most of you could have it far, far worse. I mean, is that not patently obvious?No one likes someone who complains about his/her job all the time. My thought is always “Well, get another job! Gah!” But I feel like we’re entering a point in which it’s acceptable and expected to complain about being a SAHM all the time.Again, this isn’t a grand proclamation, just the thoughts that are going through my head right now. I don’t really disagree much with anyone who’s written, but I think there’s a good side of being a SAHM that’s starting to be overlooked, that maybe we’re all (myself included, honestly) bitching too much.
>I didn’t read the comments on your previous post, nor have I read all the comments on this post, so this has probably already been said, but I’ll share my two cents anyway. :)It makes me really sad when moms complain about the neediness of their children, especially small children. I’m not saying I haven’t done the same, but it makes me sad when I do it, too! (And just as a disclaimer, I do think there is a difference between sharing real struggles with the goal of being helped and just complaining.) So many people act is if children are an accessory or, worse, a tedious necessity. As difficult as being a SAHM can sometimes be, I try to always keep the perspective that these little people in my care are future spouses, parents, friends, employees/ers, etc. Every day I’m teaching them about their value, their worth, their abilities. To then complain about how hard it is seems almost silly when I look at it that way. Being a CEO is hard. Being a factory worker is hard (and super boring!). Being a nurse is hard. And yet, the internet isn’t buzzing with their complaints. My husband works at a company with lots of politics and undercutting. I work with people who think I hung the moon and believe that my kisses work miraculous healings. Hmmm.There are many days when I’m in tears because I don’t think I can do it anymore. I have three kids, ages 6, 3 and 18 months. I have health issues that cause me to be both physically and emotionally exhausted long before the end of the day. And yet, I firmly believe that a bad day at home is still better than a good day anywhere else. Thanks for writing this.
>If you’ve got time to read a blob, write a blob or comment on a blob and you’re at work or at work at home, you aint got it so hard now, do you? ; ) (me included) Peace
>After reading so many of the comments on this issue, it occurs to me that there’s an implication that if someone says a job is hard, that must somehow also mean it’s joyless. But although a job may be difficult, it can also bring great joy. And although SAHMs (for example) may feel the need to vent (“bellyache”), they may also find satisfaction in their choice. Venting and vocational satisfaction aren’t necessarily mutually exclusive.
>Here is my final 2 cents. I’ve been thinking about this since yesterday. I think the reason SAHMs bristle when someone suggests that the job is not that hard is that we are one of the few groups of people who find our work constantly undone. We work all day, only to have to turn around and do it all again 5 minutes later when the kids are hungry again, the house we so diligently cleaned is a mess again, there are piles of laundry that never end and we too often hear, “What did you do all day it looks like you just sat around?”. And because the work that we do is unpaid as well as unappreciated we often feel the disdain of our spouses and peers for being “unproductive”. We are often insecure about and uncomfortable with our financial dependence on our partners especially when those partners, often inadvertently, reveal that they consider their jobs to be more valuable and more worthwhile than ours. We are tired of feeling like we are worth less than other people because we don’t make money. We’re tired of feeling like we need to make money somehow in order to retain our adult validity. I would way rather stay home with my children than have to work out of the home and do this job, I know that it would be way harder even than working from home. I think we get defensive, not because it’s the hardest job there is, because it’s far from the cakewalk that everyone seems to assume that it is, and we want our contribution to be acknowledged, not belittled.
>I have five kids, from a 15 year old to a 3 month old. I don’t think teenagers are easier than babies. I think they are just as demanding but in totally different ways. My 3 month old, Charlie, needs me all. the. time. My husband and I have only gone on 3 dates since he was born. I love Charlie, and I love this stage, but it is exhausting. My eldest needs me in other ways. She doesn’t need the constant attention and care. She doesn’t completely depend on me for food or comfort. I don’t have to give 100% of myself to her 100% of the time. So I don’t think anyone’s saying teenagers are easier to raise. I just think babies are harder in different ways. I don’t exactly think that it’s fair to say that being an SAHM is easy. There was a time after my second child was born, when my husband was still an intern and our basement was flooded and I was suffering from what I know realize was postpartnum depression. Then I was ashamed of myself, because no one else was having the problems I was having. I remember one night when both the baby and his older sister were suffering from the flu, vomiting all over the place, and I was sick and tired and I remember all I wanted to do was leave them in safe, loving hands and go crawl into a hole somewhere and not come out for a long time. Their pain and my pain was too much. What did I do? Nothing. I was too mad at myself for not being able to cope like everybody else could. I felt like a failure. I think it’s important to aknowledge that it can be a really hard job. Even when your kids are grown up and on their own, the responsibility of loving them can weigh you down. Being a mother can be hard. But it can also be easy, and it can also make me happier than anything else has made me in my life.
>The thing is, though, that when you start with absolutes such as, “But I feel like we’re entering a point in which it’s acceptable and expected to complain about being a SAHM all the time,” I sort of lose the logic in the argument.It might be that generally people expect you to be a little self-deprecating. After all, SAHP is a privilege less and less can/will afford these days. (This is also where I think carrien’s comment makes a compelling point.) Too much enjoyment might be bragging, rubbing a nose in it. So possibly some degree of complaining is expected.I just happen to either not notice it too much or am not overwhelmed by it. I think I take a lot of it with a grain of salt.This is because I think with most people it is usually a good and bad/pro and con mix.This reminds me of the Internet parade a month or so ago where the originator said something along the lines of: I’m sick and tired of all moms talking so negatively about their parenting skills and I wish moms had something nice to say.Oy! Lots of moms have lots of nice stories to tell! Let’s not ignore those voices.Now…for the point I could have it far, far worse…I learned a while back to not compare or measure pain. It’s not fair to anyone. In fact, I do my best to not compare because I rarely find that it provokes good.I think it is arrogant to compare myself positively to another person (person’s situation), especially because it is so demeaning to them.When I compared my two days, I compared my own days with my own kids in my own life. One day was bad, and one was good. This is usually how I talk and blog, too.I agree: I think my mom gig is the best and most rewarding one ever. I could go to work—I probably should. It would relieve a lot of financial trouble (while brewing up another set of stress, though IMO).And actually I hear and read a lot of moms who say that this is a great job, and often really poetically.On the bad days, the complaining days, I don’t want to get another job…I want to make this one work. Sometimes fixing where you are is the solution, rather than “take a hike.”Anyway. Sure, most of us complain some of the time. Sure, if someone complains all the time or is truly miserable, maybe she does need some sort of change.But I wonder if this “everyone” and “all the time” is more of an amalgam—where you happen to read one thing about ten people and it all happens to be negative…rather than ten things by one person that all are negative. KWIM?And if it’s TV and magazines? FUHGETTABOUTIT!No joke, the mom could have said 27 nice things about how much she loves it and they’ll edit that out and focus on the one bad thing she said. They’re like vultures, focusing and twisting to the negative. But I won’t rant about slanted editing and piss poor journalism these days. ;)So consider the source.Maybe the next question—if it really isn’t your IRL friends griping all the live long day—is why the media image of motherhood (why the quotes quoted and bits edited to show) needs to be so focused on the trial and tribulation aspect.Now I’m thinking of the playdate with booze scandal. 😉
>Working mom weighing in here. For me, being a SAHM was very hard. I tried it and failed miserably. Looking back, perhaps I didn’t give it enough time – but I chose to go back to work. Yes, I chose. I didn’t need to, I wanted to. And it’s been the best decision for my son and my family. Why? Because I’m a much happier, much more engaged mom!I’m blessed in that I only work part time (albeit 5 days a week) and I have a boss that allows me to come and go as I please. This means that I don’t miss any school activities. And I can leave early to pick up the little guy if I’m missing him terribly. Which definitely happens.When I was at home, much of my dad was filled with doing housework and errands and incorporating play time throughout the day. Now that I’m working, the time I’m with my son I’m with him 100% .. which means my house is a disaster all of the time, but I’m okay with that.I take my hat off to SAHMs everywhere. I often wish I had what it takes to do that job. I wish it were easy for me. But I don’t and it’s not. And I’m okay with that because my son is a very happy, very loved, perfect little man … just as I’m sure your kids are as well!
>Thank you for sharing how you changed your writing which in turn changed your outlook. I needed to hear that and I just wanted you to know I appreciate you and this blog.
>Hear, hear! for Stephanie T: “I think what ruffled some feathers was that you seemed to be making a blanket statement about all SAHM’s. If you had just said you personally don’t find being a SAHM hard and left off the part about…”And for b.e.c.k. “I think the problem occurs when you leave off the words “for me.” Being a SAHM isn’t hard *for you* — it may be hard for someone else. I find that people take offense when someone presumes to speak for them, or appears to belittle someone else’s experience. “I think that really sums it up — this post ISN’T a mommy war in miniature — it is people feeling irritated that Lindsay paints them as complainers and generalizes from her own positive experience that “the” job of SAHM isn’t really all that hard. This debate interestingly makes clear that an important factor in discussing the SAHM phenomenon is that there is no such thing as “the” SAHM job — there is no single job description for it written down anywhere, and the wide variety of experiences shared here show that for some it is extremely challenging, and for others, not so much.What is sparking the level of anger here is, I agree, that Lindsay appears/appeared to be making a universal judgement of others based on her own experience, and that has upset people. It upset me into writing in the earlier thread and I never comment on blogs.As I said in my earlier “anonymous” post, I think that Lindsay’s real point boils down to “Look on the bright side of your job, SAHMS!” Which is great. But that shouldn’t extend to saying, “Don’t complain SAHMS! I’m happy, so you should be, too!”
>I don’t need to write “for me” because this is my blog. If I wrote “for me” after every sentence, that would be ridiculous. Even “I think” is redundant.Also, I don’t think being a SAHM is not that hard “for me” alone. I think that SAHMs are very fortunate and do have more time in general to get more things accomplished for their families than parents who work outside the home. I think most SAHMs are fortunate to live in climate controlled houses with dishwashers and washing machines. I think that most SAHMs are reasonably able to set their own schedules. I think that being a SAHM is not “the hardest job in the world,” as Oprah claims, although it’s certainly far from the easiest job, either. There are SAHMs in extraordinary circumstances, of course, who have it incredibly rough. But that’s true of some people in any job. So when a commenter wrote in the last post that being a SAHM is hard because she has a low energy level, I’d say that in that case, any job would be hard, not just being a SAHM.Once upon a time, SAHMs were totally unappreciated and treated like spoiled kept women. Now, it seems we’ve gone to the other extreme, so that it’s unacceptable for me to suggest that being a SAHM is not as hard as it is lately being portrayed to be. I’m not saying it’s easy. But it’s not coal mining, either, as one commenter joked over at nashvilleistalking.com. It’s not chasing down chickens in a 100-degree poultry barn and stuffing them into sacks with your bare hands, as one of my friends had to do to help pay for college.Honestly, sometimes I wonder how many people on this earth would look at me and all the complaining I personally do here in my air conditioned home with its filled pantry and closets stuffed with clothes and jacuzzi bathtub- and say I must be the most selfish, self-absorbed bitch ever. And then I try to change my attitude and work on my navel gazing. And I’m usually unsuccessful. But I think it would benefit all of us to think from time to time about what we have and how “hard” our lives REALLY are, and whether our complaints are merited.And yet, would I even have a blog if I didn’t complain A LOT? Probably not!
>Lindsay,I enjoyed this post and actually responded to it over at my blog (http://www.cookienotes.blogspot.com)While parenting a special needs kid can be hard, you can’t let it swallow you. You have to look at the positive. 🙂 And the funny. Because there IS a lot of that.It’s just a bit different.
>Parenting is just hard–for different reasons, at any age. As a teacher, I have the best of both worlds. I’m a working mom for most of the year, and then essentially a SAHM for the summer. Since my husband is self-employed, it was never a choice for me not to work; we needed the benefits and security of my job. That said, I liked having my girls see me work, and now at almost 21 and 17, they know that they need to be independent and not depend on anyone to make a living for them.
>I tried to be a stay-at-home mom once and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Then I gave up and became a stay-at-home dad instead, which is so much easier.
>I’ve been a SAHM for 21 years. I have an 18 and 21 year old. When they were little it was a lot more “fun”. There were of course times when I was exhausted from lack of sleep and trying to keep them entertained without destroying our house but they were sweet and fun to be around. I chose to stay home because no.l, I didn’t want to have to worry about whether or not my child would be “safe” in another persons care, and no. 2, my income wasn’t substantial enough for me to go to work, pay daycare, and then still be responsible for all the cleaning, laundry, cooking, shopping, etc… I wouldn’t say that staying at home with my kids when they were young was hard, tiring at times, but not that difficult. When they became teenagers it became a different story. My kids expected me to be their personal servant because I was at home, that was after all (in their eyes) my job. I spend more time now, cooking, doing laundry, shopping, and cleaning up after my kids than I did when they were little. When they were young, I decided what they ate, wore, spent money on, etc. Money ends up being another issue when you are at home, I can’t win – I’m blasted for being lazy, because in my kids eyes, if I worked, we could all have nicer things. There is no appreciation from my kids for what I contribute, only complaints for what I don’t do or what they don’t have. Frankly, I’ll be glad when they are both gone at college, I can go back to work (and make some money to fix my falling apart house), and spend time alone with my husband and dog.Disgruntled Mother of Teenager and Young Adult
>I love this discussion. I’ve even started a post in my head about it. We’ll see if it gets any farther than that.I’ve been a SAHM, a WAHM and a WOHM. For me, at least some working is easier. But I agree that it depends on the mom, the kids and the job. I really envy those moms who love SAHMdom. Some of them do it very, very, well and most of them have very different temperaments from me.Is there a difference between complaining and venting? Because without the venting we risk losing ouselves at the altar of the self-sacrificing mother where we’re all supposed to be delighted to be wiping butts and reading the same story over and over and over again until we are ready to scream. And without the venting we all worry that we’re horrible mothers or that there’s something seriously wrong with us, because everyone around us is just delighted, because no one’s allowed to admit that it’s not all sweetness and light.Do we really want to go back to that?I don’t think that venting is necessarily focusing on the negative. It is blowing off steam so you can move on. Humor helps, absolutely, but a spouse who shares the “second shift” with you helps more.I appreciate when a blogger shares her frustrations, and admit that SAHM life isn’t perfect, because the mothers I know in real life are way too afraid to admit that, maybe even to themselves.
>I agree with you. The hardest part to me (SAHM = 18 years!) was when it was BORING. And, there was a lot of times it was boring. I wouldn’t do it any different if I could but there were many days I wanted a different career. Something with travel involved, great clothes and no spit up on my shoulder.
>It’s disappointing to see you add to the mommy wars. I’m not suggesting we all have to be high-fiving each other in support of motherhood but you have made a sweeping generalisation about SAHMs. Just because you are one doesn’t mean it is okay to belittle other mothers’ experience of it. That just makes those who struggle with it feel crappy.
>If you feel crappy, you only have yourself to blame. A lot of SAHMs agree with me. A lot don’t. Disagree with me if you’d like, but don’t tell me what I should and shouldn’t say on my own blog.
>I think the reason you aren’t hearing more from us WOHs is because we don’t want to make a judgement on how comfortable a shoe fits when we don’t wear them – at least I won’t.
>Most women in the world do not have the time to even think about staying at home and “not working”, and most don’t have the time or the technology to sit around arguing about it on the blogs.