>Not So Hot
>A few days ago, I happened upon the website of a nearby subdivision. Besides the usual announcements about yardsales and babysitting services, one resident generously lent her expertise in neighborhood etiquette to the site by providing a thoughtful list called What’s Hot and What’s Not at Traceside. Here’s what she has come up with so far:
What’s Hot: Well manicured lawns
What’s Not: Overgrown grass
What’s Hot: Well-behaved children enjoying the pool
What’s Not: Children rough-housing at the pool
What’s Hot: People walking their dogs on leashes
What’s Not: People allowing their dogs to roam free without restraint
What’s Hot: Nice clean sidewalks
What’s Not: Dog poop on the sidewalks
What’s Hot: Relaxing in a beautiful Traceside home after a long day of work
What’s Not: Being kept awake all night by a barking dog
What’s Hot: Friendly neighbors
What’s Not: Unfriendly neighbors
What’s Hot: Beautiful landscaping
What’s Not: Dead bushes
What’s Hot: The Traceside e-mail group being used in a resourceful and reasonable manner
What’s Not: The Traceside e-mail group used in an unproductive and unreasonable manner
What’s Hot: Seasonal decorations removed from the yards and houses in a timely manner
What’s Not: Christmas tree lights still up in February
Clever, isn’t it? If only she were my next door neighbor- Then her list would certainly be much, much longer. As it stands, though, she has requested more What’s Hot and What’s Not ideas to add to the page. Since I’m nothing if not helpful, here are a few suggestions I’ve come up with:
What’s Hot: A clean, well-maintained Traceside playground
What’s Not: Used needles and condoms on the Traceside playground
What’s Hot: Checking in on your Traceside neighbors to make sure everything’s okay
What’s Not: Hiding in your Traceside neighbors’ well-manicured bushes and watching them undress
What’s Hot: Holding a neighborhood Easter egg hunt for all of Traceside’s clean and well-behaved children
What’s Not: Holding a neighborhood manhunt for a deranged murderer who escaped from the state prison
What’s Hot: Serving up some fresh brownies for your perky new next-door-neighbor as a housewarming present
What’s Not: Serving your perky next-door-neighbor with a subpoena after finding out she’s been having an affair with your husband for the last six weeks
What’s Hot: A cul-de-sac barbeque
What’s Not: A cul-de-sac key party
Would you like to add to my list? Leave your own What’s Hot and What’s Not suggestions in the comments and I’ll add them on. I feel certain our suggestions will be much appreciated!
>What’s hot: Neighborhoods that are friendly and open-minded, and stay out of people’s personal businessWhat’s not: Judging people by the state of their lawn or the color of the paint on the outside of their house, not to mention how much their house COST. Grrrr!
>What’s hot: hiring your neighbor’s teenage son to be your pool boy.What’s not: hiring your neighbor’s teenage son to be your poolboy and then shagging him while your husbands away on business
>What’s Hot: Picking up your neighbor’s mail and paper while they’re on vacation.What’s Not: Using the mail to steal their identity and take your own vacation.What’s Hot: Arranging playdates with other children who live nearby.What’s Not: Twisting the gossip you hear during the playmate into a story about child abuse you can tell the police, because your best friend is moving to Nashville, and you’d do anything for her to live on the same street.What’s Hot: Giving out full size candy bars on Halloween.What’s Not: Wearing your favorite dominatrix costume at the same time.What’s Hot: Being kind to neighbors who have disabilities.What’s Not: When the neighbor with a bad memory paints his house a neon shade of purple so he’ll never get confused again (true story).
>What’s Hot: being a member of a community that respects others and not only accepts but appreciates their differencesWhat’s Not: adopting an offensively condescending tone in an attempt to make your neighbors feel inferior because they just aren’t Stepfordy enough for your tastes.
>Wow! That website is just too perky for words! A greeting from Tracie Traceside?!? OMG!
>Oh. My!I thought you lived in Tennessee… not Red China!!! What’s hot: A loving cookie exchange at the holidays or any time you’re feeling especially Martha-esque.What’s not: Giving your web site and social coordinatrix stale cookies laced with arsenic!
>Well, MOST of the things are her list are from the Common Courtesy by Good Neighbors Handbook, aren’t they? Who would feel they need to LIST that stuff? My first thought to your request was “How can I come up with something as funny as that?” then I read your comments and THEY’RE SO FUNNY, TOO!
>What’s hot: Promptly removing garbage receptacles from the curbside after the well mannered and well taylored refuge personnel take away your weekly trash.What’s not: Leaving your garbage cans to roll around the street for days after collection then retrieving the cans one morning in your see thru negligee or droopy boxer shorts.
>Well, I would come up with a What’s Hot and What’s Not, but I think I’ve got to check the back garden for Christmas decorations.
>What’s hot: Attractive, coordinated porch and patio furniture.What’s Not: The couch and broken recliner next to the front porch washing machine.What’s hot: Minding your own business. What’s Not: Being the self-appointed good taste police.Sheesh! And I thought the local historic district mavens in my city were bad. Traceside sounds like a Nazi enclave! (You VILL vash your drivevay every day! You VILL turn off your lights by 10:00!)It makes me want to plant a flock of pink flamingos on the front lawn.
>What’s Hot:Tastefully sunbathing by your pool with the sweet little privacy fence in your sassy little straw hat and Hollywood sunglasses, a pitcher of lemonade and a cute little two piece suit.What’s Not:Sunbathing topless with a jug of frozen margaritas, a trashy novel, in view of the street, and while the local teenage boy mows your yard.
>Whats hot: Showering your new neighbors with gifts of goodwill (housewarming gifts)Whats not: Showering with your neighbors
>What’s hot: anything besides coming up with a stupid, cliche “what’s hot/not” construct to deliver obviousisms like “friendly neighbors are better than unfriendly ones!” What’s not: Anyone besides Lindsay writing said list.
>You know there is a fundraiser for breast cancer research around these parts that, for a $25 donation, will park a pink toilet in the yard you wish to decorate. Tracie Traceside would *so* be gettin’ a pink toilet in her yard right now. And I would feel good about setting the self-righteous bee-atch straight while donating to a worthy cause. Then I’d throw in a little extra toilet paper just to make it complete. Maybe I’d even shovel some poo off the sidewalks and plant it in her lovely yard decortion for the full effect.This reminds me of one of my favorite X-Files episodes. Remember that one?
>What’s hot: Metal slinkies.What’s not: Plastic slinkies.It’s all I’ve got right now.:-)
>OMG–I’m with Chritine! Lindsay–get the hell out of there before the Stepford husbands make your hubs an offer he can’t refuse! What’s hot: *Not* being the grown-up version of the playground queen.What’s not: Sublimating obvious psychological problems through attempted dictatorship of one’s tiny universe.
>What’s hot: A passionate and romantic evening with your significant other.What’s not: Enjoying a roantic and passionate evening right next to your wide open window so all your neighbors can hear your screaming and the slap slap as you “bump uglies.”
>What’s not: a passive/ aggressive, social climbing and SHALLOW bitch (or bitches) who’s just asking for a little vandalism of a scatological variety… perhaps a team of overfed sled dogs using her lawn for their “place of business” during the middle of the night.
>Wow, Christmas lights down by February?? Our neighbor behind us still has his up in his back yard and turns them on every night. I happen to love it. Key Party? How have I not heard about that before! Ewwww. I’ve even seen most of the shows listed on Wikipedia and never caught on. haha.
>Wow, Christmas lights down by February?? Our neighbor behind us still has his up in his back yard and turns them on every night. I happen to love it. Key Party? How have I not heard about that before! Ewwww. I’ve even seen most of the shows listed on Wikipedia and never caught on. haha.
>Whats Hot- Giving your neighbor her mail that was misdelivered to your house.Whats Not- Spending the twenty dollars that was sent to your neighbors goody two shoes (pot smoking) (knocked up) honor role student from Grandma Betty on a nice bottle of vodka (to be drunken while peering through said window).