>Mama Trauma, *UPDATED*
>”There’s nothing more disgusting than pregnancy and labor,” a friend of mine declared last week at a Christmas party.
I had to agree. In fact, I think the real reason that mothers are able to catch their children’s vomit in their hands and clean kiddie diarrhea off the walls without batting an eyelash has less to do with unconditional love and more to do with the fact that they’ve been through far, far worse in the process of giving birth to said child.
But while I think I know why we can deal with the more disgusting aspects of motherhood, I’ve never understood why on earth we feel the need to share our most stomach-turning pregnancy/labor experiences with everyone we meet, from our son’s third grade teacher to the veterinarian-on-call at the animal hospital.
Finally, I got answers from a professional in this week’s Nashville Scene. Find out what I learned here.
And how could I forget to include placenta recipes? Here you go…
Placenta Recipes (Mothering Magazine, September 1983, Vol. 28, pg 76) Each placenta weighs approximately 1/6 of the baby’s weight. Cut the meat away from the membranes with a sharp knife. Discard the membranes.
Placenta Cocktail: 1/4 cup raw placenta, 8oz V-8 juice, 2 ice cubes, 1/2 cup carrot. Blend at high speed for 10 seconds
Placenta Lasagne: Use your favorite lasagne recipe and substitute this mixture for one layer of cheese. In 2 tbl. olive oil, quickly saute meat of 3/4 placenta, ground or minced plus 2 sliced cloves of garlic, 1/2 tsp. oregano, 1/2 diced onion & 2 tbl. tomato paste, or 1 whole tomato.
Placenta Spaghetti: Cut meat of 3/4 placenta into bite size pieces, then brown quickly in 1 tbl. butter plus 1 tbl. oil. Then add 1 large can tomato puree, 2 cans crushed pear tomatoes, 1 onion, 2 cloves of garlic, 1 tbl. molasses, 1 bay leaf, 1 tbl. rosemary, 1 tsp. ea. of salt, honey, oregano, basil, and fennel. Simmer 1 1/2 hours.
Placenta Stew: Meat of 3/4 placenta in bite size chunks, 1 potato (cubed), 1/4 cup fresh parsley, 2 carrots, 3 ribs celery, 1 zucchini, 1 large tomato, 1 small onion. Dredge meat in 1 tbl. flour mixed with 1 tsp salt, 1/2 tsp. paprika, pinch of cloves, pinch of pepper, 6-8 crushed coriander seeds. Saute meat in 2 tbl. oil, then add vegetables (cut up) and 4-5 cups of water. Bring to full boil, then simmer for 1 hour.
Placenta Pizza: Grind placenta. Saute in 2 tbl. olive oil with 4 garlic cloves, then add 1/4 tsp fennel, 1/4 tsp. pepper, 1/4 tsp paprika, 1/4 tsp. salt, 1/2 tsp. oregano, 1/4 tsp. thyme, and 1/4 cup of wine. Allow to stand for 30 minutes, then use with your favorite home made pizza recipe. It’s a fine placenta sausage topping.
>Your link isn’t working.
>Aargh. Fixed it. Thanks.
>Heh. You got schooled by a homeschooler. Off to read your column now…*ducks*
>i think i’d rather give birth again than have a child vomit in my hands again, personally…:)
>That last line… eeeeeeewwwwww.But, yes, the idea of experienced moms trying to scare the daylights out of first-timers… very, very true.And the best part is it doesn’t have to be friends… as you noted… or even acquaintances.Total strangers can presume to come up to you in the street and offer their own horror stories. I saw it happen to my wife.But that last line? Eeeeeeewwwwwwww again!
>Placenta cocktail?! Bluck!I guess sharing the gross stuff is really good therapy. If you care to contribute to my therapy, check out my blog. There’s plenty of gross stuff there!
>When I was 16 or 17 I was watching a VH1 show and they were talking about Jenny McCarthy’s ‘Belly Laughs’ book. The one thing she was worried about the most was pooping on the delivery table. I said outloud “Oh my god, that happens?” and my mom started cracking up. One more thing to be afraid of!
>Terrific: A recipe for placental egg nog. I can use this every Christmas.
>oh yes, I remember the horror stories quite vividly when I was pregnant. Then I had my very own birth horror story myself. I couldn’t talk about it for a while, but eventually I managed to get it out, but only to other mum’s, I’d don’t think I’d scare a mum-to-be like that!
>The best piece of advice anyone gave me about birth was “don’t be afraid to poop on the table.” It was my step-sister-in-law who had given birth — prematurely after a high-risk in-vitro pregnancy, the infertility trifecta — to twins, one vaginally and the second by c-section. She said she was so freaked out by the worry that she might poop on the table that by the time she just gave up and let it all fly (and the baby was born almost immediately thereafter) she was completely exhausted and the second baby was starting to show signs of distress so they had to do the c-section. She’s pretty well convinced that it wouldn’t have ended that way if she’d just given in sooner. She and the babies were just fine in the end (ha ha).I didn’t worry about it and when it happened, the nurses just whisked it away so fast that it was like it never happened. Oh, and placenta recipes? Hi, I’m so not hungry now. WHY would anyone do this, with supermarkets full of every kind of meat you could ever want?!
>I just ordered a subscription to Mothering magazine for the natural recipes etc. Now I’m scared. Very very scared.
>I have a friend who trains dogs for Search and Rescue. One of her dogs is in a “cadaver unit.” It’s morbid, but important work. Anyway, when I had Bella, she begged me to donate the placenta to be used as a “body part” for training purposes for the SAR dogs. I almost did. Almost.
>Oh my…that is really unappetizing. I’ve read everything now. Where’s the happy placenta blogging?!? ;)One of my best girlfriends was insistent that she and her husband bury their children’s placentas in their yard. I never had the poop on the table worries as I had an emergency c-section and then a scheduled c-section. I feel so robbed!
>N.A.S.T.Y.
>Oh, my friend wanted the placenta buried in the yard with a tree. I thought that was gross until she mentioned she couldn’t do it till Spring, and the friggen placenta was in her freezer. I was afraid to go in her kitchen after that, really, it freaked me out!No scary stories from me, I’m the opposite. I get to say how easy the birth was; I had c-sections, no labor and morphine.
>Morning sickness cure that I thought no way in heck would help was a few saltine crackers before you step one foot out of bed. I thought, yeah right but really it worked for me. One of the moms at the bank had metal bracelets made of “spcial metal and stone” that made all the world of difference for her not having morning sickness. Offering non ewww advise.
>Holy crap, woman. That’s just…holy crap.
>ICK! please no more placents recipes- gaaahhhhh- I never want to eat again- otherwise really good stuff- ok- I lied I will be eating in the next 10 min- I made homemeade fudge- no placenta!
>I’m not even pregnant and that makes me sick. How could you stand to write it in your delicate condition???I just vurped a little.
>That is just soooo wrong.I remember when the intern at the airforce hospital showed me my placents and got yelled at by the attending physician…lol
>First thing in the morning, and this is what I read.Guess I won’t be having breakfast…Thanks for the er, interesting recipes…
>Well…I just found out that I’m pregnant, for the 3rd time, yesterday. And I can guarantee you that I will not be using any of those placenta recipes…ewww!!
>OK, I was sent here and I found placenta recipes. Um… ew.But I will be back. I have a strong stomach and teenagers.
>You are kidding about the placenta recipes. Right? Right? Ewwww. Adds new meaning to the phrase, “honey, what’s for dinner?”
>Blechk! Oh, how disgusting…the visual is just TOO MUCH!
>**** raises hand impishly****”yup, I pooped on the table…”
>Mmmm. I’m hungry. I need me a pregnant woman.
>Years ago, I threw my very first ever baby shower for a first time mommy. We were all Air Force wives and I invited all the wives in our squadron. Most of us were preggy virgins but 3 had children and proceded with the pregnancy/labor HORROR stories. I felt so bad for my friend who was “At the point of no return” in her pregnancy to hear all these stories. The preggy virgins were all crossing our legs thinking “there’s no way we’re ever getting pregnant!”I think we’ve all had kids now and my friend ended up having 2 more after that. And because of that shower, I’ve never shared my birth story with a pregnant mom to be. Only with other moms.Oh, you forgot that you can have the placenta made into caplets that you keep in your freezer and take to keep your iron supply up.
>I will just say I’m glad I’m out of the first trimester right now.
>Oh my god. I just had a baby on Monday (a boy yea!). I’ll save you the gory details (no time, he’ll be up in a second and want to inflict more nipple pain). However, I have to say that your PLACENTA RECIPES really really really turn my stomach. In fact, maybe I’ll go catch my own vomit in my hands.
>Congratulations on the new baby!I never even saw my placenta the last time around. I’m hoping it will stay that way. 🙂
>UGH. No kidding. I didn’t see my placenta either. (Is it really mine or the baby’s?)… Thanks for the congrats. This is my first. Little boys are fun! They are like little fountains every time you take off their diaper.