>Katie Makes Attachment Parenting Look Cool
>Speaking of the Babywise books, I have a friend who gave both of the books to me when I was pregnant with Baby. She swore by them- and I zealously read the first one in preparation for Baby’s birth.
When Baby was a newborn, the advice was great. My favorite tip was to try my damnedest to keep her awake while she was nursing, so that she’d get in a full feeding and would go longer before having to nurse again. From the very first day she was born, I would tickle her feet and chin while she nursed and even dab a damp washcloth on her cheeks to keep her from falling asleep as long as possible. Consequently, it wasn’t long before she was nursing for the full feeding time, which allowed me to go longer between feedings and to get a better night’s sleep. Baby was sleeping through the night by the time she was six weeks old and going four to six hours between feedings at night from the time she was about a week old.
As she got older, I forgot about Babywise, until she started struggling with naptimes. I tried the Babywise technique (which is basically, from what I remember, let them cry it out) one time and I look back on it as one of the biggest mistakes I’ve made as a mom. I lasted ten minutes listening to her cry before going in and comforting her. I think that letting babies cry it out is such a bad idea- Imagine how you’d feel if you were crying and people who loved you were around and no one came to comfort you- A child is going to feel that even more intensely, I think. I have let Baby go a minute or two crying- but ten minutes is too long. After that, Babywise went in the trashcan.
After the nap time incident, I looked up Babywise on the Internet and was shocked to read about all the controversy surrounding it. Knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t recommend the book to anyone, even with its few grains of good advice. Some moms are smart enough to read advice books and choose what they like from them- but other moms are going to try and follow a book like Babywise to the letter and that thought horrifies me.
That said, Katie Allison Granju (who is one of my favorite bloggers) wrote a great Babywise expose for Salon several years ago. Read it if you haven’t already to learn what all the fuss is about.
Katie also practices attachment parenting and even wrote a book on it. She was a great help when I was researching attachment parenting for this week’s Nashville Scene column, so I wanted to post her answers to my questions here for everyone to read.
I had an epidural with the last baby, but I waited until the last possible moment to get it and felt like I could’ve continued without one. Do you think there are benefits to the child/parent if I go natural? Because honestly, I’m scared that I will feel like my body’s being ripped in two when I’m giving birth and it will be too late to ask for an epidural! And how do I say ‘no’ when they keep offering me the epidural and the pitocin? They are very pushy in that department. And I hate feeling rude when these are the people who are about to deliver my baby, know what I mean?
Katie: Well, if having an epidural makes me less attached to my kids, count me among the ranks of the semi-attached. I had an epidural with all 3 of my births.
-Breastfeeding. I’m a big believer. I breastfed my first for a year. I would go longer, but like, every doctor is all, ‘Wean your baby by 12 months or else!’ Also, I think it looks a little weird when I see a woman breastfeeding a three-year-old. Is that my problem? How would it help the child to go longer?
I nursed my daughter until she was almost five and my son until he was three. There isn’t anything that magically changes about breastmilk at 12 months. All the things that make it good at 10 months are still present for your two year old. In fact, some of the benefits of breastfeeding have been shown to be dose dependent, meaning the longer you breastfeed, the better. As an example, a woman’s risk for breast cancer is reduced by breastfeeding and the longer she breastfeeds during her lifetime, the greater the risk reduction.
-I read Babywise after a friend recommended it and tried one time to let my daughter cry it out. It was horrible. I freaked out and went into her room after about ten minutes and decided the book was total bullshit and then I went on the Internet and read all you had written about it and that was way before I blogged or anything. So thank you for investigating Babywise, because I sent that information out to every new mom I knew. Not a question, just thought you should know.
Katie: A lot of parents don’t realize that the “Babywise” books were written by right wing fundamentalist Christians with some extremely bizarre childrearing views. Many of their baby care recommendations have drawn serious criticism from pediatricians and lactation consultants who believe following the book’s advice can lead to health and emotional problems for babies and toddlers.
-Co-sleeping. This is one of my big problem areas. I’m not worried about rolling over on the baby, I’m worried about my sex life! How on earth can you make a marriage work when the baby’s in the bed with you? I’ve always wondered this, but have been too afraid to ask the AP moms I know, because we’re not good friends.
Katie: Co-sleeping doesn’t have to mean that the baby is in bed with you all the time. You can keep a bassinet next to your bed or the baby’s crib in the corner of your bedroom. There is no one “right” way to co-sleep. I always tell people the main reason I co-slept with my babies is because I was lazy; it’ easier to roll over and nurse the baby than stumble down the hall, sit up in a rocking chair and feed the baby and then try to convince the baby to go back to sleep in his/her own bed in a separate bedroom. And for me, a well-rested mother is a mother who feels more like having sex.
I am just not comfortable having my newborn or young infant sleeping in a separate bedroom. Once they get a little older, we started transitioning them into their own sleep space. And in the meantime, your bed isn’t the only place to get busy with the baby’s father, if you know what I mean.
-Baby wearing. I love this idea. I’m a stay-at-home mom, so I was all about holding and responding to my baby 24/7, but I never wore her in a sling. I tried a Snugli, but it was totally awkward. Now with Baby number two, I’m just like, the sling looks so cool, but OMG, my back will totally hurt like hell if I wear that baby around all day. And what if I put it on wrong and she drops out the bottom? The guilt! What do you think?
Katie: Some people never do get the hang of a sling, although with all the new ones on the market nowadays, you’re a lot more likely to find one that works well for you. And the newest Baby Bjorn front packs seem to work really well for just about everyone. I still like the slings because it’s easy to nurse in them, which you can’t really do with a front pack.
-My other big issue is leaving the baby alone. I have to have a weekly date night. I have two teenage stepdaughters, so they babysit for us every week. I also leave the baby with my parents two times a year for a week, once so we can take a trip with just the older girls and once for an annual honeymoon with my husband. Can I be an attachment parent and leave the baby at home every once in a while? Because I reason that I’m creating a happy family environment and happy marriage, which only benefits her in the end. And she has never cried even once when I’ve left her with my parents. But am I just being a selfish bitch?
Katie: You selfish bitch!!!
(Just kidding)
Some people have the mistaken idea that attachment parenting is a totally child-centered way of parenting. I actually think of it as a very FAMILY-centered idea of parenting. Babies do have the need for lots of hands-on, attached care, but that care can come from other people in the family and I think older siblings gain a lot by participating in care for their baby brothers and sisters.
AP sounds great for women, and there are a whole bunch of resources for them all over the Internet, but what about the men? It still seems like it basically sucks for them. An AP mom is focusing so much attention on the baby, even to keeping it in bed and taking it on dates, that I imagine the average man would freak at the notion.
What do you have to say to the average guy out there whose wife wants to go AP on him?
Katie: I think the only “AP” thing Dads can’t do is nurse the baby. Everything else is pretty much gender neutral. Co-sleeping is a great way for fathers to bond more closely with their babies, and so is babywearing.
My impression is that men who “want their wife back” are not going to only have problems with any particular style of parenting, but with sharing their wife’s attention in general. In my unscientific opinion, this is a guy who is going to have a rough transition to parenthood…period.
Grown-up men who are truly ready to become fathers do not become excessively threatened or bothered by the fact that their infant or young child requires a lot of maternal – actually PARENTAL — attention. They recognize that early childhood is a relatively short period during what one hopes will be a long and happy marriage, and the long term benefits from investing plenty of hands on attention in their child now will be huge later.
I would also suggest that men who want more of their wives’ attention quit whining and actually do something about it by taking some stuff off her plate so she has more time for him, and for herself (I particularly recommend dishwashing, sweeping, laundry, and running errands). Instead of being jealous of their own baby, good guys figure out ways to support the breastfeeding mother of their child so that there’s plenty of time and attention to go around for everyone in the family.
I think some men who complain about attachment parenting would still be complaining no matter how the mother decided to parent because, essentially, they want to be the baby themselves.
I do think it’s important for parents of babies and young children to remain connected and romantically involved with one another and that does take some effort, but in my experience, the best thing the guy can do to make that happen is to help his wife out and be a good parent himself. Complaining about how she’s parenting or about the fact that she’s breastfeeding really doesn’t seem like a great way to promote a healthy, sexy partnership to me. Complaining, whining and criticizing doesn’t generally put the women I know in the mood.
-I liked the Attachment Parenting International slogan, “Peaceful parenting for a peaceful world.” Because it seems so far-reaching. Does this mean that if Saddam Hussein’s parents had practiced AP, he might have been a much nicer guy? On the other hand, if I raise a son with AP techniques, is he gonna be all, ‘I tried to encourage the bully to talk about his feelings, but then he punched me in the other eye…” Because that would not be good.
Katie: I agree with the very wise women who run API that peaceful, loving, respectful parenting can have ripple effects that can change the world. Practically nothing impacts human development more profoundly than the way we are parented.
And now, the Nashville Scene column… Full text below.
Unattached
By the time my first child was four months old, I was pretty sure I was going to fall down and die if I didn’t have a martini, or several, ASAP. Preferably in a place where the music was loud (conversation is so overrated), the lighting was low (the better to conceal my slowly deflating mummy tummy) and four-month-old babies were strictly prohibited.
I hatched a foolproof martini-swilling plan that hinged on a woman named Rhonda. She was part of a moms’ group I’d been attending and lived just five minutes away.
“Rhonda!” I bubbled after calling her. “I have this great idea! If you’ll watch Baby for a few hours one night, then I’ll keep Jacob for a few hours on another night. That way, we don’t have to take our chances with babysitters and we can both get in some quality Virago time with our husbands.”
“Um….” Rhonda exhaled through her nose. “We don’t actually believe in leaving Jacob with anyone else. So… Thanks anyway.”
“Oookay,” I said, muttering a “Bee-yotch” for good measure as I hung up the phone.
In retrospect, I should’ve known my bright idea was doomed from the start. At our mommy meetings, Rhonda and her friends always huddled together, murmuring mysterious terms like co-sleeping and family planning. They breastfed their babies with an air of importance, proudly whipping out their boobs like they were front row tickets to a Pixies reunion tour.
The Rhondettes practiced various forms of Attachment Parenting, a philosophy advocating almost constant physical contact between mother and infant. Ideally, an attachment baby rides around in a body sling, sleeps in his parents’ bed and has a stay-at-home mom. Cribs, strollers, bottles and sitters all are on the shit list of many AP moms. And from the looks on the Rhondettes’ faces, so was I.
Once I quit the group, the subject of attachment parenting gave me the same vaguely nauseated feeling I get when I see Vic Lineweaver campaigning. But now that I’m older, wiser, and writing for the Scene, I decided it was high time I put my AP theory (i.e., attachment-mom-equals-high-strung-harpy) to the test.
Since Attachment Parenting International is headquartered right here in Nashville, it took me only a few weeks to convince a few hardcore AP mothers to join me for an informational playgroup. To my surprise, the women I met were totally cool and open about their beliefs. They admitted there are plenty of Rhondas in the AP world (Hell, let’s be honest. There are plenty of Rhondas everywhere), but insisted they were trying to quash that kind of judgmental behavior.
As we talked, I realized that my child rearing techniques were more in line with attachment parenting than I’d thought. I believed in positive discipline, too, and I didn’t bother with strict feeding and nap schedules. Perhaps I qualified as a semi-attached parent, my baby metaphorically dangling from my body like a cheap fanny pack on a tourist at Tootsie’s. But I really perked up about my attachment prospects when it was revealed that one of the moms was friendly with Allison Krauss.
“She even got Allison to sing at our API benefit last week and it was wonderful!” the other mom gushed. “Allison is a great mom.”
Was it possible that if I went AP, Allison and I would end up becoming BFFs? I imagined us, the Paris and Britney of Nashville, having coffee at Bongo Java or watching our kids play at Dragon Park as paparazzi leaned out from behind trees to snap our pictures. I’d be sure to always wear my best underwear too, just in case someone was sporting a pesky telephoto lens.
There was just one hitch.
“I can understand why some women are all for attachment parenting,” I said. “But I can’t see a whole lot of husbands getting on board.”
I mean, seriously. How many men out there will happily agree to give up their bed, their boozy date nights, and their wife’s rack for two or three years, minimum?
The attachment moms named a few sensitive Stuart Smalley types they knew. “Some guys definitely have a problem adjusting, though” one mom admitted. “Like that guy in Michigan who went up on the roof of his house and said he wasn’t coming down until his kids started sleeping in their own beds.”
She wasn’t exaggerating. Back in March, James Wilson garnered nationwide news coverage when he set up a tent on his rooftop and proclaimed that the “family bed” was interfering with his sex life. “I’m speaking on behalf of all of the husbands in this nation that suffer in silence,” he told a local television station.
After the moms had left, I poked around on the Internet for attachment fathering support. While there were tons of forums and articles for moms, all I could turn up for dads was a few silly-looking pictures of men wearing baby slings and an article advising guys to read every day to their unborn child. I also found an interesting study claiming dads were anthropologically justified in letting the kids use their nipples as pacifiers.
I wondered how this news would go over with Hubs.
“I was thinking,” I said that night as we watched TV. “Maybe when the baby is born, you can let him nurse on your nipples if I’m out somewhere.”
Hubs looked at me sideways. “Does this have to do with your attachment parenting deal?”
“Maybe.” I’d been outed. After a moment, I continued.
“Okay, nursing may be sort of extreme. But I do think you should read a book to my belly every day, so you can bond with the new baby.”
“Forget it.”
“Why not?” I pouted.
“Because I wouldn’t read a book to a two-hour-old baby, so why would I read to an unborn one?”
He had a point.
And yet, so do I. I can’t wait to see his face when I start telling people I’m married, but unattached, thanks to my husband. I’m sure he’ll eventually come around.
>I have the feeling Katie could make anything look cool. She sounds like a great woman with lots of sense. I always considered myself an AP, but to me that always meant treating my kids like PEOPLE. For instance, one of my girls actually fell asleep better when not snuggled up, so I respected that, while the other needed lots of company. However, in both cases, if a baby was crying nonstop for whatever reason and I needed a break, I felt good knowing that she could be in her crib for 5 minutes without exploding while I went to the bathroom to splash my face. There were a few times one would fall asleep in that 5 minutes, which let me know my own tiredness and tension had been keeping her awake. In general, if doing something for somebody makes me feel terrifically resentful (or self-righteous, which is a convincing mask for resentful) chances are I need to allow myself at least a break.
>”A lot of parents don’t realize that the “Babywise” books were written by right wing fundamentalist Christians with some extremely bizarre childrearing views.”I’m a right-wing Christian and have never practiced (nor heard of) Babywise or Attached Parenting. But, how can a person who nursed a child of five years call people who let their kids “cry it out” extremely bizarre?I think a lot of you people who think you are “Semi-AP” are just normal parents who have normal, loving relationships with your kids. When did parenting get so grouped and extreme? Why is every parent labeling themselves as part of a certain group? I’m more concerned with doing WHAT I CAN for my kids and trying to give them normal lives than belonging to a group that sets standards on how I raise them.
>She recommends “dishwashing, sweeping, laundry, and running errands,” does she?I knew this was just a plot to get us to do more around the house!(If it were young and hip I’d put a little smiley-face glyph here… but I’m not….)
>I didn’t call people who let their kids cry it out “bizarre.” I called the principles espoused by Babywise (which go far beyond Ferber – read the books – or read the article Lindsay linked to) “bizarre.”And many people who buy those books are not aware that they are written by people with a far reaching, right wing social agenda that they believe begins in the cradle. Book buyers should be aware of this.-kag
>My clock is ticking big time, and I’ve gotten more and more interested in reading the mommy (& daddy!) blogs I’ve come across. Thanks for this, Lindsay – when the time comes, I now feel that I’ve got two moms that I ask about different issues, and even if they don’t practice the same things, I don’t think either would judge what I chose to do.Another great post.
>I think you got some good advice. I also thing that the second time around you will be able to put things in perspective and know not to find all the answers in one book alone.As for the epidural question, I went natural and the pain of the contractions before I pushed was one million times worse than the actual pushing. That was nothing in comparison. If you made it to transition without, you did the hard part on your own.That said, if I ever do it again, I’d like the epidural, please.
>All this AP conversation about “but what about the men?” makes me laugh. I have one sister that has an MTV Crib style bed (two queens pushed together) where she sleeps with her husband and THREE small kids and another sister whose 8 year old and 5 year old still manage to find their way into her bed practically every night. Both tried to get rid of their kids and both husbands protested loudly. Something about quality snuggle time. My husband said, “THAT WILL NEVER BE US.” He then proceeded to carry our baby around in a sling from the second he got home from work until midnight. Then it was all “why don’t you just let the baby sleep between us.” Easy for me because I, like Katie said, was too damn lazy to go down the hall every 2 hours. The kid is 22 months old and in the middle of the night still manages to find his way to our bed. Only now that I am 7 months pregnant, I pass him in the hall and head off to HIS bed. He really only wants to be with Dad anyway. And let’s be honest. When you are 7 months pregnant, you really don’t want to sleep with anyone.
>Awesome post. Thanks for sharing the answers to her questions. For the record, I completely agree with you – crying it out is just wrong. Plain wrong. I also tried and my huz and I both lasted about 3 minutes and were both balls of anxiety. We raced to see who could get there to pick our son up and cuddle him faster. I read that book and got a distinct “wingnut” impression. Granted there are some good points, as there are with most books, but the negative outweighs the positive. I am a believer in AP, but my kid has slept in his own room since he got too heavy for his bassinet at 8 weeks (we have a small room) and he’s fine. I go to him as soon as he cries. Primarily, he nurses and goes back to sleep. I wore him lots and now play and cuddle all day. My hugest concern is going back to work (when he’s 15-ish months I have to go back – that’s as long as we can swing the mortgage without me working) and having a (wonderful) babysitter look after him when I would much rather be there all day myself. He’ll only be a block from my job and only for 8 hours 4 days a week and 4 hours Fridays but I worry that she’ll let him cry/not hug him enough/every other worry you can possibly think of.Boy, long comment! Sorry. Thanks again for sharing!
>This is one of the most reasonable discussions of AP I’ve ever read. Thanks to both of you for that. My primary approach to parenting is pragmatism: I do what works, for my child and for the family as a whole. Sometimes those things fall in the category of AP, sometimes they don’t. My one big bone to pick with AP is this: a parenting style that depends on having one parent (or “primary caregiver”) home with the child is UNAVAILABLE to the vast majority of families in which both parents need to work. There’s something elitist to me about promoting a parenting style that can’t be practiced by those at or below a middle-class income.
>Nicole- You are absolutely correct that in many ways, income determines how we are able to parent our children. In some ways, discussions like this are really a luxury only women of a certain income or above can afford to have.We need MUCH better parental leave policies in this country.
>Great interview! Thanks for posting that Lindsey!If you are interested on exporing going without an epidural for this labour, I highly recommend a doula. But mostly, I recommend exploring ways of letting go of your fear of “splitting in two” becasue, I’m not 100% positive, but I’m pretty sure noone has ever done that giving birth (ha!). Just know that in general, the rule of thumb is that second births go faster than firsts (though YMMV). Of course, if you want the epidural, cool. And, I mentioned the Asian Baby Carrier yesterday. Waaaaay better than a sling – virtually no back strain due to the way it redistributes baby’s weight. Google it! I even make them (wink)!
>Oh, and I forgot to make my comment on Babywise.Firstly, the guy who wrote it has been condemned by his original church, has absolutely no background in peds, childcare, medicine or anything that would qualify him to give advice about caring for infants, let alone children.Secondly, beware of any book that talks about babies in negative terms, calls them names (hello Baby Whisperer) or paints them to be manipulative creatures who must be broken to the will of the parent. Babywise is bad news!
>What a great post, thank you Lindsey and Katie!
>When I was a practicing doula, I would furnish my clients with a list of reading material. I also furnished a list of books NOT to read. Guess which list Babywise was on? I’m with the commenter who mentioned how counterproductive and divisive it is that parenting has become so compartmentalized and label driven. I think the best approach to parenting is to explore a variety of philosophies and take from each of them that which works well and meets the unique needs of your family. Somebody else called this pragmatic parenting, and I think that’s very apropos.
>Your epidural question made me think of my times in the birthing rooms. I have had three children and each of them delivered in a different way. With the first I swore I would go natural but took the meds which did dull the pain. Remember the chart machine in your room that monitors your contractions? I only remember it due to Hubby’s comments when I started to squeeze his hand to hard and SCREAM (my screams not his). Yes, the drugs worked but only to a point (the highest point that does not register on that cart chart!). This was my first child and 14 hours of labor.Second child was all natural. I felt the contractions and made it through them with a lot more ease than the first birth with meds. The pain on a scale 1-10 on the first birth was 20 but with the second birth it was more like a 4 or 5 at peak. I was completely there for the whole birth and my recovery was quicker.Third birth, the baby was laying in my womb in such a way her back would come out first. If I would have gone into labor her back would have broken. The Dr. schedules a C-section just days before my delivery date. I am given an epidural and I totally hated the absence of any feeling. On top of that I could not hold her until I was in the recovery room for awhile. They did show her to me before I went in the recovery room.After each of these births I would choose natural for my next.As far as attachment parenting. I read none of the books, I have a very out going 18 yr old, an extreamly shy 16 yr old and a 7 yr old who wants me within 5 feet or in eye sight (plays and such stages and seating are regulated) at all times that do not involve school.
>Lindsey,http://www.hypnobirthing.orgThat is all.
>When my first was born, “cry it out” was the advice given to me over and over again from my mother-in-law. However, seeing how all six of her kids turned out (low self-esteem and really, I could go on and on) I refused to listen to her.So, now I’m on #6, who is 2 years old and has never slept through the night. Actually, my 4 year old and 3 year old, along with the 2 year old, still get me up all night long. I’m tired, but I just cannot ignore them, which is what I feel I’m doing by letting them cry it out. Besides, they walk to my side of the bed anyway. A little hard to try the CIO now.The epidural part? I had to BEG for one at my hospital. They really tried to force me to go natural and succeeded with our 4 year old because I was 9 cm dialated by the time anyone would really take me seriously…and I swear it was the hardest birth experience I ever had. With our last, my dr stepped in and told them to give me one – I could see the nurse just walk away all sheepishly. I understand why they try to get you to have it naturally, but come on – they knew I was getting to be a pro at that. Anyway, I think whatever fears were expressed in that question are legitimate, but I don’t believe it would happen. 🙂
>I think every parenting book out there is inferior to a mother’s own intuition about her child. It is too bad we are socialized to believe we need “experts” to tell us what to do. There is no one rule fits all. Every family needs something different.
>Well, I am about to have my baby at any time. I didn’t realize I was supposed to nor am I planning to join one of these “teams”.
>I think every situation is different. I don’t believe in “cry it out” all the time. But when my brother and his wife gave me their constantly angry, constantly frustrated, constantly screaming (bottle fed, but that’s another story) five month old for five days, and said “she sleeps five hours out of twenty four, and does NOT nap” I knew something wasn’t right. They gave me my niece and left for their trip. That afternoon, when her temper fits got beyond control (not pain, not hunger, not wet diaper — sheer redfaced, chin-trembling fury), I set a timer, and sat and cried along with her (but in the next room) for nine minutes. She fell asleep so suddenly I rushed to make sure she was breathing. That evening, I put her to bed and she screamed her fury for exactly 90 seconds before falling asleep for the next eight hours. The next morning, after the best morning EVER with her, I put her down for a morning nap. She said “WAaaazzzzzz…”For the remainder of the time she was with me, she went down without a whimper, took two good naps every day and slept all night each night. When she was awake, she laughed and cooed and we had the BEST time. Walking into the room to get her up after a nap was the highlight of my day as she laughed and held out her arms to me.I don’t believe in letting a child get hysterical with fear/loneliness. That’s cruel. But I do think that occasionally, new parents can snatch up an exhausted, frustrated, crying child too fast, and pass along their own anxiety. A five month old should sleep more than five hours out of twenty four.
>While I respect every parent’s right to do what works for their family, I do want to say one thing about this whole ‘Babywise’ issue. I am pretty far left on social issues and I would definitely not categorize myself as a ‘right-wing conservative christian’. Far from it. When I first started reading Babywise I had absolutely no idea it was written by a religious conservative and that it had a ‘right-wing’ social agenda. That didn’t change once I’d finished the book (yes, there were some references to God and such, but it really didn’t strike as being written by a ‘nutjob’). It just made sense for my family–and really, I don’t think it advocates letting your child cry themselves into a stupor while you turn your back and ignore them. The picture on Ms. Granju’s Salon piece particularly disgusts me–two parents, holding a cross behind their backs while a baby cries in the foreground? Eek. Anyway, obviously Babywise doesn’t make sense for everyone, but to vilify it so harshly when it DOES work for others who raise happy, well adjusted kids? That’s just plain divisive and feeds the whole judgemental machine in my opinion. Ok, I’ve really rambled on…back to your regularly scheduled programming!
>Wow. I’d heard a lot this stuff about Babywise and it’s horrible to see that it is still so prevalent. Poor, poor babies! I remember when I was being discharged from the hospital after my daughter was born. I was given a handout that specifically warned against Babywise, Ezzo and Parent directed feeding. All hospitals should be doing this. I just cannot imagine lettinga baby “cry it out”. I would never do that, ever.
>”A lot of parents don’t realize that the “Babywise” books were written by right wing fundamentalist Christians with some extremely bizarre childrearing views. Many of their baby care recommendations have drawn serious criticism from pediatricians and lactation consultants. . .”Just want to point out that, yes, the Ezzos have extremely bizarre views–but that his views do not reflect parenting beliefs of most Christians. (Though, sadly, his ideas have a strong foothold in that demographic.) Furthermore, conservative Christians (even Dobson’s “Focus on the Family”) have been vocal in their opposition to his teachings, as well as have pointed out the flaws from a Christian point of view. A good place to see some of the critiques is http://www.ezzo.info .Attachment parenting is a good reflection of many basic beliefs found in the Bible–the value of each person, created by God; the primacy of love and family relationships; the role of grace and the Gospel in our growth. The Holy Spirit is named in the Bible “The Comforter.” If comforting is such an key part of God’s character that it is used as a name, why are some Christians dismissive of the importance of comforting?Some Christian AP resources include http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com and http://www.parentingdecisions.com .Grace and peace,TulipGirl
>-I…tried one time to let my daughter cry it out. It was horrible….extremely bizarre childrearing views. (I realize that quote is a bit out of context, my only intention is space not misrepresentation).I think every child is different and some of it depends on when you do this. I am NOT NOT NOT an “Ezzo only” fan or anything like that, but the “cry it out” worked really good for my oldest daughter. I would take care of all her needs, making sure she was fed, dry, warm, healty (obviously a sick child changes everything) and loved and oohh’ed and aah’ed at kissed, hugged, and cuddled before putting her down for a nap. But my daughter hated naps (she dropped her morning nap by a few months old, and had dropped both morning and afternoon naps before 1 year) and she would cry! But, if I would go get her, she wouldn’t sleep (at all) and would get overly tired and completely stressed. When I started letting her “cry herself to sleep” she would cry for 15-20 minutes before falling asleep, but that was MUCH better then the alternative, which was her being so tired she’d cry 3-4 hours in the evening.This didn’t apply for my other two kids, so obviously every kid is different. I think the danger is having a “one size fits all” mentality, and forgetting to consider the unique needs of each child and family.Just my $0.02!
>First of all, I don’t think letting your baby cry for a minute or two constitutes “crying it out”- That’s allowing a baby to settle and often, they’ll stop before two minutes are up.The thing is, my baby has had difficulty going down for naps at various times in her life and I’ve just adjusted accordingly. At one point, she would only fall asleep watching PBS in her high chair. So I waited until she fell asleep, then gently picked her up and put her in her crib. Not that long ago, she had to choose a book and a dolly for her crib and read to the doll before she’d lie down. Fine with me. Lately, she wants me in the room with her, so I bring in my computer in her room and work on it until she’s fallen asleep- usually within five minutes.It takes a little creativity, but I believe there are alternatives to letting a child cry it out- although I know the practice is common.
>I believe every child is different and paretns need to get their heads read if they are going to specifically follow a book or technique to the letter and expect it to work for them.You need to take what works for you and see how it goes for you and your child.I quite often let my boy cry it out, sometimes up to 30 mins – usually it’s just a grizzle, and he goes off to sleep. I go in every 5-10 mins to check he’s okay and settle him back down.If he gets hysterical and I realise he isn’t going to settle I get him up for a while. But if I didn’t let him cry he would stay up to midnight if I let him. Bugger that.I agree with the other commenters that there is too many labels and rules by experts. As my dad said “if you were stuck on a remote farm all on your own you’d figure out how to raise your boy”. So true.Cheers for sharing the interview tho
>As far as I’m concerned, the last word in babywearing: Kangaroo Korner Adjustable Fleece Pouch. Alex and I each had one. It’s SO much more comfortable than most slings, and the learning curve is just about zero. I think the URL is http://www.kangarookorner.comI would just send you mine, but it’s a “large,” and I think it would swallow you!