>In Answer to the Question, “How are the Kids?”
>ME: I can’t even believe the stories you tell me about what goes on at school. I wish we could do a Freaky Friday and I could be you for just one day and see some of the craziness for myself!
MY 14-YEAR-OLD STEPDAUGHTER: Omigod, I would so not want to do Freaky Friday with you!
(Fade to black)
PUNKY: Mommy, the poo poo won’t come out.
ME: Well, just keep pushing.
PUNKY: You need to tell it, ‘Poo poo, you come out of there right now.’
ME: Uh, okay. Poo poo, you come out of there right now!
PUNKY: ………..
PUNKY: Mommy? There’s no poo poo anymore.
ME: What do you mean there’s no poo poo? Did it come out?
PUNKY: No.
ME: Well, what happened to it?
PUNKY: (gets off the toilet and looks up very, very solemnly.) It died.
(Fade to black)
ME: Maybe it was because you made a pot of coffee right before bed.
17-YEAR-OLD STEPDAUGHTER: Oh no. Caffeine doesn’t affect my sleep at all.
(The next day…)
17-YEAR-OLD STEPDAUGHTER: I’m sooo tired. I woke up four times last night.
ME: Maybe it’s because you went to the gym at 8:30 last night.
17-YEAR-OLD STEPDAUGHTER: Oh no. Working out at night has nothing to do with how I sleep.
(The next day….)
17-YEAR-OLD STEPDAUGHTER: I’m soooo tired. I woke up 27 times last night.
ME: ……
17-YEAR-OLD STEPDAUGHTER: You have no sympathy for my insomnia! I can’t sleep and you don’t care!
(Fade to black.)
ME: Who’s my little Bruiser baby? Who’s my baby Bruiser boy?
BRUISER: Ahhh ga ga ffffft! Sssssssssss ma ma! Ma ma! Ee ga ga ba!
ME: Yes, you’re a good boy, yes you are such a….
BRUISER: (grabs my hair just above my ear and attempts to scalp me)
ME: AEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIII! AAAAAAUUUUGGGHHHH! Let go! Let go!
BRUISER: (Yanks his mother’s hair harder and laughs uproariously.) Heh heh heh heh! Ga ga!
ME: (Tries to set Bruiser down on floor in order to extricate little hands from what’s left of hair.) FREAKING LET GO! For the love of Gobstoppers! Help! Someone! Aaaaaaarrrggggh! (Loses consciousness; sees a white light and feels drawn toward it. But the sound of a baby laughing his head off draws her back.)
(Fade to black)
>You owe me a new keyboard and monitor…the coffee ruined it…BAHAHAHAAAAAAAA
>Please let your 17 year old read this entry when she’s an adult. HAHAHAHA.
>”Gobstoppers?” LMAO…
>I know your pain. I have a 15 yr old who drinks Mountain Dew at 9pm and wonders why he can’t sleep. Duh!!!
>By the way, I love your blog.
>You are SO Right!! When I saw my doctor about insomnia, the first things he told me to do was cut out caffeine (all caffeine, not just at night), alcohol, and to exercise before 1pm. Top three things that screw up your sleep cycle.The next one is hormones…which is my problem. So I still don’t sleep. But at least I got my coffee and red wine back :)Anna J. Evans
>We had a conversation the other day where teenage son asked me a question. Hubby looked up from his book and said, “Why are you asking her? You’re the one that knows everything.”
>Freaking hilarious!
>Yes, parenting, the glamorous life.
>LOL! I hate that infant grabbing phase. It’s enough to make you want to shave your head!
>Do you ever put Bruiser in a back pack? When I put my baby in, it is a free-for-all grabbing spree on my hair. With me screaming in agony, and her screaming in delight.(I misspelled something, so I had to delete and rewrite the comment)
>Hey! You just pretty much summed up a day in MY life too!
>Wow. The drama. The humour. I laughed, I cried… and I didn’t even have to pay admission!! Thanks for another hilarious post.
>This poo poo exchange happens every day here. Except Toddler hasn’t yet determined that it died…I peed my panties over that one. I am so glad that I only have one child. But glad that you have three to write about for my daily amusement.
>Ack! When my son was a baby, he grabbed my glasses repeatedly until they were broken in several places. Since I’m extremely nearsighted (and therefore couldn’t just leave the glasses off all day), I kept having them fixed and tried to remember to dodge and weave. ;^)
>Oh, I was also going to mention that maybe your 17-year-old would “hear” the information better if it came from a doctor. After all, we parents know nothing, as my son has already suggested on a few occasions. ;^)
>She’s been to three and is going to a fourth one in a couple of weeks. 🙂 And each of them pretty much have a different theory/solution. The one we’re not accepting is prescription sleep aids.
>Amen, sister.
>b, I think I’m going to give all my children leather bound copies of this blog as baby shower presents when they are adults! ;)catxyz, sooo nice to know I’m not alone in this!Anna J., good to know what your doctor says. I’m amazed at how many different opinions we’ve gotten from the three doctors who’ve seen her so far. Jenn- HA!Daisy, I would be a complete LUNATIC to put Bruiser in a backpack. He has what we call the “Deathgrip.”mommastantrum- okay, so what did you think about the fourth story? 😉
>Hilarious!And I think the leatherbound blog as a baby shower gift is a great idea!
>*Laughing so hard it hurts*
>HahahahahahahahahaHA!Sweet Brigit of the Highlands that was funny!
>Way too funny. I can’t decide if my favorite was the dead poop or the refusal to do Freaky Friday.
>When my daughter was a colicky infant, I ran into my teenage cousin who proceeded to tell me how “tired” she was. It was all I could do not to smack her. There should be a law. No one can complain about being tired to anyone who has had a baby in the last two years. I’m thinking a fine and at least a little jail time.
>I can relate to those teenager conversations. Oh, can I relate!